TheBigCow Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I know quite a few of the people here are going through the process of losing their 'first love' (myself included). I'm at a stage where I feel like I may love again but it will never have the same magical quality, especially since we essentially grew into adults together. I know this is something that a lot of people face in their lives and I was hoping for the benefit of us facing it now that people who has been through this could let us know what lies at the end of the tunnel. Do you ever stop really caring for/loving that person? Are subsequent loves ever the same, better or just maybe just not really comparable? I can't help but feel that she's still 'the one' and that somehow eventually we'll wind up together.. I hope so at least.
Soul Bear Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 DUDE! You took the words right out of mouth....this is exactly how I feel/situation etc... It sucks. I have a bit of a theory tho- If the ex leaves happy, the doubts will come later, thus a better chance of a return. If the ex leaves sad, she will become happy, thus having less chance of coming back...... There I go again, giving myself false hope. Gotta stop that
wow123 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Soul Bear, No matter how things ended we all give ourselves false hope. Don't beat yourself up about that. We love them and "think" they feel the same about us even though their actions "dumping us" clearly should tell us differently.
Soul Bear Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 your right, i dont know what has got into me today. I have been doing so well recently in excepting it all. That email earlier from her and from her mum has really pissed me off. Put me in a funny space. I shouldnt be dishing out false hope, its very unfair to all of you, and myself. Sorry guys...
Thornton Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I spent many years pining for my first love and thinking that other guys didn't match up to him. I never met anyone else for whom I had the same feelings as I had for him. Eventually, eleven years after we broke up we miraculously got back together, and I was ecstatic. But it took only a couple of weeks for the doubts to start creeping in... the problem was that I loved him when I was a teenager, but as a mature woman I saw him VERY differently. I used to think it was cute that he was so confident, but I could now see that he was just full of himself and had an over-inflated ego. I used to think it was sweet that he found me so attractive, but I could now see that his focus on physical attraction meant he didn't think so much about me as a person. As a teenager I thought he was a real man who smoked and drank, but as a mature woman I could see that he drank far too much and didn't exercise or take care of himself. To cut a long story short, after having pined for him for eleven years I dumped him only four weeks after getting back together, and I have no regrets. I still think of him as my first love; we became adults together, had a lot of "firsts" together, and I still think fondly of him. For me, subsequent loves were not the same, partly because I was hung up on my ex and partly because I simply hadn't met anyone else who pushed my buttons in that way. I think subconsciously I didn't really care who I was dating because I always felt like I was just killing time waiting for my ex to come back, so I never dated anyone I was really into, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy that I never loved anyone except him. It was only after we got back together and I saw him through new eyes that I was able to finally get over him and move on, and have real feelings for someone else. I don't feel the same way about my current bf as I did about my first love, but in a good way - there's none of the drama and stress, I never wonder if our relationship will last or if my bf will ever leave me, we have a much more mature and mutually supportive relationship than I had with my first love. I also think I've learned how to be a better partner and how to handle a relationship, something I wasn't good at with my first love due to lack of experience. My first love was my "boyfriend" and it was all so exciting, whereas my current bf is my best friend and we also do couple-y things, but I know if something seriously bad happened my bf would be there to support me as my friend... so we have a much more mature, stable and lasting relationship than I did with my first love.
Author TheBigCow Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 @soulbear I know that situation, ive been in and out of 'accepting' it. Some days I feel like my path is forward and even though the past hurts, I'm ready to let go. Other days I'm considering plans to win her back (like my other post a couple of days ago ). TBH, although false hope is dangerous.. sometimes you need something to get through the day :-\ @Thornton I'm glad to hear a happy story once in a while on LS I think what you experienced when your ex came back would probably happen to a lot of people here who are pining for their ex. It is easy to overlook the negatives because those aren't the things you remember, miss and dwell on. And of course as you say as you grow up and go through experiences such as this your world view changes and what you find attractive and important does too. I really wish I (and you guys) didn't have to go through this process of losing such a huge part of your life, I feel like in some ways friends who never had a serious relationship at this age are lucky because they grew up alone and so no one can ever take that away from them. This really makes me want to keep my ex in my life.. as a friend at least if it can't be more, I feel like in a way we'll always have something of one anothers... problem is, no guarantee she feels the same way.
