asuman Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I'm in a real dilemna with this girl I've been dating for 3 months. I'm very attracted to her and have always been very interested in pursuing her, from our first date (which was set up by a friend). The dates progressed slowly, which seemed fine at first, but things are getting a little weird now. We're both in our 30s. Here's a perfect example of her weirdness: On our 4th or 5th date, she came over to my condo around midnight, after a nice evening out of dinner and walking around. I offered her one glass of wine which she took, but when she declined the second after an hour of talking I figured the night was over and she would go home. But, she didn't. So after more talking I figured I'd try to get her to sit down on my couch, and I asked if she wanted me to pop in a movie. She said no. Ok. So a few hours later of standing around my condo, and getting more affectionate (hugging, making out, but always while standing up), my legs were literally tired and I just plainly asked if she'd like to sit down on the couch. Again, the answer was no. She eventually left at FOUR A.M. We made out intensely as we said goodbye and she gave me a long embrace. A weird night, but she seems like she's into me, right? Well, that date was on a Friday. On Monday, she sends me a "By the way, just wanted you to know that I don't commit very easily to someone and it takes me a long time so let's take things slow" email. To me this felt like running into a brick wall head-first. It was like she put up this massive wall between us for no reason, and it hurt my ego. But I took it, played it cool, told her "Yeah, that's fine, I'm on the same page with you" and we went on. The next few dates went well too, and the making out was nice and we started holding hands, etc. But no sex. Fine with me for now. Here are the problems, aside from that email she sent me: (1) she told me she's NEVER been in a relationship that lasted more than 3 months, in her life (yeah, I'm there right now, about to break her record apparently); (2) she never calls me in between dates and is very slow in responding to my emails, texts and voicemails when I try and contact her. She doesn't totally blow them off, but she's just slow and not very quick in getting back to me. As a result, I try not to contact her that often anyway so I don't appear over-anxious, but then I'm always left wondering if she's actually interested in me. Until we go out, make out, have great chemistry etc., and I feel good again. And the cycle repeats. (3) At this point, 3 months in, I'm still always the one asking her out, always initiating the communication. I'd really like it if she asked me out once in a while, which again is making me wonder whether she's really interested in me or not. Some of my friends think she's got relationship issues and is not in fact ready to be in a relationship at all, much less with me. They think she will keep acting this way and things will drag on forever and I'm just wasting my time with her. Some also think she's not even interested in me, because otherwise she would be more anxious to go out on dates with me and take more of an initiative at this point. I'm beginning to think they might be right, and that I should end it all right here by just moving on. But, I like this girl so much. She's very cute, and we seem to have great chemistry when we're actually together. What should I do?
screwedup®retful Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I can't say that my experience (success and/or failures) suggests that I should offer advice to anyone, really, at this stage in my life, but the more I am out in the dating scene and talking to other people about their dating/relationship approaches the more grateful I am that I don't want to get mixed up in it. What I would say is this....Ask yourself if you are happy. Not just when the two of you are together, but in general. If you don't feel good about the two of you when you are apart, then you aren't really happy and enjoying the relationship. You may like the time you spend together and the chemistry and all of that, but if you are apart for a few days and have no contact and no real connection and that bothers you, then this is a relationship that isn't working for you at all. Steer clear of trying to label it, though. You mentioned that she might have committment issues or that she's never been in a relationship for more than three months. Why does that matter? Does it seems as though if you figure out WHY you aren't happy that it will make you happier or that will give you some material for fixing things? I think it's simple. You are early in your relationship with her and you're finding it hard to be happy, unless you are right there with her, at least within the confines of your relationship with her (Not implying you are unhappy with your life, here). I say you have a talk about what it is that makes a relationship "work" for you. Things like, I like to talk everyday and connect with you when we aren't together. If she is into doing the things you need, give it a whirl, if not, then you have the freedom to keep searching for that person who's idea of a relationship is in line with yours. Good Luck!
Author asuman Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Sigh. That's pretty good advice. I guess part of me wishes I just wouldn't get so wound up about her and these in-between periods of time. Without that anxiety, I would think that this situation would be perfectly fine for me. Which then, in turn, makes me wonder if I need to question why I'm so anxious and why I can't just chill out and enjoy the relationship (or whatever you would call this). If I could just chill out and enjoy, I would be fine with this to see where it ends up.
