my situation :( (long post)

[nate]

Hey guys

 

I'll explain my situation to you. I just need someone to talk to about it, I'm in a bad place at the moment and think that getting some opinions and advice would help me.

 

I am 22, and I have just split up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years. We have split up 5 times now, some more serious than others. This time it was because I cheated on her, I kissed another girl on a drunken night. I felt awful afterwards and would never do anything like that again, not that that makes it alright. I didnt know what to do, so I split up with her by telling her that it wasnt going right, and that she needed someone to love her more. I thought this would hurt her less than telling her that I cheated. But she thought that i'd fell out of love with her, which I realised after a few days would be hurting her far more, so I told her what I'd done. Initially, she was relieved that she knew why we had split up properly. She phoned me and said that we should be together, but I was hesitant, thinking about her feelings again and wondering whether it was right for her. I rang her back after 5 minutes, after realising that I needed to think about my feelings and then let her decide her own, and told her that I still wanted her back, that I missed her and that we could work things out together.

 

She said that she would need time, but in the knowledge that I was still there for her. Time passed, and we were texting each other, and saw each other once. She told me recently that she has slept with someone else. I dont blame her for this, I totally understand why shes done it. I think mainly it was because she was using it as kind of closure, that she was in control of the situation. There were probably a lot of other reasons as well, but I think mainly it was that. I'm not being a p***y here, its just not like that at all. She's not the kind of girl to do this willy nilly.

 

She has told me that she doesn't want to get back together with me now. Not because of the sleeping with some, even though that has obviously affected it, but because of everything that has happened: splitting up so many times, me not trying hard enough and not showing my love properly etc. To be honest, I've been a **** so I understand all of this. I also take most of the blame, even though she says that I shouldn't and that its not all me.

 

I know deep down that she still loves me, she has told me this, but she says that the 'need' and 'want' for me back has gone. I've obviously driven it away. I still love her more than anything in the world though and want her back. I thought the time we've spent since we broke up (one month) would bring us back together, but its backfired. I want her to give me one more chance to prove myself how much I love her and how much I want us to work together and how I can change. But she doesn't seem to want this at the moment, because she's afraid of the hurt it might cause her if it doesnt work, and shes worried about what others think. If only she knew how certain I am that I wouldn't hurt her again. This isn't about cheating by the way folks, its mainly about splitting up with her and not trying hard enough, not showing her the love I had for her often or strongly enough.

 

I know you're going to say that I should leave it, let her know how I feel and see what happens; if she does want you back then it will happen, if not then let it be. And your probably right. Also, before you say it, I actually know I can get over her. The major difference is that I really don't WANT to. I feel like I need to fight for this one. I love her too much to let her go. I know she still loves me, and I want to PROVE to her that we can make this work and I wont hurt her again. What should I do?

 

I also requested I see her one last time, as we split up on the phone. She was going to see me to tell me all of this, but I kind of pushed it out of her on the phone because I was all over the place and shocked etc. Is this a good idea? I at least need to hug her goodbye or something in person :'(

[Cinnamon777]

Really... I don't think you should see her again. It's just prolonging the inevitable. You have been on and off, up and down, and with all the time you have been together it just hasn't worked out. While you want one more chance to show how much you love her, it takes more than that to show someone your love. It's not just something for when you think you are going to loose her. What happens 2 years down the road when you are back in your groove, things slip, you are not showing her how much you love her??? You are right back here.

 

I think you need to let you. Take time to work on yourself and figure out what you want. See if you can learn about what love means to you, why did you not try hard enough, why did you not show your love??? You have much to learn about yourself and you are pretty young so there is much life yet to experience.

 

I know it hurts like hell, but you both will heal and maybe after time (months at least) you will be able to be friends. You have to think about letting go for now, appreciate all the good that you had in your relationship, and know in your heart that letting go is probably the best thing you can do for the both of you.

 

Keep writing here... lots of LS experience and support to help you get through.

[nate]

I realise that it looks like I just want to show her love to win her back, and then get comfortable again and the problems show up again. But I want to change for good. I need to change myself, and the way I think about things. But I want to do that with her.

 

I can't face losing the one person I love more than anything in this world. I didn't show her enough love because I think I have problems with showing emotions. But I wanted to work on this with her, I was aware of it and I thought I was getting better. I know no one knows how much I really want to change apart from me, but I don't want to lose her because she's not convinced I can change

[nate]

Its over. After talking with her, I know now that she doesn't want this to happen. And I still completely understand her, I've driven her away. I need to face it. I'm just having trouble doing that and need support. I don't want to be in denial but I think that might be what I'm going through.

 

I can hope that she changes her mind in some point in her life, I see nothing wrong with thinking that, but I also know I can't hold on to that thought and let it ruin me. Even though it is at the moment

 

It makes me feel sick

[nate]

hey guys,

 

I know that this is probably going to go unnoticed, but I think even if I document my feelings somewhere it makes me feel better, and a bit more rational...I dunno!

