gregory_z Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I have been reading this forum for a bit now. I would like to write and get it off my chest, but I would appreciate input as I am often not being able to step back and put things in perspective. Basically I have been living together with my partner for over four years. We are not married, but I feel we've been living like that as we share all our finances and responsibilities. She told me she feels that too. My family was never supportive about it, and has tried to break us up. Through many ways such as emotional blackmail, and giving an ultimatum. They have always been controlling and I believe they were afraid to lose that power over me. She is the best that ever happened to me, and I love her so much. I am amazed how she has gone through all the stress and still be strong. She was always besides me even when I was really really sick at the hospital. Sadly I did not cope with stress as well as she did. I was angry all the time, and every little thing would set me off. She was always around, so I would often leash out at her for no apparent reason. I am really sad, and I profoundly regret all I did even though she forgives me for everything. Everything has a limit, so she decided she wanted some time off. She moved out almost 3 months back and staying so far that I would have to get on an air plane to get there. She says she just needs time to rebuild herself, and think things over. However, I feel that we are growing apart each day. I haven't seen her since, and we occasionally talk online. I am really scared specially because of the uncertainty. It is really frightening, and I have never felt so lost. I keep thinking that she is trying to let us go slowly so it may be easier on both of us. I found help by going to a counsellor; it is slowly helping me, but I am still having my really down days. All the plans that we made feels like they are disappearing. Her family is so great, and from the first day they treated me like I was one of them. It hurts to think that I may lose them too, and it is even worse the feeling that I disappointed them.
TrustInYourself Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Sounds like you are scared to alienate your family and take the plunge of death (marriage) with a woman you love. Depends on how secure you are with yourself. What do you want? What does she want from you? You sound like you don't have the balls to follow your heart.
Author gregory_z Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Sounds like you are scared to alienate your family and take the plunge of death (marriage) with a woman you love. Depends on how secure you are with yourself. What do you want? What does she want from you? You sound like you don't have the balls to follow your heart. It is hard to admit, but I think you are right. For sometime now though I have actually decided that I wanted to marry her. Since her parents are overseas I was trying to get a chance to talk to them first as they would surely appreciate that. However, all this happened before I could do so. I am sure that I want spend the rest of my life with her. Until recently I was sure she wanted the same, even more than I. Right now I don't know, and she avoids talking about where our relationship will go. She says she just needs time off to rebuild herself, it is a hard time for her as well as she is unemployed for a months now.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Why does your family not like her??? 4 years is a long time without an engagement or anything to solidify anything.
Author gregory_z Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Why does your family not like her??? 4 years is a long time without an engagement or anything to solidify anything. I don't think it is her in particular, it could have been anyone one else. My relationship with my family has always been very unhealthy. They have tried to control every aspect of my life until I moved out of the house. I guess me being in a happy relationship solidified the fact that they cannot control me anymore. Me and my partner talked a bit about getting married after we are career/financially secured. We wanted to be in a stable job and buy a house in preparation for that. We even had particular accounts where we saved money for those objectives. Recently she decided to close them because she says she does not want to use my part of the money as she is not working at the moment. I felt like I was stabbed on my heart.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I don't think it is her in particular, it could have been anyone one else. My relationship with my family has always been very unhealthy. They have tried to control every aspect of my life until I moved out of the house. I guess me being in a happy relationship solidified the fact that they cannot control me anymore. Me and my partner talked a bit about getting married after we are career/financially secured. We wanted to be in a stable job and buy a house in preparation for that. We even had particular accounts where we saved money for those objectives. Recently she decided to close them because she says she does not want to use my part of the money as she is not working at the moment. I felt like I was stabbed on my heart. I'm sorry to hear that, maybe she just got fed up with waiting? maybe she doesnt want to get married, maybe there's someone else. If she doesnt come back and makes no attempts to contact you. I advise you to move on.
