Translation needed

[Steadfast]

It's been nearly three days since I sat down with the ex to discuss some critical (financial, emotional) issues in our lives, but I still can't muster what it takes. I just can't type it out. For a bit of background, for the last two months the ex has been increasing her contact and hinting that she wants to reunite. When my father passed two weeks ago the floodgates broke; she insisted on staying with me, showing tenderness and love. Wants to come home. Now she's backing up, and combined with (another!? He's married??!!??) love interest, she's 'torn' again. Square One.

 

I know I'm probably beating my head against the wall asking this, but I'll give it a shot anyway. I do realize the 'need to know' is futile, but still...

 

I asked: "You lost your attraction for me. Is that still the case?"

 

She answered: "That's pretty accurate"

 

She said she 'hates herself' for feeling this way, and do I realize just how much she wants to hold me and love with all of her heart and soul? She includes statements like she's crazy about me, thinks about me every waking minute, misses being home and being a family, feels lost and lonely and other lofty compliments. FWIW, I am healthy, fit and trim.

 

Can someone provide a translation?

 

I know it's sexual...at least, partly. I also know talk is talk and actions speak louder than words. That's why I have asked her not to contact me (except for seeing the kids, no choice there) knowing full well the only way to really know is full speed ahead with NC.

 

To quote Bob Seger; "Here I am, back on the road again".

[Thornton]

She loves you as a friend and feels lonely without your friendship and company, and she misses being a family with you and living in your home. But she's not in love with you and doesn't find you physically attractive, hence why she's looking at other guys. When she had no other guys on the scene she suddenly became more tender and loving, and perhaps thought she might want you back, but as soon as she feels a sexual attraction to another guy (which she doesn't feel for you) she's gone again. Whether you're fit and trim is beside the point... I know plenty of guys who are fit and trim but they don't have charisma or sexual magnetism.

 

This isn't necessarily accurate, this is just my interpretation based on my own experience. My advice would be that if you want her back you need to work more on the physical attraction side of things.

[Steadfast]

 

This isn't necessarily accurate, this is just my interpretation based on my own experience. My advice would be that if you want her back you need to work more on the physical attraction side of things.

 

 

Ok, my ego has been knocked down a peg or two, but I'm OK...:-)

 

Not to sound like a tool (or a fool, or a egotistical jerk...) but the truth is I attract a fair share of attention from the opposite sex. It was my looks/sex appeal that first attracted her, and except for my age (18-years later) I'm probably in better shape now then I was then. My 'rebound' relationship could not keep her hands off me, repeatedly telling me how rare it was for someone my age (late 40s) to be so fit, full of energy, passionate, still has his hair, etc. My point is I don't think my physical appearance has slipped dramatically, but I can't argue that there are better looking men than myself. Nor can I deny that my ex-wife has the ability to attract them.

 

So, you may be absolutely right Thornton. I mean, she has lost her desire for me. She has made it very clear.

 

What to know something interesting? Even though she is very pretty, she has gained a noticeable amount of weight and often wears tight-fitting blouses that do little to hide it. She's not obese, but rolls now show. Plus, she smokes about three packs of Marlboro Lights a day and her teeth show it. I only mention this to paint a picture; she's not taking care of herself.

 

Any other theories?

[Thornton]

I don't necessarily mean that you're not attractive, just that you might not push HER buttons any more. You said yourself that she's lost her attraction to you and the problem is at least partly sexual, yet despite that she misses you and feels lost and lonely, so I can only assume that she misses you in an emotional sense but not in a physical sense. You also said that she seemed interested until another man came on the scene, and now she's torn again, so she obviously sees something in him that she doesn't see in you... she obviously has an emotional connection to you, so again I can only assume that what is lacking (and what she sees in this other guy) is physical.

 

Different women like different things, so it's perfectly possible that one woman can't keep her hands off you, while another woman (your ex) doesn't feel that attraction to you any more. You're fit and trim, so that's not your problem... so what's causing your ex to feel unattracted to you? Only you can figure that out... is it your looks, or your behaviour, or is she the one who has changed and wants different things, is she seeing you as less of a man for some reason... ?

