I'm officially starting my dating sabbatical

[dreamergrl]

So here I am. Single, and staying that way for a while. I'm okay with it for the most part. I know it's long over due, and it will give me time to get my mind on the right track. Plus get the other things in my life in order.

 

It looks as though I may have a great summer job that will give me the opportunity to meet a lot of new people. There is a company that is looking for event staff in Milwaukee, for concerts and stuff. I bet it would be a great experience. Also, I may be be bar tending at the ever so famous Summer Fest this year, a two weekish musical festival that is very big. Crossing my fingers! It would be great, some of my favorite bands and artists are coming this year.

 

I will say it would be hard for me to turn down a date if I was interested, but right now it is probably for the best. I feel a bit lonely, but maybe I'll get to make some new friends this summer

[northstar1]

So here I am. Single, and staying that way for a while. I'm okay with it for the most part. I know it's long over due, and it will give me time to get my mind on the right track. Plus get the other things in my life in order.

 

It looks as though I may have a great summer job that will give me the opportunity to meet a lot of new people. There is a company that is looking for event staff in Milwaukee, for concerts and stuff. I bet it would be a great experience. Also, I may be be bar tending at the ever so famous Summer Fest this year, a two weekish musical festival that is very big. Crossing my fingers! It would be great, some of my favorite bands and artists are coming this year.

 

I will say it would be hard for me to turn down a date if I was interested, but right now it is probably for the best. I feel a bit lonely, but maybe I'll get to make some new friends this summer

 

 

I'm glad - focus on you. make some new friends, take up some hobbies, classes, fitness groups. You'll be happy!

[BubblyPopcorn]

I think that's an excellent idea. I took one after my first RL ended, I joined a bowling league with a friend of mine and I met a lot of nice people. It's actually how I met my ex at the time. After my last LTR ended, I spent most of my time with friends/family and also took a lot of fun classes, we took Tai Chi, Country Line Dancing lessons, Salsa lessons, we had a blast being single .

[OpenBook]

Good for you, dreamer! And while you're commingling with your new co-workers and fellow music lovers, I hope you won't be tempted to express to them any lingering bitterness or negativity that you might be harboring somewhere in the back of your mind about your recent dating experiences... which are now (thankfully) in the past and no longer of any consequence to you! Give out positive, cheerful, carefree/light GUSTO vibes instead. People are naturally attracted to that... and it makes you even more beautiful.

 

It's SUMMERTIME!!! :bunny:

[Star Gazer]

A wise decision indeed.

 

Have you taken your profiles down?

[dreamergrl]

I only had one to deactivate. I can put it as invisible until I'm ready to use it again.

[Star Gazer]

You didn't answer the question.

 

Did you make it invisible, or are you still using your profile as bait?

[dreamergrl]

You didn't answer the question.

 

Did you make it invisible, or are you still using your profile as bait?

 

Nope it is invisible. I can't handle dating and all the crap it brings right now.

[Trialbyfire]

A dating sabbatical is a good idea, dreamergrl. During your sabbatical, work on self-analysis, what makes you tick, what causes you to invest. As previously mentioned, you're drawn to bad boys. The more bad behaviour you experience, the more invested you become. And yet, this dynamic causes you great pain and anxiety. So, how do you stop this cycle?

[dreamergrl]

A dating sabbatical is a good idea, dreamergrl. During your sabbatical, work on self-analysis, what makes you tick, what causes you to invest. As previously mentioned, you're drawn to bad boys. The more bad behaviour you experience, the more invested you become. And yet, this dynamic causes you great pain and anxiety. So, how do you stop this cycle?

 

I wish I knew. I wish I knew that the 'bad' boy was a 'bad' boy before I go out with them again. When I started getting a feeling about D, it was like I thought it was just me being insecure or anxious over nothing. Up until all this other drama started, I didn't get the 'bad boy' vibe from him. I don't know how to explain it, but I get attracted/interested to them before I even know it's the type of person they are. You know what I mean? Like before I realize they have that persona.

[Trialbyfire]

I wish I knew. I wish I knew that the 'bad' boy was a 'bad' boy before I go out with them again. When I started getting a feeling about D, it was like I thought it was just me being insecure or anxious over nothing. Up until all this other drama started, I didn't get the 'bad boy' vibe from him. I don't know how to explain it, but I get attracted/interested to them before I even know it's the type of person they are. You know what I mean? Like before I realize they have that persona.

