Her Past, and Having Sex Right After a Breakup

[samspade]

Would you date a girl that has slept with 200 guys? I know some guys would. I'm not that guy, at least not yet.

 

I may already have and don't even know it.

 

If i knew going in, yeah, I'd drop her. But I don't want to dig around her past. What matters to me is 1) is she clean, and 2) what is her propensity to cheat - which admittedly can be best determined by past behavior.

 

USUALLY a woman will let this language leak out at some point, if she has a history of cheating.

 

I agree with you that a woman can still be a slut, but I don't know what the number is. I suppose it's all relative. After all, there are porn stars who are married and still gang banging away, and their spouses are cool with it.

 

If your GF kept alluding to it, then she may have been testing you. Or maybe she subconsciously wants you to know so she can tell if you're comfortable with it. I don't know. The thing is, you don't sound comfortable, and perhaps you need more experience of your own.

 

As far as your love for your GF versus wanting to date around, let me just say that you must always be willing to walk away, if necessary. It's your call, but if you're not able to do that, then you're not in control of your destiny. It's easy to be scared of giving up a girl and venturing into single life, but that's not a good reason to hang on to a GF if your heart isn't into it or if you feel you need to change things.

[hj2009]

His "number" doesn't matter, as long as I'm the only one while we're dating. However, I also don't ask for "numbers." It's none of my business, and nothing good could possibly come from knowing that information.

 

Define "inappropriate." As long as it's not illegal, he wants to include me, and he doesn't pressure me or cross my boundaries, so what? Besides that, finding out what turns him on, what he's into, etc. is half the fun of hooking up with a bf. I'm sure it would come out eventually, in the natural course of things. I can't imagine grilling someone about that - geez you are really uptight about sex.

 

"Serious problems" and STDs are NOT your business unless it directly affects YOU, such as if she had herpes.

 

I would definitely want to know about STDs... we just differ there. What if you found out your boyfriend cheated on girlfriends previously?

[hj2009]

Accept her for who she is now or let her go to find someone who accepts her past. Do not ask her if it was a "mistake" - people do a lot of things in life that, in hindsight, they should not have done, but it is those things that we learn from. One thing is for sure, you may not have to break up with her because she will break up with you if you make her feel ashamed of her past. What will make you happy? Her saying that her "slut" past is a mistake and that she has seen the light?

 

I'm not really sure. I sort of want to know what her thoughts/feelings were.

[hj2009]

I may already have and don't even know it.

 

If i knew going in, yeah, I'd drop her. But I don't want to dig around her past. What matters to me is 1) is she clean, and 2) what is her propensity to cheat - which admittedly can be best determined by past behavior.

 

USUALLY a woman will let this language leak out at some point, if she has a history of cheating.

 

I agree with you that a woman can still be a slut, but I don't know what the number is. I suppose it's all relative. After all, there are porn stars who are married and still gang banging away, and their spouses are cool with it.

 

If your GF kept alluding to it, then she may have been testing you. Or maybe she subconsciously wants you to know so she can tell if you're comfortable with it. I don't know. The thing is, you don't sound comfortable, and perhaps you need more experience of your own.

 

As far as your love for your GF versus wanting to date around, let me just say that you must always be willing to walk away, if necessary. It's your call, but if you're not able to do that, then you're not in control of your destiny. It's easy to be scared of giving up a girl and venturing into single life, but that's not a good reason to hang on to a GF if your heart isn't into it or if you feel you need to change things.

 

Thanks for the thoughtful response, Samspade.

 

Yep, I agree. I am certainly willing to walk away and nearly did at one point for a completely different reason. I really enjoy being single, but right now my heart IS into it. I love her and what I really want is to be able to get over this so I don't **** it up.

[lora22]

What if you found out your boyfriend cheated on girlfriends previously?

 

I don't see that as a sex issue, I see that as a relationship issue, which is something that should be discussed. I personally don't think the dirty details need to be known in most cases, but I do like to know basic information about my bf's past relationships, which includes things like cheating.

[hj2009]

I don't see that as a sex issue, I see that as a relationship issue, which is something that should be discussed. I personally don't think the dirty details need to be known in most cases, but I do like to know basic information about my bf's past relationships, which includes things like cheating.

 

Isn't the nature/context of the sexual relationship what bothers you about cheating though? The fact that he did it while in another relationship?

