hj2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I love my girlfriend. She is incredible and treats me better than anybody I have ever met. We have been together for 16 months, and are now living together. We are both 23 years old. Recently, I found out about her sexual past and I am having a terribly difficult time dealing with it. --- She dated her high school boyfriend for 2 years, and they broke up during freshman year of college. Pretty standard. Shortly after they broke up, my girlfriend found out that her ex was having sex with somebody else, and I think this had a large effect on her, since she had not yet gotten over the breakup. At this point, she "decided to be single and have fun for a while"... ie have meaningless sex with people. She did this for about 9 months it seems like - I would guess she hooked up with 3-5 guys during this time. She says that she did beat herself up over this, but she has also defended it to me, so I think she may feel ambivalent. She then decided to start dating again, and dated a guy who was a total d-bag for about 6 months before she went to study abroad. Upon returning to the US, she started dating another guy, her longtime friend. This relationship lasted about a year. They went months at a time without having sex and were not a very physical couple. They broke up about a month and a half before I started dating her. Within a week of breaking up with this guy, she contacted at least a couple of the guys that she used to hook up with (she also started contacting me at this time), and she had sex with one of them. She then decided not to do that anymore. --- The fact that she has had other boyfriends before me does not bother me at all. The fact that she had meaningless hookups with a bunch of people does bother me some. The last hookup she had is what bothers me the most. It's the nature of the sex that bothers me, not the fact that she was having sex. Say what you will, but the last hookup is pretty much the definition of a booty call. I hate to say it, but I think it's a little slutty. I have also seen her encourage another one of her friends to have sex shortly after breaking up with somebody as a way to "gain perspective" and get over the previous boyfriend. I think that going out of your way to have sex in order to get over somebody degrades yourself, and makes you easy. I'm also concerned with the fact that she would hook up with somebody that she used to hook up with before she dated the last two guys she dated. Did she maintain contact with this guy while dating her other boyfriends? Something about that seems wrong to me, though I'm not exactly sure what. It makes me feel bad for ex boyfriend. It also makes me wonder if she was using me for the same purpose, at least to start. Most of the advice that I have been given about this is something along the lines of "just get over it" or "the past is the past" or "women should not have to hide their sexuality". Look, I don't think women should be ashamed of their sexuality. Far from it. But the fact is that in our society, sleeping around is thought of negatively. In my mind, it's a question of selectivity. If a girl is willing to have sex with lots of guys for fun or in order to get over somebody else, then she is not being very selective. What hurts me is that, had I known this about my girlfriend before we started dating, I know that I would not have dated her. I am a very confident person and am very selective with the girls that I choose to be with. I don't want to be with somebody who uses sex as a means to solve her problems. That being said, I love my girlfriend more than anything, and I really do want to understand her thoughts and feelings about why she decided to do this. I desperately want to get over this so I can just love her without thinking about it, but I am finding it very hard. Thoughts?
bean1 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 The past IS the past and if you can't accept it, you have to move on. It happened and that is the one thing you cannot change. People make a lot of mistakes when they are young, whether it be drugs, drinking, sex, being jerks, vandalism, etc. to cope with issues because they are immature. People can and do change. Part of getting older is learning from your mistakes and learning to deal with your issues in a better way. I am now 25 and I am nowhere near the same girl that I was at 19 (and yes, I have your girlfriend's past).
kizik Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 You shouldn't have asked about her sexual past if you can't handle it. It's none of your business, anyway, what she did before she met you. If you can't handle the fact that she slept with other guys, let her go so that someone else with a REALISTIC view on relationships can scoop her up. Because right now, you're blowing something way out of proportion that has nothing to do with you. I think you should get over yourself; you're not the only guy on the planet! If you can't, do her a favor and let her go.
kizik Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Also, I think perhaps you have a point about her use of sex to get over people, etc., and this may well be the case... but staying in a relationship with her while JUDGING her is very unfair of you. I think you need to end this and get your head on straight.