 

Please don't take a knock to your self esteem, I don't know what you look like and I'm sure you're attractive as you say... but you did say that your ex misses you and loves you but doesn't feel physical attraction to you any more. You need to figure out what happened to that physical attraction, because if you could get it back you might stand a chance of getting her back, since she obviously cares about you and the problem seems to be her lack of physical desire for you.

[Cloudberry]

A lot of times, women lose sexual attraction because they have some anger or resentment. If you care to work things out, and if you can listen to her without getting defensive, you might want to ask her if she is angry at you or has hard feelings.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She wants you to be 'daddy' (ie: platonic) and take care of her, provide for her, and keep her safe while she goes out and sleeps with whomever she wants.

[Steadfast]

She wants you to be 'daddy' (ie: platonic) and take care of her, provide for her, and keep her safe while she goes out and sleeps with whomever she wants.

 

Yep. No question. I mean, she's proven that already.

 

Here's some background that might help. Her mother and father (who was a philanderer) were seperated for 40 years before they both passed. And, there's a incredible history of infidelity in her family. She, according to her family members, was 'different'. I got the 'good one'.

 

And she was too, for about 16 -1/2 years. Her behavior patterns are linked to midlife crisis for women, and many in that field suggest waiting it out if you want to keep your marriage. Translation: At some point if you love her and play your cards right, she'll come out and want to commit.

 

Her mother took care of her father (fed, cared for when sick, etc) and in turn for many years he looked after the house, her car, etc. Last summer, when all this broke for us ("I had an affair" "I Love you, don't know if I'm in love", etc) I asked her how she was going to take care of me when I was old? She responded by saying "Who says I'm not going to take care of you?" I asked how could she do that if she was married to someone else? "Who says I want to marry someone else?" That was a while back tho.

 

Now, don't think I'm too needy. We made some financial decisions together that didn't include much of a pension or retirement for me. I told her she was my retirement benefits and she agreed, for much had been sacrificed for both of our families. But isn't that what families do? We shared that.

 

See? Confusing. I just can't wrap my head around this. I don't want to be used, but I do not want to cut my nose off to spite my face either.

[Ariadne]

"You lost your attraction for me. Is that still the case?"

"That's pretty accurate"

hates herself' for feeling this way

wants to hold me and love with all of her heart

feels lost and lonely

 

Well, she probably feels lost and lonely with her frustration with the MM.

 

And wants to love you but she can't, still, you provide comfort for her.

[LucreziaBorgia]

That's just it - you are family to her. Not a lover. She loves you like family, not like a husband. She wants to live her life to the fullest, and when she loses her attractiveness and can't find anyone else who will have sex with her, and no other man will have her sexually or otherwise she will settle into a comfortable complacency with you to live out the rest of her life in platonic secure bliss.

 

She'll commit to the marriage when she has no other choice.

 

Is that what you want? That is surely what she is doing.

[Ariadne]

I got the 'good one'...And she was too, for about 16 -1/2 years. Her behavior patterns are linked to midlife crisis for women

 

Well, if that's the case maybe there's still hope.

 

Love is also companionship, and if she went all infatuated with this other guy, it'll pass.

[Ariadne]

she will settle into a comfortable complacency with you to live out the rest of her life in platonic secure bliss.

 

Agreed.

 

Edit: And maybe no so platonic once she gets over the infatuation, she'll have needs.

[Steadfast]

That's just it - you are family to her. Not a lover. She loves you like family, not like a husband. She wants to live her life to the fullest, and when she loses her attractiveness and can't find anyone else who will have sex with her, and no other man will have her sexually or otherwise she will settle into a comfortable complacency with you to live out the rest of her life in platonic secure bliss.

 

She'll commit to the marriage when she has no other choice.

 

Is that what you want? That is surely what she is doing.

 

No, of course it isn't. This isn't what I signed up for.

 

But that comment/state of mind is about choices, you know? Not the things we can't control. Things like accidents and sickness, when your love is really put to the test. That's the hardest part for me...she will not be there.

 

One last thing I'd like to add; I have over the last year caught her in an increasing number of lies. Lies about the big stuff, and the little stuff too. Before, she was so solid...no lying, never. It was a joy to have someone in my life like that, you know? Whether she was mad, happy, bored or whatever, she was consistently honest. See, that's why it was so easy to figure something was going on (before she told me) I never saw her trying to cover her tracks, to hide her phone or lock her car and hide the keys. It was a sickening feeling.