Okay, let's assume that there's no way you can tell what kind of guys they are, so you start to like them, while getting to know them. Then suddenly, your instinct kicks in due to their bad behaviour. Instead of pressing forward when anxiety hits, why not emotionally back off with both positive and negative emotions? This guy gave you anxiety very early on. Instead of giving someone chance after chance, just walk next time. You can't control what they do and how they react but you can control yourself.

[BobSacamento]

I can't see how this is a good idea. I think baby steps is the way to go. I've read some of your posts and I know you have high anxiety. But to think that getting away from it will cause that anxiety to go away is foolish. You need to become comfortable in the situations which cause the anxiety and take it slow. If I were in your shoes, I would go on several first dates and end them there. When you become comfortable with that go to two with someone. When you no longer have issues there go for a 2 weeks with someone. Etc.

 

I should know ok, I watched an episode of Dr. Phil on this just last night LOL.

 

But seriously I think it was a good show and good advice. I gave you the jist of it.

[dreamergrl]

Okay, let's assume that there's no way you can tell what kind of guys they are, so you start to like them, while getting to know them. Then suddenly, your instinct kicks in due to their bad behaviour. Instead of pressing forward when anxiety hits, why not emotionally back off with both positive and negative emotions? This guy gave you anxiety very early on. Instead of giving someone chance after chance, just walk next time. You can't control what they do and how they react but you can control yourself.

 

That's great advice. I guess I'm always torn between when to listen to my anxiety, because sometimes it's not based on likeliness, if that makes sense.

[Trialbyfire]

That's great advice. I guess I'm always torn between when to listen to my anxiety, because sometimes it's not based on likeliness, if that makes sense.

Right now, you don't trust your own judgement.

 

Take a serious look backwards, in the past year or so. Each time your instincts kicked in, what percentage was right?

[dreamergrl]

Right now, you don't trust your own judgement.

 

Take a serious look backwards, in the past year or so. Each time your instincts kicked in, what percentage was right?

 

Well assuming I didn't push guys into it (like being untrusting so they just gave up, I've been told I do that at times), all the time.

[Trialbyfire]

Well assuming I didn't push guys into it (like being untrusting so they just gave up, I've been told I do that at times), all the time.

Before it gets to that level of untrusting, the minute your gut instinct kicks in, start emotionally distancing yourself so the drama level doesn't crank up.

 

I think the pushing part, is you taking those instincts and trying to push the guy to possibly become what you want, instead of who they really are. Then, they feel cornered and act worse, which cranks up the drama.

 

In not trusting your instincts and also, I think just plain wanting to stay with them, you then rationalize away the bad behaviours and give them chance after chance, which once again, cranks up the drama, since each time, you get more angry.

 

Anyways, that's just my observation from your threads. I could easily be off-base but I can only read what you've written, instead of being there and watching your dynamics.

[MeaganRaye]

Good for you. Being single is better anyway. You don't have to worry about some man disappointing you, by cheating, flirting etc.

[Touche]

Yeah, Meagan because we know that ALL men are disappointments in the end.

 

My take is that if you're ending up with the same kind of men over and over again, then the problem is with you and not with these men.

[tkgirl]

So here I am. Single, and staying that way for a while. I'm okay with it for the most part. I know it's long over due, and it will give me time to get my mind on the right track. Plus get the other things in my life in order.

 

It looks as though I may have a great summer job that will give me the opportunity to meet a lot of new people. There is a company that is looking for event staff in Milwaukee, for concerts and stuff. I bet it would be a great experience. Also, I may be be bar tending at the ever so famous Summer Fest this year, a two weekish musical festival that is very big. Crossing my fingers! It would be great, some of my favorite bands and artists are coming this year.

 

I will say it would be hard for me to turn down a date if I was interested, but right now it is probably for the best. I feel a bit lonely, but maybe I'll get to make some new friends this summer

 

this sounds like a great idea! it's summer... get out and have fun... do things that make YOU happy! You don't need a stupid guy for that.

Seriously, if you act like you could give a **** then soon guys will be flocking to you... not that you'll care because you'll be so busy living your life and having fun! Then if you do meet a guy you want to date, make him prove himself to you first... make sure he is even worth your time!

You go girl!

[dreamergrl]

Before it gets to that level of untrusting, the minute your gut instinct kicks in, start emotionally distancing yourself so the drama level doesn't crank up.

 

Stupid question time. How do you distance yourself but still continue to see them to see where it goes?

 

I think the pushing part, is you taking those instincts and trying to push the guy to possibly become what you want, instead of who they really are. Then, they feel cornered and act worse, which cranks up the drama.

 

I have thought of this myself, and pretty much agree. Sometimes, though, when I look back at some of my exes, they end up being that guy towards their next gf. The few I've stayed in touch with.