 

It's the nature/context of the sexual relationship that is bothering me here. Obviously there are major differences, but I don't think you can completely separate a relationship issue from a sex issue.

[TheBigQuestion]

I'd say you're in a pretty tough spot right now for sure. I sympathize with you more than most other posters here, although I disagree in one important respect.

 

I think most of the posters here are out of line trying to imply that your gf's sexual past is none of your business. If you can tell each other pretty much anything or everything else, if you can be judgmental about pretty much anything or everything else, then goddamn it, it can apply to sexual pasts too. The hostile responses you've been getting from people here are probably just a result of them feeling ambiguous about their own pasts, and thus are trying to justify your gf's actions as "common" or "normal." Being idealistic is not a crime, good sir, and don't let these people fool you. We should all strive to be better than the norm.

 

The bottom line is that you love your girlfriend with all of your heart. In allusion to what another poster said, you wouldn't be thrilled finding out that another important female in your life had a lurid sexual past, such as a mother, sister, daughter, and so forth. Granted the type of "love" there isn't the same, but it's still people you care about deeply. I can totally relate to the disappointment and confusion you would feel upon finding out that your girlfriend had a good amount of no-strings attached sex and used a bunch of guys for a shallow self-esteem boost. I especially relate because the girl who most recently screwed me over is apparently notorious for hanging out with a bunch of guys, leading a few on, and then moving on when she gets bored. I tried getting into an LTR with her, and this information certainly would've helped me towards the beginning rather than the end.

 

It sounds to me that your gf at one point had this same sex-for-only-validation complex, especially since she had these "orbiters" that she kept in contact with. If your girlfriend is hot from an "objective perspective," you can pretty much be assured that 95% of her male friends/acquaintances have either had sex with her, want to have sex with her, at one point wanted to have sex with her, or wouldn't pass it up given the opportunity. Such is the male libido. Comforting thought, isn't it?

 

Either way, if she's not cheating on you now, and if she's as great a girlfriend as you say she is, then I think that's worth a lot more than questionable sexual ethics. I agree with the conclusion of many other posters, just not their reasoning. You are perfectly within your rights to be concerned/shocked/disappointed/unhappy with the news you've received.

[My.Heroine]

Mhmm that would be really hard to just let roll off ur back, at least mine ne wayz. It begins to get conflicting when ur heart finds that person and growz feelings different from what mind wants to rationalize. Thats totally understandable. Sometimes u start to see a person in a whole different light and u realize u don't really know that person ne more, and or if they're who u really fell in love with. Wat hurts most about that is feeling uv fell in love w. someone who only really existed in ur memory, b.c that never was her from the start... but u didn't know that . The thing about this is, u will never get the person u fell in love w. back b.c now u kno their past...and if u dont feel right about this "new" girl then i suggest moving on, b.c the "old" girl will never exist. Wat i kno for sure is that u have to love and respect urself b4 u can return that same gift to ne one else. And in my eyez, sex is a #1 act of love, (thats part of the reason its so0o0 great! ) and if she gave that gift of herself, ones whole essence away to just ne one w, no feelings attached, how r u ever gonna kno wat she's givin u is real? at this point theres nothing she could give u thats special enuff that she hasn't already given up to every tom dick and harry . I am 20 but i still think that one day i will be married and i will have more respect for the "one" and i will keep him in mind when i choose who i give that part of me away to. He won't get "sloppy" 3rds, or 4ths. My boy will appreciate that b.c i want him to have me completely and me him! I think u deserve better and at least ul kno where thats been and where its NOT going. If thats the best she can do for moral standardz then yikez...is cheating wrong in her eyez, b.c i can tell u, she didnt respect herself enuff to care about ebaying the most intimate part of her to *insert names here*, so there is NO WAY she would abstain from an affair out of respect for U. Keep in mind that one day ur luv will be the mother of ur children. Im not sayin these ppl are badd in ne way, we make mistakez and learn from them...buttttt apparently she juuuust discovered (after she's been w. u and knos u dun aprove) shes the town bicycle that everyone has taken a ride on and now shes usin it to run away from the fact that it happend instead of dealing w. it. I just hope she dont deal with it like she did in the past. Plz just dont let her take advantage of ur kind heart. And if she did it to previous ex's, u may just be tossed in her dirty laundry pile (bout as serious as she takez it), and trust me, if it happens, u wont feel very proud when she airs it all out on the clothesline for the whole neighbourhood. U don't wana be another victim in the same story she tellz the next guy!