lora22 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Recently, I found out about her sexual past and I am having a terribly difficult time dealing with it. When I saw this I thought, Hm, another guy who made the mistake of asking his gf a question that is none of his business, she made the mistake of telling him, and now he's struggling with the fact that she's had sex with guys before him. Then I got to the end and thought, yup. Sorry, but your reasons for not being OK with it doesn't change anything. It's still in the past and it's still not any of your business. The only thing from her sexual past that I can think of that would be relevant is if she had herpes or something, and I still wouldn't think that the details were your business. Bean and kzik pretty much said it all, but I still had to throw in with them.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I am not one who takes sex lightly at all, so I understand your concern, but consider that your girlfriend's approach to sex is (what you see as) the negative side of one of her positive qualities -- which is probably something like getting on with life in spite of problems and setbacks. NO ONE is perfect. You might find a girl with a sterling sexual past who doesn't have some of your girlfriend's positive qualities. I love my girlfriend. She is incredible and treats me better than anybody I have ever met. Focus on this.
samspade Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 She dated a few different guys over a 9 month period, she made a few booty calls to exes to help her get over breakups, and dated some losers before she met you. Big deal. This is fairly standard. In fact, I'd bet that your girlfriend is telling you a fraction of what really happened. You might as well assume as much. This is why you don't dig up your girl's past. You're not going to like what you find. Now it's making you insecure that you're being used for sex. You've been together for sixteen months, dude - she probably actually likes you. When you start accusing your girlfriend of "using sex to solve her problems," having "meaningless sex," and other nonsense, you are showing just how insecure you are. This may come as a shock to you, but women find sex fun just like men do, and they don't always want to be in a long term relationship to have it. Sometimes, they just want to f---. When you date a girl, you have to accept that she was riding other hard cocks before yours, and will ride others after you break up. Don't bother delving into details or asking how many. If you're truly at odds with this, from a philosophical standpoint, maybe you need to find someone who shares your values. If you are insecure because she's had more guys than you've had girls, maybe a girlfriend isn't what you need - maybe you need to date around. You say you're very confident, but you don't sound it...far from it. You either need to get past this or it will eat you alive.
Citizen Erased Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 You're judging her on something that had nothing to do with you at the time. What is she going to do? Turn back the clock and save herself for you? Come on...you saying what she did before you were even together is a little slutty is not okay. Are you just looking for something to find wrong?
mr.dream merchant Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 If you think she was a ho before she met you and that your opinion of her is just then leave her. You're going to get mixed answers. I disagree with the majority of posters but for different reasons. If you were a single guy and were considering messing around with her my answer with be similar to their's, get over it. And I already know how you're feeling, that something that was soo good for you is now hard to view in the same way, right? Lol, I'm telling you right now, and I mean right now, leave her. Its hit or miss with these chicks, any chick really, but these types catch alot of flak only because their out in the open about it. My first GF was actually like this. She made me feel great, like a man, full of confidence. I walked with a different kind of swagger. She was your grade A slut. I mean, football team ran through her, my friend and 2 of his homeboys ran through her, 2 guys ran through her in the middle of us getting together. I still put it past her and thought she'd settle down when we got together. Nope. The next GF was the same way. Nope. Third same. Nope. Sometimes easy girls aren't always the best GF's because they aren't ready to settle down. That's the only reason why Hoes are negatively labeled. They're the female heart-breaker. As are the players for the male gender. Both are labeled negatively. But its not only Hoes that you need to be watching out for, anyone and everyone could cheat on you. You could convert a nun to dick and give it 6 months she'll probably cheat on you for some pussy. Its a crazy world. I think I'm just rambling but my point is, I understand exactly what you're feeling. I'm the same way, not so much anymore but at first I was with my GF. But it was only about her wanting one guy. That's how insecure I became after investing deeply within her my feelings, and also the result of me putting angelic wings and a halo on her. She's human. Your GF's human. But everyone has different standards. Obviously yours and hers don't mix. And if your relationship can't go well there, it never will go well. I think your right. And I think she's right. She was single. Its only a problem because she's your shorty. The only other chick you hold closest to your heart besides your mother. Think about how devastated you'd be if you found out your mother got around alot. Lmao. Its close to the same concept, you don't want to think of that special someone in that light. That's why its bothering the OP. I'm sure if he was just her FWB or a friend it'd be a totally different scenario. In my opinion, leave her. For your own benefit. You really don't need to deal with that kind of baggage if you don't have to. She sounds like she might possibly gravitate to other nearby attractive males in times of arousal. She's more apt to cheat because of her evident and frequent sex life, ideally that makes sense, because she enjoys lots of sex with various guys. But realistically it isn't always the case, I've seen some hoe ass chicks settle down for the greater good. Lmao.
