Author confusedinkansas Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 So you didn't equate the person getting a ticket and thinking they deserved the ticket to a BS thinking they deserved to be cheated on? What was your correlation with that statement?...hmmm? No I did not. But can't say it surprises me that you took it out of context. If you'd refer to the entire post......... I was referring to how people react differently to different situations in LIFE. Not JUST regarding affairs.. While one person may think a ticket is the BE ALL END ALL of their day....Another person doesn't think it's as big a deal & figures they probably deserved the ticket, because they probably did something wrong in the eyes of the officer that gave them the ticket. Say illegally parking or speeding. Sheesh! Just used it as an example -(NOT that someone DESERVES to be cheated ON--which is a completely different arguement)
Reggie Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I think confused has made it pretty clear that she and her husband are among what I perceive to be a minority, that do not think infidelity is any big deal. If that is the case, her attitude is consistent with her belief system. I think it is good that she and her husband have found each other and this view is contained within their relationship. If either pired up with someone who places a great value on fidelity and sees infidelity as hurtful, they would cause their mate a lot of pain. But, both, apparently, do not place a high value on this in their relationship. SO, it works for them.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 I think confused has made it pretty clear that she and her husband are among what I perceive to be a minority, that do not think infidelity is any big deal. If that is the case, her attitude is consistent with her belief system. I think it is good that she and her husband have found each other and this view is contained within their relationship. If either pired up with someone who places a great value on fidelity and sees infidelity as hurtful, they would cause their mate a lot of pain. But, both, apparently, do not place a high value on this in their relationship. SO, it works for them. Where did I say or insinuate that I didn't put a high value on my relationship? Haven't ever said that. You, thru reading these posts, have come up with your own conclusion as to how my marriage IS & where we are in it. We value each other very much. We value our marriage very much. I just love how people in this forum take one sentance out of a complete post & twist it around to suit what they believe to be the truth. IF you would have read the other post from this morning - you would see that I have explained how our marriage is in a WAY different place than it was all those years ago. Because our marriage DID survive & we are many years down the road.....Could be why I have the opinion I do when it comes to affairs. I just don't think they are the END ALL of marriages. SOME people can't recover from them. We Did.
Reggie Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I got this from your response the viewing infidelity as very abusive was a joke. I inferred that you did not see it as very abusive or traumatizing and your characterization of your H's response to it is consitent with someone that does not think it is a big deal, either. I have no idea if you value your relationship. I just do not think you guys palce a high value on fidelity, and that is fine. After all you have bithe been unfaithful to one another and , recently, you were receiving e-mails from your affair partner but did not think it warraned notifying your H.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 I got this from your response the viewing infidelity as very abusive was a joke. I inferred that you did not see it as very abusive or traumatizing and your characterization of your H's response to it is consitent with someone that does not think it is a big deal, either. I have no idea if you value your relationship. I just do not think you guys palce a high value on fidelity, and that is fine. After all you have bithe been unfaithful to one another and , recently, you were receiving e-mails from your affair partner but did not think it warraned notifying your H. TEXT....ONE - Unsolicited! And I did tell my husband. If you read into things that I've said - thinking that infidelity was a joke - then you're off base. I never think or thought that it was a joke. Occasionally in here when someone says something totally off the wall...Yep I assume they are kidding around. But not the actual act.
Reggie Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Then do a little reading, confused. Mnay "experts" view it as severe emotional abuse. Look at all the pain caused to the BSs here on this forum, alone. The tell me if you still think viewing it as a severe form of abuse is a JOKE.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Then do a little reading, confused. Mnay "experts" view it as severe emotional abuse. Look at all the pain caused to the BSs here on this forum, alone. The tell me if you still think viewing it as a severe form of abuse is a JOKE. Again - Did not say that severe forms of abuse were a joke. You are so twisting everything I'm saying. What is a joke are some of the comments made in here - Some are enormously laughable! Comparing someone that has had an affair to timothy mcveigh for instance. Laughable! I do not take what I did lightly - at all! I do spend time in LS reading. I do know the severity of it. Some in here act the adulterer should be stoned to death! A bit primitive. That is what is a joke. That is the funny part. No one person in LS is better than the next. Whether you are the person that cheated - or if you are the person that was cheated on.