 

Find a girl that deserves ur essence, and when she getz it, it will be the only one she EVER cravez nice thought eh

x0x0 =)

[lora22]

I think most of the posters here are out of line trying to imply that your gf's sexual past is none of your business. If you can tell each other pretty much anything or everything else, if you can be judgmental about pretty much anything or everything else, then goddamn it, it can apply to sexual pasts too. The hostile responses you've been getting from people here are probably just a result of them feeling ambiguous about their own pasts, and thus are trying to justify your gf's actions as "common" or "normal." Being idealistic is not a crime, good sir, and don't let these people fool you. We should all strive to be better than the norm.

No one was "hostile" when they advised the OP of their opinions. I can only speak for myself, but I would be willing to bet that most people who responded don't have "issues" with their sexual backgrounds. It seems like common sense to me.

 

Loving someone is about ACCEPTANCE, not judgment.

 

OP, I'm sorry that there is such a huge discrepancy between your girlfriend's actions prior to dating you and your apparent moral and philosophical stance. I honestly hope that your issue, or the issue of some of these other posters doesn't stem from a double standard that men often hold about situations like this, or that this isn't some type of Madonna/whore complex, which is the first thing I thought of when I read the last two posts. Or maybe they're just insecure. Doesn't really matter.

 

Anyways, bottom line, you need to move on or break up; IMO it's not a good idea to bring this up to your gf, it will only cause more problems. If you break up with her, you might consider digging up sexual history before you get involved with a girl, since this seems to be an issue for you.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[lora22]

Isn't the nature/context of the sexual relationship what bothers you about cheating though? The fact that he did it while in another relationship?

 

It's the nature/context of the sexual relationship that is bothering me here. Obviously there are major differences, but I don't think you can completely separate a relationship issue from a sex issue.

I actually don't feel like getting into a discussion about that; but I disagree that the cheating thing is as black and white as just sex, I think it's much more complex than that.

 

But you're right, you can't completely separate relationship/sex.

[My.Heroine]

No one was "hostile" when they advised the OP of their opinions. I can only speak for myself, but I would be willing to bet that most people who responded don't have "issues" with their sexual backgrounds. It seems like common sense to me.

 

Loving someone is about ACCEPTANCE, not judgment.

 

OP, I'm sorry that there is such a huge discrepancy between your girlfriend's actions prior to dating you and your apparent moral and philosophical stance. I honestly hope that your issue, or the issue of some of these other posters doesn't stem from a double standard that men often hold about situations like this, or that this isn't some type of Madonna/whore complex, which is the first thing I thought of when I read the last two posts. Or maybe they're just insecure. Doesn't really matter.

 

Anyways, bottom line, you need to move on or break up; IMO it's not a good idea to bring this up to your gf, it will only cause more problems. If you break up with her, you might consider digging up sexual history before you get involved with a girl, since this seems to be an issue for you.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

yaaaa not to be steppin on toez and i aint dr. phil but im pretty sure that he is having a hard time dealing w. a serious intimate issue which MUST be addressed w, his g.f. Whether or not she likes it and it stirrs up more problems is beside the point. If she loves him like she sayz, if she is mature and is caring and understanding of his feelingz she will handle it accordingly. I mean at wat age do we man up for our mistakez and deal with them as adults and admit there was a problem, esp. if it inteferes w. the happiness/fulfillment of the person we supposidly love. But that he should deny his feelingz and needz in a relationship is only going to cause him further conflict within himself and GUARANTEED cause resentment b.c these thingz can stew and manifest themselvez into something terrible. Its easier to either work on it together now, or shut it out and have the same recurrent feelings in the future after ur married. Thats senseless. He needz to kno if he can deal w. that beforehand and if she can put his monster at ease b.c it WILL surface eventually. Besidez, if she lovez him and is mature, she will respect his openess, willingness to work out issues, and his honesty...these are great qualitiez that are hard to come by. I hope she welcomez these qualitiez and ne constructive critisizm...we cant conduct our livez shabbily and get off w.o consequence. This is a consequence. Maybe she needz one in order to get her head in the game. But no sense in him holdin back now, better than when ur married. It was her actions and she should be accountable for them. That meanz acknowledging her b.f's feelingz about that and doing all she can to start a new page w. him if he is who she respects and is committed to.

