EddieN Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Hi everyone. I figured I'd come here to see if anyone anonymous could help me out. About me: I just turned 20 and am in college. I've never had a girlfriend. I had sex once about 2 years ago. It was a one night stand and the girl came onto me VERY aggressively at a party. I enjoyed it, but I realized drunken one night stands weren't my thing...plus I couldn't help but feel a bit embarrassed about it. Good things about me - I'm intelligent, not just with grades but I have pretty good wit, which gives me a good sense of humor. I can make people laugh pretty easily. I'm in a comedy troupe at my school and we do plays and improv stuff. I'm also very athletic. I workout twice a day usually and do a very demanding sport through out the school year. I'm 6' 2" and about 200 lbs and pretty lean. I don't think my looks are a problem. I used to be obese up until my junior year of school so I was self-conscious for a little while after that, but for the past year or so I've gained confidence in my looks and body. A lot of women outside my dating pool (older women mostly, but sometimes girls my age) have complimented my looks randomly in public, usually at my job. This used to happen almost every day...so I can't be that bad to look at! Now bad things about me - Main thing is I can be really shy at times and chicken out. It's weird, because most of the time I'm able to be really outgoing, like when I'm acting on stage or something. Most of the time I'm able to legitimately not care about what people think. With girls, it's different. Consciously I'm telling myself not to care and to be cool, but for some reason I still get nervous. I have trouble controlling it. I'm also a bit of a klutz, ESPECIALLY when around girls. I'm not always nervous around girls, but a wave of nervousness tends to come at the very worst times. I've approached many girls and have put myself out there. I feel like my looks catch their eye, then they look at me now and then, I approach and then screw things up. I'm not a doormat, but I'm not a dick either. There's a lot I won't say in front of a girl I approach and talk to out of respect. I see guys who succeed where I fail and they say things I would not feel comfortable saying to a girl I just met. Could this be my problem? I'll stop typing here and let people respond. I have a lot to say/ask but I don't want to do it all at once. Thanks in advance for replies.
lora22 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I feel like you gave a lot of info, but not the best info? IDK, maybe I didn't read closely enough. How do you screw up when you're talking to girls? Because just being nervous won't do it. Do you have a lot of friends? Do you have girl friends? Is it possible that you're shy/quiet to the point that girls are intimidated by you? I mean honestly, when I was in college I would probably have been intimidated by a tall, nice looking athlete who was very conscious of his body as it sounds you are (working out twice a day) who is also super quiet. The improv thing and/or your sense of humor might be intimidating - no one wants to feel like they're the butt of a joke.
kizik Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Hey man, well sh*t, I wish I had your physique. As a tall guy, you're at a physical advantage, so use it! Smile, flirt, laugh, tease the girls (albeit in a nice way). You've got the whole world at your fingertips. Don't sweat it! Just keep being you, and someone hot and sexy and smart will dig you for it. -k PS. A female poster yesterday mentioned that she thinks it's "cute" when guys get nervous around her, b/c it indicates interest. Don't worry about being nervous - it's natural. Just realize you have a lot to offer. Keep your head up - be confident - you deserve it!
lora22 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Fyi, you can't "have" girls. you can "have" them in the biblical sense
Author EddieN Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 I feel like you gave a lot of info, but not the best info? IDK, maybe I didn't read closely enough. How do you screw up when you're talking to girls? Because just being nervous won't do it. Do you have a lot of friends? Do you have girl friends? Is it possible that you're shy/quiet to the point that girls are intimidated by you? I mean honestly, when I was in college I would probably have been intimidated by a tall, nice looking athlete who was very conscious of his body as it sounds you are (working out twice a day) who is also super quiet. The improv thing and/or your sense of humor might be intimidating - no one wants to feel like they're the butt of a joke. -I'm not sure how I screw up. It just seems like the girl loses interest after talking with her a bit. I can usually make the girl laugh with little sarcastic remarks, and I'm pretty good at talking about HER interests. Like, I might ask what her major is, she'll tell me, and I'll quickly think of something I like about it or a question I have about it and things will take off from there. Another thing I'll do is tease her a bit but then follow it up with teasing myself. What I DON'T do is comment on her appearance or talk about anything related to sex or gender. I might compliment her on an interest, passion, or trait she has, but I don't think I've ever told a girl something about her looks. -Not sure what a lot of friends means. I don't always have people calling and texting me, I do however have a few groups of people that I see almost every day. Let me put it this way...during the school year, I'll usually spend a few hours in the dining hall for dinner (when I have nothing else to do) because I keep migrating to different tables of friends. I sit with one, they leave soon after, and then I go sit with another group that I know. -Yes, I have girl friends. -Not sure about being so quiet that I'm intimidating. When I'm with people I know I'm usually not so quiet, in fact I'm pretty talkative, though I spend a lot of time alone in the day and sometimes I prefer it that way. -As far as the humor goes, I really don't see how that can be intimidating. If anything, I think that people would like to be around someone who is light-hearted and funny. I don't rip on particular people, if that's what you mean, except maybe myself. Hey man, well sh*t, I wish I had your physique. As a tall guy, you're at a physical advantage, so use it! Smile, flirt, laugh, tease the girls (albeit in a nice way). You've got the whole world at your fingertips. Don't sweat it! Just keep being you, and someone hot and sexy and smart will dig you for it. -k PS. A female poster yesterday mentioned that she thinks it's "cute" when guys get nervous around her, b/c it indicates interest. Don't worry about being nervous - it's natural. Just realize you have a lot to offer. Keep your head up - be confident - you deserve it! Thanks kizik. Sometimes I forget the things I have to offer and instead think about my occasional quirkiness or clumsiness, but you reminded me to focus on the positives.
