JohnDoe1 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Hello i am new to this forum and i wanted to share my problems as i have no one to talk to about this and i found this forum looking for some advice or imput. Well here it goes.. Me and my wife who have been married for 9 years and some change, we have some friends that we met a while back. they are married also and we have been hanging out with each other for a while now. doing family game nights and just watching our favorite shows together. well the thing is, is that me and the wife of the other couple always seemed to get along rather well. we would talk to each other on the phone through text messages and what not and i would flirt with her jokingly. I always had a little crush on here that i thought would never amount to anything other than that, well to make a long story short, i was away on business and we were talking and she had asked me if i liked her.. well i dont know what i had said or what i was thinking and i said that i did. well to my surprise she had admitted to me that she had feelings for me also. we talked and talked, the whole time keeping this a secret from our spouses of coarse and we made the decision that she should come to where i was at and we could spend some time together.. i was more than excited to see her as our feelings for each other were out in the open between the two of us. well she did come and we did spend some time together romantically and sexually. our affair had begun. well after this time her and her husband got into an argument for a totally unrelated subject and by this time i was back home. she came over and me and my wife were very conforting to her through this ordeal. well my wife felt very uncomfortable about this whole situation and she said that she didnt want us to get involved in their argument. I still talked to her a nd everythign and my wife felt that we were getting too close to one another and felt that we should keep our distance. well after defending the other girl, my wife was furious about the situation and accused me of having feelings for her. which is absolutely true, but her anger was more toward her thinking i had feelings and nothing else. now we dont even talk to our "friends" and i dont know if we ever will. the other girl has gone away to see her family and has left me here miserable. she will return but i feel things will never return back to normal.. what should i do?
Author JohnDoe1 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 14 views and no imput? i will elaborate on any questions you may have if it helps.
Bryanp Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I am just curious how you would be feeling if your wife had done to you what you have done to your wife and also putting her at risk for STD's. You have totally disrespected your wife. In addition, you have now made your wife look like a complete fool trying to help your lover. You are a real piece of work.
hopesndreams Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I am just curious how you would be feeling if your wife had done to you what you have done to your wife and also putting her at risk for STD's. You have totally disrespected your wife. In addition, you have now made your wife look like a complete fool trying to help your lover. You are a real piece of work. Ditto. So, what are your plans? What are your questions? Tell your wife about this affair and let her choose what to do about it.
stuckinoz Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Just let it go. Maybe someday the 4 of you could be friends again - I don't think it'll be anytime soon though. I'm one of those that doesn't advocate telling. Just let it go.
Author JohnDoe1 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 I am just curious how you would be feeling if your wife had done to you what you have done to your wife and also putting her at risk for STD's. You have totally disrespected your wife. In addition, you have now made your wife look like a complete fool trying to help your lover. You are a real piece of work. i would be devistated if it were the other way around.. i know because she herself has had an affair with one of my friends. we have long since gotten over it. in no way do i look at this as revenge or anything of the sort. i feel attracted to her because her husband is such a ****bag and i feel that she deserves so much better. i do have feelings for her and i guess i thought i could show her that there is someone better.
Author JohnDoe1 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Ditto. So, what are your plans? What are your questions? Tell your wife about this affair and let her choose what to do about it. my plans are just to keep on keeping on. my questions are how do i get this other girl out of my mnd? everything i do and everywhere i go i have this girl on my mind. i know it will pass and i know i dont love her, but i like being with her. i like the way she makes me feel when i am with her. i know i can never have her and it makes me sick. but at the same time i love my wife also.. i dont know.
SueBee3490 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 she will return but i feel things will never return back to normal.. what should i do? What does this mean? what is back to normal? Do you consider having an affair "normal"??? Or are you calling normal the time before your affair with this guy's wife when you were just friends with this couple? Because an affair is not normal and I doubt you can ever go back and be just friends with this couple again after what has went on between you and his wife.
eyeswide Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Hey JD1, before all these bitter, angry people scare you off into a cave, let me be the first to say, "Take it easy..." From hanging out here for a while and on another similar site I have learned: You are indeed entangled in an affair. The situation is sadly common sounding. Damage is being done, whether your wife knows it all yet or not. You need to come clean with her. Tell her the truth. It's going to hurt like hell and she'll be angry, hurt, bitter, sad, vengeful -- just to name a few of the emotions she'll experience. But if you love your wife and want your marriage to work, you need to establish a No Contact agreement (known around these parts as NC) with your affair partner (known as AP, sometimes) and you need to stick to it. You should probably get yourselves into marriage counseling (known as MC) IF your W agrees and wants to do that and IF you can really promise to commit yourself fully to the work that will need to be done. I know it felt good in the moment -- I've been there. But lord, the clean up work is a b**tch. Good luck JD1.
