Nokia1446 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 WHY I DON’T MISS YOU The times you would delete everything from your phone and tell me that you loved me and to confide and trust in you, only to find out later you’d been dating somebody else behind my back. The times you kept me up at 3am wondering where you were. At work, working with your ‘boss’.. because you had neglected me all day… hadn’t spoken to me… and seemed all giggly when he was around. And you were working with him. The times he came to the house and you acted like I wasn’t even alive. How do you think that made me feel inside?And all the while you’d kiss me every morning, and tell me you loved me.. and you lived this giant lie inside.. and acted like you didn’t care.The time you came back after we broke up and said you wanted to be with me forever and how much you missed me. I put aside my pain, and my grief… only to find out a week later you had emailed him, and told him you loved him forever. The plenty of times youd complain or bitch about me not having enough money to cater to your purchases. You always made me feel inferior. Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? The times you were just mean to me.. when I’d awake at 6am to put the dog out, or id stay up til 2am cooking for you. Seems like I always did something wrong. Many times not even a thank you. The time I wanted to believe it wasn’t true. The terrible feeling I had that I was losing everything.. how you said you ‘wanted space’ just for a little bit.. that I should stay somewhere else for a few nights… only to find you had been talking to him. I wanted to believe that nothing was going on… but deep down the fear that ate at me.The weeks Id stay over but would have all my stuff in my car… because you didn’t want to see any of it in the house… So I had to go to my car every morning to get a shirt.. which was already all wrinkled. Just how highly I thought of you.. the energy I put into you. You were my EVERYTHING! How could you let me down? How could you hurt me like that without even caring? All the LIES…. Without any care for my heart and my feelings and my emotions…. AFTER ALL I DID FOR YOU… after all I thought about you… my every awake moment… a thought to you. You were my queen bee.. my princess. How dare you do this to me? I never treated you badly. I never hurt you. I never cheated on you. I was always painfully honest to you. I always put you first. I always tried to adapt to try and make you happy. The time I had purchased a new cell phone for valentines day for you because I didn’t want you to use a crummy phone… only to not even get a card back. I got nothing. When you left me you left me with an exorbitant cell bill… for a phone I never saw. I nearly had a penny in my name after you took money from my account. Which then you backtracked and said you didn’t. The INCREDIBLE PAIN of wondering where you were, or who you were with. And your laughing at my suffering. At times I think you enjoyed torturing me. I will never forget that. You killed a part of my soul, you burned my trust. You tore my heart. The time you said id never amount to anything, because of my terrible family. The times you would bring up his name, and the places you stayed with him, when we were staying at motel 6. And I spent my last 71 dollars on you, because you had burned every other bridge you had going for you. The times you’d show up at home with something new… that he bought for you. The times you said you would leave the job… but only led me on and continued talking to him. The time I begged you to stay because you were acting cold and claimed you were going to ‘monicas house’ and told me to write you a letter on why I love you. I spent all night writing that letter.. it was several pages long. That night you supposedly spent with him, and videotaped the two of you together.. and still called me and said you ‘loved me’. We were supposed to have a life together forever. Kids. Get married. A house together. You promised me. You wanted it as well. You brought it up. I opened my entire heart to you, and believed in you… without and guarding on my part. Only to be completely taken advantaged of. The fact that you have made me feel like im not worthy of anything, because I don’t make a ton of money a year. I lost the love of my life, because I wasn’t brought up in a wealthy family. Your selfishness, and shallowness has cost me my spirit. The times I spent in my self pity… pondering if I even wanted to live.. whats the point? Wondering how this could happen to me. Wondering how you could be so remorseless… and treat me with such disregard. Ive never been treated like this before by anybody. My human nature wants me to cry and call for my mother. I almost feel like a little kid in school that keeps getting poked at, and hurt, and doesn’t know why.
playlislay Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 This post right here nearly had me in tears. It left me wondering how often you expressed your thoughts to your ex, how if you had mentioned, for example, how much it hurt when she crticised you for not having enough money to cater for her needs and how that hurt you, whether she wuld have improved for you. I say this because many of us tend to hold our thoughts, feelings and opinions to ourselves, which get us nowhere in the long run. Lack of communication can cause the breakdown of a relationship which can then filter into the breakup-nothing feels ressolved, not in your head anyway. I think its is great that you have identified all of the problems from your past relationship, I really do hope that it helps you to let go of this person, no matter how much they hurt you. We all get hurt and we all hurt others, nobody is perfect. I just hope that you can move on. Chin up hun xx
Island Girl Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 You were so entirely right to let her go. Your list is fantastic and please PLEASE reread when you have doubtful moments about "making this work". You did nothing wrong. You loved with your whole being. She showed you many signs in hindsight of how shifty she is and how untrustworthy she really is. She is a callous, unfeeling, unreliable, cheating, lying sack of crap user loser and will continue to be until someone thinks of HER as disposable OR she gets tired of inflicting heartache on others and grows up while doing some introspective fixing. She can put on a great act and say all the right things but she doesn't mean them and you can not believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Do not be fooled again. Do not go back for more helping of angst and torment because that is all she has to dish out. She is that beautifully wrapped package that when opened reveals something dead and rotting inside. Do not beat yourself up for this. Try hard not to torment yourself with wasted thoughts about this piece of crap. You deserve better. You deserve as good as you give and you have A LOT to offer. Learn from this and realize that you dodged a bullet by not making this relationship "permanent" or having children with the skank because THAT would have meant she'd be a permanent fixture in your life. As it stands now you can walk away and create a whole new life without the loser or it's problems in it in any way shape or form. Keep yourself AS BUSY as you possibly can be. DO NOT have any contact at all. BLOCK her in every way you can. Do NOT respond to her tantrum behavior. Do NOT respond to her manipulative words or actions. Cut her out of your life like the tumor she is and allow yourself to heal.
Cinnamon777 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Nokia you are SO on the path to healing!! Amazing and very powerful posting, I hope it was cathartic for you and helped to release any lingering reason you might have considered staying. Clearly... she doesn't deserve your love as she never appreciated you. Take a deep breath... relax... you are free!
iBelieve In Symmetry Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 You are on your path to a long and beautiful healing process. Start with NC ASAP.
imani Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Wow. Just wow. (((Nokia))) That is deep. I wonder some times why is it that guys like you, and the female equivalent of you, always get screwed over royally by women/men like that. I hate that you have to go through that, but "going through" are the operative words there. You will get through this. Feel the pain in this moment, and remember it when/if you ever think of taking her back. And one more thing... SHE SUCKS!
nomoregummybears Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Woww. She sounds absolutely terrible. I don't think I've met any woman on this earth who is worth staying to put up with all of that BS. Move on. I'm sure you'll find a brighter future with someone who returns the love and care you have to offer.
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