BCCA Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Here is my dilema: I have a good friend, who I've known for over 10 years, and she is currently dating a guy that is pretty obviously cheating on her. Shes gotten random calls from girls asking who she was, because he was calling from their house and they think he is their boyfriend. She's confronted him about this, and he completely ignores what she says, and just tells her if she doesnt trust him, than thats her problem. They have been 'dating' for 6 months, and she has never been to his house, met his friends/family, and when she brings this up, he has an unlimited amount of really weak excuses. Also, their 'dating' consists of him coming over and sleeping with her, and he doesnt answer or return calls for days at a time. His phone is apparently always 'dead', and turned off when he gets to her place, or he leaves it at home...coincidentally. This friend asked me my advice, and I was completely honest about how bad this really looked. She proceeded to agree, and then asked 'but how do I fix it so that we trust eachother again?'. I just looked at her blankly, and thought to myself 'you dont'. She has been single for a very long time, and met a lot of losers before meeting this guy (who as far as Im concerned is another loser) so part of me thinks shes just tired of being single. The problem is she really doesnt want my advice, she just wants me to tell her everything is fine. Its gotten to the point where she has made comments to other friends that Im a bitter person, and she avoids me. We used to talk everyday, now she doesnt call at all, and if I try to see what shes doing, its hanging out with this guy and everything is just fine. I know shes hurting inside, and I want her to get out of this bad, bad situation, but shes obviously going to stick with a cheater in lieu of being alone. My question is, did I do the right thing? Are you honest with your friends when they ask for advice like this, or do you kind of BS them and just hint at potential problems? I was very direct and while I wasnt mean, I didnt sugar coat, and now Im affriad Im going to lose a friend. And if she doesnt want to talk to me, I certainly dont want to be a shoulder to cry on when this inevidably blows up in her face. Thoughts?
northstar1 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Here is my dilema: I have a good friend, who I've known for over 10 years, and she is currently dating a guy that is pretty obviously cheating on her. Shes gotten random calls from girls asking who she was, because he was calling from their house and they think he is their boyfriend. She's confronted him about this, and he completely ignores what she says, and just tells her if she doesnt trust him, than thats her problem. They have been 'dating' for 6 months, and she has never been to his house, met his friends/family, and when she brings this up, he has an unlimited amount of really weak excuses. Also, their 'dating' consists of him coming over and sleeping with her, and he doesnt answer or return calls for days at a time. His phone is apparently always 'dead', and turned off when he gets to her place, or he leaves it at home...coincidentally. This friend asked me my advice, and I was completely honest about how bad this really looked. She proceeded to agree, and then asked 'but how do I fix it so that we trust eachother again?'. I just looked at her blankly, and thought to myself 'you dont'. She has been single for a very long time, and met a lot of losers before meeting this guy (who as far as Im concerned is another loser) so part of me thinks shes just tired of being single. The problem is she really doesnt want my advice, she just wants me to tell her everything is fine. Its gotten to the point where she has made comments to other friends that Im a bitter person, and she avoids me. We used to talk everyday, now she doesnt call at all, and if I try to see what shes doing, its hanging out with this guy and everything is just fine. I know shes hurting inside, and I want her to get out of this bad, bad situation, but shes obviously going to stick with a cheater in lieu of being alone. My question is, did I do the right thing? Are you honest with your friends when they ask for advice like this, or do you kind of BS them and just hint at potential problems? I was very direct and while I wasnt mean, I didnt sugar coat, and now Im affriad Im going to lose a friend. And if she doesnt want to talk to me, I certainly dont want to be a shoulder to cry on when this inevidably blows up in her face. Thoughts? you did the right thing. good friends are honest, even if it's sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. i am straight honest with my friends, and they appreciate it, even if sometimes it comes off as a little blunt. i count on my friends to provide honesty and clarity when sometimes my own perception is cloudy.
