Here goes...

[schewter]

Wife had an EA last spring and summer with an out of town client; I deserved it, I was pretty much ignoring her and our marriage was DOA...in July I came to my senses and began the arduous task of pretty much quitting every bad habit I had (and they were many) and throwing myself into the marriage in an all out effort to win her back.

It worked!

 

She came clean when OM was planning a trip to town and began pressuring my wife to book THEM a motel. She sent him an Email that morning telling him that she could not cross that bridge...there would be no coming back and her life would be ruined.

 

Later that day she told me what was going on...I was at first somewhat ecstatic because the alternative would mean that she just didn't want to be married to me anymore. As time went on. however, I found myself dwelling on what had transpired. I dion't condemn her for the EA starting and I can even accept that it continued to grow through July when we were still pretty iffy but I resented the escalation through August and the first half of September when she was offering a good deal of encouragement to me with statements like "I think we're gonna be okay" and telling me she loves me.

 

Of course, NC was a given...I had to watch her get past this guy over the next week; she did call him about a week later apparently looking for closure; he wasn't very nice on the phone...I had called his wife on D-Day and he was none too happy about that...he'd also been exposed as a liar to my wife whom he'd told he was divorced and staying in the basement for the sake of the kids. He changed jobs where he lived but still dealt with wife's company through a different sales associate.

 

Anyway, Christmas was pretty special...I went all out to surprise and please her...there were still some tough times as I was struggling with my obsession over the EA and in constant doubt about whether she had any contact with him...she said "no, no, no" and I pretty much had to take her word for it since I couldn't be over her shoulder at work. (secure office environment) I even asked her point blank in front of MC if she had any contact with OM and she said "No" That was in January.

 

We went to Mexico at the end of February...it was fantastic!! We really reconnected as a couple and things finally began to feel right. About a week after returning from Mexico the phone at work rings and I see his family name on the screen...it is his wife. She asks me if I thought anything was still going on? I tell her I have no reason to think so but I can't see everything my wife does at work. She's concerned because he's traveling through our city and has told her he's gonna be delayed about 5 hours.

 

I tell my wife about the call...I am glad his wife called because I learn that he is still with her (told my wife he was gonna make the separation complete in an Email the day after D-Day) and I also learn that he blamed the whole thing on my wife. (even though he is a serial cheater...former crack addict...real winner!!) Next day I am still feelin' pretty good about things and I tell my wife that if she has had any contact with him that she'd best tell me today because tomorrow will be too late. She has a possible other job prospect and normally I'd be all about her leavin' the place where the bs happened but this day I tell her that I will support her decision to leave or stay.

 

That night we go for a drive and she tells me that she had spoken to him 4 times since D-Day...it happened the way things do in sales offices. The sales person he regularly deals with was taking a few days off over Christmas and told him he could deal with my wife if he needed anything. My wife doesn't know this til he calls her to make sure that's okay...she's like a deer in the headlights. Her pomise to me was that if he called or Emailed her she'd tell him she no longer wanted to hear from him and immediately call me and let me know...she didn't. Anyway, during the course of this call he lies that he is "still looking for a new place to live" and that he is "enjoying clean living" (yep...12 stepper) and admits to my wife that he was indeed the aggressor...she is a very nice person and non confrontational so takes half the blame by saying she could have stopped it at any time...bla, bla, bla. He calls a week later (week between Xmas and New Years) because there's a problem with an order...she deals with it. Next contact is in mid January. I am in a bad way...maybe I sense something but I am threatening to call OM...my wife calls him to ask that if I do call him not to let on that she and he have spoken...when she tells me about this call I am really upset...now she's back in a conspiracy with the OM. 4th call is in early February...he makes up an excuse to call her just to see if her marriage is failing...she tells him that we are going to Mexico (he is indifferent to this...that was one of THEIR shared fantasy scenarios) he tells her that if things don't work out to give him a call...he's still interested. And that, according to my wife, was the last contact they had.

 

The day after my wife tells me this I call the OM and we piss for distance over the phone...my wife thought he was a reasonable guy who would in all likelihood come across as conciliatory...I told her not to kid herself. The act put on for the vulnerable women is often quite different than the one when you know your bs will be called...he is outright belligerent.