HsMomma Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 my plans are just to keep on keeping on. my questions are how do i get this other girl out of my mnd? everything i do and everywhere i go i have this girl on my mind. i know it will pass and i know i dont love her, but i like being with her. i like the way she makes me feel when i am with her. i know i can never have her and it makes me sick. but at the same time i love my wife also.. i dont know. Seriously??? You say you love your wife, but you had an affair with "this girl"? AND, your wife doesn't know? You say that the woman you had the affair with is married to a ****bag & you wanted to show her that there is someone better. Without passing judgment on you (or at least trying VERY hard not to), I have to ask WHY you think you're better? Do you think the other woman's husband would think you're better than he? Do you think your wife would think so? I think your wife would feel that you're pretty much a ****bag for doing this to her. Your wife deserves to know what's happened & have the opportunity to make her own decisions about how (or IF) to go on with your marriage. I think you need to engage in some serious self-evaluation if you honestly think everything can go back to "normal" by forgetting this other woman. Sorry - just being honest here!
eyeswide Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 my plans are just to keep on keeping on. my questions are how do i get this other girl out of my mnd? everything i do and everywhere i go i have this girl on my mind. i know it will pass and i know i dont love her, but i like being with her. i like the way she makes me feel when i am with her. i know i can never have her and it makes me sick. but at the same time i love my wife also.. i dont know. I think you'll discover that as long as the affair remains a secret between you and your wife, it will be a problem for you. Telling my husband about the OM was the best thing I could have done to get some perspective on just how Mr. Wrong the OM was and how much I really loved my husband. Unfortunately, I had to take the risk that my H might not be willing to forgive me. It took him a LONNNNNNGGGGGG time (2 yrs) and an affair of his own to get there. ( OUch. ) But I think we are getting there...
HsMomma Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I think you'll discover that as long as the affair remains a secret between you and your wife, it will be a problem for you. Eyes, I think this is only one in a LONG list of problems for the OP...
HsMomma Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Hey JD1, before all these bitter, angry people scare you off into a cave, let me be the first to say, "Take it easy..." Eyeswide, I will say right off, I'm not bitter nor am I an angry person. I think when a person comes on a site like this & tells this type of story, then asks for advice, he/she needs to be ready to hear things that may not be easy to hear. Just because people are sometimes blunt/straightforward in their responses, does not mean that they are bitter & angry - just honest. I think you're using a BROAD brush to paint everyone in the same light and that's pretty unfair.
soserious1 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 14 views and no imput? i will elaborate on any questions you may have if it helps. I had to go out and rent a popcorn machine and a bunch of lawn chairs...
eyeswide Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 HsM, when I first started composing that reply bryanp and mark982 were the only posters. I think you'll admit those are pretty nasty and not terribly helpful comments. I apologize that it sounded like I was painting with a broader brush than that. I admit that referring to 2 people as "all" was a bit of a leap. I will say that part of the reason I started coming to LS instead of another forum where I used to seek advice and insight is that as someone who has been both a WS and a BS, the other place was not friendly to me at all. It was as if I could only acknowledge being a BS or I would get attacked without mercy or no real feedback. I came here thinking it was a bit more tolerant, and while I've been very impressed with how much insight people have generally provided regardless of "which side of the line" they've been on, there are some really, not helpful comments that I worry will send those who are hurting right back underground without making the progress they obviously had some interest in making by coming here in the 1st place. Again, sorry if I sounded like a jerk.
HsMomma Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I had to go out and rent a popcorn machine and a bunch of lawn chairs... That made me laugh out loud!!!