 

Otherz may be too liberal minded to agree with me...maybe feeling a need to defend her actionz for fear of being a *hypocrite* but i for one kno that i am NOT "insecure". I AM just THAT secure that i kno someone special is deserving of all this candy and i dont have to give it away to ne 1 who accepts ne thing that will hold still long enuff to gitRdun. I kno how he is feelin,: its gettin the ****ty end of the stick - and the ppl who **** on it seem to think he should be ok with that. He should never be told to stuff his feelingz. And personally, i think thats the worst advice EVER. hj2009, i dont even kno u and i have more respect 4 u than this so plz have more than that 4 urself, and DONT sweep ur concernz under the carpet b.c they too are valuable. aghh that makez me madd i tell u wat.

[lora22]

yaaaa not to be steppin on toez and i aint dr. phil but im pretty sure that he is having a hard time dealing w. a serious intimate issue which MUST be addressed w, his g.f. Whether or not she likes it and it stirrs up more problems is beside the point. If she loves him like she sayz, if she is mature and is caring and understanding of his feelingz she will handle it accordingly. I mean at wat age do we man up for our mistakez and deal with them as adults and admit there was a problem, esp. if it inteferes w. the happiness/fulfillment of the person we supposidly love. But that he should deny his feelingz and needz in a relationship is only going to cause him further conflict within himself and GUARANTEED cause resentment b.c these thingz can stew and manifest themselvez into something terrible. Its easier to either work on it together now, or shut it out and have the same recurrent feelings in the future after ur married. Thats senseless. He needz to kno if he can deal w. that beforehand and if she can put his monster at ease b.c it WILL surface eventually. Besidez, if she lovez him and is mature, she will respect his openess, willingness to work out issues, and his honesty...these are great qualitiez that are hard to come by. I hope she welcomez these qualitiez and ne constructive critisizm...we cant conduct our livez shabbily and get off w.o consequence. This is a consequence. Maybe she needz one in order to get her head in the game. But no sense in him holdin back now, better than when ur married. It was her actions and she should be accountable for them. That meanz acknowledging her b.f's feelingz about that and doing all she can to start a new page w. him if he is who she respects and is committed to.

 

Otherz may be too liberal minded to agree with me...maybe feeling a need to defend her actionz for fear of being a *hypocrite* but i for one kno that i am NOT "insecure". I AM just THAT secure that i kno someone special is deserving of all this candy and i dont have to give it away to ne 1 who accepts ne thing that will hold still long enuff to gitRdun. I kno how he is feelin,: its gettin the ****ty end of the stick - and the ppl who **** on it seem to think he should be ok with that. He should never be told to stuff his feelingz. And personally, i think thats the worst advice EVER. hj2009, i dont even kno u and i have more respect 4 u than this so plz have more than that 4 urself, and DONT sweep ur concernz under the carpet b.c they too are valuable. aghh that makez me madd i tell u wat.

So someone you've never met before is supposed to "save herself"....for you...someone she's never met? OK.

 

The OP is the one that has a problem with his gf's past; other posters have commented that maybe she made "mistakes," but honestly, we don't know that the gf feels like she had problems or made mistakes, in which case she doesn't need to "grow up" and own up to them or whatever it was you said.

[My.Heroine]

So someone you've never met before is supposed to "save herself"....for you...someone she's never met? OK.

 

The OP is the one that has a problem with his gf's past; other posters have commented that maybe she made "mistakes," but honestly, we don't know that the gf feels like she had problems or made mistakes, in which case she doesn't need to "grow up" and own up to them or whatever it was you said.

 

Well if thats not a regret i certainly hope its nothing she's proud of and if this is something she does not regret, thennnn hj2009 really DOEZ deserve better. But yes she must own up to it. We cannot change wat we do not acknowlege. And for her b.f its his negative feelingz towardz actions she's responsible for. And if she simply cannot handle hearing about these thingz then i guess id alwayz shut my mouth to her; id be a lil aprehensive she might just hop back on the trusty cycle the second the goin getz tuff. Thats whent its time to grow up, b.c only little children have not yet developed the ability to link a consequence with their actions..or learn from them. And this is when u draw the line, call a spade a spade, and stop making excuses. No disrespect to u, btw .

