djc Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I've never felt the need to ask for help with my feelings but I just feel I need some words of advice from someone other than friends and family. I've been with my bf for 18 months. I thought we were totally in love.....as did everyone else. Completely out of the blue, on Wednesday, he told me he no longer loves me. He still fancies me and wants me to be in his life but doesn't love me any more. He has said that he still wants to go out for a drink, chat on the phone, go out for dinner etc. I'm absolutely devastated. I thought everything was perfect and that we would spend the rest of our lives together. We spoke about getting married and moving in together. We've been on holiday countless times and were due to go again this weekend. I cant believe he doesn't love me anymore. We never argued - we bickered a bit but nothing major. The only thing I think it could be is that he has been out of work since December and he cant 'look after' me as he wants to. He owes me some money and he is very stressed out by the fact he cant find work but I thought we were working through it. He has very old fashioned values and believes it should be a mans place to look after their other half. I must point out that I am totally dependand and not in any way relying on him to look after me. I just have no idea where to go from here or how I'm ever going to deal with it. I love him so much and all this is near on killing me........can someone please give me some words of advice on what I might be able to do to turn this round?? Thanks in advance
LakesideDream Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Sounds like he needs a job to feel worthy. Not a bad thing overall. From the tone of your post (countless holidays in 18 months?) it sounds like you are both very young. You will either be able to work through these problems, or use the experiance gained in future relationships. Good luck,
Author djc Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 He is a very proud person and I'm with you in saying he maybe thinks he's not good enough for me. Thing is that I'm not bothered what he has and hasn't got. I would disown everything I have and live in a tent with him. He's 37 and I'm 33.....not that young!!! Thank you for the response. Much appreciated
Sweetcheripie Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. Maybe it is the job or maybe not but just let him go right now. I know it hurts and I wish I could say something to make it better. It will get better in time but for right now just focus on you and being around good friends and family. I wouldn't go out to dinner with him, chat on the phone etc. That is just too painful.
LakesideDream Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 He is a very proud person and I'm with you in saying he maybe thinks he's not good enough for me. Thing is that I'm not bothered what he has and hasn't got. I would disown everything I have and live in a tent with him. He's 37 and I'm 33.....not that young!!! Thank you for the response. Much appreciated At 37 I'm more sure that he is feeling very bad about not being employed and productive. This economic downturn is going to cause a lot of these kinds of problems. I laud you for your "live in a tent" statement. That is very a "not female" attitude. It isn't very practical though. This really sounds like something that will take time to live through. Do you or did you live together? That makes a difference. If you are in love with the man keep talking to him. Try and make him understand that the job situation is temporary. Heck, inspire him to flip burgers if that's what he needs to do. Love is what really makes the world liveable. Don't give up.
Author djc Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 thank you sweetcheripie - I dont think there is anything anyone can say or do to make me feel better.....thats all a matter of time. I do still want to be friends and I think at some point we will be able to go out platonically. Lakesidedream - We didn't live together although a few months ago he asked me to rent my house out and move in with him. I said we should wait until we could get somewhere together which would be big enough (he had just started a new tenancy) You're right.....living in a tent wouldn't be the best. Where would I plug my straightening irons in for a start!! (got to try to make light of a bad situation eh!?) I've just spoken to him actually. I txt him this afternoon and asked him to give me a call. I thought that out of courtesy I should let him know I was still going on 'our' holiday this weekend but that I was taking 2 of my friends. We got on fine...I did get a bit upset but I tried soooo hard to cover it up. Think he knew though and he did tell me to take care and that he was really pleased that I was still going etc. Maybe there is a glimmer of hope that we can get back together. After all, if he still fancies me then surely there's potential for him to fall back in love with me??
bluewolf17 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 For what it's worth, I was in a very similiar situation. My ex of 3.5 years was unemployed for over 9 months. I was the breadwinner anyways and took care of him most of the time. But after a few months, being jobless really affected him. I think it made him feel worthless and unproductive. I tried to lighten his spirits, but after awhile, it really wore on him, and also the relationship. Maybe just give him time and space. This sounds like somthing he has to figure out. It may work out for the best. You want him to be happy, and it sounds like he is depressed. Maybe let him figure this out, and if you get back together, he will be a more complete person, and will be better for you.
Author djc Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 For what it's worth, I was in a very similiar situation. My ex of 3.5 years was unemployed for over 9 months. I was the breadwinner anyways and took care of him most of the time. But after a few months, being jobless really affected him. I think it made him feel worthless and unproductive. I tried to lighten his spirits, but after awhile, it really wore on him, and also the relationship. Maybe just give him time and space. This sounds like somthing he has to figure out. It may work out for the best. You want him to be happy, and it sounds like he is depressed. Maybe let him figure this out, and if you get back together, he will be a more complete person, and will be better for you. Maybe he is depressed but he covers he real feelings so well and is always 'the joker' - even with me. I've tried on numerous occasions to talk to him about the situation and he always used to say that he didn't want to waste his time with me talking about it. It was all he thinks about during the day. He does tend to bury his head in the sand so maybe it is just time he needs. If that is the case, I'll definitely be still around. I just cant see me moving on from this 'the perfect relationship'
jlr Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I'm so sorry you are sad. It sucks. I know, I'm there too. As for being friends - it's virtually impossible, especially when one of you still wants it to be more. Hang in there.
Author djc Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 I'm so sorry you are sad. It sucks. I know, I'm there too. As for being friends - it's virtually impossible, especially when one of you still wants it to be more. Hang in there. Thank you!! I do think I could still friends with him. We knew each other and worked together for 10 years before we were a couple. We literally know each other inside out. It really would be a shame to loose that friendship.......and as I said before, if he still fancies me (which he says he does) then there must be potential for him to fall back in love with me given time. I soooo hope if he gets back on his feet that it happens
Author djc Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Ok.....just a quick update and to say that I'm totally confused!! He came by my house today to drop off some things of mine which were at his. I was really positive and didn't get upset in front of him (although I did when he left). He gave me a hug before he left which was a real hard 'bear hug' and as I pulled away we were facing each other and we kissed. Not a full on kiss but harder and longer then a peck on the lips. I cant be sure who initiated it but neither of us backed off from it and it happened twice. I've not contacted him since he left my house earlier, then just an hour ago I got a text saying 'hi, just wanted to say that i really hope you have a fab holiday. Enjoy the sun and sangria X' I'm just really confused and tbh, I think he is too. Just wondered what, if anything, you guys thought??
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