Cinnamon777 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I think that it's time for you to talk with her more about your feelings. Next time you go out, express that you are fine going slow but that you enjoy her and would like to have more connection with her like calls and emails between dates. If she is open and seems excited about your interest and desire, then I say relax and just go with the flow. If she is not able to open up even that little bit more to give to you, then IMO it's time to move on from this. It doesn't really sound like you are getting much satisfaction from the relationship and after 3 months I would think that things should be opening up a little bit. Sex may take a long time in this situation too, so you have to consider what your expectations are in that regard as well. Does she want to wait until marriage? Is she still a virgin? Good luck and keep us posted
loveshy Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Dude she is interested in you!!! Try to increase communication... Call her every night... and talk with her... Something like that... and some days dont call or text... see her reaction...
Author asuman Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Cinnamon: What a perfect way of putting it. ("I really enjoy her.. etc"). In fact, during our very latest date, she did open up quite a bit and we had a pretty good conversation about relationships and our respective approaches to them. So I'm hopeful that if I have a talk like this with her she will be receptive. loveshy: I really feel like this is the opposite of what I need to do. I sense she's afraid of being smothered and afraid of jumping into a relationship quickly. So, if I'm to respect that, I need to scale back, not ramp it up. No? A lot of my anxiety stems from my insecurity about whether she's really into me, to be honest with you. I'm trying to not let it show but inside me all of this bothers me.
Author asuman Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Well folks, I may have posted this thread in a very appropriate forum after all. Last night we texted each other and I asked her out for the following weekend. She said she will be out of town. This makes it two straight times that I've asked her out and she couldn't make it. So, I've decided I'm just going to flat out call her today and ask her essentially, "Listen, I know it was very last minute last time and that you're going to be out of town next weekend, but I just wanted to be sure that you actually do want me to keep asking you out. Do you?" I just have a bad sense of what her answer will be. My instincts are usually spot-on. But that's ok, I'd rather know this now than drag the situation on.
Soul Bear Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Hi Asuman Your title of the thread is a little confusing.... If you are asking other people if you should break up with her or not, I think you might have some issues that you need to work out within yourself. Maybe you should be single for a while until you know what you want? You should never ask anyone if you should break up with someone or not, unless of course they have REALLY wronged you. That is only a choice that YOU should be making, can you imagine how heartbroken this girl might be if she found out if you were asking other people to make your descisions for you? It does sound like she is pretty into you, and I would continue to go as you are. Next time, just go and sit on the sofa and Im sure she will follow you. To me an invite to the sofa is kind of like saying 'wanna get freaky on the sofa with me?!' I dont think you should call her and ask her, I think you should WAIT for HER to contact you. You have tried twice now, and you dont want to come across as pushy or desperate. The ball is in her court now Best of luck to you brotherman, keep us posted. SoulBear
Author asuman Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Ah crap dude. You make convincing points. But the problem is this, and I am now willing to openly admit this: I'm crazy about her. Being crazy about someone means that when they turn you down twice in a row, you start to get paranoid and crazy-anxious about things until it drives you completely insane. Are you suggesting I really keep on like this for another 2 weeks, without calling her to just ask how things are going? (If she's out of town next week, that means I won't know anything about where we are until the following week when I ask her out yet again at that time).
Soul Bear Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 By all means, see how she is, but dont try to organize anything just yet. Maybe even a txt instead of a phonecall would be better, that way if she replies you know you are not putting her on the spot, and risking getting turned down again and you will better be able to judge how your phonecall will go the next time you talk to her by the nature of her reply. You need to maintain positive with this girl. I think calling her and saying 'where do we stand' will pressure her to much and it could just push her away. Thats not what you want to do!! She is taking it slow, you need to respect that and do the same. Just pull back a little and see where it goes. Be friendly, be warm, be fun! Be yourself! I know your crazy about her, but you dont want her to think your crazy full stop...get me? I would go a few days without contact if I were you, no more, no less, just to regain your control again and put your head in a better place so as you can better judge your next move. If you have her email, I would send her a funny joke story or something that you know she will appreciate and make her smile while she is away on this trip, that way you are keeping it light and showing her that you are still fun and humerous, and thinking of her-NOT obsessing over her If you feel you MUST be the one to initiate the next 'asking out' then wait a few days after she is back- I would find out, as suruptisciously as possible, a night she is free (that means a night she is not doing ANYTHING), and give her short notice (i.e same day) that you have booked a table at such and such and such a place and to be ready for XY time when you will pick her up for a light hearted fun evening. Dont make it a posh place, just nice a low key, fun environment etc.