Soul Bear Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 You did the right thing. True friends will always tell you how it is, even if its not what you want to hear. Whether it be about you, good points and bad points. The truth will set you free. Well done you bro, now try and get this loser out of her life so she has a chance to meet someone who doesnt cheat.
Author BCCA Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 You did the right thing. True friends will always tell you how it is, even if its not what you want to hear. Whether it be about you, good points and bad points. The truth will set you free. Well done you bro, now try and get this loser out of her life so she has a chance to meet someone who doesnt cheat. Trust me, if I thought beating the crap out of him and telling him to stay way would do the trick, it would have been done by now. But this guy is a class A douchebag. When she has a reason to be mad, he gets mad at her instead, and storms off. Then, she calls him a day or whatever later, and no mention is made of the crap he just pulled. Its like I cant win. Im an honest person, and I know thats the right thing to do, but in the end this jerk is still doing the same crap, and shes going along with it. Its frustrating.
Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 You did the right thing. That doesn't mean, however, that your relationship is salvagable. I've learned the hard way that when you offer advice (when asked) that a friend doesn't want to hear about their relationship (particularly when cheating is involved), they often side with their SO. Out of embarassment, or shame... even when that relationship ends, they won't come back around. It's really sad.
kizik Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I'm in a similar situation. My friend is dating a b*tch, and I let him know. Now they're both mad at me. F*CK both of them.
Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I'm in a similar situation. My friend is dating a b*tch, and I let him know. Now they're both mad at me. F*CK both of them. Well, now THAT's not a good attitude to have. You shouldn't be saying F*CK 'em about your friend. If you cared about him, you'd want to see him happy. Being b*tchy is different than cheating. That, you probably should have kept to yourself.
Soul Bear Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 You did the right thing. That doesn't mean, however, that your relationship is salvagable. I've learned the hard way that when you offer advice (when asked) that a friend doesn't want to hear about their relationship (particularly when cheating is involved), they often side with their SO. Out of embarassment, or shame... even when that relationship ends, they won't come back around. It's really sad. I second that motion. I lost my oldest friend from the same mistake- being to honest with her. She txt me one day and said she was pregnant and getting married to this guy she didnt even know. I tried to let her know that it was a bad idea, and that she is too young, she doesnt know the guy and has so much life ahead of her. If its what she really wanted i would be happy for her, but to think about it. But alas, when her man found out, her attitude changed, she sided with him and told me never to call her again. Its been 2 years now
kizik Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Oh, who cares. I was nice about it. They got defensive. They're not great friends anyway.
Author BCCA Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 You did the right thing. That doesn't mean, however, that your relationship is salvagable. I've learned the hard way that when you offer advice (when asked) that a friend doesn't want to hear about their relationship (particularly when cheating is involved), they often side with their SO. Out of embarassment, or shame... even when that relationship ends, they won't come back around. It's really sad. I know youre right, its just really pathetic. Like, why would your good friend just say random things that werent true? And she's siding with a guy thats put her needs as far down to the bottom as possible...bleh. Oh well...