[lora22]

Well if thats not a regret i certainly hope its nothing she's proud of and if this is something she does not regret, thennnn hj2009 really DOEZ deserve better. But yes she must own up to it. We cannot change wat we do not acknowlege. And for her b.f its his negative feelingz towardz actions she's responsible for. And if she simply cannot handle hearing about these thingz then i guess id alwayz shut my mouth to her; id be a lil aprehensive she might just hop back on the trusty cycle the second the goin getz tuff. Thats whent its time to grow up, b.c only little children have not yet developed the ability to link a consequence with their actions..or learn from them. And this is when u draw the line, call a spade a spade, and stop making excuses. No disrespect to u, btw .

But by saying that you hope it's not something she's proud of (and I'm only continuing this since the OP seems to feel the same way you do), that's your judgment of her. And you certainly don't have to accept her actions, but from the limited amount of information we have about this situation and the people involved I don't think it's fair or right to say that her actions before she met her bf should have consequences for her now. If it involved cheating or STDs or something along those lines, that's different. Yes, she is responsible for her actions, or she should be, but just because her bf doesn't like that she's had sex before him (whatever her reasons) doesn't mean that she did in fact do anything wrong, or anything that he has a right to be mad about or be upset about.

 

And you can disagree with me all you want and however you want, doesn't bother me. It's your right.

[carhill]

OP, some observations from my perspective, mindful that I share some of your philosophy and, if you read my journals, am much more conservative about sex than both you and your GF.

 

1. You're young. Both of you. You're both discovering what is right for *you*. Those answers may be different for each of you. They likely will be.

 

2. Today is now. Yesterday is gone, never to be re-visited. Tomorrow is not yet here. MC taught me a bunch of things, but the biggest one was acceptance. Accept what is gone (the past) and focus on today. Don't worry about tomorrow. It will arrive soon enough How does she treat you today, in words and actions? Are they healthy? Are they consistent? Are they loving? Go with that.

 

3. Do you trust her? Do you trust women in general? This is very important. Lack of trust will poison any relationship. Look within yourself. What is your intrinsic trust setpoint? Does she trust you? Are you on the same page?

 

4. Sexual compatibility. You've shared some differences in philosophy, based on her past behavior, compared to your own. Accepting that, how do you feel about your intimacy patterns? Do you feel in sync? Open? Honest? On the same page?

 

Well, process all that and good luck

[samspade]

Isn't the nature/context of the sexual relationship what bothers you about cheating though? The fact that he did it while in another relationship?

 

It's the nature/context of the sexual relationship that is bothering me here. Obviously there are major differences, but I don't think you can completely separate a relationship issue from a sex issue.

 

You are muddying the waters a little bit. Cheating involves deception and betrayal. A one night stand or a booty call does not involve those things if both parties are on the same page.

 

If a woman is single and wants to have sex, without having to go through the motions of a relationship, do you consider it a character flaw to do so? We are talking about a primal desire that can be acted upon and enjoyed by two strangers as easily as two loving partners.

 

Now, I'll grant you that a major pattern of many ONS with no meaningful relationships in between might be indicative of psychological or emotional problems. But based on what you've told us, your GF's past sounds fairly standard. In fact, booty calls with exes are even less of a big deal than a one night stand with a stranger, because she was going back to someone she already trusted and was familiar with.

 

My personal opinion is that her experience makes you uncomfortable because she has more varied experience than you. Again, I think you should go out and date around.

 

I know a girl who has been with her BF for a few years. She is the only woman he's been with (they're young). However, SHE has been with a few partners. She lost her virginity at a much younger age than he did. In fact, she's fooled around on him, but he's still with her despite knowing this. He tried breaking up with her but he can't. Why? My theory is that he is afraid to exchange steady sex with one woman for the risk of a dry period as a single guy, even though he's said he'd like to date and sleep with other women. I also believe that her experience drives him up a wall and he resents her for it. But he won't leave her, and she hasn't left him because he's giving her all of the boyfriend benefits while allowing her to walk all over him.