 

I'm meeting up with my ex tomorrow. She's made it quite clear that its for closure, and doesn't want to give me hope that she will change her mind. Fair enough. I'd rather see her than not at the end of the day. I think in the short-term it will do me damage, but perhaps even give me closure eventually, although I don't necessarily want it.

 

The thing that will bother me tonight is that the guy she slept with, she will meet out tonight. It's not like she's going out to meet him. She's going for a friend's birthday, but they've said that they'll meet up in town when everyone goes out if there both out. Although she's said that it was weird for her to sleep with him the first time, and that she probably shouldn't have, for both of their sakes (he's just come out of a bigger relationship supposedly) she didn't regret it as such. I think she was pointing out that she didn't feel this because of me, but felt weird and stuff because of how he felt (and I suppose him). I know that I should ignore this, take it as a sign (which I think the first time she intended it to be a sign to me that she was in control, that she had her own grasp on the situation, to prove to herself perhaps that she was over me), but I know that I can't deep down, at the moment at least. She has said that she doesn't want a boyfriend, because she's not ready at all, and meeting up with someone would be like that. She's also said she likes him as a person, so isn't going to pretend that she isn't going to speak to him or anything. So she shouldn't! I know that! I suppose I'm just being jealous, and quite frankly scared that she has got over me.

 

Part of me wants to text her and say that she should tell me before tomorrow whether she has done anything with him. Not explain herself or justify herself, just tell me, so I know the situation. Does she owe this to me as we were close for 3.5 years, or am I being selfish? I said it was just until Sunday, as we are seeing each other for the last time. I know its a bad idea doing this though. It will piss her off if anything, and also make her know that I'm jealous. A lot of me actually isn't jealous, I know that she won't look at him the same way she looks at me. But the immediate surface situation of it all does make me jealous.

 

I suppose I just know that I won't get any sleep tonight because I'll be worrying so hard. I have been coping a bit better today. I've had glimmers of hope (hope about me getting over this), and although they are just glimmers they're something to work on and take stock of. I just know that its not that simple I wrote her a letter today, that I'm going to give to her on sunday. The purpose of which is to make sure I don't forget anything that is important that I need to tell her on sunday, as I know it will be hard and emotional. But also to tell her exactly how I feel. So she has it for reference I suppose, when everything has settled down. I see it mainly as letting her know how I've felt and how I presently feel about her, and I have made an effort not to presume what she is or should be feeling, because I realise that is up to her. I'm glad I've done that, even if it is over. But I would be lying if I said that a small part of it is hoping to get her back.

 

I'm sorry. I know this isn't helping me. I suppose the best advice I'd like is practical tips on how to deal with knowing that the one you still love is with, or is possibly with, someone else. It just hurts that's all.

 

Thanks for the advice Cinnamon, Its not what I want to hear but you are right. I think I am beginning to start to come to terms with the fact that she doesn't want me back. Again, she has every right to decide this, I respect her decision. I'm just finding it unbearable, that's all.

[Leveller]

I am in a very similar situation and it is difficult but there is closure and there is CLOSURE. If you have built up enough positive currency with someone over time I am convinced that feelings can return but a significant amount of time must pass first for those bad feelings to disissipate. DO NOT think or act like there will be any immediate second chance (if this factors at all into your thinking) but apologise sincerely and leave on a positive note. Do not part on a bad memory or argument if you can help it. Just my two penneth.

[nate]

I am in a very similar situation and it is difficult but there is closure and there is CLOSURE. If you have built up enough positive currency with someone over time I am convinced that feelings can return but a significant amount of time must pass first for those bad feelings to disissipate. DO NOT think or act like there will be any immediate second chance (if this factors at all into your thinking) but apologise sincerely and leave on a positive note. Do not part on a bad memory or argument if you can help it. Just my two penneth.

 

Yeah I know this Leveller. I really don't believe any more that there will be an immediate second chance. I still hold some hope for another chance one day, but I won't let it eat away at me, or stop me from doing things. And I'm determined to not end it on a bad note. She means a lot to me, I need to tell her that. Better late than never

[nate]

Hi again,

 

Sorry for the constant posts!

 

After coming to terms with the fact that this is over (for good I don't know, but thats exactly it, I DONT KNOW) I need some advice on how to go about things.

 

I've read a lot about NC, its talked about quite a lot on here. I think it would help me. But I also know that my situation is different. I have split up with her on various occassions. I have done things wrong. I want to make it up to her. Prove to her that it will be different. I don't know whether NC is right for this? I feel that I wouldn't even be questioning NC if I had been broken up with, or if she had done something wrong. Its just such a complicated situation!

 

If anyone can shed some advice, or point me to another useful post or anything. I'm meeting up with her later today. I don't know what went on last night, I resisted the urge to try to find out. I don't know what good it would of done me. No doubt I'll find out later on anyway. I think I need to bear in mind when I meet up with her why Im doing this. To let her know how I feel, to understand how she feels, and to say goodbye. I just want to know how to take it from here, with the NC n stuff. Or should I just like contact her every so often just to let her know I still care, but Im still giving her space and time etc. Or do I make her miss me with NC? But that has so many complications due to the situation. I just want to do the right thing, but don't know how sometimes, story of my life! aarrgghh