Author asuman Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Logic: Don't call her and have a needy "Where do I stand?" conversation. Strategy if I really want her: Don't call her and have a needy "Where do I stand?" conversation. Emotion: CALL HER NOW. I will read and re-read your post whenever I feel compelled to call her. I'm in for a long friggin week. Sigh. Thanks dude. Next beer I have out tonight will be a Scottish one.
Soul Bear Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I would give the scottish beer a miss...seriously...its like drinking 'pish' as we call it over here...aka... p i s s But by all means, if you can find a nice single malt and none of that 'Famous Grouse' S h i t e then go for it Glad I could be of help bro. Peace and Light SoulBear
Author asuman Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 One of my favorite pubs where I live happens to be a British pub, and my favorite beer there is Belhaven. Good stuff!
Soul Bear Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Ok..Belhaven Best is actually pretty good, I didnt realise you guys got that over there!! Enjoy!!!
Cloudberry Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 My take, is that she has been hurt too many times before, and she wants to take things really slowly and not pursue you, and not have sex with you, until she is feeling more secure about you. Not saying I know this for sure, but, a lot of women start acting this way after getting too serious too fast and always getting dumped by guys who she thought loved her. They realize they shouldn't push too hard or act too eager, because they have scared guys away before in the past. As a woman, it really sucks to have a guy pursue you, then when you are ready to get more serious, the guy backs away. It is possible she is trying to avoid that from happening. If you really like her, then just be patient. And keep the lines of communication open. Let her know that you aren't going to dump her as soon as you have sex with her.
Author asuman Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 My take, is that she has been hurt too many times before, and she wants to take things really slowly and not pursue you, and not have sex with you, until she is feeling more secure about you. Not saying I know this for sure, but, a lot of women start acting this way after getting too serious too fast and always getting dumped by guys who she thought loved her. They realize they shouldn't push too hard or act too eager, because they have scared guys away before in the past. As a woman, it really sucks to have a guy pursue you, then when you are ready to get more serious, the guy backs away. It is possible she is trying to avoid that from happening. If you really like her, then just be patient. And keep the lines of communication open. Let her know that you aren't going to dump her as soon as you have sex with her. Well, you actually nailed it, Cloudberry. We had a specific conversation during our very last date, as a matter of fact, in which she told me the following story: In her 20s, she had a 3-month whirlwind relationship in which both of them were talking about getting married and everything, and one day the guy dumped her. She said it took her "years" to get over that. (Which shocked me to hear). And since then she's never had another serious relationship at all. (Which also shocked me to hear). So, I actually already knew that this was the background story to what's going on with her (unlike you, who simply predicted it). The problem for me is that I have no way of knowing the difference between her being cautious and her being uninterested, when she chooses to behave this way. It's wrong, on her part, but I guess that if I want her (and oh, I do) I have to take the major risk of assuming it's just caution.
loser101 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 in my experience when someone has communication issues and it doesn't seem to get better, you should run to the hills. it doesn't matter how much she likes you, it doesn't sound like she would ever be able to give you what you need. who wants to be with someone when you have to keep guessing what the other person wants? it shouldn't be this hard, relationships are difficult enough as it is
Author asuman Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 in my experience when someone has communication issues and it doesn't seem to get better, you should run to the hills. it doesn't matter how much she likes you, it doesn't sound like she would ever be able to give you what you need. who wants to be with someone when you have to keep guessing what the other person wants? it shouldn't be this hard, relationships are difficult enough as it is Good point. I think I'm willing to wait it out and see how this plays out first, though. I don't go gaga over girls in this manner very often.