 

Now we are in a spot...I can't verify whether my wife has talked to OM because work is work...current economic uncertainties make leaving this employ next to impossible...she knows I'll never be good now until either he gets hit by a bus or she leaves that job...anyone got any advice??

[tami-chan]

Wife had an EA last spring and summer with an out of town client; I deserved it, I was pretty much ignoring her and our marriage was DOA...in July I came to my senses and began the arduous task of pretty much quitting every bad habit I had (and they were many) and throwing myself into the marriage in an all out effort to win her back.

It worked!

 

She came clean when OM was planning a trip to town and began pressuring my wife to book THEM a motel. She sent him an Email that morning telling him that she could not cross that bridge...there would be no coming back and her life would be ruined.

 

Later that day she told me what was going on...I was at first somewhat ecstatic because the alternative would mean that she just didn't want to be married to me anymore. As time went on. however, I found myself dwelling on what had transpired. I dion't condemn her for the EA starting and I can even accept that it continued to grow through July when we were still pretty iffy but I resented the escalation through August and the first half of September when she was offering a good deal of encouragement to me with statements like "I think we're gonna be okay" and telling me she loves me.

 

Of course, NC was a given...I had to watch her get past this guy over the next week; she did call him about a week later apparently looking for closure; he wasn't very nice on the phone...I had called his wife on D-Day and he was none too happy about that...he'd also been exposed as a liar to my wife whom he'd told he was divorced and staying in the basement for the sake of the kids. He changed jobs where he lived but still dealt with wife's company through a different sales associate.

 

Anyway, Christmas was pretty special...I went all out to surprise and please her...there were still some tough times as I was struggling with my obsession over the EA and in constant doubt about whether she had any contact with him...she said "no, no, no" and I pretty much had to take her word for it since I couldn't be over her shoulder at work. (secure office environment) I even asked her point blank in front of MC if she had any contact with OM and she said "No" That was in January.

 

We went to Mexico at the end of February...it was fantastic!! We really reconnected as a couple and things finally began to feel right. About a week after returning from Mexico the phone at work rings and I see his family name on the screen...it is his wife. She asks me if I thought anything was still going on? I tell her I have no reason to think so but I can't see everything my wife does at work. She's concerned because he's traveling through our city and has told her he's gonna be delayed about 5 hours.

 

I tell my wife about the call...I am glad his wife called because I learn that he is still with her (told my wife he was gonna make the separation complete in an Email the day after D-Day) and I also learn that he blamed the whole thing on my wife. (even though he is a serial cheater...former crack addict...real winner!!) Next day I am still feelin' pretty good about things and I tell my wife that if she has had any contact with him that she'd best tell me today because tomorrow will be too late. She has a possible other job prospect and normally I'd be all about her leavin' the place where the bs happened but this day I tell her that I will support her decision to leave or stay.

 

That night we go for a drive and she tells me that she had spoken to him 4 times since D-Day...it happened the way things do in sales offices. The sales person he regularly deals with was taking a few days off over Christmas and told him he could deal with my wife if he needed anything. My wife doesn't know this til he calls her to make sure that's okay...she's like a deer in the headlights. Her pomise to me was that if he called or Emailed her she'd tell him she no longer wanted to hear from him and immediately call me and let me know...she didn't. Anyway, during the course of this call he lies that he is "still looking for a new place to live" and that he is "enjoying clean living" (yep...12 stepper) and admits to my wife that he was indeed the aggressor...she is a very nice person and non confrontational so takes half the blame by saying she could have stopped it at any time...bla, bla, bla. He calls a week later (week between Xmas and New Years) because there's a problem with an order...she deals with it. Next contact is in mid January. I am in a bad way...maybe I sense something but I am threatening to call OM...my wife calls him to ask that if I do call him not to let on that she and he have spoken...when she tells me about this call I am really upset...now she's back in a conspiracy with the OM. 4th call is in early February...he makes up an excuse to call her just to see if her marriage is failing...she tells him that we are going to Mexico (he is indifferent to this...that was one of THEIR shared fantasy scenarios) he tells her that if things don't work out to give him a call...he's still interested. And that, according to my wife, was the last contact they had.