Author gregory_z Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 I'm sorry to hear that, maybe she just got fed up with waiting? maybe she doesnt want to get married, maybe there's someone else. If she doesnt come back and makes no attempts to contact you. I advise you to move on. I know why we are taking this time off. Basically I could not manage my stress and I was angry all the time; a couple of doctor friends thought it was some sort of depression. I would get angry at her for no reason, and we would argue. It is really my fault, and I do regret everything I did. She still contacts me. Most of the time it is her who messages me to ask how my day was. I understand that she needs her space right now, so when we talk it feels very distant.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I know why we are taking this time off. Basically I could not manage my stress and I was angry all the time; a couple of doctor friends thought it was some sort of depression. I would get angry at her for no reason, and we would argue. It is really my fault, and I do regret everything I did. She still contacts me. Most of the time it is her who messages me to ask how my day was. I understand that she needs her space right now, so when we talk it feels very distant. You need to have a gameplan solider. Make overtures in her direction. Show her you have changed for the better.
Author gregory_z Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 You need to have a gameplan solider. Make overtures in her direction. Show her you have changed for the better. I have been going to counselling and it helped me put things into perspective; she was very relieved and proud of this step. Also trying to not talk to her too much looking needy and let her have her space, it is hard but I am managing it. Trying not to show her that I am being emotional but in control, which is the hardest! Essentially I have to be happy by myself again, and things will be ok. Easy on paper, but harder to turn into reality. Not sure what else to do.
Author gregory_z Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Maybe this belongs better in the "coping" section? Can a mod please transfer it over?
carhill Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 IMO, you're 'coping' with a separation, not a firm and confirmed end of a relationship. Different animals. Proper section right here, if you ask me. Let's review, as I have some experience here... You, historically, don't appear to handle stress well. I can empathize. I've been a loose cannon in that regard. You also appear to have an unhealthy relationship with your family. I haven't experienced that. All of these factors have combined to exhibit less than loving behaviors by you towards your partner, whom I assume you love. She tired of this dynamic and chose to take a break. Can't say as I blame her. You were probably sucking the life out of her, even though you likely find that thought mortifying. She still is in contact with you and is interested. This screams stability. She's showing you that she has a boundary as to what she will accept, but still has love and concern. If I were her, I would be recharging my love bank and looking for consistent words and actions from you to indicate that you can and will respect her boundary. What are those words and actions? One, working on better processing your emotions. That's a hard one. Takes a lot of work. We were in MC for over a year and I still struggle with that. Two, man-up with your family. Indicate, through calm words and actions, that you are your own man and your family does not run your life. Disconnect them if you have to (this means go total NC with them). Sounds harsh. It is. Harsh is sometimes healthy Three, prioritize your partner and your relationship. Be consistent. Since you and she continue contact, be proactive and interested in and caring about her life. Balance the equation. Don't pressure her. In time, if things are going OK, ask her if you can visit her. Accept her response. OP, some people in this world have good hearts. You found one. Don't screw it up
Author gregory_z Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 All of these factors have combined to exhibit less than loving behaviors by you towards your partner, whom I assume you love. She tired of this dynamic and chose to take a break. Can't say as I blame her. You were probably sucking the life out of her, even though you likely find that thought mortifying. That is true. She says that she forgives me for everything. The hard part is really to forgive myself. I haven' accomplished that yet, most of the time I don't think I deserve. Two, man-up with your family. Indicate, through calm words and actions, that you are your own man and your family does not run your life. Disconnect them if you have to (this means go total NC with them). Sounds harsh. It is. Harsh is sometimes healthy They were really poisonous to both of us. It has been total NC for a very long time now. Three, prioritize your partner and your relationship. Be consistent. Since you and she continue contact, be proactive and interested in and caring about her life. Balance the equation. Don't pressure her. In time, if things are going OK, ask her if you can visit her. Accept her response. Understood. But how do you develop the patience? I agree that we have to give time and I am struggling to go through each day not knowing what is going to happen. OP, some people in this world have good hearts. You found one. Don't screw it up I know. I feel blessed that we have been together, but I messed it up many times. This time off has been made me think and understand things that now I am prepared to do better. I love her and I hope she still loves me.
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