gramsbear Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Its her b;day on Saturday.Hes already told me hes going motorcycle riding with his buddy on that day. Just saw that hes pulled $260 out of his checking on Wednesday and he gets paid on Friday. Think hes buying her a gift? I hate this crap...
carhill Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Background.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137711/ Why not get more active here and utilize the wisdom on LS to move forward? What's the worst thing that could happen? Is your mom still alive? My mom will be 88 this year and has psychotic dementia and is now in a locked facility. Her illness played a major role in both our marital breakdown as well as my reluctance to D and I'm still relatively young (50). I'm now making those tough choices and feeling the fiscal and emotional pain. As someone who's suffered from the long-term emotional abuse from infidelity, I think you would be even more motivated. My dad died when my mom was 63 and left her a modest pension and their marital home. She had been a SAHM and later a caregiver for him (cancer). She learned new skills and went back to work, quitting only a couple years before her stroke at 80. Where will you be at 80 if you continue on this path?
JackJack Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Its bad enough that another person can cause one so much pain, and that WE can continue to cause OUR own selves pain by simply staying in a messed up situation. Here is my thing on this issue. YOU will always be in some kind pain or hurt as long as you're living in it. You may very well be effected by it even if you were not living in it, because of what has been done. If you were not in it though, over time you may be better able to move past it. BUT, everytime he does something with this OW while you're living with him, its almost like pouring salt into an open wound, its an in your face kind of deal. I hate this is going on for you. I really wish you luck in whatever you decide, but only YOU can make this choice.
JackJack Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Do you think Im just being paranoid? Hard to say. He may be headed her way and maybe not. Surely you do not like living with this way. Constant wonder and paranoia (or not) about his whereabouts...that is not a life.
Author gramsbear Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Carhill...nice to talk with you again.We spoke alot in the beginning. My dear mom passed in Novemeber 2008. I am supposed to get her house and was counting on it,but my sister has a lawsuit against the trust,so Im now on hold awaiting the results of that. Until then Im really stuck and its eating me alive....
carhill Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 No, you're in the fog of long-term emotional abuse. I've seen this behavior in women much younger, so don't think it's your age. It's the environment you live in day to day. It warps your psychology. You will only see this reality when you wake up alone and face the day on your terms, with your goals and passions in mind. When they say it's like a breath of fresh air, that's exactly right. That's how my mom felt after my dad died, even though she loved him dearly. The effects of years of solo caregiving brutalized her psyche and it took a number of years (and going back to work) to restore her zest for living. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll get there...
Author gramsbear Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Jack...you are so right..... Im going to try and see the MC today....,but that wont change my being stuck until I see where I end up in the lawsuit....
Author gramsbear Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Carhill,again your so wise... It was easier when he was living with the OW. I knew what and when to expect...and had no expectations. This is so damn hard.
carhill Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 My dear mom passed in Novemeber 2008.Yes, now I remember you. My condolences on the passing of your mother. For some reason, you remind me of a poster on our dementia forum, but my brain has been a bit foggy of late. Sorry to hear about your sibling problems. That sucks, even worse than a philandering husband, IMO.
2sure Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I am a BS who stayed. Recovery from infidelity is hard,but possible, when both spouses are involved fully in taking the steps. Your spouse is not taking any steps to repair your marriage and further there are now 3 people involved in your marriage. People stay for many different reasons. I think my reasons were valid, but others might not. Its easy for me to say quite honestly, that I think you are out of your mind and should beat him with divorce papers, like yesterday. BUT, your life is yours - I dont know the details or history of your life or your marriage. So - if you want to stay who am I to judge? If you are choosing to stay, regardless of the third person involved in your marriage, you can still do some recovery yourself. First: DO NOT BE DELUSIONAL. He is cheating and wants to continue to do so. Your marriage is not going to be repaired. If he isn't willing to be faithful and you feel you must stay - at least acknowledge the circumstances you are in, the reality...and then: MAKE IT WORK FOR YOU. Take some control of your life. It is overwhelming to be lied to so thoroughly and repeatedly. To be told you are paranoid and crazy in the face of what you know is the truth. So, stop. You know what the truth is. Acknowledge it and know you aren't crazy. Thats a huge step to taking control of your life. It sounds like a huge part of your fear, anxiety , and emotions are caused by the financial dependency on your marriage holding together. Talk to a lawyer and protect yourself. You dont have to get a divorce, but you do have to have something solid to protect yourself. I dont usually feel its a woman's right to take everything a man has... but in this case , I'll tell you a secret: It IS possible to get blood from a stone.
Owl Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Tell him exactly what you feel, and what you suspect. Tell him that you NEED him to cancel his motorcycle trip with his "buddy"...and stay home and spend the weekend with you. This is all part of what he needs to do in order for him to rebuild your trust and love in him. Point blank...don't be afraid to tell him what you feel and what he needs to do. If he refuses...if he makes a huge issue out of this...then I would SERIOUSLY suspect that he IS still cheating with her. Here's another tack, and something to consider. What would you DO if you could PROVE that he was with her this weekend? Would that end your marriage? Or would you just be angry, but not take any real action over it? If you would USE the information to take direct action to resolve this...then you might consider hiring a PI to see what he truly does this weekend, instead of point blank telling your H what you suspect and ask him to rebuild the trust. So there are two options that I see for you...
Author gramsbear Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Carhill...not a poster on that forum,but mom did have dementia,and living here made it much easier for him to cheat,Im sure. Your so right.With the betrayal of my H family and now my sister,I feel so alone and unworthy,although I have done nothing to any of them. Owl,I am already considering your 2 options. Cant afford a PI but can put GPS in his saddlebag. I would rather ask him to stay home and tell him why. Yes I do believe I could end it if hes with her.Im emotionally done in. Im trying to see the MC today.
carhill Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Make us a promise to return here for support. I can tell you the group of mostly female caregivers on our dementia forum have been lifesavers for each other and many real life close friendships have sprung from the mutual support given and received. It's the same here. We're all people on the end of these keyboards. Hang in there
Owl Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Then tell him to stay home. Tell him why. Make it clear that he needs to prioritize you and your marriage above his outing with his friend...a good friend will understand (but frankly, an OW will not). Or put a GPS in his saddlebags then...and then show up at the motel if you beleive that he's with her. The ONLY way this is going to be fixed is if everything is out in the open. I can understand how you feel. About a month after d-day, my wife went to visit with her sister for two weeks. Her sister lives MUCH closer to OM than where we do. And, my wife's flight had a short layover in OM's city. It bothered the heck out of me. I told my wife how much it bothered me, especially given how soon this was after d-day. SHE found ways to reassure me. She called me while she was sitting in the airport in his city...and stayed on the phone with me the entire time of her layover. You get the idea...the only way we worked through it was by talking about it and coming up with a gameplan for dealing with things.
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Let him know that YOU know it's OW's bday on Saturday and if he goes to see her (aka going out with his buddy) he shoudn't bother coming home. Be prepared to follow through on this - As hard as it may be, your H needs to understand consquences of his choices and actions.
Author gramsbear Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Well I was totally wrong! He ended up giving ME the $200 for groceries...... He stayed home both weekend days,and took me for motorcycle rides both days. I hate this. How do you ever trust after a 8 year affair,a false R,and catching him just 2 months ago?
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