oscakool Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Yea you should always be honest in situations like this, and if they don't take your advice that is their problem. In your situation, I'd start ignoring her to and go do your own thing. It sucks, but she's doing the same thing. She obviously doesn't want to hear the truth right now. I would say from time to time "still dating that cheater?" but that's because I'm an ******* to people like her
BubblyPopcorn Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Here is my dilema: I have a good friend, who I've known for over 10 years, and she is currently dating a guy that is pretty obviously cheating on her. Shes gotten random calls from girls asking who she was, because he was calling from their house and they think he is their boyfriend. She's confronted him about this, and he completely ignores what she says, and just tells her if she doesnt trust him, than thats her problem. They have been 'dating' for 6 months, and she has never been to his house, met his friends/family, and when she brings this up, he has an unlimited amount of really weak excuses. Also, their 'dating' consists of him coming over and sleeping with her, and he doesnt answer or return calls for days at a time. His phone is apparently always 'dead', and turned off when he gets to her place, or he leaves it at home...coincidentally. This friend asked me my advice, and I was completely honest about how bad this really looked. She proceeded to agree, and then asked 'but how do I fix it so that we trust eachother again?'. I just looked at her blankly, and thought to myself 'you dont'. She has been single for a very long time, and met a lot of losers before meeting this guy (who as far as Im concerned is another loser) so part of me thinks shes just tired of being single. The problem is she really doesnt want my advice, she just wants me to tell her everything is fine. Its gotten to the point where she has made comments to other friends that Im a bitter person, and she avoids me. We used to talk everyday, now she doesnt call at all, and if I try to see what shes doing, its hanging out with this guy and everything is just fine. I know shes hurting inside, and I want her to get out of this bad, bad situation, but shes obviously going to stick with a cheater in lieu of being alone. My question is, did I do the right thing? Are you honest with your friends when they ask for advice like this, or do you kind of BS them and just hint at potential problems? I was very direct and while I wasnt mean, I didnt sugar coat, and now Im affriad Im going to lose a friend. And if she doesnt want to talk to me, I certainly dont want to be a shoulder to cry on when this inevidably blows up in her face. Thoughts? While I don't condone friends who meddle, in this situation I think you did the absolute right thing. She's your friend, you care about her well being, and your intention was genuine. He is clearly using her and is a liar and a cheater. I would have done the same and my close friends would do the same for me.
Author BCCA Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 While I don't condone friends who meddle, in this situation I think you did the absolute right thing. She's your friend, you care about her well being, and your intention was genuine. He is clearly using her and is a liar and a cheater. I would have done the same and my close friends would do the same for me. Well, I would never have said a word if she didnt ask for advice. I agree, I wouldnt want a friend who was always butting into my life and trying to start drama, but thats hardly what I was doing. I was concerned, and what she told me was infuriating. Its like someone cheating on your sister, it takes every ounce of self control you have not to roll over there and beat the crap out of him. To make matter worse, its like she is blaming me for telling her the truth. Its not like I want her to be alone, but being alone is better than being with a creep.
BubblyPopcorn Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Well, I would never have said a word if she didnt ask for advice. I agree, I wouldnt want a friend who was always butting into my life and trying to start drama, but thats hardly what I was doing. I was concerned, and what she told me was infuriating. Its like someone cheating on your sister, it takes every ounce of self control you have not to roll over there and beat the crap out of him. To make matter worse, its like she is blaming me for telling her the truth. Its not like I want her to be alone, but being alone is better than being with a creep. Well hopefully she won't choose to end your friendship after 10 years over this. She just has some sorting out to do, it seems. But I agree with you completely
Author BCCA Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Well hopefully she won't choose to end your friendship after 10 years over this. She just has some sorting out to do, it seems. But I agree with you completely My concern is more that when this all shakes out, she is going to realize that I was right, and she'll be too embarassed to admit it, and so she'll just kind of avoid me. It's happened to me before.
MeMyself&I Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 My question is, did I do the right thing? Are you honest with your friends when they ask for advice like this, or do you kind of BS them and just hint at potential problems? I was very direct and while I wasnt mean, I didnt sugar coat, and now Im affriad Im going to lose a friend. And if she doesnt want to talk to me, I certainly dont want to be a shoulder to cry on when this inevidably blows up in her face. Thoughts? BCCA, In my last relationship, I was in the opposite scenario. One of my "best" friends knew my ex was cheating on me and didn't tell me. I broke up with him for other reasons, started to regret it and wanted to make amends. I missed him like crazy and thought I had hurt him. WOW! was the laugh on me. Once I found out from other people she told I was able to put the relationship with my ex behind me and get over him very quickly. But my so-called friend sat and watched me make these choices. Throw myself back on his mercy for breaking up with him when all the time he was an A-One Douche Bag. So, I wish my friend had been more like you. High-fives to you for caring so much for your friend.
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