david_ryan Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 HOW THE NC WORKED BEFORE: we broke up before (about 3 years ago)... that time he broke up with me after 5 years of an awesome magical (yet not perfect, what is?) relationship. it hit me like an unbelievable lightning bolt. total sucker punch. he wanted to date other people, find himself, etc. ect. --i tried everything to get back together at first (the usual pathetic pleading), and of course it totally backfired and make us move even farther apart. i thought i was going to die without him. [this forum helped me so much during that 1st breakup 3 years ago, last time i just read read read posts. this time i will post as i see that there are not many successful getting back together stories, and you know,,, who posts when here when they are happily back together? i know i didn't.] back to my story: i did what is reccommended, NC 100% for a month,,, got some texts after 3 weeks, ignored. found out he visited my work to see if i was there (thank god i wasn't). it drove him nuts. i was in a better place, but i have to admit i was thrilled at those attempts. i still stayed in NC anyway becuase whenever earlier before NC i saw or texted or spoke with him it felt like kryptonite and my weakness showed and i could tell he still didn't want me back. so back to the month of NC,,, after ignoring 100% those texts and hearing of him showing up at my work after i left (i worked at bar)... i was happy to see it was driving him nuts, but i really was in a good place by then. worked out, hung out with friends, and paid attention to my huge gigantic void hole in my heart by being good to myself. a few days after my no responses, i was waiting for a UPS package at my apt. and heard a knock on my door. It was him instead!, crying and shaking. he missed me so bad, and it was only because i proved to myself that i was fine alone by myself. i told him he had to be strong, and i was sorry he was hurting. that i loved him and if he wanted to meet for a bike ride and lunch later he should text me but that i had to leave for a freelance job. he was in so much pain he asked if he could lay down on my couch before i had to leave and i let him. i rubbed his back and was loving to him, but i knew i needed to be the strong one. after he rested i dropped him off downtown (he just wanted to ride in the car with me as i went to my freelance interview), and i did not text or call at all for another week. then after a week he called me for the date. set the date and i rode my bike up to the coffee house (i really did work out so much because it helped me get the f**k out of my depression during that mont) --and we had a great afternoon. i did not bring up anything about our relationship because that really is kryptonite when trying to salvage --I instead focused on staying present. i saw the twinkle getting back in his eyes, and somehow during the next 3 weeks we did end up getting back together. you know, i know he loved me always, but it took my confidence in knowing THAT, giving space, and being okay alone --knowing that at least i did get to experience real love from him the true gift to focus on, not the crap about him finding himself & wanting to date other people (when i thought of that stuff, i went crazy,,, so i pushed myself to re-focus!). i knew i was a catch and was being unappreciated and with someone afraid of commitment. they just don't miss you if you they know there is still a line they have you attached to. that was 3 years ago. but the total years together have been 8 years. and that was a great 3 years.... although the pattern is now happening again! SO.... YESTERDAY WE SEPARTED AGAIN: he loves me so much, i'm his best friend, but he is finding himself again not wanting to be in this relationship & doesn't know why. and i knew it was happening because i saw him taking me for granted and giving cruel comments or being not supported. so guess what,,,, i'm still fine. i still love him so much but i have learned to let go again. now i'm NC. here is how yesterday went down: i went to his place after a week of "taking a break" (a week of NC),,, and i went to his house strong! I told him i needed to be realistic,,, and that after 8 years, i deserved to be secure in our relationship, and that the only thing i saw growing, was the space of his foot kepted in the backdoor of our relationship. And he confessed that it is true, he thinks he doesn't want to be in this relationship & doesn't know why. I feel i was about to be dumped again, and so i went there to face it with dignity. He was crying when i left, and i did leave knowing i had to be strong (inside i was dying so bad, but i know in my heart he will want me back, so i have my confidence & will be better off either way). I got in my car, and texted "know i love u" --he texted back "I wish I could show u how much i love u, i'm sorry". I sent "i'm always right here", he sent, "not anymore", i sent "i want that twinkle back", he texted "me too". now i am in NC, and i will stay in NC because i know its the only way to have perspective. And the pain whenever it comes to either person really does make you stronger. i'm not fed up with his non-commitment patterns... i think it's sometimes healthy to shake things up,,, it's like a re-set button to a relationship. i'm pretty certain he'll be back. not sure where i will be,, i'm hurting but i'm going to be strong and i won't even consider going back til i see that twinkle in the eye back again. I already know he loves me, likes me, and is attracted to me. there is nothing else i can do but be strong. and there is nothing stronger than NC. (if our getting back together only lasted a few months, i would be fed up... but the fact that it lasted another 3 years is something that i WILL consider being back with. i know that we have more magical times than negative times.) so i'm not going to freak out, or panic. S/O are not dead, they are living often very decent people that we have loved. and i believe in giving chances,,, only if it feels magical though and ONLY if they do the work to get back together. make it hard for them though, NC & finding personal happiness without them! -- really, it is what THEY want, even though they don't know it at first! [This post is about my relationship, not about it being a gay relationship, so please do see it as a "gay issue" just because we are both males]
lizzylizliz Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Inspirational stuff I think I may have to go NC on my SO, and your post is really encouraging for the benefits of it. Thanks!
