outofsorts Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Wife has a guy, a friend, who she speaks with frequently 3-5 times per week as well as texting. She deletes the text messages and has lied about speaking with him. I have asked her to cease contact and have been informed that I have no right to tell her who she can/can not speak to. Has met him and I was told about it by a friend who saw them, lunch or something else??? She told her mom that he is interested in her. Money is an issue with us, he is very well off, lawyer. When I speak to her about him she is defensive and says that he calls her about work items(banking, even though he is way out or her banks area) and mutual friends activities(involved in horse shows). Once a year she goes to a show for 8-9 days and is pissed if the kids and I are present, he is at this show. Our presence ruins her time off/away. This has been going on for approx 2 years. We have two great children who she has said she could do without. She also states that an animal's life is of more value to her than a human being. We have sex once per week if it suits her schedule. I have inquired for more frequency I am told to do it myself or get a girlfriend, she just doesn't need it/no desire. She is also extremely narcissistic, very conscious of how she looks and spends a lot of money on upkeep, even though she doesn't need to, makes her feel good. Likes to be the center of attention. Confused as to what to do.
mark982 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 outofsorts--reread your post,even stevie wonder can see she's ho-ing.
seibert253 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder can see what's going on here. Time to brush off your investigative skills. 1. Detailed cell phone records 2. Keylogger on computers 3. GPS tracker on her vehicle 4. Voice activated recorder Gather evidence then confront her. Or you can do nothing and continue being lied to and cheated on.
tojaz Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Plain and simple, if she lied about it, SHE thinks there is something inappropriate there. YOU should absolutely start digging. Keep us posted. TOJAZ
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 This has been going on for approx 2 years. We have two great children who she has said she could do without. Seriously, after reading this, my stomach lurched. KICK her OUT of your house. She is choosing to have an affair and betray you, hurt you and the kids. She is selfish and wants what she wants. The choice is, stay and put up with her cheating behaviour, or tell her to move out so she can go be with her OM. OR, tell her to end it with him and do marriage counselling with you. Take your pick, depending on what you want. The woman whom you call your wife is NOT your wife right now. She's not the mother you had hoped she'd be to your children. Only way she'll change is if she suffers consquences and has to change her ways. RIght now she's got it all, you, the kids, the house, money - AND someone on the side.
Author outofsorts Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 At present, my proof is all the phone calls and one(for sure, lunch meeting). The gathering evidence is going to be tough. This horse show is attended by my wife's father and he tries to keep an eye on things, from distance. He has never approved of her getting involved in the horse shows as a married woman with children. This group including the MM that is the thorn in my side parties till all hours and some of them are known for not being faithful. I am going to seek a counselor and lay out my case and request that she attend. Plan to call the MM and advise him to step away. Don't know if his wife knows about this situation or does not care/willing participant. Maybe she has her own flings.
dgiirl Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Whether she has physically slept with him or not, her behavior indicates at least an emotional affair. The fact that she communicates so frequently with this male friend of hers, who she knows is interested in HER and wants something more than friendship, and hides this relationship from you, indicates an emotional affair or at the very least, huge disrespect towards you, your feelings, and your marriage. I never understand why people's advice is to "dig for proof" to see if she's cheating. I think you've got enough evidence on your plate to know your marriage is in trouble and you need help. If she's willing, I would go to marriage counseling. Otherwise, I would get out. Either you have a marriage partner who respects you, your feelings and TRIES to work with you on the problems, or you dont. If you dont, why stay?
Author outofsorts Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 She is an only child, product of a nasty divorce when she was 8 years old. Likes to have her alone/quiet at certain times. In April we went to Florida, w/o the kids had a great time. She says she "allowed" me to go with her, it was her idea to take the trip. Very selfish.
seibert253 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 She is an only child, product of a nasty divorce when she was 8 years old. Likes to have her alone/quiet at certain times. In April we went to Florida, w/o the kids had a great time. She says she "allowed" me to go with her, it was her idea to take the trip. Very selfish. She is selfish. Sounds like NPP disorder to me. After re-reading your post, looks like you've contributed somewhat to this. Probably "in the interest of domestic harmony". I found myself in a simular situation, allowing my wife to do as she pleased "for domestic harmony". Got to a point where I said enough is enough, and laid it all out. You've got to learn the phrase, "No, I don't not agree and I think it's wrong. If you love me you will respect my feelings and do not do this." It's coming to a point my friend. Soon you're going to have to confront her and lay it on the line. Goes something like this; Stop this because it's wrong and disrespectful to me, or it's time we go our seperate ways. I am no longer going to allow this to occur.
Author outofsorts Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 There is/was a 3 day horse show she attended, back today at some point. Wife's father jumped the gun w/o my knowledge and confronted the OM.So the wife & I spoke, she informed me that her dad is now out of her life & I am on the brink.She informed me that I should have known since I met her that she likes attention and flirting. The phone calls and who knows what else have been going on for almost 2 years. I asked if the OM's wife(she travels a lot) knows & was told that she better not find out(her reason was why ruin anybody elses life over something so stupid). The other guy told my wife about his discussion w/her dad because he was surprised that this was an issue between her & I. Of course she brings out the D-word and I think I see the light. I feel terrible for my kids and my father-in-law. What is best, should I file for divorce first or let her make a move.
