chriztina Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Sorry if this might not be in the right place.. I'm new to this . I have been with my boyfriend for the past 2 years, and I would say that overall, our relationship is pretty solid. Recently though, we have become so distant from each other (sitting in the same rooms separately on our own computers hardly talking, sex life is pretty non-existent.. this is more of my fault though). I think that the distance is fueled by the fact that throughout our relationship, i have discovered a few MINOR lies & ommitance of facts from him; mostly involving past crushes and girlfriends. (I will admit I am a jealous person though, and I snooped around to find out a few of these things) But, he says he does this to keep me from getting angry (??)... even though it works out the exact opposite. I'm very much invested in this relationship and plan for marriage. Just the thought of breaking up makes me feel nauseous. Does anyone have any advice for me? Anything that could help soothe out the bumps in the relationship. If the lies were anything that would actually jeopardize our relationship, I would easily end things, the things he lies about are so minuscule... like having an old girlfriend over to his family's house for dinner. Just very minor things. I do not want to end things, I'm just very confused and need some unbiased opinions and advice. Thank you all for any help you may give me, and for reading my long post! LOL. EDIT: I should also say that I do trust him.. it's just getting harder to do so.
oscakool Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Hi chriztina! My advice for you is that you Don't fall into the snooping around girlfriend trap. That's equivalent of a creepy dude that won't leave you alone at a party. And we both know that's not attractive at all. Be careful with how this is going. If you guys are gonna be distant like that, don't be surprised if he ends up breaking up, especially if he knows he can get other girls. You gotta start getting close to him again and start trusting him. It's obvious you have trust issues with him. He doesn't have to tell you about every ex-gf. He doesn't have to tell you who he's hanging out with. Stop expecting him to tell you everything. You just need to trust that he's being faithful. If you don't trust him, he will leave you sooner than later. If my girlfriend started asking me if I was hanging with an ex, I would break up with her, and she knows this. Trust is #1 in any relationship. Sex is #2.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 If my girlfriend started asking me if I was hanging with an ex, I would break up with her, and she knows this. I was with you all the way up to this. Are you serious? Your CURRENT GF could not ask a simple question about if you were hanging out with your EX GF while you were dating your CURRENT GF without you dumping her? Gees. Sounds overly-sensitive to me. Besides - if you were truly trustworthy, IMO, you would be upfront and have already TOLD her so she wouldn't have to ask. Man - I'd feel like I was walking on eggshells around you. I could understand if you said you were hanging out with your ex and the first question out of your GF's mouth is, "Oh, so did you **** her?" THEN I'd be upset in your shoes. But goodness...I think hanging with an ex while being in a committed relationship is grey area - the current SO deserves to know about it. If it was perfectly innocent, I don't see any reason to hide it. Are you similarly covert about having hung out with a family member? Soooo...onto the OP. These lies...were they all about things that happened in the past? Because that's what I originally made it out to be in my mind, but after reading the above post, I wonder. He brought his ex-gf over to his parent's house for dinner while you two are dating?? That's odd. What was the reason? Now - I can't say I blame him for not being honest if you're just going to get upset with him. Have you given him reason to believe this is the case? Or was this from a past relationship? Because I'm of the mind that if somebody screws up (or even if they DIDN'T, really, they just THINK they did), but they come clean to me, depending on the transgression, it usually defuses any problem I would have had with what they did. If he isn't even giving you a CHANCE with the truth and instead decides to hide it by default, then that's not fair on his part. I don't understand why he would expect to be trusted 100%, but doesn't choose to trust YOU. You could sit him down, explain how important the truth is to you...and that you'll be a whole lot less likely to be upset at all if he'd just be upfront first. If he won't give you a chance, then is this really worth it? My XH was into lying and omissions. I HATED it. He never got the concept of coming clean. Instead I usually found out WAY after the fact as to what was going on and would be IRATE - more about the lie than the original transgression. Lying about it just adds insult to injury. Now...if these were things in past relationships, before you two got together, then I'm going to have to tell you that it's none of your business. He shouldn't have to answer for himself/his life before you came into it. If it's going to cause fights, then just drop it. Jealousy in any form (but especially retroactive) is not attractive. I'm not entirely clear on the whole situation, but maybe try sitting him down and seeing if you two can start with a clean slate. No lies on his part (you will forgive and forget) and no snooping/jealousy/anger on your part (he has to agree to forgive and forget, as well). If you can work on this together and come to a solution/compromise, then the future bodes well for a LTR. Good luck.
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