Author hj2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 The past IS the past and if you can't accept it, you have to move on. It happened and that is the one thing you cannot change. People make a lot of mistakes when they are young, whether it be drugs, drinking, sex, being jerks, vandalism, etc. to cope with issues because they are immature. People can and do change. Part of getting older is learning from your mistakes and learning to deal with your issues in a better way. I am now 25 and I am nowhere near the same girl that I was at 19 (and yes, I have your girlfriend's past). I am going to respond to all posts. I really appreciate the feedback. My girlfriend doesn't really make too many of the above mistakes. Her maturity is one of the things i really love about her. I wonder whether or not I should ask her about whether or not she considers it a "mistake".
kizik Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 ^ Don't respond to all of us. We're all saying the same thing that Ruby said.
lora22 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I wonder whether or not I should ask her about whether or not she considers it a "mistake". NO. That sounds like an awesome way to get dumped.
Author hj2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 You shouldn't have asked about her sexual past if you can't handle it. It's none of your business, anyway, what she did before she met you. If you can't handle the fact that she slept with other guys, let her go so that someone else with a REALISTIC view on relationships can scoop her up. I asked because she kept alluding to it and it was driving me crazy. I was even more mentally disturbed when i did not know. I sort of disagree with it not being my business, but only to a point. Before I asked her about it, I said very specifically that she did not have to answer any question she did not want to. What if I found out she had lots of really serious problems in past relationships, like STDs? Would that not be my business? I think people's actions are an indicator of future action as well.
Author hj2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Also, I think perhaps you have a point about her use of sex to get over people, etc., and this may well be the case... but staying in a relationship with her while JUDGING her is very unfair of you. I think you need to end this and get your head on straight. Oh come on, people in relationships judge each other on everything. The way your partner snores, the way they eat, their habits, their friends, everything. I'm not outwardly judging her.
kizik Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Don't. Respond. To All of Us. You Will Waste. Your Time.
Author hj2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 When I saw this I thought, Hm, another guy who made the mistake of asking his gf a question that is none of his business, she made the mistake of telling him, and now he's struggling with the fact that she's had sex with guys before him. Then I got to the end and thought, yup. Sorry, but your reasons for not being OK with it doesn't change anything. It's still in the past and it's still not any of your business. The only thing from her sexual past that I can think of that would be relevant is if she had herpes or something, and I still wouldn't think that the details were your business. Bean and kzik pretty much said it all, but I still had to throw in with them. So sexual past is completely off limits? What if you found out your boyfriend had sex with 300 women? What if you found out that he was into something you find inappropriate in bed?
Author hj2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 I am not one who takes sex lightly at all, so I understand your concern, but consider that your girlfriend's approach to sex is (what you see as) the negative side of one of her positive qualities -- which is probably something like getting on with life in spite of problems and setbacks. NO ONE is perfect. You might find a girl with a sterling sexual past who doesn't have some of your girlfriend's positive qualities. Focus on this. That's why I'm here - trying to get this out of my head so I can focus on that.
boldjack Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 2009, You say that this woman is great and treats you good. Lets look at some of her other good qualities. She has been in this relationship for 16 months, so she obviously likes you and is happy with the sex. She has told you everything you have asked of her, this shows that she has character and integrity. Even her sexual past has it's positive aspects, it shows that she can adapt to new situations and think in a positive manner. She understands your concerns, this shows maturity. So....what did you say was wrong with this girl again?