 

In not trusting your instincts and also, I think just plain wanting to stay with them, you then rationalize away the bad behaviours and give them chance after chance, which once again, cranks up the drama, since each time, you get more angry.

 

I think I rationalize the behavior because I want so much to trust what they say that I try to convince myself that they are being truthful when chances are they are not. I'm just throwing out an example - not trying to analyze the situation - with D, when we spent time together, I loved every minute of it. I felt at ease. I looked at that more then anything, instead of looking at what I wasn't getting out of it that I wanted. The good makes me want to stay, and I try to x out the bad.

 

Anyways, that's just my observation from your threads. I could easily be off-base but I can only read what you've written, instead of being there and watching your dynamics.

 

I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out here TBF. I really do want to use my sabbatical to good use, and figure out what I want in the future. Thanks so much :):)

[Trialbyfire]

Stupid question time. How do you distance yourself but still continue to see them to see where it goes?

Refer to the next few comments. Sometimes you have to walk away.

I have thought of this myself, and pretty much agree. Sometimes, though, when I look back at some of my exes, they end up being that guy towards their next gf. The few I've stayed in touch with.

Of the few you're still in touch with, have you had a serious discussion about what went wrong, without accusations on either side?

I think I rationalize the behavior because I want so much to trust what they say that I try to convince myself that they are being truthful when chances are they are not. I'm just throwing out an example - not trying to analyze the situation - with D, when we spent time together, I loved every minute of it. I felt at ease. I looked at that more then anything, instead of looking at what I wasn't getting out of it that I wanted. The good makes me want to stay, and I try to x out the bad.

Perhaps it's time to analyze what you need v. what you want. If certain behaviours are needs, no amount of good can offset it. If it's a want, does the good outweigh the bad? After you've made those judgements, you can decide to proceed or not.

 

You can ask anyone for anything, preferably in a low-drama way. If they're unable to deliver by actions, no matter what they say, then it's time to walk. It's also a great way to gauge, how honest they are if they promise you one thing and do something else. Most often, people aren't doing things to you, while in a relationship. They're being who they are and looking out for their own best interests, as you are.

 

One way to lower the drama, is to realize and accept that people can't be what you want them to be. There's always room for compromise but if two people have opposite needs, you're incompatible. This can be applied not only to romantic relationships but friendships.

I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out here TBF. I really do want to use my sabbatical to good use, and figure out what I want in the future. Thanks so much :):)

You're welcome.

[dreamergrl]

Refer to the next few comments. Sometimes you have to walk away.

Of the few you're still in touch with, have you had a serious discussion about what went wrong, without accusations on either side?

 

That my insecurity was too much, or slowly pushed them away. There were times I felt their actions provoked it, but they didn't feel the same.

 

Perhaps it's time to analyze what you need v. what you want. If certain behaviours are needs, no amount of good can offset it. If it's a want, does the good outweigh the bad? After you've made those judgements, you can decide to proceed or not.

 

How do you ultimately decide what is a want and need in a relationship though?

 

 

You can ask anyone for anything, preferably in a low-drama way. If they're unable to deliver by actions, no matter what they say, then it's time to walk. It's also a great way to gauge, how honest they are if they promise you one thing and do something else. Most often, people aren't doing things to you, while in a relationship. They're being who they are and looking out for their own best interests, as you are.

 

But can't this be one in the same? Again, just an example. D straight out lied to me when asked if he was seeing other people, and that had to have been in his best interest. Same thing with the last one. Lied to over and over to string me along until he was where he wanted to be, and no longer needed me. So something sort of was done to me, in order for them to look out for themselves and what they wanted.

 

 

One way to lower the drama, is to realize and accept that people can't be what you want them to be. There's always room for compromise but if two people have opposite needs, you're incompatible. This can be applied not only to romantic relationships but friendships.

You're welcome.

 

Yeah, I do agree I can't always have someone be what I want, and if it is important to me, then I need to accept they can't be that way, and I need to move on instead of hanging on in hope. Was that about right?

 

So do you think I brought the most recent issues on myself? Or was blame given to me in order for me to feel at fault for what happened?

[Trialbyfire]

That my insecurity was too much, or slowly pushed them away. There were times I felt their actions provoked it, but they didn't feel the same.

 

How do you ultimately decide what is a want and need in a relationship though?

I'm putting these two together, since they go hand-in-hand.

 

IF they do something that you keep pushing against, it's more than likely a need. For example, with myself, I need courtesy and respect. If they're unable or unwilling to provide it, I'm gone. I know these are needs because resentment builds and escalates, if it's not provided.

