onlymycowboy Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Hi , I have looked many places for a forum for support ..I am currently involved with MM , I do struggle off and on with whether or not to end..for the most part the R is good , but there are things that I have a hard time dealing with . Hoping to find other women in my situation who may lend support ,ideas for coping , and possibly making decision to end at some point. A brief "snapshot" of our R , it began one year ago , he is in early 50's I am 43 , he is M , obviously, and I am single ( was married , divorced husband 5 years ago ) He has one grown daughter , not his wifes child and his W has one grown son , not MM child. They have no kids together. They are both actively involved with their three grandkids by Ws son... MM is stable financially and emotionally , but is unhappy at home due to his feeling that he and W have grown distant and he is somewhat resentful of the M to begin with as he really did not want it in first place. I have kids also ..umm not sure what else to say , I love him dearly , and he says he loves me too , I believe it , but also feel that he cannot now nor will ever be able to give me what I need , partly due to issues not related to his being M...at the same time, he brings something to my life that I value greatly and do not want to give up.... go back and forth between , " this is fine for now , i am ok with it" and " i want so much more but it means not being with him"...so anyway , hello to all.....
noforgiveness Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 lol did not want to get married in the first place is right out of the married man handbook. Normally they have the excuse that the wife is pregnant though. So why did he get married if he didn't want to? Did she put a gun to his head? Think with your head for a minute and not your heart. You are his second choice or he would leave. It's that simple. Get on with your life. Dump him. If he loves you he will leave his marriage when you tell him you simply can not stand for being second best in his life. Actions not words. His actions are he goes home to his wife every night. You deserve more and I think you know that.
2sure Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Only - To carry on a relationship with a MM, especially when you are single there are 2 truths you have to face and accept: 1. He is with you in particular because you are at a vulnerable point in your life and you are available to him. Period. Those things can mean a lot to you or not matter at all - But you do have to KNOW this. 2. You are an option to him. Do not make him more than that to you. Don't let the justifications about his wife and marriage even come up in conversation because they are not reasons for anything, they explain nothing, true or not - they are justifications for him and thats all. Don't make the mistake of reading between the lines, hoping he changes his mind, or think you are competing/comparing with his wife in any way. You are in a completely different compartment in his life. When he leaves your bed, you should stop thinking about him at all. If those things are impossible for you to do, then this is not something you are capable of handling in your life.
Shadowcat Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 A word of warning: Many people here on the forum, mostly betrayed spouses, are not kind to those of us still in affairs. They only see one way to cope with our problem: non contact. Maybe they are right, I haven't reached that point yet though. I am still trying to cope within the relationship with my MM.
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 but is unhappy at home due to his feeling that he and W have grown distant and he is somewhat resentful of the M to begin with as he really did not want it in first place If this is true, why hasn't he divorced his wife? Why stay with a woman that he has no children with? Think about it.. Your truth is what you believe, what he's told you, but reality is something different. If/when his wife finds out about you and the affair, more than likely he will choose his marriage. If he is so unhappy, why isn't he doing something other than cheating, having an affair? All that does is keep HIM happy as he now has TWO women to meet all his needs. The longer this goes on, the more you're going to want and he can't offer much to you. Only on his terms, his frame time.
jwi71 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 MM is stable financially and emotionally , but is unhappy at home due to his feeling that he and W have grown distant and he is somewhat resentful of the M to begin with as he really did not want it in first place. OP, I'm sorry to say this but he's lying. He married her because he WANTED to plain and simple. No one gets married to someone if they "don;t really want it in the first place". Do you see the lie? The justification to keep YOU in the A. He obviously isn't staying for his kids or financial reasons. So he stays out of choice. More than likely he likes you both and everything you provide and everything his W provides. but also feel that he cannot now nor will ever be able to give me what I need , partly due to issues not related to his being M...at the same time, he brings something to my life that I value greatly and do not want to give up....And what does he bring into your life? What need does he fill part time? What is it you do not want to give up? Fear drives you now. You are both afraid to hold on and afraid to let go...all while being unsatisfied with the "status quo".... go back and forth between , " this is fine for now , i am ok with it" and " i want so much more but it means not being with him"...so anyway , hello to all.....When you say "I want so much more but it means not being with him" I think its the most honest thing I've read on LS in a long while. You already KNOW how this ends. You already KNOW he isn't leaving (and thus not so unhappy). So go. Walk out the door, don't look back and find a man who makes you his one and only...the brightest star in his sky. End all the heartache and confusion and self-doubt...it's all up to you. And to validate Shadowcat...NC. Just walk away. Good luck...the longest of journeys begin with that first small step.