 

The day after my wife tells me this I call the OM and we piss for distance over the phone...my wife thought he was a reasonable guy who would in all likelihood come across as conciliatory...I told her not to kid herself. The act put on for the vulnerable women is often quite different than the one when you know your bs will be called...he is outright belligerent.

 

Now we are in a spot...I can't verify whether my wife has talked to OM because work is work...current economic uncertainties make leaving this employ next to impossible...she knows I'll never be good now until either he gets hit by a bus or she leaves that job...anyone got any advice??

 

I don't know how important OM is as a client, but if I were your wife, I would tell management that this guy is harassing her. And if I were you, I would tell this guy that you would call his superiors about him harassing your wife, and tell HIS wife this. Of course, he could also turn around and say, YOUR wife was the one harassing him. So sit your wife down and tell your wife your plans and ask that if there was anything she needs to tell you to tell you NOW.

 

By the way, I don't understand why your wife called the OM to warn him about your impending call and tell you about it. Does that make sense to you?

[Bryanp]

I think you are probably only getting the partial truth from your wife. She sounds like quite the manipulator. She calls him warining him of your impending call? I doubt it was just an EA. I don't see how you can possibly trust her.

[schewter]

According to my wife he hasn't contacted HER since that last call in early February...he deals with another sales lady at my wife's company and my wife vows to me that should he call her again she will definately tell him she cannot deal with him...she doubts he'll even bother now that she has twice come clean to me and he and I had it out on the phone.

 

<<By the way, I don't understand why your wife called the OM to warn him about your impending call and tell you about it. Does that make sense to you?>>

 

Sorry, yes, it was in the context of her wanting us to move forward from a totally honest point...she had to tell me about the 4 contacts she had with him and that just happened to be one instant. I see the problem...she told me about the 4 calls in mid-march...I didn't communicate that very clearly. The calls happened in December, Jan. and Feb...her concience got the best of her again...my wife can't carry a lie around for too long.

[whichwayisup]

It's you and marriage or the OM and the job.

 

She cannot have both. She has to quit her job and find something else.

[schewter]

<<I think you are probably only getting the partial truth from your wife. She sounds like quite the manipulator. She calls him warining him of your impending call? I doubt it was just an EA. I don't see how you can possibly trust her.>>

 

Appreciate your comment Bryan...if ya only knew my wife. 20 years together when this thing happened and never unaccounted for...can't even recall catching her in a lie. I know it never went physical because I know the one time she actually met him in person was for lunch at a coffee shop by her work...his wife verified this and also verified that he'd not been away from home prior to or after this day...his wife and kids were here with him and my wife was with me the entire weekend...that was in July and believe me, I was keeping a pretty close eye at that time as I was having suspicions. I was actually the manipulator throughout our marriage...never cheated but drank, drugged, gambled, and lied like a bugger to create the means and opportunity to do all three. I was asleep at the wheel...she told me six months prior to this thing happening that she "was lonely" "didn't feel like she had a husband"...I just didn't listen.

[schewter]

It's you and marriage or the OM and the job.

 

She cannot have both. She has to quit her job and find something else.

 

This is the fight we are currently having...it is a tough economy presently...she actually had three interviews since D-Day but none panned out...recruiters are advising clients to "stay put" until the economy picks up...I am telling her that as long as she continues to work THERE I am unlikely to get past this...it is like herpes, sometimes I can live with it and then it flares up...she has been doing everything she can at home to be a loving wife but I am looking for something significant professionally...she feels that if she left this employ it would be a step down and would greatly diminish her independance.

[Owl]

Are the two of you using marriage counseling at all?

 

I'd suggest it to create a "safe place" to work through and communicate about this whole event with someone present who can 'referee" and keep it productive and safe.

 

I would have the same doubts that you're feeling right now...for the same reasons.

 

At this point, you have no way to verify that your wife is being honest, and she's still working in a situation that would not only permit, but encourage contact with OM.