But can't this be one in the same? Again, just an example. D straight out lied to me when asked if he was seeing other people, and that had to have been in his best interest. Same thing with the last one. Lied to over and over to string me along until he was where he wanted to be, and no longer needed me. So something sort of was done to me, in order for them to look out for themselves and what they wanted.

I have to question this abrupt turnaround with D. Are you 100% certain she exists?

 

Straight up, both of these guys lacked maturity. Immature guys can be boyishly fun but when push comes to shove, they lack what it takes for a viable relationship. When the drama escalates, instead of diffusing, they increase it.

 

When there's drama, do you feel you diffuse v. escalate?

 

Also, when you catch yourself pushing them hard, that's when you have to seriously review why you're with them. A square peg, round hole scenario.

 

Yeah, I do agree I can't always have someone be what I want, and if it is important to me, then I need to accept they can't be that way, and I need to move on instead of hanging on in hope. Was that about right?

Yes, that's about right, as long as you've been honest that it's a need and not just a want. If it's a want, can you compromise or roll-over sometimes?

So do you think I brought the most recent issues on myself? Or was blame given to me in order for me to feel at fault for what happened?

What I will lay at your feet is drama escalation. Don't think that the rest of us, myself included, aren't guilty of this too, sometimes. When we're invested, it's difficult to step back and realize that there's no hope, when what appear to be small incompatibilities, become insurmountable barriers. That's where needs and wants come into play. If it's a need, lay it on the table. If they can't or won't meet it, there's no reason to crank up the drama.

 

Just gently part ways, letting them know that things aren't going to work. The only problem with this, is that sometimes, the other person can't walk away in a mature fashion. But then, you have to stop yourself from escalating things once again by trying to discuss the issues. If that doesn't work, you have to learn to let it slide and ignore, just like what you're doing with D's potentially fictitious g/f.

 

Once again, this applies not only to romantic relationships, but friendships.

[MineThatBird]

Love, or liking someone can make us stupid. Because of the forward thinking the candidate offers, we are creating questions in our head that work against us.

 

Instead of thinking of why or how it didn't happen, I think you'll need to remove yourself from the situation and understand that if you do keep dwelling on X, Y and Z, you'll end up driving yourself crazy. You could exercise judgment with the most sophisticated of people, without the experience to justify it, the advice given will always fall short. Let go and live.

[dreamergrl]

I'm putting these two together, since they go hand-in-hand.

 

IF they do something that you keep pushing against, it's more than likely a need. For example, with myself, I need courtesy and respect. If they're unable or unwilling to provide it, I'm gone. I know these are needs because resentment builds and escalates, if it's not provided.

I have to question this abrupt turnaround with D. Are you 100% certain she exists?

 

That makes sense. So if I feel resentment building, that will be a good sign to walk away.

 

Eh I was kind enough to be shown a picture of them on his bed.

 

Straight up, both of these guys lacked maturity. Immature guys can be boyishly fun but when push comes to shove, they lack what it takes for a viable relationship. When the drama escalates, instead of diffusing, they increase it.

 

Agreed, and I don't want immaturity. I want someone who can be straight an honest with me. No games.

 

When there's drama, do you feel you diffuse v. escalate?

 

It depends. Sometimes I just ignore it. Other times I go on my first gut irritated reaction. I've been working on trying to diffuse my emotions before reacting though.

 

Also, when you catch yourself pushing them hard, that's when you have to seriously review why you're with them. A square peg, round hole scenario.

 

Good call. Such great advise!

 

Yes, that's about right, as long as you've been honest that it's a need and not just a want. If it's a want, can you compromise or roll-over sometimes?

What I will lay at your feet is drama escalation. Don't think that the rest of us, myself included, aren't guilty of this too, sometimes. When we're invested, it's difficult to step back and realize that there's no hope, when what appear to be small incompatibilities, become insurmountable barriers. That's where needs and wants come into play. If it's a need, lay it on the table. If they can't or won't meet it, there's no reason to crank up the drama.

 

And if I lay it out on the table, and they get defensive or needy for me to understand and accept what it is? That was like how it was with D until this gf just magically appeared.

 

Just gently part ways, letting them know that things aren't going to work. The only problem with this, is that sometimes, the other person can't walk away in a mature fashion. But then, you have to stop yourself from escalating things once again by trying to discuss the issues. If that doesn't work, you have to learn to let it slide and ignore, just like what you're doing with D's potentially fictitious g/f.

 

Yeah, and I did try to discuss the issues, only to be old it was all on me, he did nothing wrong. And when I hear that over and over again, I wonder if I was wrong.