HsMomma Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 HsM, when I first started composing that reply bryanp and mark982 were the only posters. I think you'll admit those are pretty nasty and not terribly helpful comments. I apologize that it sounded like I was painting with a broader brush than that. I admit that referring to 2 people as "all" was a bit of a leap. I will say that part of the reason I started coming to LS instead of another forum where I used to seek advice and insight is that as someone who has been both a WS and a BS, the other place was not friendly to me at all. It was as if I could only acknowledge being a BS or I would get attacked without mercy or no real feedback. I came here thinking it was a bit more tolerant, and while I've been very impressed with how much insight people have generally provided regardless of "which side of the line" they've been on, there are some really, not helpful comments that I worry will send those who are hurting right back underground without making the progress they obviously had some interest in making by coming here in the 1st place. Again, sorry if I sounded like a jerk. I understand, Eyeswide...I've seen some of those "attacking" replies and I feel for people who come here seeking advice and have been thrown to the wolves. I guess I just didn't want to be lumped in with them! I haven't been the WS, but I have been the BS...I do my best to see things from all sides - sometimes more successfully than others - but my main reason for coming to LS was to help in any way I can. I received some really wonderful advice when I needed it & want to "pay it forward" if I can. We're good, Eyeswide...no harm, no foul!
tami-chan Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 i would be devistated if it were the other way around.. i know because she herself has had an affair with one of my friends. we have long since gotten over it. in no way do i look at this as revenge or anything of the sort. i feel attracted to her because her husband is such a ****bag and i feel that she deserves so much better. i do have feelings for her and i guess i thought i could show her that there is someone better. So what are you, the Mother Theresa of OMs? Better in what though?
tml-13 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 i would be devistated if it were the other way around.. i know because she herself has had an affair with one of my friends. we have long since gotten over it. in no way do i look at this as revenge or anything of the sort. i feel attracted to her because her husband is such a ****bag and i feel that she deserves so much better. i do have feelings for her and i guess i thought i could show her that there is someone better. You have to tell her... It's way worse if she finds out by herself.... My WW had 2 different As over 2 years and I found out... she denied it right up to the point where I showed her the proof... how do you ever trust someone after that? At least if you tell her she knows that you aren't lying about everything.
Reggie Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 i would be devistated if it were the other way around.. i know because she herself has had an affair with one of my friends. we have long since gotten over it. in no way do i look at this as revenge or anything of the sort. i feel attracted to her because her husband is such a ****bag and i feel that she deserves so much better. i do have feelings for her and i guess i thought i could show her that there is someone better. This makes no sense. Why would her husband being an a-hole cause you to be attracted to her? What on earth do you mean by this? And, why not tell her there is someone better and that it is not you because you are married? This is some really strange thinking.
Author JohnDoe1 Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 What does this mean? what is back to normal? Do you consider having an affair "normal"??? Or are you calling normal the time before your affair with this guy's wife when you were just friends with this couple? Because an affair is not normal and I doubt you can ever go back and be just friends with this couple again after what has went on between you and his wife. I mean she will return from seeing her family. and normal would mean that how things were before the affair. i dont consider this normal.
Author JohnDoe1 Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Hey JD1, before all these bitter, angry people scare you off into a cave, let me be the first to say, "Take it easy..." From hanging out here for a while and on another similar site I have learned: You are indeed entangled in an affair. The situation is sadly common sounding. Damage is being done, whether your wife knows it all yet or not. You need to come clean with her. Tell her the truth. It's going to hurt like hell and she'll be angry, hurt, bitter, sad, vengeful -- just to name a few of the emotions she'll experience. But if you love your wife and want your marriage to work, you need to establish a No Contact agreement (known around these parts as NC) with your affair partner (known as AP, sometimes) and you need to stick to it. You should probably get yourselves into marriage counseling (known as MC) IF your W agrees and wants to do that and IF you can really promise to commit yourself fully to the work that will need to be done. I know it felt good in the moment -- I've been there. But lord, the clean up work is a b**tch. Good luck JD1. thank you very much.. i think all i need to hear is that things do change and things will get better. i dont think that i will come clean though. you dont know my wife. i think i will keep it a secret for a while.thanks for the advice though. i appreciate it.
HsMomma Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 thank you very much.. i think all i need to hear is that things do change and things will get better. i dont think that i will come clean though. you dont know my wife. i think i will keep it a secret for a while.thanks for the advice though. i appreciate it. Pardon me, but it sounds like you'd already made up your mind when you came to LS that you weren't going to tell her...so I have to ask...why ask for advice that you plan to ignore anyway? Makes me wonder (again) how your mind works. Things will NOT get better by your keeping secrets from her, cheating on her and then pretending it never happened. I think you're being very unfair to your wife and very self-serving with your justifications. JMHO.
2sure Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 [QUOTE=JohnDoe1;2205892].... i feel attracted to her because her husband is such a ****bag and i feel that she deserves so much better. i do have feelings for her and i guess i thought i could show her that there is someone better. Are you talking about your wife's husband? Because thats just what she's got.
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