 

Can the two of you sit down and work through your financials to see how long you could last on just your income? Or what you could survive on as a pay cut for your wife? This way you truly KNOW what you can or can't do as far as surviving without your wife's current income.

 

You might check out "Surviving an Affair"...there's a lot of good information on recovering from something like this.

[schewter]

Thanx for replying.

 

We are going to go back to our MC and try and figure out a solution to this impasse.

 

The financials are impossible on my income alone...and for her I'm not sure that's the real issue. At this point I am the venus and she is the mars...she is being pragmatic and I can see her point clearly...what if after leaving this employ for something less we still don't make it? Then where is she? It is an ironic situation on so many levels...she has worked for three other companies over the past 9 years in the same industry...the economy was flying here and there was always a better job to be had...then she goes to this company which is pretty much the creme-dela-creme of her industry and this bs happens...so, of course my response to her lamentations that she likes her current position is "you should have thought about that before becoming involved in an inappropriate relationship with a client"...and so it goes, round and round.

Frankly, the OM isn't the most pertinent reason for wanting her to leave this company...it is mostly all the negative association I have with the place...I just can't get this s--t outta my head with her there all day.

[Owl]

OK..the "risk" of leaving this employer but the marriage still not working out is a calculated one...and a critical one. She needs to ACCEPT that risk as a consequence of her actions, and as one that she HAS to take in order to even give your marriage a chance to reconcile after HER affair.

 

If she refuses to take this risk...she's clearly telling you that your marriage is the LOWEST priority of everything on her plate right now.

 

That's not being 'pragmatic'...that's simply pointing out that she doesn't care enough about you and your marriage to make the changes needed to give reconciliation a chance.

 

If it's the "cold blooeded finances" that are being weighed here...do some research on what DIVORCE is going to cost the both of you.

 

Point blank, straight up...you are NOT going to heal...YOUR MARRIAGE IS NOT GOING TO HEAL...while she works there.

 

It really is that simple and basic.

 

Either she chooses to further her marriage, or her job.

 

I see NO way for this to work out any other way. Do you?

 

My last thought for you...DO NOT BE AFRAID TO INSIST ON WHAT YOU NEED.

[stuckinoz]

This is the fight we are currently having...it is a tough economy presently...she actually had three interviews since D-Day but none panned out...recruiters are advising clients to "stay put" until the economy picks up...I am telling her that as long as she continues to work THERE I am unlikely to get past this...it is like herpes, sometimes I can live with it and then it flares up...she has been doing everything she can at home to be a loving wife but I am looking for something significant professionally...she feels that if she left this employ it would be a step down and would greatly diminish her independance.

 

 

Everyone in here BAFFLES ME when they say LEAVE YOUR JOB!! or It's THE JOB OR THE MARRIAGE.........Wow - if it were only that easy. People, be realistic. With today's tough economic times, 2 income families are the norm. You can't possible expect her to just up & leave a decent job just because of an EA.

Don't you think that SHE can be a grown-up (yeah I know there WAS an EA) and handle this & still keep a good paying job?

I DO!!

[Owl]

I don't think that she can...she's already PROVEN that by having the affair in the first place.

 

And even if she can...this still does nothing to rebuild her husband's shattered trust.

 

And rebuilding that trust is VITAL to marital recovery after an affair.

 

Theoretically...they COULD still recover if she stays there. But this is typically going to remain such a HUGE setback and hurdle that the marriage rarely will be able to 'move past' this.

 

I don't say that her leaving the job is EASY...but I DO believe that doing so is CRITICAL for their marriage to recover.

[schewter]

"Don't you think that SHE can be a grown-up (yeah I know there WAS an EA) and handle this & still keep a good paying job?"

 

I would love to come to a point where I believe just that.. on a good day I believe everything she tells me and it all makes perfectly logical sense...her behavior is very indicative of a wife wanting to save her marriage and after having two or three "enlightening" conversations with OMs wife as well as HIS assholistic behavior I am convinced that there truly is NO CONTACT and both have moved on...she back to her marriage and family...he likely onto some other adventure in cheaters-ville. It's the bad days that suck...anything's possible on those days.