Cora Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I don't know if you all remember the guy I was talking about a while back. He was the one I slept with on the first date and was afraid that maybe that was all he was after. I figured I screwed things up big time! We did however go out the next day to a movie where no physical contact was involved....only a hug goodbye. We talked on and off after that but no more dates because it either conflicted with each others schedules or just wasn't a good time. There was a time where I didn't hear from him for awhile and figured he just wasn't that interested. This is the same guy I became insecure with and asked if he was at all interested in getting to know me better? I have a whole post about that so feel free to read through my old entries. Again after that convo I figured I had really scared this guy off or either he had became less interested. Anyway, I told him I wouldn't be able to see him the following weekend either because I was going on a week long vacation and he said well once you get back we will go out. I get back from my vacation and I send him a text asking if he wanted to get together that weekend. He told me prior to the vacation that it was possible he may have to work on Saturday. He answers my text saying he had to work Saturday and Sunday and it just wasn't a good time so I left it at that. Today I get a text from him that reads......"Hope I don't work this weekend so I can have some you time." My question is does this sound more like he is wanting to go out on an actual date and spend time getting to know me or he he just looking for a repeat of our first date? He seems pretty genuine and it doesn't appear that's not what he is all about but I honestly don't know. I figured he pretty much had given up on me and that he was just using work as an excuse. Maybe he is only hald interested in me. Should I even agree to meet him? Could this turn into something other than just a FWB type thing or does this look like this is all he is after? I talked with him about it before and even though he told me he does not do that type of thing people lie right? I have a hard time trusting people. I don't want to keep bringing these things up because he is a VERY laid back keep things casual type of guy. Any advice? What do you guys think?
Soul Bear Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 sounds like he is just after a shag to be quite honest with you. Its quite a 'hungry' message..... If he wanted a date he would have been a little more sincere and and probably suggested just that...a date.
lora22 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I think if you don't want to be FWB then you need to make him take you out this weekend, and then not sleep with him afterward.
Soul Bear Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I think if you don't want to be FWB then you need to make him take you out this weekend, and then not sleep with him afterward. That was a much better way of putting it....
Author Cora Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Thanks! Yeah, if we do end up meeting this weekend I'm def gonna make sure he takes me out and I'm not going back to his place afterwards. I told him up front when we first met that I wasn't looking for a FWB type thing but I know I gave him mixed signals when sleeping with him that first night. I just have to make sure from now own I don't give off the wrong signals. I think once I refuse to go back to his place I will find out real quick what he is after or isn't after.
lora22 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I totally agree with you. That's really smart of you to not hook up with him if you don't want to be FWB, you will def. find out very quickly if he's interested in a real relationship or not. Good luck
oscakool Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 One of my strong points is my texting game. That text he sent you definitely comes off as creepy and needy to me. I would think most girls wouldn't like that in your current situation. However, I don't know the guy so he may just be funny like that. I'd respond with "what do you want to do?" and see if he even has anything planned at all. If he responds with "Hang out" then I'm pretty sure he just wants to sleep with you.
Lucky_One Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Your first and second dates were about a month ago, and he told you afterwards that he wanted to get to know you "a little better" and "yeah, you could hang out together sometime". Then you texted him post-vacaction, and he was busy again. Then he texts you mentioning the weekend, but still doesn't ask you on a date. Bottom line - if he wanted a date, he would call you and ask you out on a proper date. Expect what it is that you want. If you want to be treated respectfully and like a woman that he is interested in getting to know for a possible LTR, then expect to be treated like that. If you want to be treated like a girl who gets asked to hang out via text, then expect that. But it seems to me, that when you lower your expectations, then you get less than what you want, too.
Jilly Bean Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I guess I don't see the point of going out with him, when his intentions are pretty clear. I know from this you have learned that you can't go back to holding hands. So, all in all, a good learning experience, right? But, I wouldn't bother to respond to his text or go out with him, no. He's just looking for booty.
mortensorchid Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Simple. If you decide to see him this weekend (or whenever you decide it), then go out someplace. Then, don't imply that you are going to have a repeat of the first time. Let him bring it up.