Thornton Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 He has dumped you twice now. Are you really prepared to let this pattern continue until one day he doesn't come back, and you're possibly too old to look for another relationship? Do you really want to be with someone who is ambiguous about whether he even wants you? Personally I would want someone who couldn't live without me, not someone who changes his mind every few years.
Author david_ryan Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 I don't view relationships as "forever". for me it is the gift of spending time and making memories. i am not bitter that he doesn't want to be in our relationship. sad, yes, but i wouldn't take back those 8 years for anything. it has been my best relationship so far anyways. Everyperson, every relationship is different. it is important to weigh your own risks because they are exactly that: your own risks.
Author david_ryan Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 ps. I felt that this time was "leading" to me being dumped. I faced it and addressed it before it reared it's ugly face. it has given me more dignity. I dont feel that I am in is unhealthy pattern. We are being honest & communicated. now it's alone time. I believe love will go where it is supposed to anyways.
wanjirum Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I am so happy I came across your post ... funnily enough we are in a very familiar situation (he kept breaking it off, then we would patch things up). Well this time I learnt the hard lesson of NC and how to deal with a break up after I went down the pathetic route . You can read my post (to break NC or when is it ok to break NC) .... I recently just contacted him after 70+ of NC and I am confused, did I make a mistake ??? You seem very experienced with NC, I am curious to know what you think. I am happy that we have members who can actually come back and say yes it worked. Hang in there, he will get back into his senses once he realizes what he has lost. 8 years are a lot of memories to wash down the drain . Be strong and I agree keep with the NC ... and if he comes back make sure this time there is a stipulation to the 'relationship' ... We have to set clear our boundaries, so that they respect us more. The whole emotional roller coaster journey has to stop !!! Otherwise it is also unhealthy for you in the long run.
Author david_ryan Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 I am so happy I came across your post ... funnily enough we are in a very familiar situation (he kept breaking it off, then we would patch things up). Well this time I learnt the hard lesson of NC and how to deal with a break up after I went down the pathetic route . You can read my post (to break NC or when is it ok to break NC) .... I recently just contacted him after 70+ of NC and I am confused, did I make a mistake ??? You seem very experienced with NC, I am curious to know what you think. I don't and won't break NC. it has to come from him breaking NC, otherwise i will move on. after 8 years i know he will. i just know it. Also i am preparing myself that there is the chance that he won't. either way i know i will be fine. up and down days, and sadness because i miss him. but i know how good this is (for both) because suffering seems to be the highway to becoming strong. and stronger is what our relationship needs. so not to obsess, i hang out with my nieces, do my darkroom work, situps, bikerides & since it's summer i make sure i go out and FEEL the sun. don't break NC ever if you are dumped. It's not good for you or the relationship. it's like another rule i have talking/arguing on the phone (with my mom/lover/whoever). if anger makes someone hang up the phone on me, i will not call them back. they are the ones that "hung up", it means they didn't want to talk to me anymore. it's up to them from that point. and you know what? every single person eventually did call me back. It also helps them to learn it is not right to hang up on someone.
Author david_ryan Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 so not to obsess, i hang out with my nieces, do my darkroom work, situps, bikerides & since it's summer i make sure i go out and FEEL the sun. and i forgot: friends FRIENDS FRIENDS!! and new Friends that you KNOW are good for YOU.
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