nge123 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I am a 28 year old guy, who just finished college two weeks ago with a math degree and I am busy looking for a good job. I have been in a Moderate Distance Relationship, with someone 45 miles away, across several towns (anywhere from 1-2 hour drive). We have been together now for 3 and 1/2 years, engaged now for 2, and plan on getting married as soon as I have good employment. She is 28, and graduated back in '05, but still has no luck in finding any work. For the last 4 years I have been working for minimum wage while I have been at college. In the last few months, my work hours have been drastically cut (as my boss knows I will be leaving). So, my funds for gas and entertainment have been virtual nil, and it makes paying my bills tough. This has really upset my Fiance, as she has few funds of her own. Now I had an offer for a different minimum wage job with more hours last week, but turned it down. It was nothing like what I am looking for, and really would only bring me about $20 more a week. This has driven my Fiance over the edge. She is upset that I turned the job down, while I feel that the opportunity cost of taking the job were too high. This argument has really boiled over. We have had very few arguments over the years, and I am just not sure about how to handle this. I am in need of a fresh perspective on things, what is a reasonable course of action in this case? Our goals in order: 1. Find full time work with benefits. 2. Get a place of our own. 3. Get married.
sb129 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 So why is she getting mad at you for turning a job down if she isn't employed herself? If she isn't working, how come she needs to live 45 miles away from you? Wouldn't it make economical sense to live together and split bills and save the cost of travel? Your reasons for turning it down sound valid to me, as do your long term goals.
Author nge123 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Well right now, I am living with my parents. Back when I was 20, I was living on my own going to a junior college, but could not afford a transfer to a university, as I did not qualify for financial aid. So when my parents changed geographically to norther California to be closer to their families, I figured, "why the hey not?" and went with them. My parents gave up their jobs to move here and had trouble finding work, so I took up a job as a detailer, and spent a few years helping with the bills. Once my parents got their feet under them, I went back to college, and havnt moved back out since. I am really excited about my graduation and cant wait to get my feet back under me and move out again. Originaly, I was supposed to graduate a year ago, but personal issues with influentail members of my extended family had lead me to a mental breakdown two years ago, and it took me a year and a half to recover. Hence the long engauagement, and the late graduation. She is really upset with me, telling me that it is condensending for me to say she has no grounds for getting upset at me because she has no job of her own. She also says I insult her intellegence, and am implying that she cannot get a job. I have tried to help her out, but it has not worked well. I fear the biggest problem is that I always forgive her in these kind of fights, to me its not worth the trouble of arguing. I am so used to things being difficult, that I just roll with the punches, and keep my eyes on my goal. She is half Filipino, while my family has been in America for over a hundred years. Maybe this is a cultural difference, she never says she is sorry or that she is wrong in a big argument she starts, but is constantly worried that she messes things up little things all the time. It really feels like she takes things the wrong way often, looking for a reason to be upset. She also is almost smothering in how she wants to be involved in every aspect of my life. Even after almost 4 years of being together, she is always waiting for me to call, and wants me to keep coming up with new ideas for things to do. I know it is not a good idea to let a relationship stagnate, but I really want some personal time to myself, and not be pushed to spend my last dime on "going out". What am I missing here? Maybe I should let her fester for a while, until she apologizes? She says she doesnt want to talk because she is upset, but I have an urge to talk to consolodate our relationship. I really do love this woman, and don't want to lose her. But when I try to talk, she is not even willing to listen. We have been through very tough times together, and I thought our relationship is tougher than this. Why would she get so upset?
curiousnycgirl Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I think it is time for a serious, mature discussion between the two of you. While she is entitle to an opinion, she is not allowed to berate you for your decisions. You should be able to discuss these things without her becoming defensive or feeling attacked - that is where the maturity part comes in. Additionally she must take some repsonsibility for the success of both your relationship and your mutual future (s). What is this bs that she has not found even a minimum wage job in 4 years?! The economy only took a downturn in later 2008 - what has she been doing? Sorry I'm not buying it. I think she is insulting her own intelligence by not getting a job - her turning it around on you is nothing more than a power play. While it may be ok for a woman to play these head games of he "must call me and plan all the dates," in the beginning, by the time the couple is discussing/planning marriage, that crap should be ancient history. Sorry to tell you this, but she does not sound ready for partnership here. So unless you are expecting an old fashioned marriage, where she stays at home and you work - you guys are not ready to get married yet.