Author Cora Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Thanks for the replies! I guess I'm just new to this and yes I was hoping he would want something more than just sex. As embarrassing as it is....he was the first person I slept with. I was a virgin before meeting him. Sigh....he was even my first kiss. I guess that's why I'm so attached to him. He knew I was a virgin although he did not believe me at first. I guess it's pretty hard to believe a 26 year old still being a virgin. You have to realize that I have always been and still am to this day an extremely shy person with low self esteem. I have huge social anxiety issues but for some reason I felt completely comfortable around him. I know I screwed up by sleeping with him that first night. I guess you all are right that it's pretty much all he is going to want from me now. It just caught me off guard when he sent me that text yesterday because he NEVER really does that. I actually kind of gave up on him because he was always busy with work. Before my vacation he wanted to go to a movie with me but he got sick and was unable to go. I figured since he wanted to go to the movie then he must truly want to get to know me/date me and not just want me for one reason. Maybe I'm just being naive I don't know. It just sucks but yeah I learned my lesson. Thanks again!
xpaperxcutx Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Thanks for the replies! I guess I'm just new to this and yes I was hoping he would want something more than just sex. As embarrassing as it is....he was the first person I slept with. I was a virgin before meeting him. Sigh....he was even my first kiss. I guess that's why I'm so attached to him. He knew I was a virgin although he did not believe me at first. I guess it's pretty hard to believe a 26 year old still being a virgin. You have to realize that I have always been and still am to this day an extremely shy person with low self esteem. I have huge social anxiety issues but for some reason I felt completely comfortable around him. I know I screwed up by sleeping with him that first night. I guess you all are right that it's pretty much all he is going to want from me now. It just caught me off guard when he sent me that text yesterday because he NEVER really does that. I actually kind of gave up on him because he was always busy with work. Before my vacation he wanted to go to a movie with me but he got sick and was unable to go. I figured since he wanted to go to the movie then he must truly want to get to know me/date me and not just want me for one reason. Maybe I'm just being naive I don't know. It just sucks but yeah I learned my lesson. Thanks again! Oh Cora, no wonder you're still stuck on him. You lost your virginity to him, that's why you're so attached. I understand how you feel, but you probably did jump the gun a bit giving him your first time. I'm not saying having sex with on a first date was bad, but the spur of the moment was what made you attached to him. What I want to know is, when did you start contact with him again? How long ago was it since you've actually been in contact with? Because if you've read my last thread on this forum, I recently had lawyer guy text me about seeing me again. He went from 3 weeks of NC to texting me out of the blue about going to the movies with me. The only thought I had was ulterior motives. So you might have to be very careful.
Author Cora Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Oh Cora, no wonder you're still stuck on him. You lost your virginity to him, that's why you're so attached. I understand how you feel, but you probably did jump the gun a bit giving him your first time. I'm not saying having sex with on a first date was bad, but the spur of the moment was what made you attached to him. What I want to know is, when did you start contact with him again? How long ago was it since you've actually been in contact with? Because if you've read my last thread on this forum, I recently had lawyer guy text me about seeing me again. He went from 3 weeks of NC to texting me out of the blue about going to the movies with me. The only thought I had was ulterior motives. So you might have to be very careful. Well we talked off and on before I went on vacation. He knew I would be away for a week. He wanted to try to get together once I got back but told me he may have to work on Saturday. Once I got back we were going to try to get together last weekend but he ended up having to work both Saturday and Sunday so it was a no go. He told me this Saturday morning. The next time I heard from him was yesterday when he sent me that text. I just wish I could take it all back. I don't regret sleeping with him....just wish I would have waited until I got to know him a bit better to see what he was all about. Ughh but I learned my lesson.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Well we talked off and on before I went on vacation. He knew I would be away for a week. He wanted to try to get together once I got back but told me he may have to work on Saturday. Once I got back we were going to try to get together last weekend but he ended up having to work both Saturday and Sunday so it was a no go. He told me this Saturday morning. The next time I heard from him was yesterday when he sent me that text. I just wish I could take it all back. I don't regret sleeping with him....just wish I would have waited until I got to know him a bit better to see what he was all about. Ughh but I learned my lesson. Okay. Well this is the most important question. Has he ever called you once during your entire vacation just to say he wanted to hear your voice or ask you how you were? I feel like all this texting is what's keeping you attached. He doesn't want to date you ( exclusivity) but he still keeps in contact with you merely, well, for what? You're allowing him to get to you with these mind games, and it's so frustrating. I'm frustrated for you merely reading that he doesn't even ask you out on dates.