kizik Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Do you ever stop really caring for/loving that person? YES. I'm a year out from a breakup from one of my first "loves" - not sure how legitimate that love was, considering the fact that she threw me away like a f*ckin' banana peel - and I could care less about her, and I certainly don't love her. But then again, I got dumped, which makes anger so blissfully easy.
drummerprince81 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Big Cow - TBH, although false hope is dangerous.. sometimes you need something to get through the day :-\ What do you mean by this? That you need to do something that involves contacting your ex? Or something else to pass the time so that you don't contact your ex? For me sometimes, it seems like such a good moment to reach out and attempt to win them back and then the day goes and I wake up regretting losing the bottle. Like last night...after she contacted me recently I felt it was a good moment to call her. I didn't...it is probably for the best. And then today, I do not feel like it would be right at all. Is that intuition or what? I dunno... I think the only we can stay in their lives is by being friends but it is such a risk and depending on how the situation is, your self-respect is at stake. Most people don't want to be, or can't be. I guess those who swear by NC and anger don't want to be friends with their ex's and that is most people who have been dumped, and that is fine but I have zero anger. I say - don't look back in anger. BUT of course, anger helps so many people get over it. I'll never be angry with my ex. She was my first love, and nothing will ever be as magical, and yeah, she has treated like dirt post-break up but that is mostly my fault for allowing her to.
Author TheBigCow Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 What do you mean by this? All I meant was that there are some nights when you are sitting alone and you really feel like you have no one to reach out to and you feel like your on the brink of insanity.. using a little false hope to get through - maybe just thinking about something you could do to impress her ect - seems okay. Having said that, those kind of thoughts should be avoided otherwise. The longer you allow them to linger the longer it will take you to accept what is really happening.
openbook08 Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I spent many years pining for my first love and thinking that other guys didn't match up to him. I never met anyone else for whom I had the same feelings as I had for him. Eventually, eleven years after we broke up we miraculously got back together, and I was ecstatic. But it took only a couple of weeks for the doubts to start creeping in... the problem was that I loved him when I was a teenager, but as a mature woman I saw him VERY differently. I used to think it was cute that he was so confident, but I could now see that he was just full of himself and had an over-inflated ego. I used to think it was sweet that he found me so attractive, but I could now see that his focus on physical attraction meant he didn't think so much about me as a person. As a teenager I thought he was a real man who smoked and drank, but as a mature woman I could see that he drank far too much and didn't exercise or take care of himself. To cut a long story short, after having pined for him for eleven years I dumped him only four weeks after getting back together, and I have no regrets. I still think of him as my first love; we became adults together, had a lot of "firsts" together, and I still think fondly of him. For me, subsequent loves were not the same, partly because I was hung up on my ex and partly because I simply hadn't met anyone else who pushed my buttons in that way. I think subconsciously I didn't really care who I was dating because I always felt like I was just killing time waiting for my ex to come back, so I never dated anyone I was really into, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy that I never loved anyone except him. It was only after we got back together and I saw him through new eyes that I was able to finally get over him and move on, and have real feelings for someone else. I don't feel the same way about my current bf as I did about my first love, but in a good way - there's none of the drama and stress, I never wonder if our relationship will last or if my bf will ever leave me, we have a much more mature and mutually supportive relationship than I had with my first love. I also think I've learned how to be a better partner and how to handle a relationship, something I wasn't good at with my first love due to lack of experience. My first love was my "boyfriend" and it was all so exciting, whereas my current bf is my best friend and we also do couple-y things, but I know if something seriously bad happened my bf would be there to support me as my friend... so we have a much more mature, stable and lasting relationship than I did with my first love. i needed to hear a story like this, from the bottom of my heart - THANK YOU for sharing X
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I lost my first love, first kiss, first sexual partner. Its hard to lose so much through losing one person. I feel like i'll never have a situation so unique, so pure with another person. The only comfort I can give is HE chose to end it, not me, so I know I never gave up on us, he did - and as such I can't fight for something that one person chose to throw away. He and our time together was very special to me and perhaps naively, I wanted him forever. Its like he was my partner, my team, and we shared such unique experiences together. He meant a whole lot to me. And I believe I love him unconditionally, as in no matter what he does, but that doesn't mean I can be with him. Its very sad, I even think its a little tragic, but we all need to be strong. If they chose to get rid of us, there is nothing we can truly do.
