stuckinoz Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 i would be devistated if it were the other way around.. i know because she herself has had an affair with one of my friends. we have long since gotten over it. in no way do i look at this as revenge or anything of the sort. i feel attracted to her because her husband is such a ****bag and i feel that she deserves so much better. i do have feelings for her and i guess i thought i could show her that there is someone better. I thought the 4 of you were FRIENDS??......You feel she deserves much better? And you are that "better man?" Well then I guess if you are the only answer is for you should divorce your wife & she her husband so the two of you can live happily ever after! If you want to work on your marriage you should do that - & let the other incident GO! The pain/whatever it is you're feeling will pass over time.
Owl Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 OK...here's some input and advice for you. First...since the two of you started your affair...things can NEVER be "back to normal" as in what they were before the affair. PERIOD. It's a consequence of your choices. You truly are at the crossroads. You have the choice to work on your marriage...or you have the choice to destroy your marriage further. If you want to destroy your marriage...just act like this never happened, or even go ahead and continue the affair once the OW gets back from her family. If you want to work on your marriage, you're going to have to deal with the mess that you made here. Admitting the affair to your wife is CRITICAL. If you don't do this...you're going to force your wife to live a marriage that is a LIE for the rest of her life. You're going to bear that guilt...and here's the thing...you're just going to be WAITING for your wife to find out someday. There are all kinds of ways that the truth can come out...and which way do you think it would be better? If you admitted it up front and worked through the issues? Or if your wife found out through some other source...and was BLINDSIDED by this, with no chance for you to help her deal with it? My advice is simple...not easy...but simple. 1. Tell your wife the full truth of what went on. 2. End your affair. 3. End your "friendship" with both her and her H. 4. Discuss with your wife the options around telling OW's husband about the affair too...and decide how best to handle that situation. 5. Work on rebuilding your marriage. There you go...simple. Not easy...but simple to see what you have to do when you stop and look at it.
Author JohnDoe1 Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 thanks everyone.. i didnt mean to get anyone angry at my situation. there are alot of people on here very upset. i just feel torn between my wife and this other couple. i dont know how else to put it for everyone to understand. i dont want to lose a friendship/relationship with OW and i dont want to lose my marriage. i know i cant have both. im just really confused. i know i will make the right decision concerning who to chose. there is only one person i truly love. the other person is there for me emotionally. an EA is harder to get over than a physical one. thats what im having trouble with.
Owl Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 But the WAY to get over an affair is the same...EA or PA. And that way is NO CONTACT...FOR LIFE. And the only way you're going to be able to accomplish that IS to end the friendship...and explain to your wife why NC MUST be in place. Right now, you're at a point where you're not going to WANT to do the right thing...but you're going to have to do it anyway. You can't wait until you WANT to...because that time will never arrive.
eyeswide Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 thanks everyone.. i didnt mean to get anyone angry at my situation. there are alot of people on here very upset. i just feel torn between my wife and this other couple. i dont know how else to put it for everyone to understand. i dont want to lose a friendship/relationship with OW and i dont want to lose my marriage. i know i cant have both. im just really confused. i know i will make the right decision concerning who to chose. there is only one person i truly love. the other person is there for me emotionally. an EA is harder to get over than a physical one. thats what im having trouble with. Ok, JD1, you are in a fog right now. I get it. I lived in one myself for a while. And while I was one of those people who successfully ended my A without discovery by my BS it didn't make everything okay. In fact, I think my delay in telling him made it worse. I believe my keeping it in for so long deepened his sense of betrayal and we became pretty seriously estranged from each other for a lonnnnnnng time. Oh, and by the way -- you didn't just have an EA -- these are your words here: "well she did come and we did spend some time together romantically and sexually." That's a PA. And both are affairs and both are painful, but I point it out because I'm hoping you'll see that you are darting around the truth still, even with yourself. I know you're confused. I know you want them both right now. You want the high of your new love and the reliability of your old one. The problem is you don't have permission from your old love or from your AP's husband to be eating your cake while you have it too. And that little pickle is exactly why so many people show up on this forum in hot water or feeling like their guts are going to fall out from the pain of betrayal. You're right, I don't know your wife. But I do know that you are telling yourself that in part because you just don't want to face D-day. I get it. But, I swear I believe this to be true: the pain you cause by telling her now will be a lot better than the pain of letting this thing go on or of you keeping it in for god-knows-how-long. And you say your wife has been there herself, fooled around with one of your friends? Don't you think that means she might be able to empathize with you? And she might -- but I swear the window of that empathy will close if you keep this crap up. Good luck JD1. I really hope you can see your way out of the fog.
jnj express Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 JD, you know right from wrong, and you weren't just dropped on this planet from outer space. You have no right to meddle in the life of another mge. You will decide whether to tell your wife, or not to tell her. But stop trying to control the life of this other mge. You are being asked for advise, and you are giving it, This advise is being used to determine the course of this other mge. "Butt out" its not your mge. Go NC right now and spend your time working on your own mge. Also the way you are carrying on about this you come off like a child just experiencing things for the 1st time, you know right from wrong, grow up and act like an adult.
jmargel Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 i would be devistated if it were the other way around.. i know because she herself has had an affair with one of my friends. we have long since gotten over it. in no way do i look at this as revenge or anything of the sort. i feel attracted to her because her husband is such a ****bag and i feel that she deserves so much better. i do have feelings for her and i guess i thought i could show her that there is someone better. That is not your job. You have overstepped your boundaries in what you have done. Not once have you said you feel bad or remorse for what you have done. You are asking us how to continue the affair. In a few months you will be back here, crying asking us how to get your wife back because you made such a bad decision. In the meantime your wife continues to live a lie, she's under the assumption that nothing has happened. If you really want to be with this other woman, tell your wife about the affair, get divorced and then put your moves on this other chick. I can guarantee though once the novelty wears off, once the excitement of it all is done, she will leave you. She is playing the victim in all of this and you are falling for it. You don't know this woman at all, you know what she presents to you which of course is going to be the best foot forward. You need to take a step back and find some marriage counseling and be honest with your wife on what has been going on. I have quite a few female friends however there are boundaries that I am well aware of and do not cross.
dobler33 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 thanks everyone.. i didnt mean to get anyone angry at my situation. there are alot of people on here very upset. i just feel torn between my wife and this other couple. i dont know how else to put it for everyone to understand. i dont want to lose a friendship/relationship with OW and i dont want to lose my marriage. i know i cant have both. im just really confused. i know i will make the right decision concerning who to chose. there is only one person i truly love. the other person is there for me emotionally. an EA is harder to get over than a physical one. thats what im having trouble with. hey johnny. i can't really offer anything other than a certain amount of empathy - my EA was with my H's best friend, and the wife was a close friend of mine. it is just about the most effed up thing i can imagine. there's all this weird intermeshment that's almost impossible to detangle. the saddest part is that you have definitely lost those friendships. there's no way around it. no matter how it falls out - you end it w the OW and tell your wife, she tells her husband, her husband hates you and your wife hates her. you run off with the OW, same story, except that now her husband hates you AND her and your wife hates her AND you. and those are only a couple of possibilities. any way you peel that banana you're going to lose. i know how hard that is to cope with. my husband and i miss the other couple all the time. i have to live with the guilt of having, with the help of the OM, blown up a close-knit chosen family that had been together for years. it's heartbreaking, but the only good i can say that's come out of it is that my H and i are closer than we've been in over 5 years. look for the best possible outcome and shoot for that. good luck to you, my dear. i know this hurts REAL bad. i'll be thinking about you.
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