Author Cora Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Okay. Well this is the most important question. Has he ever called you once during your entire vacation just to say he wanted to hear your voice or ask you how you were? I feel like all this texting is what's keeping you attached. He doesn't want to date you ( exclusivity) but he still keeps in contact with you merely, well, for what? You're allowing him to get to you with these mind games, and it's so frustrating. I'm frustrated for you merely reading that he doesn't even ask you out on dates. Yes! It is so very frustrating!!! No he did not contact me while I was on vacation but I wasn't exactly expecting it since he isn't one to contact me just to say hello how are you? The only time he would text me was to set up plans to meet again or either to cancel them. Oh and that rare occassion after that first night where he sent me that text saying "I can't wait to see you tomorrow." That is why the text I got from him yesterday was unexpected. I just don't know what he wants. I figured since we did go out to a movie the next day and because he asked me out to see a movie again that he did in fact want to date me. There was no physical contact when we went to the movie....only a hug goodbye which made me think he did not want to show any affection towards me in public. Which also made me think he only wanted a FWB type thing or whatever. But later he told me "you know you could of held my hand or something in the theater...I wouldn't have minded." Okay so now I thought maybe he is just shy. Either way it's frustrating and I'm not really sure what he wants.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Yes! It is so very frustrating!!! No he did not contact me while I was on vacation but I wasn't exactly expecting it since he isn't one to contact me just to say hello how are you? The only time he would text me was to set up plans to meet again or either to cancel them. Oh and that rare occassion after that first night where he sent me that text saying "I can't wait to see you tomorrow." That is why the text I got from him yesterday was unexpected. I just don't know what he wants. I figured since we did go out to a movie the next day and because he asked me out to see a movie again that he did in fact want to date me. There was no physical contact when we went to the movie....only a hug goodbye which made me think he did not want to show any affection towards me in public. Which also made me think he only wanted a FWB type thing or whatever. But later he told me "you know you could of held my hand or something in the theater...I wouldn't have minded." Okay so now I thought maybe he is just shy. Either way it's frustrating and I'm not really sure what he wants. From what I can tell, you guys haven't made it to the point of FWB, because he hasn't tried to bed you a second time. What you need to figure out is whether you want to continue let him tie a leash around you. He only texts you when he wants to go out and he only confirms his plans when he actually has a day off. So you see, he only lets you into his life when he has free time, and he makes you go by his schedule. Tell him that you're busy this time around, and see if he can reschedule. If he actually wants to spend time with, he will try to make plans. And make sure to get him to make SOLID plans, not " I might be free that day, I'll get back to you". This is the only definitive way to know his intentions without asking him out right what he wants from you.
Author Cora Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 From what I can tell, you guys haven't made it to the point of FWB, because he hasn't tried to bed you a second time. What you need to figure out is whether you want to continue let him tie a leash around you. He only texts you when he wants to go out and he only confirms his plans when he actually has a day off. So you see, he only lets you into his life when he has free time, and he makes you go by his schedule. Tell him that you're busy this time around, and see if he can reschedule. If he actually wants to spend time with, he will try to make plans. And make sure to get him to make SOLID plans, not " I might be free that day, I'll get back to you". This is the only definitive way to know his intentions without asking him out right what he wants from you. Great advice! And I have told him I was busy before and was not going to be able to make it. He seemed disappointed but would always say well next weekend for sure then. The next time we made plans was when he got sick and after that I went on vacation so it just hasn't been working out for us. Hopefully this weekend he wont have to work and we can go out. I really want to find out where I stand with him because right now it's not looking too promising. I am no longer contacting him anymore and making him do all the work. I want him to set up this next date all on him own and stick with it! This is going to be a real date and there will be no going back to his place afterwards. We will see how he reacts to that and I think I will have my answer then.