HsMomma Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Holy cats, kids! How did this end up as a written boxing match? CiK came here looking for advice/a place to vent about Affair Dude sending her an unsolicited text message & now we're at the point where everybody's taking personal potshots at one another. I feel sorta like Rodney King here, but can't we all get along?? I see this as one of those situations where everyone has their own view point (which is good) but people are trying to make other people see things their way (which is not good). Aren't we here to offer constructive (as opposed to destructive) comments/advice/insight, etc? Or am I in the wrong place?
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 HSMomma..I was kinda thinking that too. I am a participant...well, up to now. Just feel like I have to defend myself with them at every turn. I know it's not necessary, I shouldn't feel like I have to - Human nature I suppose.....but to a degree - the banter back & forth is a bit entertaining.
HsMomma Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 HSMomma..I was kinda thinking that too. I am a participant...well, up to now. Just feel like I have to defend myself with them at every turn. I know it's not necessary, I shouldn't feel like I have to - Human nature I suppose.....but to a degree - the banter back & forth is a bit entertaining. Yes, it is human nature to want to defend our stances/beliefs...I just look at some of the back & forth, though, and think..."now was that really necessary?":o
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I see this as one of those situations where everyone has their own view point (which is good) but people are trying to make other people see things their way (which is not good). Aren't we here to offer constructive (as opposed to destructive) comments/advice/insight, etc? Or am I in the wrong place? I did, I told her she needs to be proactive in nipping this in the butt and stopping it at the source...and not read any emails from the guy IF they come in. apparantly she didn't like those ideas. and she backpeddaled when I caught her on saying that the text message had her 2nd guessing her committment to reconcile.
HsMomma Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I did, I told her she needs to be proactive in nipping this in the butt and stopping it at the source...and not read any emails from the guy IF they come in. apparantly she didn't like those ideas. and she backpeddaled when I caught her on saying that the text message had her 2nd guessing her committment to reconcile. You're right, Dex - you did say that about being proactive & I agreed (and I think even posted saying as much) that not reading any emails coming in was a good, constructive idea. I was more referring to the last bunch of posts where it just seemed like everyone had gotten off track & the posts were more personal and negative.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 You're right, Dex - you did say that about being proactive & I agreed (and I think even posted saying as much) that not reading any emails coming in was a good, constructive idea. I was more referring to the last bunch of posts where it just seemed like everyone had gotten off track & the posts were more personal and negative. thats because it became obvious with her responses that she doesn't really want the OM to be totally out of the picture. She wants to see what he writes IF he writes it and is curious about him still, and THAT is why she won't head this off at the pass and nip it.
RunawayTrain Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 The OPs husband must be a real piece of work. How can he actually put up with her shennanigans? If I were her husband she would be out the door so fast it woudn't even be funny. I would then proceed to find someone who actually had character and some ioda of morality.
HsMomma Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 thats because it became obvious with her responses that she doesn't really want the OM to be totally out of the picture. She wants to see what he writes IF he writes it and is curious about him still, and THAT is why she won't head this off at the pass and nip it. I don't know that I agree with the first sentence, Dex. I don't think it's obvious that she doesn't want him out of the picture. I think it threw her for a loop when he texted her & she was confused/dazed/off-guard. While I do agree that she seemed curious about what he might write, I think that's just normal. I don't necessarily see that curiosity as an invitation for him to re-enter her life.