 

It must be a hard thing to lose your honor like that. I can't believe how hard it is to watch it happen. It is heartbreaking. How is it possible for someone to regress so? Maybe I'm just dumb and never noticed, but I don't think so. Truth is, I may never know.

 

Thanks LucreziaBorgia and Ariadne. I really appreciate the input.

[Ariadne]

I have over the last year caught her in an increasing number of lies. Lies about the big stuff, and the little stuff too. Before, she was so solid...no lying, never.

 

You are welcome.

 

And the above is good news, actually.

 

She was lying simply because of her infatuation and her going out of whack.

 

It doesn't sound so bad..

 

(And I know many long term couples where one partner has an affair, it happens, but the years together of companionship will help them get it together).

 

See what happens. Good luck to you.

[Steadfast]

Ariadne, thanks for the reply. Keep kicking ass LucreziaBorgia! It's good.

 

This is how I have decided to handle it.

 

I am currently doing everything I can to make sure she is not controlling my emotions. That includes staying involved with my passions and not just acting happy, but actually working towards that goal. Knowing if I do the right thing for the right reasons, that I will be OK. I must be strong.

 

Besides, with two teenagers (watching my every move, btw) and a house I am really busy. Plus, I have a four-year old niece that simply adores me and loves to be here with us. She's spending the night tonight and the house is filled with the busy-ness of this little blonde treasure. Did you know that right after we broke up, I couldn't bear to be around her? We were 'Auntie and Uncle' but now it's me. I never want to go back there.

 

Ariadne, with our kids, going NC is just about impossible. Even if I could catch her before she comes to the door, what would I do? Say 'it's not your visitation time'? That's BS and it isn't what's best for the kids. I will not put that tension in their lives. I do not talk about us, I just try to be normal.

 

Because of this, I am as nice to her as I can be. Nice, not ass kissing. I do not return her text's unless it involves the kids. Besides, I am 49-years old...answering "What r u up 2?" holds little interest for me. Grow up.

 

In the interm, if I meet someone nice and the feeling is mutual, I'll date them. I don't know if I am *quite* ready for that, but I'm better than I was six-months ago with Miss Rebound. Besides, she was way too pushy.

 

She has to come to me, spill, and show the interest and commitment I need to see...and that's just to talk about talking. If life takes me in a new direction (meeting someone nice, moving for a new job, etc) before she gets this out then it does...if she ever does. I don't know. I must be ok with not knowing, ageed? I'm trying to be part of the solution, not the problem.

 

Thoughts?

[Ariadne]

Ariadne, with our kids, going NC is just about impossible. Even if I could catch her before she comes to the door, what would I do? Say 'it's not your visitation time'? That's BS and it isn't what's best for the kids. I will not put that tension in their lives. I do not talk about us, I just try to be normal.

 

I'm personally not an advocate of NC. People do it out of fear.

 

I'd try and be mature and normal, even under the difficult circumstances.

 

Have fun with all those kids!

 

(At least you won't be feeling lonely)

[Steadfast]

I'm personally not an advocate of NC. People do it out of fear.

 

I'd try and be mature and normal, even under the difficult circumstances.

 

 

I can appreciate your position Ariadne. I'm not sure I agree, but I do know everyone is different, and so are their circumstances.

 

In my case, if I didn't have teenagers at home (just one reason she has to come over, plus needing money, food, feels lonely, guilty, etc) I would have stayed NC from last September. I mean, except for just a time or two we didn't speak. She would come over and I would excuse myself to the den, bedroom or whatever. I did this because I didn't want to talk to her, and I *feared* I'd say something I should not. Those fears were justified too.

 

I also strongly believe I am not doing her any favors by enabling her. The straightest, quickest path out of the depression of a broken relationship is forward. And until she experiences the consequences of her actions, she'll freewheel along for ages. At our expense. It's kind of like climbing on top and holding someone under the water so you won't sink. It is evil.

 

No question about it now, why she comes over and why she approaches me. She needs something. It gives me no pleasure to know she's a selfish liar. But know what's great? The kids can see through it! She is being consumed from the inside out.

 

I am so proud of them. They still love her too. The deck is stacked against her. The bible says to heap love upon the heads of those that persecute you. I never really understood that until recently. It keeps love strong.