Author nge123 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 She used to claim that she wanted to be a power woman, one that has a career, marriage and kids all together. She also expressed a wish to go back to school and get a higher level degree. Those views have changed, and now she is more about being a homemaker. Her relationship with her mother is emotionaly abusive. None of her brothers has a job, nor any higher education, and they are 30 and 32 now. Her mother is very dominerring, and all of the children are too scared to try for succes. That house has problems, and we have worked through many of them. As to her, she is both mature and not in differnt forms. I must be honest and say that I am not all the great myself (28 and just finished college, living with my parents, working for minimum wage, ect.). But I am hoping to change that ASAP now that college is finally done. I really want to move out, and have her move partly in, see how see handes the freedom. I know that when I was 19 and had moved out, I matured drastically in a very short time. We are keeping separte accounts so no need to worry about the money being blown or anything. An old fashion marriage is kind of what I want, in a way. I dont mean she needs to be tied to the kitchen or spend 80 hours a week raising kids, or any of that junk. I mean I want to leave for work knowing that my children will have at least one parent there for them when they need it, and both as often as is reasonable. I also like the idea of having home cooked meals over going out for food, and she happens to be great at cooking. But for the first part of our living together, we both want jobs. To pay off student loans, save up for a house, fund our retirement and vacations. @curiousnycgirl and sb129: Thank you for the perspectives. I did have a phone conversation with her recently in which she said she feels broken hearted about arguing, but no hint of any kind of compramise or apology. She wants me to come over this afternoon. As to why she does not have a job, most of it is due to her mother, who has this impression that since she makes $80k a year as a prision guard with a high school equivelancy, that a college grad should be making more than that. It is a broken perspective, and the truth is that the prision system here in CA is broken because off things like that. My fiance wants to work for corrections, but does not have the attitude or size to handle the job, and she has failed the interview for 3 times running (it takes a year to get the interview). Her mother keeps pushing her for it, and will not accept anything other than that or nursing. Honestly her mother really has a warped perspective on American culture, and has no idea about how lucky she is in having such a cushy job.
sb129 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 She is currently making $0- how can that contribute towards your shared goals? Now isn't the right time to be an intellectual snob. Unfortunately quite a few college grads seem to get a sense of entitlement along with their degree, but in the current economic climate many well educated people are taking paycuts to keep a roof over their heads. Working a job, any job, to provide for yourselves as a couple is TRUE maturity.
Author nge123 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 She is currently making $0- how can that contribute towards your shared goals? Now isn't the right time to be an intellectual snob. Unfortunately quite a few college grads seem to get a sense of entitlement along with their degree, but in the current economic climate many well educated people are taking paycuts to keep a roof over their heads. Working a job, any job, to provide for yourselves as a couple is TRUE maturity. Just because I am not sure what you mean, who is being the snob in your opinion? Me for not taking the job yesterday; my Fiance, for not finding a job; or her mother for insisting that my fiance works for corrections? I really am glad for the outside viewpoints. I want to try and understand this from as many angels as I can.
sb129 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Your fiancee AND her mother. You are already in paid employment, right? Holding out for a better job while you already have one isn't being a snob, its wise. If you had taken the one that paid an extra $60 pw it may have looked bad on your resume if you left it early etc etc. Being picky about jobs when you DON'T have one is being a snob- and expecting to earn a certain figure JUST BECAUSE you have college degree is too.
sb129 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Seems to me like your fiancee is quite happy to live off her well-paid mother (who is enabling her to a point) until you get a job thats highly paid enough and then she will live off you. If thats cool with you, thats fine- but how will you pay off her student loans as well as your own, not to mention a wedding and a family etc?
Author nge123 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 I see. Well her mom really likes calling the shots. As far as I feel, as long as she keeps insisting that her daughter works for corrections, she can keep paying the student loans. As for making ends meet, most of the jobs through the state and school districts are paying $3300/month starting (might be able to get on, Math teachers are hard to come by here). Substitute teachers make $150 a day (already applied, waiting for my degree paperwork to finish). Private industry (where I spend my most time looking for work) is paying around $45K a year. I think that either way I can make ends meet, but yes to thrive well, until the student loans are gone we really both need to be working.
sb129 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Of course you should both be working! What was the point of her getting an education and racking up all those student loans if she never intended to use them? $150 per day X2= $300 per day. You do realise that "moms opinion" is going to permeate every aspect of your married life, don't you?
Author nge123 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Of course you should both be working! What was the point of her getting an education and racking up all those student loans if she never intended to use them? $150 per day X2= $300 per day. You do realise that "moms opinion" is going to permeate every aspect of your married life, don't you? Actually I have the mom problem nipped in the bud. She thought she could boss me around, but I straight up told her a few years back that it was not going to work, and all it would do was give her heartburn. Since then she has backed off from me. Sure, she will always be a part of my life, and my future children's lives (I think that grandparents really are a blessing), but she wont be as domineering.
sb129 Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Ok, thats cool. She is still controlling your life indirectly though- by domineering your fiancee! Hey, sounds to me like you need to have a proper "where are we going" talk with your fiancee. Not in a bad way, just in a "circumstances have changed and could change again, where are we at and where do we want to be, and what do we both need to do to get there" kind of way. My H and I have chats like that on a reasonably regular basis- its essential for us to be able to plan our finances when there have been so many things happen to us lately (getting married, buying a house, having a baby etc) We also have a budget that we try and stick to so we can see where our money is going and where we can cut back if we need extra money for something. Its been really great and saves alot of time and arguing.
Author nge123 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 The written out budget is a good idea. Well we solved the argument, and she apologized for it. Apparently she went off the deep end because of jealousy. I am getting interviews and job offers (even though they have been mostly junk) and I just started looking! After she apologized, we talked it all over, and now she seems willing to let me help her out a bit more on the job hunt. The advice and perspective here is great, thanks guys!
sb129 Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Glad to be of assistance. Good luck with the budgeting- its kinda scary when you see where all your money goes, no more take-out coffees for me! But it is good to be able to cut back on little stuff and pay off big things- its a good feeling when the credit card balance is $0.
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