tami-chan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 when I found out about my H's infidelity, I landed in the hospital. One day ( while still in the hospital) I thought to myself.....jesus, mary, mother of god, HIS cheating landed me here??????????? is my self-worth that fragile? is my sense of self lost in his? Say it aint so, joe! From that moment on (my AHA! moment, thanks to my good friend, Oprah! ), I knew that I will never allow another human being to break me, that way. Sure, when I think I have been betrayed, I cry and I am "brokenhearted' but I am not even close to being devastated. One must learn to write people off....! How can anyone allow another fallible human being be in charge of one's heart (sense of self)? That's just reckless. Especially he or she already treats you badly? I mean, at some point if one allows the verbal, emotional and physical abuse to continue....well, i hate to say this, but either you change your response to it or suffer in silence. OP's husband does not have a fragile sense of self, I don't think. He is not consumed with the thoughts of his wife being with another man or being emotionally close to another man....to him...as long as they are on the same page and are willing to work on their marriage NOW, that is all the matters. I think, that people who have a strong sense of self or are confident about themselves-who generally do not have issues of insecurity are better able to handle ( forgive and let go) infidelity.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 The OPs husband must be a real piece of work. How can he actually put up with her shennanigans? If I were her husband she would be out the door so fast it woudn't even be funny. I would then proceed to find someone who actually had character and some ioda of morality. Putting up with my shennanigans? Morality? Really? Are Ya kidding me? Do you live my life? Nope. Are you in my shoes? Nope. Please do not judge me when you haven't a clue. I am obviously defending myself again - Stupid! Probably! One thing that keeps being skipped over is that - The AFFAIR was almost 4 years ago. 4 YEARS! You all act as if it were yesterday that he found out about this & should have kicked me out on my hiney! Quite a lot has happened between he & I in that 4 years of time. None of which I'll address here lest I be judged again. Just because I wouldn't "change my phone number, change my email address...etc" does not mean that I still want this man in my life. If I did - lord knows I know where to find him. I merely posted on here to vent for myself at a text message received from him. One I didn't solicit. One that totally caught me off guard. One I didn't respond to, One I did tell my husband about. Never in a million years did I think I'd be beaten down for it. He is not consumed with the thoughts of his wife being with another man or being emotionally close to another man You're right he is not consumed - because we have moved on past that part of our life. (4 Years) It is part of our past. Not part of the current or of the future. I think, that people who have a strong sense of self or are confident about themselves-who generally do not have issues of insecurity are better able to handle ( forgive and let go) infidelity. This would be my husband to a tee! (thanks Tami - couldn't have said that better myself) Thanks so much all of you who had good advice. Thanks too to those of you that didn't twist & turn every word to suit your own personal cause. And, finally, thanks to those of you who didn't judge & toss personal attacks my way Thank You!
pollswolls Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I think after reading this, & other threads, no one should come to LS to get a 'warm & fuzzy' review on what they've done in their life. But they also shouldn't be beaten down more by something that they're already asking for help on. I do think that sometimes it does go too far. On both ends. By the BS & the WS. Just My Lil' Ole' Opinion:)
Reggie Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Some people are more vulnerable to being hurt by this type of betryal than others. It has a lot to do with childhood abandonment issues, I think. Susan Anderson's book, "The journey from Abandonment to Healing" does a good job of explaining this. Bear in mind that people with this vulnerability did not ask for their childhood trauma. They were kids and had things done to them, often by people in positions of trust. So, it takes a lot of work and is an ongoing battle to gain a strong sense of self and look at the betrayal as something that reflects on the WS vs the BS. One thing that we often see from some WSs that may trigger this, is their natural inclination to shift blame for their choice to cheat. A BS is often fairly depleted by the time of discovery due to gaslighting, meaness that seems to be a common WS tactic as a response to dealing with guilt, and some other very odd and abusive behaviors from the WS. I have read hundreds of accounts from BSs and it is very rare that a person simply has an AHA moment so early in the recovery process. I also think that it is a very tough thing to let go of, this desire to trust another with our hearts and fell secure and many people having to live their lives protecting themselves. The ability to simply relax, let down one's guard and enjoy the relationship is severely impaired. Most folks seem to want their romantic relationship to be a refuge from all the stresses and insecurity we face in our jobs and dealing with the outside world. So, now knowing that one must remain vigilant on the homefront is not very desirable. I am dealing with this myself, as I meet and date women. I just do not know how to strike a balance between opening up and being vulnerable and protecting myself. It is not at all relaxing.