donnab5 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I dont think it would hurt to go out with him and see what hes up to after all if it comes down to it and he does want a repeat you dont have to do it Good luck Donna
Chocolat Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Cora, I'm sorry but this guy's actions are screaming "booty call." He replied honestly to your earlier question when you asked whether he wanted to get to know you better by saying you could hang out sometimes. He's told you everything you need to know. Don't keep trying to find the silver lining in his words or actions - it's not there. He's not a child, you're not the first woman he's known. If he wanted to date you properly he would do so. Stop making excuses for why he's behaving as he is and start looking closely at how he behaves. The sooner you see things as they are rather than as you want them to be, the sooner you can move on to a guy who truly wants to be with you.
Author Cora Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Cora, I'm sorry but this guy's actions are screaming "booty call." He replied honestly to your earlier question when you asked whether he wanted to get to know you better by saying you could hang out sometimes. He's told you everything you need to know. Don't keep trying to find the silver lining in his words or actions - it's not there. He's not a child, you're not the first woman he's known. If he wanted to date you properly he would do so. Stop making excuses for why he's behaving as he is and start looking closely at how he behaves. The sooner you see things as they are rather than as you want them to be, the sooner you can move on to a guy who truly wants to be with you. Maybe you are right. Maybe he does not want to date me at all. I guess I will find out soon enough. Seems to be my luck lately.
BCCA Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Maybe you are right. Maybe he does not want to date me at all. I guess I will find out soon enough. Seems to be my luck lately. Want to know 100% sure what he has in mind? This is what I would say to his text: "I may be busy as well, but supossing we both have free time, what did you have in mind?" His reply will make it crystal clear. To be honest, I tend to text people I'm not as interested in, while if I was asking for a date, I would call.
Chocolat Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Maybe you are right. Maybe he does not want to date me at all. I guess I will find out soon enough. Seems to be my luck lately. Hey Cora, I apologise if you thought I was being harsh. That's not my intent. It's just that I see you investing in this guy even though he has clearly told you that he's not reciprocating. You're trying to see/hear messages that aren't there, and you're making excuses for his behavior. The longer you do this, the more invested and hurt you'll be. Ultimately, it's not good for you, especially since you say your self-esteem is already low (that's another issue!). Yes, you made a mistake in having sex with this guy before knowing his intentions. That's a sunk cost. But the best thing you can do now is to recognize that and move on to someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Author Cora Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Hey Cora, I apologise if you thought I was being harsh. That's not my intent. It's just that I see you investing in this guy even though he has clearly told you that he's not reciprocating. You're trying to see/hear messages that aren't there, and you're making excuses for his behavior. The longer you do this, the more invested and hurt you'll be. Ultimately, it's not good for you, especially since you say your self-esteem is already low (that's another issue!). Yes, you made a mistake in having sex with this guy before knowing his intentions. That's a sunk cost. But the best thing you can do now is to recognize that and move on to someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. No I didn't take it as you being harsh at all. It was something that I needed to hear. Why sugar coat things? I want to know the truth not just what I want to hear. So thank you very much! I have decided not care so much. I worry too much about things and what a guy wants from me etc. I just don't care anymore and I'm no longer looking for a relationship. If it happens it happens. Right now I'm just going to live in the moment and have fun. It gets very tireing always worrying and wondering if a guy could ever see you as gf material or whatever. Life is too short and as long as I'm having fun hanging out with this guy that's all that matters right? If it's meant to be something more will happen. If not then so be it. He contacted me tonight and said he had to work tomorrow but may be able to see me on Sunday for a movie. I'm not holding my breath and if it happens great. If not then oh well. I find when I don't worry so much I'm happier. Thanks for the advice!
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