 

The point of this example is that even this guy, who has every reason to walk out on his woman and embark on new experiences, is unwilling to give up the steady flow of p***y and/or the image of himself as a guy with a GF. He's watching the weeks, months and years pass by with his odometer stuck on 1. He's let her up her own total during this time without consequence! I'm not saying you're in the same boat, but I'm trying to illustrate how a man can get tied down to one woman, even if part of him wants to break away, because he is terrified of giving up the nookie.

 

And I'll just add that carhill offered some great points for you to consider.

[TheBigQuestion]

No one was "hostile" when they advised the OP of their opinions. I can only speak for myself, but I would be willing to bet that most people who responded don't have "issues" with their sexual backgrounds. It seems like common sense to me.

 

Loving someone is about ACCEPTANCE, not judgment.

 

OP, I'm sorry that there is such a huge discrepancy between your girlfriend's actions prior to dating you and your apparent moral and philosophical stance. I honestly hope that your issue, or the issue of some of these other posters doesn't stem from a double standard that men often hold about situations like this, or that this isn't some type of Madonna/whore complex, which is the first thing I thought of when I read the last two posts. Or maybe they're just insecure. Doesn't really matter.

 

Anyways, bottom line, you need to move on or break up; IMO it's not a good idea to bring this up to your gf, it will only cause more problems. If you break up with her, you might consider digging up sexual history before you get involved with a girl, since this seems to be an issue for you.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

I agree love is about acceptance, but you can't deny that a lot of judgment goes in loving relationships too. I've been in relationships before, and been on the giving and receiving ends of such judgment, so you cant fool me.

[manugeorge]

OP, correct me if I'm wrong but it seems to me that your problem here is not so much the fact that your girlfriend slept around all willy nilly before she met you, it's the fact that she condones sleeping around all willy nilly when she's all broken up inside.

 

For people that dismisively say the past is the past. You can only apply that statement when the girl in question is a "reformed slut", that is someone who made sexual mistakes when they were confused but has now realized the errors of their ways and will not go that route again after a break up.

 

The girlfriend in question here doesn't think she did anything wrong by sleeping around, she encourages her girlfriends to go out and get laid after a break up. This is someone who doesn't think that kind of behavior is reprehensible. Right or wrong, she is entitled to her beliefs.

 

It is not about her past actions but her attitude in general and her approach to life. It seems if given the chance, she would repeat the same actions because she doesn't think it is a big deal. While the OP thinks it is.

 

OP and his girlfriend are incompatible in this instance and should either address that or break up. This is not an issue of retroactive jealousy that can be easily cured by realizing that the past is the past. This is an issue of mismatched values. His girlfriend doesn't is not discriminating about her number of sex partners, he, on the other hand is.

 

I have run into an issue like this before in my life. Back in the day when I believed "if it feels good, just do it", I was dating someone who was more conservative about sex than I was. I wasn't going to apologize for my beliefs so we had to break up.

[moman]

It's rational that you are wondering whether you should trust her or even respect her because it's clear that she deals with heartbreaks and headaches by giving herself, something that should be special, to random dudes. I would have a hard time respecting someone for that too. I don't feel that you are out of line in your thoughts, but only you can decide whether her good benefits and actions towards you outweigh an immature streak she had in her past.

[hj2009]

But by saying that you hope it's not something she's proud of (and I'm only continuing this since the OP seems to feel the same way you do), that's your judgment of her. And you certainly don't have to accept her actions, but from the limited amount of information we have about this situation and the people involved I don't think it's fair or right to say that her actions before she met her bf should have consequences for her now. If it involved cheating or STDs or something along those lines, that's different. Yes, she is responsible for her actions, or she should be, but just because her bf doesn't like that she's had sex before him (whatever her reasons) doesn't mean that she did in fact do anything wrong, or anything that he has a right to be mad about or be upset about.

 

And you can disagree with me all you want and however you want, doesn't bother me. It's your right.

 

Yeah, I agree with you Lora... I'm not really thinking of this as a right/wrong thing.

 

I'm more trying to figure out who she is and if that's what I want.

[hj2009]

OP, some observations from my perspective, mindful that I share some of your philosophy and, if you read my journals, am much more conservative about sex than both you and your GF.

 

1. You're young. Both of you. You're both discovering what is right for *you*. Those answers may be different for each of you. They likely will be.