Author hj2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 When you date a girl, you have to accept that she was riding other hard cocks before yours, and will ride others after you break up. Don't bother delving into details or asking how many. If you're truly at odds with this, from a philosophical standpoint, maybe you need to find someone who shares your values. If you are insecure because she's had more guys than you've had girls, maybe a girlfriend isn't what you need - maybe you need to date around. You say you're very confident, but you don't sound it...far from it. You either need to get past this or it will eat you alive. I did not have any problem at all when I knew she had previous boyfriends that were having sex with her. Like I said, it's not that she has a past that bothers me, it's the nature of her sexual past. Would you date a girl that has slept with 200 guys? I know some guys would. I'm not that guy, at least not yet. I have given thought to the idea that I might need to date around for a while, but I love my girlfriend, and she loves me. It would absolutely crush her if I left her, and I don't see how that is fair to her at all (unless I truly can't get over this).
bean1 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Accept her for who she is now or let her go to find someone who accepts her past. Do not ask her if it was a "mistake" - people do a lot of things in life that, in hindsight, they should not have done, but it is those things that we learn from. One thing is for sure, you may not have to break up with her because she will break up with you if you make her feel ashamed of her past. What will make you happy? Her saying that her "slut" past is a mistake and that she has seen the light?
lora22 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 So sexual past is completely off limits? What if you found out your boyfriend had sex with 300 women? What if you found out that he was into something you find inappropriate in bed? His "number" doesn't matter, as long as I'm the only one while we're dating. However, I also don't ask for "numbers." It's none of my business, and nothing good could possibly come from knowing that information. Define "inappropriate." As long as it's not illegal, he wants to include me, and he doesn't pressure me or cross my boundaries, so what? Besides that, finding out what turns him on, what he's into, etc. is half the fun of hooking up with a bf. I'm sure it would come out eventually, in the natural course of things. I can't imagine grilling someone about that - geez you are really uptight about sex. "Serious problems" and STDs are NOT your business unless it directly affects YOU, such as if she had herpes.
Author hj2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 You're judging her on something that had nothing to do with you at the time. What is she going to do? Turn back the clock and save herself for you? Come on...you saying what she did before you were even together is a little slutty is not okay. Are you just looking for something to find wrong? No - I obviously realize that she can not change what she did. Does that mean that I have to accept it?
Author hj2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 And I already know how you're feeling, that something that was soo good for you is now hard to view in the same way, right? Lol, I'm telling you right now, and I mean right now, leave her. Its only a problem because she's your shorty. The only other chick you hold closest to your heart besides your mother. Think about how devastated you'd be if you found out your mother got around alot. Lmao. Its close to the same concept, you don't want to think of that special someone in that light. That's why its bothering the OP. I'm sure if he was just her FWB or a friend it'd be a totally different scenario. In my opinion, leave her. For your own benefit. You really don't need to deal with that kind of baggage if you don't have to. She sounds like she might possibly gravitate to other nearby attractive males in times of arousal. She's more apt to cheat because of her evident and frequent sex life, ideally that makes sense, because she enjoys lots of sex with various guys. But realistically it isn't always the case, I've seen some hoe ass chicks settle down for the greater good. Lmao. Yep - that is definitely how I feel. It's hard for me to learn this about somebody I consider so special. I disagree with the tone of your post though and I do not think that the past = the future. I treat her very well and know how to please her. I am not worried about her cheating on me.
Author hj2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 2009, You say that this woman is great and treats you good. Lets look at some of her other good qualities. She has been in this relationship for 16 months, so she obviously likes you and is happy with the sex. She has told you everything you have asked of her, this shows that she has character and integrity. Even her sexual past has it's positive aspects, it shows that she can adapt to new situations and think in a positive manner. She understands your concerns, this shows maturity. So....what did you say was wrong with this girl again? You are good, sir. This has been my mental tactic every time I start thinking about it... I just start thinking of everything that is so great about her. But it is tough to not start thinking about it again...
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