Author asuman Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 I couldn't go through with it. Couldn't go through with the plan to "stay positive", be lighthearted, warm, funny. After about a week of not hearing from her, I decided I'd have a fairly casual conversation with her yesterday just to say, "Hey, we haven't talked in a while, I just wanted to see where things stood at the moment." So I sent her a text message earlier yesterday saying simply, "Do you have a few mins to talk later tonight?" Her response: "I'm actually on a road trip through the weekend, and then I have company until Tuesday." That's it. Nothing else. Kind of hard to stay positive in the face of such a lack of enthusiasm on her part. I can't even reach her for the purpose of breaking this all off, which as far as she knows may be the reason I'm calling (and I think she may suspect as much). So, some of my friends have convinced me, for the time being, to just let her go and not even bother following up to all of this. Just walk away. If she was remotely interested in me, she would want to call me during her road trip. Or even if not that, she will call me anyway next week when her guest is gone. Meanwhile, I am not to wait around for her. So, that's what I'm doing. Letting her go. And I'm greatly saddened by this outcome. If anyone has anything positive to say about the situation, please chime in.
hanna1973 Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 the exact same thing happened to me!!!!! and your exactly right! your are so into her, you get insecure cuz shes not contacting you as often as you'd like and so you pull back so she doesnt think your needy right? i did too. but then we resent them a bit because no matter what you do it seems your not getting the desire, need, want from her as you feel for her. well listen, i dont know what the outcome for you will be, but so far i think you have done the right thing. because i did the opoosite, i got frustrated, so when he did eventually text me or whatever i would have asked him directly 'when were you thinking of arranging to meet me again?' or texts like... im lucky even getting a reply from you these days never mind 2 in a row etc. stuff like that. in other words i became bitchy, needy, made myself look pathetic until one day when i was at my usual antics again he said, what do you want me to do, give up my friends, family, job etc? gettin really defensive but it wasnt what i ment. you know what i mean dont you i felt it too. so to get to the point here, he ended it with me saying maybe i need someone who has less committments etc. and nothing he does makes me happy etc. so please please think it thru before you do anything hasty. but what i did was i searched the internet about how to get your ex back and have read a few books on it and it seems that if they are pulling away, then what you need to do is 'THE SAME' its like tug of war. let her feel what its like to miss you, i know its hard but it supposed to work 90% of the time. dont contact her for 3 weeks at least. you may find that she will contact you within that time cuz now you have her wondering about you. hope all goes well, keep your dignity and play it cool please. dont do what i did! im on my first week of no contact and its killing me but its either that or continue to make a fool of yourself and get rejected over and over.
Author asuman Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 the exact same thing happened to me!!!!! and your exactly right! your are so into her, you get insecure cuz shes not contacting you as often as you'd like and so you pull back so she doesnt think your needy right? i did too. but then we resent them a bit because no matter what you do it seems your not getting the desire, need, want from her as you feel for her. well listen, i dont know what the outcome for you will be, but so far i think you have done the right thing. because i did the opoosite, i got frustrated, so when he did eventually text me or whatever i would have asked him directly 'when were you thinking of arranging to meet me again?' or texts like... im lucky even getting a reply from you these days never mind 2 in a row etc. stuff like that. in other words i became bitchy, needy, made myself look pathetic until one day when i was at my usual antics again he said, what do you want me to do, give up my friends, family, job etc? gettin really defensive but it wasnt what i ment. you know what i mean dont you i felt it too. so to get to the point here, he ended it with me saying maybe i need someone who has less committments etc. and nothing he does makes me happy etc. so please please think it thru before you do anything hasty. but what i did was i searched the internet about how to get your ex back and have read a few books on it and it seems that if they are pulling away, then what you need to do is 'THE SAME' its like tug of war. let her feel what its like to miss you, i know its hard but it supposed to work 90% of the time. dont contact her for 3 weeks at least. you may find that she will contact you within that time cuz now you have her wondering about you. hope all goes well, keep your dignity and play it cool please. dont do what i did! im on my first week of no contact and its killing me but its either that or continue to make a fool of yourself and get rejected over and over. I really appreciate your sharing your story, hanna. It helps to read it. I'll try and learn from your mistakes, which are also ones I've made before (and so have all of us). I am wary of keeping hope alive though. Doesn't that make it harder to let someone go?