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I don't know that I agree with the first sentence, Dex. I don't think it's obvious that she doesn't want him out of the picture. then it shouldn't be any problem for her to nip it, should it? rather than just ignoring it I think it threw her for a loop when he texted her & she was confused/dazed/off-guard. While I do agree that she seemed curious about what he might write, I think that's just normal. I don't necessarily see that curiosity as an invitation for him to re-enter her life. she originally said she'd read what he wrote if another email comes through, but she would not respond. hence, she isn't wanting to tell him to fek off. so not just talking about the one text, talking about her announced intentions IF another email comes...and those announced intentions say she wants to read his words...but STILL doesn't want to tell him to leave her alone.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 OP's husband does not have a fragile sense of self, I don't think. He is not consumed with the thoughts of his wife being with another man or being emotionally close to another man....to him...as long as they are on the same page and are willing to work on their marriage NOW, that is all the matters. but of course he isn't going to get angry....if he did, he'd be a hypocrite since he cheated himself. how stupid would it be for him to blow his stack about this when he himself engaged in the same behavior?...minus the sex. I think, that people who have a strong sense of self or are confident about themselves-who generally do not have issues of insecurity are better able to handle ( forgive and let go) infidelity. I think you are partially right on this point. I also think that people who have a strong sense of self and are confident about themselves, can also tell the cheater to take a long walk off a short pier, and get rid of the cheater and move on with their lives.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 One thing that keeps being skipped over is that - The AFFAIR was almost 4 years ago. 4 YEARS! You all act as if it were yesterday that he found out about this & should have kicked me out on my hiney! not me. I am full aware that your husband forgave you, although more likely because he had too, and that is his choice. But you also said in another post, that even though your husband forgave you for having sex with another man....that if YOU found out HE had sex with another woman, that you'd leave him. er....? uh? Just because I wouldn't "change my phone number, change my email address...etc" does not mean that I still want this man in my life. If I did - lord knows I know where to find him. well it really depends on your husband I suppose. And since he has such a laisez faire attitude about it all, again because he really doesn't have choice without looking like a hypocrite, then there is no reason to take steps to tell this other man to leave you alone....is there? But if you had a husband that was faithful, and told you, "cut all ties with the OM, nip this in the butt, tell him to leave you alone, change your cell# and your email".....would you honor his request then? You're right he is not consumed - because we have moved on past that part of our life. (4 Years) It is part of our past. Not part of the current or of the future. so after 4 years, you receive a text from OM, and you didn't feel compelled to tell him to go to hell? hmmmmmm....... not only that, after 4 years, you would want to read any future email, IF it comes, and not respond and tell him to fek off? hmmmm.......
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 not me. I am full aware that your husband forgave you, although more likely because he had too, and that is his choice He didn't HAVE to. No one has to do anything. His EA (which is still a "Maybe it was one") was years before....Didn't make a hill of beans worth of difference to me at the time of my affair - or after. But you also said in another post, that even though your husband forgave you for having sex with another man....that if YOU found out HE had sex with another woman, that you'd leave him. er....? uh? I did. And I also said - IF it happened NOW.....Now is a different time & place. But if you had a husband that was faithful, and told you, "cut all ties with the OM, nip this in the butt, tell him to leave you alone, change your cell# and your email".....would you honor his request then? Since you don't know him & I do.......Let me say - He would not be like that. He would let me handle it how I saw fit. There would be no ORDERING around. BUT....since you like to speak in IF's - IF it came to that I would honor his request. so after 4 years you receive a text from OM, and you didn't feel compelled to tell him to go to hell? hmmmmmm....... not only that, after 4 years, you would want to read any future email, IF it comes, and not respond and tell him to fek off? hmmmm....... Again - You're not reading the entire post. I said the AFFAIR was 4 years ago. I have seen him since December of last year -- during my separation from my husband. That would be the "Let's try to be friends" phase...that didn't work out. Have not spoken/emailed/IM'd/texted him since December, have not seen him since Feb. (saw him in a restaurant / Public Place / Unplanned)
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 And - again with the EMAIL:rolleyes: The email did not come. YES, I would probably still read it. There is no deep dark hidden meaning to my reading his email - Like you would have everyone think. I'd read it - & delete it. Plain & simple as that. Doesn't mean I want him in my life. Doesn't mean anything. Just means I read an email. I have no hidden agenda with this man. Even if I were single, he would not be part of my life.
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