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 When you say "I want so much more but it means not being with him" I think its the most honest thing I've read on LS in a long while. You already KNOW how this ends. You already KNOW he isn't leaving (and thus not so unhappy). Unless you want to be the OW and are OK with that, then you need to accept things as they are. Nothing more, nothing less..But, something tells me you don't want to be the OW, you are sick of settling and being second fiddle. You've only invested a year, his wife has a lengthy marriage, a history with this man. It'll be painful and hard to break it off, but the payoff is, you WILL find love with someone else and have everything 24/7, and not have to share another man with his wife.
norajane Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 but is unhappy at home due to his feeling that he and W have grown distant and he is somewhat resentful of the M to begin with as he really did not want it in first place. Even if this were true, which is debatable, the only thing you're doing by being in this affair with him is enabling him to stay married. If he's unhappy, you're making his life happier, so he can stay married with you as his outlet, his support, his escape. Take your support away, stop being his escape, and he just might have to make a decision about whether he is unhappy and resentful enough to divorce...or if that was just a line to reel you in and keep you hooked and hopeful.
Full Of Hope Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I love him dearly , and he says he loves me too , I believe it , but also feel that he cannot now nor will ever be able to give me what I need , partly due to issues not related to his being M...at the same time, he brings something to my life that I value greatly and do not want to give up.... I am also about a year into my R. What keeps me going is the fact that he is perfect for me in every way. I can't think of one thing I would change about him, except that he's married of course ...but other than that...yeah...there's nothing. I'm not sure it would be worth it if this weren't the case. Being the OW is definitely not an easy position to be in...and I wouldn't put myself through this hell if he wasn't definitely "the one". Sooo....is he "the one" for you? Do you really feel that he can't give you what you need?
fooled once Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I have to agree with so many others but is unhappy at home due to his feeling that he and W have grown distant and he is somewhat resentful of the M to begin with as he really did not want it in first place. No one HAS to get married. That is a line. And if he is so unhappy, why doesn't he divorce her? He obviously stays married because he wants to. And Shadowcat, was this necessary? A word of warning: Many people here on the forum, mostly betrayed spouses, are not kind to those of us still in affairs. They only see one way to cope with our problem: non contact. Maybe they are right, I haven't reached that point yet though. I am still trying to cope within the relationship with my MM. I am not a betrayed spouse and I am against affairs because in my mind, they are morally wrong. I won't support any woman who thinks being in one is good for her; good for her life or good for her psyche. I think it was wrong of you to tell a new person to not expect people to be kind to her. Once again, support comes in various forms; and many of us want to stop heartache from happening because 9 times out of 10, affairs do NOT work out and there is heartache. You may not like the advice you got; but you posted your story here for everyone to read. Just remember, when you post on an internet site, you may not always like the advice you get and that doesn't mean people aren't kind. Means they disagree with what you are doing (sleeping with and having an affair with someone else's spouse). They try to give advise. take what you need and leave the rest. As for the OP of this thread; my advice -- stay if you want; but remember, he is married and according to what you wrote, sounds like he plans to stay married. So you can accept that you will always be getting leftovers and you will not be his top priority, or you can get out and have memories.
Gamine Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 He has to lead you to believe he is there against his will, otherwise how could you justify him being with his wife and not you? The part that has to bother you is not really knowing what sort of life he is actually living with his wife. MM lead two lives. Double lives. No matter what he tells you he is still a man and his wife is still a woman and no matter how distant he claims he is from her they probably share a bed every night. There is a whole lot of sharing going on there even if it is the mundane sort of things. If anything that is what would really get under my skin. It would bother me to know that the man I am sleeping with is sleeping with someone else. I am sure his wife feels the same. You found someone you want, but unless and until he isn't married to someone else anymore you can't really have him. You have the timeshare. No home ownership. Look at it this way... maybe this romance rekindled something inside of you. Now, before it goes bad and you loose this good place... go find someone new and build something really wonderful.