 

2. Today is now. Yesterday is gone, never to be re-visited. Tomorrow is not yet here. MC taught me a bunch of things, but the biggest one was acceptance. Accept what is gone (the past) and focus on today. Don't worry about tomorrow. It will arrive soon enough How does she treat you today, in words and actions? Are they healthy? Are they consistent? Are they loving? Go with that.

 

3. Do you trust her? Do you trust women in general? This is very important. Lack of trust will poison any relationship. Look within yourself. What is your intrinsic trust setpoint? Does she trust you? Are you on the same page?

 

4. Sexual compatibility. You've shared some differences in philosophy, based on her past behavior, compared to your own. Accepting that, how do you feel about your intimacy patterns? Do you feel in sync? Open? Honest? On the same page?

 

Well, process all that and good luck

 

1. Yeah, I think sometimes I lose sight of this and expect too much.

2. She treats me so, so well today.

3. I trust her more than anybody, and I have a very high degree of trust in people in general - yes. She trusts me at least as much as I trust her, so yes, I believe we are on the same page.

4. This has been problematic for me. I have given a lot of thought to whether or not sex is "special" in the past few months. Before I dated my girlfriend, my answer would have been a resounding no. But the sex I have with her feels so special. I think I have come to realize that sex can be both special and not special, depending on the person.

[hj2009]

If a woman is single and wants to have sex, without having to go through the motions of a relationship, do you consider it a character flaw to do so? We are talking about a primal desire that can be acted upon and enjoyed by two strangers as easily as two loving partners.

 

No, I do not. I have done this as well.

 

My personal opinion is that her experience makes you uncomfortable because she has more varied experience than you. Again, I think you should go out and date around.

 

I don't completely disagree with you. From a far-away perspective, I can see how that may be the best thing for me. But my girlfriend is not somebody I just sort of fell into a relationship with. I chose her because I know many of the traits that I want in a LTR, and she has them.

 

In fact, she's fooled around on him, but he's still with her despite knowing this. He tried breaking up with her but he can't. Why? My theory is that he is afraid to exchange steady sex with one woman for the risk of a dry period as a single guy, even though he's said he'd like to date and sleep with other women. I also believe that her experience drives him up a wall and he resents her for it. But he won't leave her, and she hasn't left him because he's giving her all of the boyfriend benefits while allowing her to walk all over him.

 

My girlfriend does not walk all over me and the minute she does it will be over. I'm not afraid of losing sex. I know that I am a highly attractive and desirable person and, to be frank, I would have no problem getting more girlfriends quickly.

 

I also do not resent my girlfriend. I do understand your point, though. It's just not applicable to me.

[blaken]

But the sex I have with her feels so special.

 

Not trying to be a smartass but I can't help thinking that her "past life" did bring something positive into your sex life.

[sally4sara]

I love my car. It has been the best car I've ever driven; the handling is incredible! I have happily driven my car for 16 months of a 24 month lease with option to buy at anytime. The problem is I just realized that other drivers road tested my car before I drove it home. I hate thinking that other drivers got a taste of my car's amazing handling and took a pass on the leasing. I liked thinking the car's performance had SOMETHING to do with how special I drove it, but now....I just don't know. I mean, I realize the car was engineered to be driven, but....now that I've had the car for 16 months it isn't as shiny as it was when it was new. The new smell is all but completely faded. I'm wondering, in light of this new realization, could I do better with a newer model?

 

Damn! I just don't know! Its a good thing my problem is with a car and not a person who has given me their love and courtesy for 16 months just for me to call it all in question over situations I didn't experience myself and therefore, don't know how I would handle them. I might have to think about how my judgments and actions are indications of my own character. I might have to realize I'm quite capable of turning on someone I professed my love for and face that I'm just a selfish flake who doesn't know a good thing when I get it!

[carhill]

You're embarking on a journey to a deeper part of yourself. You have reservations and fears.

 

Share those with her. Share how you feel, not make observations of her behavior.

 

"Making love with you feels so special. More special than I ever have felt before. My fear is xxxx (fill that in)"

 

Identify your attraction pattern. Did the sex become special because of the intimacy or did the intimacy develop as a result of the sex and the sex became special later? Understanding how you bond with someone helps you understand compatibility and allows you to more easily communicate your joys and fears about such a process.

 

Sit on this a month and see how it goes. Examine how you feel. Get back to us as appropriate