Author TheBigCow Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 I relate very strongly to what you said Nikki (except all the hims are hers!). As little as weeks before my ex left me she was talking to me about how proud and happy she was that she and I had a 'pure' relationship, we had not had other sexual partners ect (I now see this as her trying to convince herself of this). And this is exactly how I felt/feel about us. Its not really about the sex to me, its about that bond and friendship you build with the first person you truly open your heart and soul to. I too feel that there is no way I will ever not love my ex - and it truly depresses me that she doesn't seem to feel this way, because it means the love I felt was not mutual. You're entirely right that them choosing to give up or 'try something new' is nothing we can do anything about and really if thats what they choose I don't want to be with her anymore but its hard not to cling onto the past, what they used to want (you). The thing I'm finding hard, is convincing myself its worth going on, just to fill my life with things that deep down I know I never wanted. I think the sad truth that its hard to admit is: The only way to really really appreciate your first love - is to lose it.
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I relate very strongly to what you said Nikki (except all the hims are hers!). As little as weeks before my ex left me she was talking to me about how proud and happy she was that she and I had a 'pure' relationship, we had not had other sexual partners ect (I now see this as her trying to convince herself of this). And this is exactly how I felt/feel about us. Its not really about the sex to me, its about that bond and friendship you build with the first person you truly open your heart and soul to. I too feel that there is no way I will ever not love my ex - and it truly depresses me that she doesn't seem to feel this way, because it means the love I felt was not mutual. You're entirely right that them choosing to give up or 'try something new' is nothing we can do anything about and really if thats what they choose I don't want to be with her anymore but its hard not to cling onto the past, what they used to want (you). The thing I'm finding hard, is convincing myself its worth going on, just to fill my life with things that deep down I know I never wanted. I think the sad truth that its hard to admit is: The only way to really really appreciate your first love - is to lose it. I find it hard too sometimes 'convincing' myself as you said that there is still a lot out there for me....overall i've been doing really well I think but there are times when I feel...all I wanted was him, I was ready to be in a relationship, happy to be in a relationship, he decided I wasn't and suddenly i'm at a place/position in my life I don't WANT to be in. The thing with relationships is that by entering one you inexplicably tie your fate to another persons. You become a team; they swim, you swim. They sink, you sink. And if one person decides to run off, they leave you stranded by yourself and you have to cope with everything alone suddenly. One thing I find hard is that I loved him so much he became part of me, seperate body but I always carried him around inside. It wasn't just my thoughts/feelings/dreams etc anymore, I always considered his thoughts/emotions etc also. So its like there were 2 voices in my mind; mine and his, and I always considered both. And now that thats gone away and I only have myself to account for, in a way its complete relief but at the same time its this immense pain at having to cut out your consideration for another person you cared truly for. Something that upsets me is at the beginning of our relationship there were times I was cruel, selfish, attention-seeking, we both did a lot of damage to each other in the early days but yet the love was pure. And I feel actual regret for the way I behaved and handled certain situations in the past and the grief of what its cost me sometimes is almost overwhelming. Though towards the end I changed and worked hard and he stopped...but its just the overwhelming sense of loss and reflecting on the small/big things you did to contribute, recognising your own flaws - thats always a very painful thing to do.
Cora Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 It's tough losing a first love especially knowing that you were not theirs. I guess that makes it easier in a way for them to move on from you. I know I will always remember him even through all the pain he has caused me. Even if it was only a one sided love. There was a moment when everything seemed completely magical and wonderful! There was a time where I believed he truly loved me too and all was well. Those are the memories I will always treasure. He was the first person I ever said "I love you" to. He is gone now and I know I can never have him back even if I wanted to. I'll never forget him but I look forward to the future and hope that I can find someone where I can experience that magical feeling with again and this time hopefully it will last a lot longer. Someday I hope he will no longer haunt my every thought and that he will instead become a distant memory that I can reflect upon from time to time and smile. Someday I hope I can look back and say "hey it was nice while it lasted." But it is no more and someday maybe I will find someone better...someone who is meant to be....someone who hopefully is meant to last. That is my dream at least. Just gotta keep looking towards the future.