Author onlymycowboy Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Hi , never said he was there against his will, I said he really didnt want to get married, and he didnt really want to , but he did , for various reasons...thats not really the point..I know the reasons why he did , and understand them . I have no expectations of his getting divorced and he does not lie about his intentions. At this point he has no intention of getting divorced. I dont think I would want him to , at least not because of us , that would be the wrong reason. As I said , im ok with the way things are for the most part. He is good to me, does not bash his wife , we have a good realationship . Obviously it would be nie if he were single as there are many challenges being involved with MM . I thought this forum addressed those challenges , and was geared toward support for those in R with MM ..clearly that is not the case.
norajane Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 What kind of support are you looking for? You didn't say or ask anything specific in your post, although you did mention considering ending things, and struggle with whether or not to end it. You also said the R is good, although there are things you have a hard time dealing with. Maybe if you identified some things you were having a hard time with, you would get more posts with suggestions on how to cope.
JMC Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 A word of warning: Many people here on the forum, mostly betrayed spouses, are not kind to those of us still in affairs. They only see one way to cope with our problem: non contact. Maybe they are right, I haven't reached that point yet though. I am still trying to cope within the relationship with my MM. And some love posts from newbies such as you...some spot a newbie post and descend down like dive-bombing buzzards, relishing the moment they can post their opinion of you and your life...on and on and on....same old thing. They never tire of it LOL.
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I thought this forum addressed those challenges , and was geared toward support for those in R with MM ..clearly that is not the case. Most people, including those in affairs, won't encourage someone to start an affair, or even help give them tips on how to stay in the affair. Most OW/OM want OUT of the affair as they want more, not just an affair relationship.. but also feel that he cannot now nor will ever be able to give me what I need , partly due to issues not related to his being M...at the same time, he brings something to my life that I value greatly and do not want to give up.... go back and forth between , " this is fine for now , i am ok with it" and " i want so much more but it means not being with him"...so anyway , hello to all..... I take it there's a part of you that's thinking of ending things? He isn't going to divorce his wife, believe him when he tells you this. Don't settle. ENd it and tell him to call you when his divorce is final. This way he can truly decide WHO it is he wants without you in his life.
Author onlymycowboy Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 sorry i didnt receive comments very well
bentnotbroken Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 The views of others is never easy. Especially if isn't what you want to hear.
jwi71 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 sorry i didnt receive comments very well What did you expect? You have even said he isnt going to file for D and you wouldn't want him to because of you (paraphrasing here). Having said that you are really limiting your options. You must either learn to be the OW or end the A. Which path would you like to take? Knowing this, I will do what I can to help you realize it.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 ..for the most part the R is good , but there are things that I have a hard time dealing with . Hoping to find other women in my situation who may lend support ,ideas for coping , and possibly making decision to end at some point. ..... I think that you didn't expect the comments you received because of the above... And actually there are many wonderful people who will give you the support you need, but they are often lurking... The best way to cope I found was to have my own life...I never waited around. I also suggest if you are in this for the long haul, which I gleam from your post, that you should enjoy what you like about your R. If for the most part your R is good, focus on that. DO NOT FOCUS ON HER OR THEIR M. Your R is totally independent of his with her. Focus on your R. There is a reason you are there. Are they good reasons? I think you and everyone else is getting bogged down with "their" R. You do not know for a fact what goes on in their M. So don't even go there. No one here will believe you anyway and they will use your vulnerability to get you to do the "right thing." If you plan on really staying with him also, I caution you from giving alot of information on the forum. it is risky for TMI reasons and I noticed when I posted about my R personally, my R in real life suffered. So I mostly posted generally to other threads and got support from like minded others in PM's. Just a little head's up, not sure if anyone else was affected the same way. What's good about your R? How do you see your future? Try to stay away from guessing what's going to happen. Focus on the here and the now and getting from today to tomorrow. There are those who will support and encourage you in finding what you want to do. Welcome! GEL
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