HookedOnHim2 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Do you think it would be difficult or almost impossible for a spouse who had a long term emotional affair with a coworker (5 years) to feel affection for their wife/husband after that spouse uncovered the affair rather abruptly and demanded immediate NC with OW? The bad spouse still keeps limited contact with OW when they are at work only (the do not work together or have any business together). A marriage cannot recover from that, can it? If the betrayed spouse tries and tries to bring intimacy back to the marriage and the bad spouse says they are trying too hard and does nothing to reciprocate any intimate feelings, could you say the marriage is over because the bad spouse has emotional feelings for the OW and not enough for the spouse? If the bad spouse does everything else good but does not want intimacy, do you think TIME will eventually pull the bad spouse back to their spouse?
Owl Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Intimacy will never return as long as the WS (wayward spouse) remains in ANY kind of contact whatsoever with their previous affair partner. The WS will REMAIN withdrawn from the marriage, and will most likely never truly put forth any effort into reconciliation if they are still seeing their affair partner in any fashion. Additionally...the longer the EA went on, the less likely that the WS will truly feel remorse/guilt/etc... about the affair. In the circumstance you describe...I honestly would give very poor odds of reconciliation. I'd suggest that the BS (betrayed spouse) either push the issue to FULL and COMPLETE NO CONTACT, or consider filing for divorce. The only other option is to live with things they way that they are today. I personally couldn't stay like that...but that's me. WHY was "limited to work contact" agreed to in the first place? Why didn't the WS seek new employment elsewhere? (Yes, I know all about the bad economy. In this case, it falls to a matter of triage...which is going to kill your marriage first...the lack of finances, or the inability to recover from the affair?)
DNU1 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 The "bad spouse" is called the "wayward spouse" or WS. The good is called the Betrayed Spouse, or BS. That said, your WS will never be fully invested in the marriage until he/she establishes complete and utter NO CONTACT with the OP (other person). I mean no contact at all. Change jobs, move towns, no e-mail, no phone calls, nothing. And it will take a long period of withdrawal for the WS to get over the OP and get rid of the WS fog. You can recover a marraige, EA or even PA, but you MUST establish NC with the OP. Be prepared though, waywards lie...be prepared for this five year EA to really be a PA (Physical Affair). Waywards lie. Snoop on them, gather more information. And if you really want to end the affair, expose to everyone who has any contact with them (WS and OP). Family, friends, co-workers...simply tell them that your WS had an affair and you want to recover the marriage. Affairs thrive in the darkness. Bring light to this affair and it will die. Expose to everyone you can. Head over to marriagebuildres.com forums for more details and support. Great place. IT's great here also, but they have plans for stuff like this.
Author HookedOnHim2 Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 WHY was "limited to work contact" agreed to in the first place? Why didn't the WS seek new employment elsewhere? Because the work place is the only chance he has to call her. She used to work in our Department (I work their too). I have to deal with him but she works in a totally other building now. He keeps telling me that nothing is going on with them and I should trust him that he knows what he's doing and he wouldnt hurt me. Then I find that he sent her a text message the day after we talked. He won't touch me, kiss me, initiate sex. I have to do it and he told me this morning that I'm trying too hard so I told him I will just leave him alone. We ride to/from work everyday and he put himself on "house arrest" since July 2008 to prove to me he's not out their messing around with anyone. I thought we were making headway but I see he's still in some contact with her.
Owl Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Because the work place is the only chance he has to call her. She used to work in our Department (I work their too). I have to deal with him but she works in a totally other building now. You misunderstood me. Why did YOU agree to allow this situation to continue? He keeps telling me that nothing is going on with them and I should trust him that he knows what he's doing and he wouldnt hurt me. Then I find that he sent her a text message the day after we talked. He won't touch me, kiss me, initiate sex. I have to do it and he told me this morning that I'm trying too hard so I told him I will just leave him alone. We ride to/from work everyday and he put himself on "house arrest" since July 2008 to prove to me he's not out their messing around with anyone. I thought we were making headway but I see he's still in some contact with her. Clearly he has no clue on how to rebuild your trust in him...or doesn't care to do so. Have you sought counseling with a marriage counselor who has a good track record and game plan for helping couples overcome infidelity? "House arrest" means nothing if the person he had the affair with still has access to him. NC is the only way to recover...and if he's having ANY contact, your marriage cannot recover. You need to INSIST that something change to PREVENT contact with the OW. And you need to INSIST on going to an MC who can truly help the two of you work through all of this. Try picking up a copy of "Surviving an Affair".
Dexter Morgan Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Do you think it would be difficult or almost impossible for a spouse who had a long term emotional affair with a coworker (5 years) to feel affection for their wife/husband after that spouse uncovered the affair rather abruptly and demanded immediate NC with OW? The bad spouse still keeps limited contact with OW when they are at work only (the do not work together or have any business together). A marriage cannot recover from that, can it? Nope, because the betrayed spouse is perfectly reasonable to expect total NC and perfectly justified in demanding that the WS look for another job as a conidion of for recovery of the marriage. If WS isn't willing to do whatever it takes, keep the existing job UNTIL they find another, then the WS isn't too damn interested in recovering the marriage. The BS shouldn't have to put up with WS being in ANY kind of contact, no matter how minimal or infrequent, with the OM/OW. If the betrayed spouse tries and tries to bring intimacy back to the marriage and the bad spouse says they are trying too hard and does nothing to reciprocate any intimate feelings, could you say the marriage is over because the bad spouse has emotional feelings for the OW and not enough for the spouse? I'd say its over because the BS is the one making all the effort, when the burden of effort belongs with the WS, and said WS is not wanting to do their share in the recovery. If the bad spouse does everything else good but does not want intimacy, do you think TIME will eventually pull the bad spouse back to their spouse? What else good would you be talking about in absence of intimacy. And BTW, I love the "bad spouse" references:cool:
Dexter Morgan Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 The "bad spouse" is called the "wayward spouse" or WS. No, she had it right too with the way she put it:)
Dexter Morgan Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Do you think it would be difficult or almost impossible for a spouse who had a long term emotional affair with a coworker (5 years) oh, and 5 years and only an emotional affair? Sorry, you can bet your booties it was physical in some sense at some point in that 5 years. If he says they never got physical, then he is lying his cheating ass off.
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