Author TheBigCow Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 One thing I find hard is that I loved him so much he became part of me, seperate body but I always carried him around inside. It wasn't just my thoughts/feelings/dreams etc anymore, I always considered his thoughts/emotions etc also. So its like there were 2 voices in my mind; mine and his, and I always considered both. And now that thats gone away and I only have myself to account for, in a way its complete relief but at the same time its this immense pain at having to cut out your consideration for another person you cared truly for. I feel like I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes when me and my ex lay in bed talking, kissing or even just looking at one another, I would get this feeling - which In some ways was scary - that there was really only one person in the room. I could occasionally look at her and be really confused that there was someone else there when I felt like there was really just 'us'. So when she left, it was like you say in some ways a huge burden lifted.. but also it felt like half of me just died, her hopes and dreams that became part of me were gone. Something that upsets me is at the beginning of our relationship there were times I was cruel, selfish, attention-seeking, we both did a lot of damage to each other in the early days but yet the love was pure. And I feel actual regret for the way I behaved and handled certain situations in the past and the grief of what its cost me sometimes is almost overwhelming. Though towards the end I changed and worked hard and he stopped...but its just the overwhelming sense of loss and reflecting on the small/big things you did to contribute, recognising your own flaws - thats always a very painful thing to do. Me too. Like I've said in other threads, I have been dealing with depression for a while now and I knew that took a bearing on her and I really regret not taking more firm action back then.. but I did make a huge effort to control its impact on her later in the relationship. I find it hard too sometimes 'convincing' myself as you said that there is still a lot out there for me To be honest I've recently been feeling convinced that 'my' future doesn't exist. I feel like I had my time of happiness, I had my chance to keep it for as long as I could.. but now that its gone, I need to give back, pay my debt. I've been trying to look for volunteer work and I'm considering a change of career (study at this stage) that will gear me up for bringing happiness to less fortunate people, perhaps medicine? I really want to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons though, self reflection is important IMO.
Author TheBigCow Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 It's tough losing a first love especially knowing that you were not theirs. I guess that makes it easier in a way for them to move on from you. I know I will always remember him even through all the pain he has caused me. Even if it was only a one sided love. There was a moment when everything seemed completely magical and wonderful! There was a time where I believed he truly loved me too and all was well. Those are the memories I will always treasure. He was the first person I ever said "I love you" to. He is gone now and I know I can never have him back even if I wanted to. I'll never forget him but I look forward to the future and hope that I can find someone where I can experience that magical feeling with again and this time hopefully it will last a lot longer. Someday I hope he will no longer haunt my every thought and that he will instead become a distant memory that I can reflect upon from time to time and smile. Someday I hope I can look back and say "hey it was nice while it lasted." But it is no more and someday maybe I will find someone better...someone who is meant to be....someone who hopefully is meant to last. That is my dream at least. Just gotta keep looking towards the future. This probably sounds really stupid to you guys (and maybe its off topic).. but one thing I've noticed recently is that 'hope' and 'faith' are really important. Yet it seems popular - if not fashionable - these days to attack people who make a leap of faith in religion. I admit the two situations are different, but no one would ever attack you for having 'faith' that you will meet someone better. ..... ... Sorry, I'm just a bit bitter about the popular atheism movement. You know Cora, I don't know if this helps, but you probably were his first love. Some people have the misfortune/luck (depending on how you look at it) that their first love happens to be a deep magical unconditional love.. and some don't. You can either think that you're lucky you were able to experience that.. or unlucky that you have to face this pain, or both Edit: Sorry for the double post!!