Author EddieN Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Fyi, you can't "have" girls. Don't you have something better to do than pick on my usage of words?
lora22 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Well focus on what k said...cuz honestly, when I read your post I was totally thinking girls must be intimidated by you if everything you said is true. Maybe you need to show just a little more interest in a girl you like? I mean, make it a little more obvious or something? Cuz honestly it sounds like you have a TON going for you, and even though it's not high school, girls in college still have issues, ya know.
Habeas Corpse Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Now bad things about me - Main thing is I can be really shy at times and chicken out. It's weird, because most of the time I'm able to be really outgoing, like when I'm acting on stage or something. Most of the time I'm able to legitimately not care about what people think. With girls, it's different. Consciously I'm telling myself not to care and to be cool, but for some reason I still get nervous. I have trouble controlling it. I'm also a bit of a klutz, ESPECIALLY when around girls. I'm not always nervous around girls, but a wave of nervousness tends to come at the very worst times. Darwinian evolution does not favor the "shy" gene. Fortunately for you, your shy behavior was most likely the result of social conditioning rather than a last place finish in the sperm race. If an unproductive behavior can be learned, it can be unlearned and replaced with a productive behavior. The skillful person knows not to continue with a behavior that has already proved ineffective. Your frustration is likely the result of having a limited number of verbal operants.
Author EddieN Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Darwinian evolution does not favor the "shy" gene. Fortunately for you, your shy behavior was most likely the result of social conditioning rather than a last place finish in the sperm race. If an unproductive behavior can be learned, it can be unlearned and replaced with a productive behavior. The skillful person knows not to continue with a behavior that has already proved ineffective. Your frustration is likely the result of having a limited number of verbal operants. Our social interactions are too complicated to be analyzed by traditional Darwinism. I've heard this explanation before, and I really don't think it holds any water. Still, I'll play along. Say I do have the disadvantageous "shyness around girls" gene, or I at least express its qualities even if it's due to social conditioning. For that one disadvantageous trait, I have many traits that are favored. Intelligence, motivation, physical fitness, wit, etc. Those should be able to outweigh my flaws. Besides, I mentioned that I'm not always shy and socially awkward, only sometimes, and the more interactions I have with a person the more at ease I become. I mentioned that my behavior is not conscious. When I'm talking to a girl, I'm thinking all the right things. My body just doesn't obey my mind entirely. Let me mention a few other things - this is only a guess as I've never asked anyone in person about this, but I suspect some facial expressions and gestures I make could be awkward or intimidating. My eyes are very sensitive and tend to move around a lot, even when I try to maintain eye contact. I do other things like this as well.
Habeas Corpse Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Our social interactions are too complicated to be analyzed by traditional Darwinism. I've heard this explanation before, and I really don't think it holds any water. Still, I'll play along. Say I do have the disadvantageous "shyness around girls" gene, or I at least express its qualities even if it's due to social conditioning. For that one disadvantageous trait, I have many traits that are favored. Intelligence, motivation, physical fitness, wit, etc. Those should be able to outweigh my flaws. Besides, I mentioned that I'm not always shy and socially awkward, only sometimes, and the more interactions I have with a person the more at ease I become. I mentioned that my behavior is not conscious. When I'm talking to a girl, I'm thinking all the right things. My body just doesn't obey my mind entirely. Let me mention a few other things - this is only a guess as I've never asked anyone in person about this, but I suspect some facial expressions and gestures I make could be awkward or intimidating. My eyes are very sensitive and tend to move around a lot, even when I try to maintain eye contact. I do other things like this as well. I said you probably don't have the "shy" gene. Even if I thought you did, I couldn't be of any help because I'm not a geneticist. My assertion was that you bring your "shyness" upon yourself because your behavior does not elicit the response you want from women. Just like if you were in a situation that would elicit a harmful stimulus, you would try to avoid that situation and even if you found youself in it, you would have some anxiety. So attractive women themselves become a kind of aversive stimulus.
Author EddieN Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Let me translate that into layman's terms. You're saying that because of past incidents where I hit on an attractive girl and ultimately did not succeed, I now avoid attractive girls to prevent that anxiety? Yes, somewhat true. I definitely let opportunities slip away, but not all of them. I don't completely avoid attractive girls. Maybe I should bring this up too - I'm pretty picky. I have girls that I could call right now and get a date with. Unfortunately, they just don't do it for me, and it isn't just because of looks. One of them is stunningly hot and also very sweet, but unfortunately she isn't very bright. I feel bad for saying this but it's true and it turns me off to her. I want a girl who's pretty well-rounded. She doesn't need to be a stunner, but I need to be attracted to both her face and body. She doesn't need to be incredibly smart, but I want to be able to talk with her and I want her to have a bit of wit to come back at me when I'm sarcastic.
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