hanna1973 Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 in my situation, i cracked up at the beginning and dumped him a few times, when i was acting the way i mentioned before. it got to the point were he has dumped me. i did a thread in here about it, and have come to realise that i deserved it. but it doesnt stop me from feeling bad about loosing him. i really liked him and wanted to make it work, but obviously we were on the wrong page, bad timing, i donno. anyway.... iv come to terms with my loss and as a last resort, just to make myself feel better in a way, i decided to try this mind trick on him which i read from 'black book'. il tell you what to do, if you ever decide to do it yourself and get some kind of dignity back lol but only if you use it as a last resort as all else has failed an you cant fight it anymore...... text this to your ex...... from her to him.... Yeah! i had a great time... getting ready now. pick me up around 8 ok from him to her....... Yeah! i had a great time too... il pick you up/meet u around 8 yeah? you can alter it slightly to suit but dont add anything more, keep it simple, dont put any kisses on it or anything like that. if you text this to their phone they might text back wondering what its about if so you text back saying...... oh sorry! that was ment for someone else but your name is right below that persons name. i sent it to you by mistake. either way weather he/she asks about it or not, you got them thinking all sorts!! lol and your not planning on ever contacting them again or at least for 3 weeks or so right? so what does it matter what she thinks, cuz she will never know, cuz shes not talking to you anyway lol see what i mean? believe it or not you may make your ex desire you even if they are trying to avoid you because now they will think you've moved on, maybe seeing someone else you name it!! lol but if all else fails you got some dignity back right?!! well i sent it yesturday...... il let you know if anything comes of it, but to be honest i think my chances are slim to nil, but we live and learn..... sighh....
Jagdpanther Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 in my experience when someone has communication issues and it doesn't seem to get better, you should run to the hills. it doesn't matter how much she likes you, it doesn't sound like she would ever be able to give you what you need. who wants to be with someone when you have to keep guessing what the other person wants? it shouldn't be this hard, relationships are difficult enough as it isthat is so well said. I too have just come through similar situation to yours. 3 month relationship, i was crazy about her too. She then backs off after few weeks, communication breaks down, like you slow to respond and not knowing where you stand or when she wanted to see me. Saying she loved me, then not making actual effort. Accusing me of acting like love sick teenager. I got to 3 month mark and snapped. I could no longer tolerate it. I was actually feeling depressed by her lack of commitment and poor communication. so please please think it thru before you do anything hasty. but what i did was i searched the internet about how to get your ex back and have read a few books on it and it seems that if they are pulling away, then what you need to do is 'THE SAME' its like tug of war. let her feel what its like to miss you, i know its hard but it supposed to work 90% of the time. dont contact her for 3 weeks at least. you may find that she will contact you within that time cuz now you have her wondering about you.hanna is right about this, after we split i had missed call from her one week later. She made some excuse about it being a mistake. Then last week, 4 weeks after we split, she contacts me. She then says things like , why did you not make contact with me ... Trouble is I have moved on. The last week has just stirred up old pains and emotions and it is clear that she her poor communication is still there. I have now told her to leave me alone for good, as hard as that was to do. so my advice to you is, move on, as hard as it sounds, find someone who is symmetrical with you, can mutually offer you feelings and connection. As said, it should not be this hard. For me, I knew she had serious baggage from her past and this played its part, she could or never would open up to me. my final advice is to look up push/pull relationships, you will see that what you are going through is because of this dynamic this is push/pull : But when the person we love doesn’t seem to (or we perceive it that way) want us as much as we want them, we lose that sense of security and our needs for reassurance for them intensify. This is when push/pull dynamics set in. What to do? Recognize that push/pull never works, it only intensifies unequal positions on both ends. Instead pursue mutuality. Remain symmetrical with the other person. Or if we are truly being neglected, we need to get out so that we can find someone else to have a mutual relationship with. Honestly the best way to get past this push pull relationship is to stop what you are doing and do something completely different. Get off the Merry Go Round in this relationship and that will change it all together. Once you stop being a part of this push pull behavior then that will cause change overall. Remember you cannot control the other person but you can control yourself, your behaviour and your choices. Choose a different behaviour.
Author asuman Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.
Author asuman Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 No contact for 4 days so far and I'm starting to waver but don't want to. I was supposed to call her tomorrow. I don't want to, because I'm always the one calling. I want her to show some interest in me, and why I haven't called her, instead of the reverse as it's always been. A mutual female friend in whom she confides offered to call her and casually ask what was up with the 2 of us. I said no, for now. Argh!!!
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