Text LD affair complete surprise... the first of more ugly surprises.

[fastdriver]

I'm new here, but have at least felt some of the dark cloud lifting or being shared looking at other peoples' situations. Not sure why I started a new thread.

 

Married 17 yrs, thought we were a team, thought we were having fun, altho' he never really wanted much physically (read: if I wanted sex I had to cry and break down), we still got along - I got past that hurt and decided if begging was one of two behaviors (packrat) that made me crazy, and he's a very Good Guy, that I could live with it. This is from the beginning. So mentally I got past it, have friends, lots of activities, etc - and live with Good Guy. He really WAS Good Guy. Just more asexual than I am.

Ended up with 2 boys with Good Guy. 13 yr old tells me he saw things on Good Guy's laptop (I don't have access to his laptop - never had - thought he was on ebay, which - he is/was addicted to - but I trusted him completely) "I will always love you" and that daddy was "chatting" with somebody, often, when I wasn't in the room/home. Son is freaked out. I freak out.

Confronted, yes, he admits, it's his old high school girlfriend (across the country, he said). Ok. I can sort of almost handle that, but ask him to go to counseling. Found an excellent counselor.

He begrudgingly went, but he went.

During counseling, he states that he has emotionally checked out of the marriage "years ago". And that he does not have any desire to fix it. But he wants to stay together "for the kids". Of course I am an emotional wreck, which - the final (2nd) counseling event he states that I was having a pity party - or - was it wallowing in self-pity - and he only came the 2nd time out of guilt.

Well, you get the idea. He will NOT go to a counselor again.

So. I live with somebody who does not love me - not sure when it started, so it feel like I want to scream LIAR and FAKER simultaneously (as long as I'm ranting, might as well go full out). My entire dreams of the future of happy family, etc - are - blanked out.

My next 8 years (youngest is 10) could be stuck this way?

We both work, have saved money, etc. - are very similar (passive personalities) - and there's no OM -- (are you kidding me! once is enough). In counseling he brought up a friendship I had at my job, 10 years prior, that was likely classifiable as an emotional affair. Which, of course, I can completely justify (it wasn't physical, and I wasn't attracted to my friend in that way) because it was a guy telling me a lot of really nice things. A gal likes to hear that on occasion. I'm an overachiever and to be met with nothing at home -- well -- the need exists to know I'm not a freaking failure. But to hold it inside for 10 years? I had no idea -- I talked about my co-worker at home simply BECAUSE we were not having an affair!!!

I guess it bothers me more that he never said a word to me about it.

Anyway.

What to do? I'm going one day at a time. Some days I am a wreck, other days I am OK. But what? I feel psychotic because he's carrying on, status quo, peck on lips goodbye as we always have, blah-blah-blah. I'm barely able to talk to him some times, certainly HAVE to with kid activities and to keep the peace at home with the kids... spend a lot of time telling myself what a jerk he is, but deep down..

I still love the guy. How do I stop it?

Do I ask him anything? I'm just - freefalling - with no floor - no ceiling - nothing. I have no idea what to do next. I just know that I'm trying to convince myself to hate him. And often times I do.

But is that how it works?

How do you move forward, out of the freaked out "I thought I was loved but it was a lie" stage???? Is everything he says to me a lie? How can I tell? Am I supposed to accept the fake Guy and become Fake Gal?

[TrustInYourself]

Stop trying so hard. You can't force feelings. If anything, start looking elsewhere. Be distant, involved with others, have some hobbies.

 

Rely on yourself. Build on yourself. Work on yourself. Go out with friends. Start working out, get in good shape.

 

All of these contribute to you regaining your self confidence.

[fastdriver]

Yes, I am a "try to hard" kind of person.

 

I already have too many hobbies, friends, run marathons and so forth.

This is what puzzles me. I'm not "needy". Probably the other end of the spectrum.

 

So - I already am not hanging out, trying to make small talk, or anything. But do I just "keep on keeping on"? I feel schizophrenic! !!!

[NoIDidn't]

So do you even want to only stay together "for the kids" like he's decided?

[fastdriver]

I'm not sure. If it's a lifeless marriage, isn't that setting a bad example? Will my boys grow up to think men should be distant?

 

I agree with - sorry - senior moment -- that you can't force feelings. That's a good thing for me to remember. I tend to never give up on things. But in this case, it seems that I should let go? Or should I be trying to invest time and repair -- honestly we hardly talk -- which was the case even before the chat/email stuff was discovered.

 

That big distance that comes in marriages where people don't stay actively committed to making it work.

 

But if he doesn't "feel like it" -- should I?

Is it a midlife crisis kind of thing? Will it blow over? I know you guys can't answer these questions, but, my mind is just on the spin cycle trying to find some "thing" to pacify itself. Classification.

Other men do ask me out, I'm not some slumpy dumpy person who's shy and inactive. I'm one of those outgoing friendly people who attracts people. Which isn't always a good thing!