Sillybunny Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I'm not really sure where to start. I've been in my relationship for a year and a half. We have had all sorts of problems. We come from very different backgrounds and my man had serious issues with things from my past. We disagree on a lot of general opinions about life, ambitions and the future and he can be quite controlling. He doesn't like me speaking to guys and I feel like there are lots of things I can't do because it would upset him. Despite this we have a lot of nice times together and he is extremely caring, gentle, loving and affectionate. I am not perfect (clinical depression sufferer - fine at the moment) and he has put up with a lot, made an effort to learn and helped me through bad episodes. He is hugely devoted and I love him a great deal - but I'm starting to feel very restricted. I've had some really ****ty boyfriends in the past and been badly burned, so he really is up there despite all the controlling/possessive/jealous stuff. I also haven't really had an interest in sex for well...nearly a year now and this upsets him a lot (to be expected). There is also this other guy....I've known him for 8 years and I've always had a super soft spot for him. It was never something that seemed like it would work out so we've just stayed friends for years. Hardly ever seeing each other but keeping in contact from time to time: emails, phone, msn, texts. He's someone I've always known was there, as a friend and someone who understood me pretty well. Recently we've started talking more again and I can't stop thinking about him. It's driving me mad and it's making me feel guilty. I don't know if this is something thats happening in my life to make me re-evaluate, but I'm starting to worry that maybe I'm missing something really special with this guy...or maybe I'm going to give up something really special if I mess this up with my partner. This is stopping me from sleeping properly, eating properly and working properly. Every time me and my partner try to have sex - I can't. I get angsty and irritated, because I feel awful and disgusted at myself. Why? Because I can't get this other guy out of my head - even then. On top of all this me and my man have a two week holiday to South America booked and paid for, for September. I need some help/perspective/anything.
Author Sillybunny Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 I don't know what the rule is with bumping...but I could really do with some help or advice on this and it's about to drop off the page. Anyone?
lora22 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Honestly, I don't know what to say to this, but I don't want to leave you hanging either. On reading this my first thought was, dump your bf!! (One reason I wanted to stay away from this thread is reading what you said about him really reminds me of one of my exes - he was just like you described - psychotically jealous over nothing, etc., emtionally abusive, and it turned physical as well). Even when I was dating this complete f***ing piece of Sh*t I never had any interest in anyone else. I never found the strength to leave him for good, even though I knew that he was an a**hole, and not at all good for me. Near the end of our relationship I started finding myself interested in someone else. To be honest, the fact that I was interested in someone else (even though nothing happened, or was close to happening), combined with certain actions by my bf finally gave me the strength to walk away. I had also lost sexual interest in my current partner, and to be honest it was because he was such a manipulative, crazy, dramatic, controlling, possessive, jealous psycho. He was emotionally abusive. Eventually I just couldn't take it anymore, but at the same time I was afraid to leave him. Therefore, I lost all sexual interest in him. I still have some anger with myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did, but therapy helped me a lot. I'm sorry if this doesn't apply to your situation at all, but what you said reminded me of my situation a few years ago.
Author Sillybunny Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Even when I was dating this complete f***ing piece of Sh*t I never had any interest in anyone else. I never found the strength to leave him for good, even though I knew that he was an a**hole, and not at all good for me. Near the end of our relationship I started finding myself interested in someone else. To be honest, the fact that I was interested in someone else (even though nothing happened, or was close to happening), combined with certain actions by my bf finally gave me the strength to walk away. I had also lost sexual interest in my current partner, and to be honest it was because he was such a manipulative, crazy, dramatic, controlling, possessive, jealous psycho. He was emotionally abusive. Eventually I just couldn't take it anymore, but at the same time I was afraid to leave him. Therefore, I lost all sexual interest in him. Hey. Thanks for your reply. I've been in the situation you have before. Thinking back on it it was a really horrible experience but it was easier. It was more obvious what I needed to do because it really was awful. This is so very different. He's not...abusive...it's weird. He really is lovely, sweet, affectionate, romantic. He just *expects* this certain behaviour from me, not having male friends, not doing anything really that he doesn't like me doing, having very imposing views on how 'life should be lived' and I end up feeling bad if I upset him or disappoint him. But he's never been physically abusive or even shouted at me. I'm not even sure he would realise that what he's doing is controlling...just in a much more subtle way.
lora22 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 He really is lovely, sweet, affectionate, romantic. He just *expects* this certain behaviour from me, not having male friends, not doing anything really that he doesn't like me doing, having very imposing views on how 'life should be lived' and I end up feeling bad if I upset him or disappoint him. But he's never been physically abusive or even shouted at me. I'm not even sure he would realise that what he's doing is controlling...just in a much more subtle way. 1. What you described IS emotional abuse. I honestly couldn't say if in your particular situation it is or not without knowing more, but those DEFINITELY are signs of it. 2. Even the lovely/sweet/affectionate/romantic part goes hand in hand with emotional abuse, as well as other types of abuse. Do you honestly think that I or any other girl would stay with a guy who didn't exhibit other qualities that are positive? Part of their cycle involves being the perfect bf, perfectly romantic and sweet, and so on and so on - it's a cycle of f*cking up hardcore and then making up for it. 3. Emotional abuse EVENTUALLY turns into physical abuse in a huge percentage of cases of emotional abuse. 4. Obviously people that are emotionally abusive aren't plotting on how they can f*ck with their partner. They don't INTEND to be it, they just ARE. This is why I wanted to stay away from this thread, so I'm going to bow out. Good luck with your situation though. I hope everything works out for you.
Katherineos123 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Although a man like this would be far too controlling for my personal taste... if you dont feel threatened in any way, and you dont feel that this man is crossing the line... I think what you really need to do is sit down and REALLY think about whether or not you want to salvage what is left of this relationship... It sounds to me like he still loves you very much... But perhaps you are falling out. As difficult as it can be, sometimes you just have to know when to cut your loses, throw your hands in the air, and say you had a good run. However, if you marinate on things for a little while, and you decide that you want to give things another shot.... Then I dont think you should keep in as close contact with this "other" guy.... Perhaps you two could start some sort of couples therapy?
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