BUENG1 Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 There is/was a 3 day horse show she attended, back today at some point. Wife's father jumped the gun w/o my knowledge and confronted the OM.So the wife & I spoke, she informed me that her dad is now out of her life & I am on the brink.She informed me that I should have known since I met her that she likes attention and flirting. The phone calls and who knows what else have been going on for almost 2 years. I asked if the OM's wife(she travels a lot) knows & was told that she better not find out(her reason was why ruin anybody elses life over something so stupid). The other guy told my wife about his discussion w/her dad because he was surprised that this was an issue between her & I. Of course she brings out the D-word and I think I see the light. I feel terrible for my kids and my father-in-law. What is best, should I file for divorce first or let her make a move. Do you live in at fault state, have a career of your own? Who makes more money. You should see a lawyer.
mark982 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 she has the balls to cut her dad outta her life, and tell you you're on the brink.buddy she got to go.not tomorrow,today. treating you like a chump.call her bluff,call om wife,have her dad call also,toss her azz out.
seibert253 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Time to man up. IF you do, tell her you love her more than anything, you are willing to accept your shortcomings and will give 100% on fixing the marriage, but you are not going to accept this "friendship", or whatever it is, and it is fracturing your marriage. Let her know she has to make a choice, your husband or the "friend". Even before you do this, consult with an attorney and have D papers drawn up. If she chooses the friend, tell her she has a week to find someplace to live and have her served. Best senerio, this will be the 2X4 of reality upside her head and may snap her out of the affair fog. Yes this is an affair. Worst, you divorce, move on, and find another who will treat you with love, respect, and dignity. Wait, maybe this is the better senerio. Good Luck and God bless.
FoolMeAgain Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 1- Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 2- You already know. Denial is the part of the brain that monitors how much pain to let in. 3- For her Dad to know--- It must be obvoius as hell. To get 'evidence' I called my STBX -om and recorded the call with him. I told him that she just told me everything and I was calling to tell his wife unless he could give me a good reason not to. He confessed and started begging. I got what I needed. Evidence. But that doesn't change a thing. Remember, you already know, that's why your here on a divorce board. dump her fast.
Gunny376 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 WTF! Hell yea you call the SOB's wife and drop the bomb! And then to all of her friends? And then to all of her family! And then you take a road-side billboard next to the busiest highway in town to the fact! (I'd go with the old fashion ones ~ not the ones that change every couple of minutes!) What's she going to do? Divorce you? Cheat on you? Sleep with another man? Take away your birthday? Make you join the Marines, shave your head and send you overseas and fight in Afghanistan? Quit dragging this dead horse around with you everywhere you go!
Author outofsorts Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 So now I find out her mother did this to my father-in-law when my wife was 8 or so. She even took my wife/her 8 year old daughter to her interlude with her guy in Chicago. I picked up a book on Borderline Personality Disorder and am gleaning a fair bit of info from it. Another one I am looking at is Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley. As for me and the wife we have not really spoken much, since Friday June 12th. She has not had cellphone contact with the OM. I have the information on his wife, not ready to pull the trigger on that yet, still formulating my approach. I want to go to counseling together, don't know if she will; plan to find out this week sometime.
Author outofsorts Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 FoolMeAgain I got what I needed. Evidence. But that doesn't change a thing. Remember, you already know, that's why your here on a divorce board. dump her fast. I have a lot of circumstantial evidence, no smoking gun. With the exception of the phone logs, flirting at the horse shows, the reaction to getting me & the kids out of the showgrounds so she can play for 8-9 days and the fact that she told her mom that a guy is interested. Interested enough that at one point at one of these shows, before he passed out drunk he told her he would love to lick her pu**y. She says that she is offended by him saying that. She told me he said this, I don't know why, it makes me absolutely furious that it happened and that this relationship continues to be a factor in our lives. My logic on this is that I would have never said something like that(sober or drunk) unless I was in the position to do it. I turned the table and asked if this had been posed to me by a woman wanting to provide a BJ and she said it would not be a big deal. I am almost certain she has met his wife, but she probably does not know about the phone conversations and texting, she apparently travels a lot. Coincidence is that I travel a lot for work also. I am in Missouri, a no fault state.
clv0116 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I have a lot of circumstantial evidence, no smoking gun. With the exception of the phone logs, flirting at the horse shows, What do you need to know? She's behaving in an inappropriate manner, man up and tell her to fly right. Don't get all cute, tell her you need her to be transparent in her relationships with these other people, no matter what sort of relationship it is. If she won't do that, and won't fix her behavior - you know what to do. You can't force someone to behave as you want them to. The couples counselling thing actually sounds like a good idea.
Author outofsorts Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Things have improved, still need to find a knowledgeable, marriage counselor. Wife has not had contact, that I know of, with the OM. Almost, like it never existed. Maybe the wakeup call/warning shot across the her and the OM's bow was more help than I could have expected.
Author outofsorts Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 sent a text message to om last night 9:10pm and received a reply at 9:11pm
seibert253 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 sent a text message to om last night 9:10pm and received a reply at 9:11pm Aparently the shot across the bow didn't work. Time for nuclear. Let the cat out of the bag, tell everyone including OM's wife. When she's gone pack her bags, have them sitting out on the street when she gets home. Also, change the door locks. Let her know you gave her a chance and by contacting the OM, she made her choice.
2sure Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Sounds like the MM felt her Dad speaking of the Affair (because thats EXACTLY what it is) made him take a step back. Your wife at this point doesnt sound as though she cares about your marriage - but the MM sure wants to keep his intact. The paranoia wont last long, when she reaches out to him he will soon come back unless the Affair is revealed to all parties involved. You dont need a smoking gun. This is your life, your family, your marriage. What have you to lose?
lkjh Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Dude, man up and tell his wife. Why are you chasing a wife that does not respect you and is so willing to just throw you away? If you let her treat you like this she will just keep doing it
everydaymatters Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 sent a text message to om last night 9:10pm and received a reply at 9:11pm What did the text message(s) say? IMO, she's already made her choice... it's time that you make yours. You can either dump her or let her continue to make a fool of you. Sorry if this sounds brutal.
Recommended Posts