My boyfriend broke up with me............I need a male perspective

[CD111]

So my guy broke up with me two days ago. I didn't try to change his mind and have just tried to accept it for what it is. However, some of his actions just don't make any sense.

 

-Even the day before our break up he told me multiple times how much he cared for me and missed me when we were not together.

 

-He breaks up with me and tells me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but that I deserve someone much better than him because he won't be able to give me the life I deserve.

 

-That I am the girl he has been waiting his whole life to meet, but he doesn't want to be with me because he is scared of not being adequate enough for me.

 

-He still calls me "Babe"

 

-Still tells me he has never loved anyone more

 

For the last two days I have been trying not to contact him. He, on the other hand text me numerous times a day. Then calls me at night to check to see if my day went ok.

 

Last night I get a drunk dial call from him. Saying that he is completely lost in life, will never amount to anything, he misses me terribly and breaking up with me was the hardest thing he ever had to do. Not to mention he was ranting and raving about how ****ty his life is.

 

I wake up pissed off this morning and give him a call saying that what he did last night was inappropriate and that I can't be the one consoling him about our break up which he initiated.

 

-Then I get the whole you are the person I have been waiting for.....blah blah blah and to top things of he said "at this point you probably wouldn't want me back anyway". Followed by a few texts saying he feels terrible about last night.

 

Holy crap!!! I am the one that got dumped. I should be the wreck. Sure I am sad about the whole thing and truely him and I complemented each other well. I also feel a bit rejected. But, what are his motives? I don't get it!

[enavyblue]

Now there are two ways to look at this. There is assuming everything he is doing is sincere and truthful. Let's assume this way of thinking first.

 

Having been the type of guy who used to react this way, I can give you my perspective. It's different for everyone but hopefully this will help.

 

It sounds like he has some insecurities about himself and instead of dealing with them, he is breaking up with you because he has fully convinced himself that he will bring you down. Whatever is hanging him up, he has to deal with it himself. Breaking up with you isn't going to fix his problems if he is still in love with you. Also, most importantly, you have done nothing wrong.

 

I used to be this way until I went and saw a therapist and dealt with all the things that made me act the same way with girlfriends, friends, and family. I firmly believed that I had "screwed up" my life and that I was worthless and didn't deserved to be loved by anyone. I purposely cut myself off from friends and even family. I refused to even date any more because I thought I wasn't worth anything to any girl who would even consider dating me. Once I got professional help and really invested in it, I realized that all of this was not true.

 

Now, from what you said, I believe he does love you and obviously wants you in his life. Even with the way he's acting, you obviously bring him happiness but at the same time he thinks he doesn't deserve it and he's hurting you.

 

If I was in the same situation, I would approach it this way:

• I would think really hard about whether you want to be with him. Imagine if all of this insecurity went away and he was "fine." Is everything else about him and your relationship worth continuing?
  
• Set very clear parameters with him about contacting you. Tell him what you're comfortable with and if he doesn't follow it make it very clear that it hurts your feelings and shows that he isn't respecting you. If even through all this insecurity he thinks he's no good for you, then he's proving it by not following your parameters.
  
• Find a time to talk to him when YOU are ready to have a serious talk. Find out his perspective. Not simply that he feels this way about himself or how he feels about you but WHY. What is it that is making him feel this way. Why is he still contacting you even though he broke up with you. Also, give him a very clear perspective of how you're thinking. Tell him exactly how you are feeling and why you are reacting that way.
  
• If he can't give you a clear reason about why he behaving this way and only tells you how he's feeling, tell him to come back when he has really thought it out. Give him clear parameters about how he can contact you until you have this discussion again.
  
• Once you think you have a clear perspective of what you're thinking and he's thinking, think about if you still want to date him and he still wants to date you. Make it very clear to him what you think is wrong in the relationship. (In this case, it sounds like his insecurities are ruining his point of view.) Tell him that you will date him and support him but he has to help himself or there is no way you can continue with this.
  
• If you don't want to date him but still want to support him, make it very clear to him that you two are not dating, that you have a very specific parameters how you want to maintain contact, and you will only continue contact with him if he helps himself. Tell him that you care for him but you can't have an intimate relationship of any kind until you know he's taking care of himself.
  
• If you don't want to date him and don't want to support him after discussing everything with him, then make it clear that all of this ends and the reasons why it ends.
  

One of the things that took me awhile to accept was going to get help is not a sign of failure, it's a sign that you care about yourself and others enough that you want you to be the best possible version of yourself. Also, asking him to get help is not you changing him. He is still going to be however he was before all this happened.

 

Now, the other point of view is being extremely jaded and cynical: he's doing this as ploy to get you dependent on him and he's doing this on purpose. Honestly, it depends on how well you know him. Is he the kind of person who's done this before? I don't know him and I want to assume the best, but this is a point of view you have to consider. The difference between the two is if he is sincere, he's hurting you but not out of malice. If he is putting this all on, he's hurting you out of malice.

 

I hope this helps and be strong.

[minniezz]

Uhm this one is one hard situation,maybe he has something hard to say at the moment,you could talk him out and ask what its so it will be easier.

Thats all i can tell u so far.

[CD111]

Well I have definitely recognized that he has insecurity issues and I know that he has to work these out on his own. I am also willing to be his friend, but I am not willing to be his only support. After realizing what some of the major issues are that he has to deal with I have decided that I don't want to get back together with him at any time soon. Who knows what will happen a year down the road, but I am not going to be waiting for him to come around. I will miss his friendship because he has been my best friend but I really don't need the emotional roller coaster.

 

I have actually suggested therapy to him, because I think it would really help with his issues with his past. But, so far he has been resistant. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but it saddens me to know that I was rejected by someone who didn't think I was good enough for them. I know I will be okay and then after a little while i will be doing great.

 

Thanks for the input

[cabarc1]

Wow, ur ex sounds identical to mine and all the junk he said to me. We haven't been dating the same person have we????

[CD111]

at least I am not alone