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I feel like I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes when me and my ex lay in bed talking, kissing or even just looking at one another, I would get this feeling - which In some ways was scary - that there was really only one person in the room. I could occasionally look at her and be really confused that there was someone else there when I felt like there was really just 'us'. So when she left, it was like you say in some ways a huge burden lifted.. but also it felt like half of me just died, her hopes and dreams that became part of me were gone. Me too. Like I've said in other threads, I have been dealing with depression for a while now and I knew that took a bearing on her and I really regret not taking more firm action back then.. but I did make a huge effort to control its impact on her later in the relationship. To be honest I've recently been feeling convinced that 'my' future doesn't exist. I feel like I had my time of happiness, I had my chance to keep it for as long as I could.. but now that its gone, I need to give back, pay my debt. I've been trying to look for volunteer work and I'm considering a change of career (study at this stage) that will gear me up for bringing happiness to less fortunate people, perhaps medicine? I really want to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons though, self reflection is important IMO. Very. I've just started self-reflecting but at the moment its a really painful thing to do. I've spent the whole day crying thinking i'm a bad person for the cruel ways i've acted before. I had depression/anxiety issues and I think I took a lot of it out on him not really understanding what was happening and rather than feeling kind on myself because I was going through a hard time...I just feel a bit ashamed and like i've brought this on myself. Its hard accepting that you need to take some of the blame. Its a really, really painful thing.
Author TheBigCow Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Very. I've just started self-reflecting but at the moment its a really painful thing to do. I've spent the whole day crying thinking i'm a bad person for the cruel ways i've acted before. I had depression/anxiety issues and I think I took a lot of it out on him not really understanding what was happening and rather than feeling kind on myself because I was going through a hard time...I just feel a bit ashamed and like i've brought this on myself. Its hard accepting that you need to take some of the blame. Its a really, really painful thing. You're right its incredibly hard. I'm tempted to write "don't blame anyone", "don't punish yourself for your faults, learn from them", "feel glad that you have the will and determination to recognize and fight your mistakes"... but I'm sure you already know. Still it sounds like you're taking this on really hard (and honestly, I feel the same way) so do try and remember there are a lot of amazing things about your character... you really do sound like an incredibly sweet person (Oh, and how to you quote a specific person? Yeah okay I'm a bit stupid )
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 You're right its incredibly hard. I'm tempted to write "don't blame anyone", "don't punish yourself for your faults, learn from them", "feel glad that you have the will and determination to recognize and fight your mistakes"... but I'm sure you already know. Still it sounds like you're taking this on really hard (and honestly, I feel the same way) so do try and remember there are a lot of amazing things about your character... you really do sound like an incredibly sweet person (Oh, and how to you quote a specific person? Yeah okay I'm a bit stupid ) I'm a bit stupid to then because I don't know either! And thanks so much. I just hope I do learn alot from this and don't end up just repeating my mistakes again and again. I notice sometimes I start acting in the same way and I think, 'oh my god, will I ever learn?'. Life is just a bit old mystery I guess!
Author TheBigCow Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 I just hope I do learn alot from this and don't end up just repeating my mistakes again and again. I notice sometimes I start acting in the same way and I think, 'oh my god, will I ever learn?' Nikki! This is a good sign! People take time to change... and you can't expect to be perfect overnight.. infact, some habits you'll have to be careful about and take charge of forever.... so with that in mind.. imagine what is happening if you DON'T notice yourself doing it. Thats right, it means you've learnt nothing ! Don't be complacent, but if you're going to feel bad for what you do wrong, feel great for what you do right! I get the same thing with my parents habits that really annoy me.. all of I sudden I think "oh god I'm just like my dad!" but I always just thank my luck that I can see how I'm acting from an outside perspective. I have to say, I think a very attractive quality in people (friends and love interests) is an ability to notice themselves that they've done something wrong. An unexamined life is not worth living.
Author TheBigCow Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 I have to say that today I feel completely worthless.. Overall I was a pretty good boyfriend, my ex said she was lucky to have me and that I was an amazing guy (after she left me).. but yet she left me and without any trouble. I'm not saying to make myself look awesome, just to show that I put my best into it. Not only this but things with the new guy in her life seem pretty serious already (spending weeks living together), at first I thought it was just her shifting her feelings for me onto him.. but they're both going to huge effort for it , its long distance for them and he has to fly quite a way to see her. I really feel like everything I've done over the last five years means nothing to anyone but me.. to my ex, I'm just the guy she had around until the real show turned up. She did say sorry for hurting me.
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