I'm Lost Without Her....

[jlr]

I've been reading these threads and it's been helpful to read other's stories.

 

I thought I would share mine, in hopes that maybe I could get some advice.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I were together for 5 years. We lived together for about 3 of those. We talked of marriage, kids. We called each other the "love of our lives". People around us always saw us as the people with the stable relationship - were shocked when we broke up.

 

I think our relationship was overall very good. I think most of our issues were due to our own emotional problems - both of us came from broken homes. There was communication issues sometimes. I think we often spent more time trying to help the other person than we did working on ourselves. But overall, I don't think it wasn't anything we couldn't have worked through. However, a few times in our relationship, she would go through sort of a "what if" phase about not just us, but her life. It was always something we worked through, and after a few days, she'd be fine. This happened maybe 3 times. We never broke up, took space for like a week once.

 

Last November, she said she wanted to break up with me. She said she just didn't know what she wanted anymore, and that she didn't think we ever resolved our communication issues. I was devastated. For the first few months, everything was a blur. I had to move back with my Mom. It was weird, I was so hurt at first that I went right to my Moms to clear my head, and then moved out within like a week. I didn't fight it at the time. I couldn't believe she really wanted to end it. I was so upset. She ended up moving in with some friends, moving out of the apartment we shared.

 

After a few months, we had some simple contact - email, phone call, etc. I don't remember that period too much. I remember one time having a sexual conversation. Strange. Then around the end of December I think, we had first decided to meet up for dinner. She wanted to be "friends". That first meet up went really well. From there, we did it again, and met up for coffee etc. Then I ended up going back to her new place, and things veered from being friends. We kissed, cuddled, had sex - all in a very romantic type way. I've been in situations where it's like you're just hanging on to sex, but it wasn't like that. It was really sweet. This ended up happening often, and we began hanging out again, talking etc. She began to get really confused. One week we'd hang out and it'd be good, the next she acted like she hated me and didn't want anything to do with me. This off and on thing continued for months. It was hard to take. I wanted to be with her, but I was breaking my heart over and over when the next week she'd act like she wasn't sure if she should be seeing me. Usually, us talking or being physical or anything was on her terms. If I began to get comfortable with it, or try and be the one to initiate anything, it seemed like she would freak out. If she didn't want to talk to me, she'd ignore me. But if I ignored her calls, she'd call me 20 times. She always wanted me to be there when she needed it, but when I needed it, it didn't work that way. Of course, I allowed this to happen because I just wanted a part of her - I settled for half.

 

We had lots of conversations through out this. Sometimes she'd express regret about breaking up, say she considers getting back together. She told me she still loved me, trusts me more than anyone etc. Sometimes I thought it was close to maybe having a chance. Other weeks she'd say she doesn't know if our relationship is the right one for her, that she already invested time and she doesn't want to do it and it not work out. That she doesn't know what she needs in her life, and that she needs to find herself.

 

Finally, after 5 months of this cycle, we started no contact. I knew it needed to happen, but couldn't be the one to mention it. We had a big talk and she said that she needs time to figure herself out. That doing this cycle isn't helping her, and she felt bad for what it was doing to me. She said if our love is meant to be, it will come back. That I need to give her this oppertunity. I knew it was the right thing to do, so I agreed. it was a very emotional conversation. Lots of tears between both of us. We hugged for a while and that was it.

 

It's been just shy of a month now. I miss her so much. I never thought I'd love anyone like this. It's so hard not to call her, but I haven't. I've been good. In fact, throughout all of this, anytime she didn't want to talk, I didn't bother her. God knows I want to talk to her, but I don't.

 

Everyone tells me this is the right thing to do. To let time figure it out. That she needs to be away from me to know if she misses me or not. It's so hard. I just hope that in this time of her discovering herself, she grows to miss me. That she sees how good are love can be. And not the opposite.

 

I'm lost here.

 

Ps - We still share the same phone plan, which means I'll HAVE to hear from her soon about payment. We talked about splitting it before but Alltel and Verizon merged so we had to wait until June 1st - she hasn't called to talk about it yet.

 

Also, there's a friend of mine who's getting married in August. I'm DJing it and she is gonna do the hair for it. Something we decided when we were together. They booked a room for us. During the past few months, they asked us if it's still ok and if we are still sharing the room and coming together (it's like 2 hours away). She said it would be fine. Even now, she hasn't expressed not wanting to doing it. So that is going to be really weird...

 

Sorry for the length!

[jlr]

So she called last night. I was having the worst day I've had in a while, couldn't stop crying. Strange she called on that night. Anyways, I couldn't even pick up. She left a message, just talking about the phone bill. I'm anxious all day to call her back, but I haven't yet. It's like, I've tried to get used to not hearing her voice, and now it's gonna be hard to have to do that all over again.

 

Ugh.

[xxSRMxx]

Sort your bills out and then go back to NC, This is obviously hurting u.

Sharing a room at this wedding?? Bad idea....

[Cinnamon777]

It's doesn't seem like you are lost, but you are on a yo-yo that you should be happy to get off from. Her actions don't really back up her words that she loves you - as should would be more respectful and not jerk you back and forth so much. She might be confused about what she wants, but you don't need to wait around and keep hoping. Let go... and get another room at the wedding. Maybe offer to go half with her so that you each have your own space. Sharing = continuing the confusion.

 

You sound like a really caring and thoughtful guy. There are plenty of women looking for someone just like YOU! Please... get out there and show us what you've got!

[Meaplus3]

I know it's hard to let go when you still hold someone close to your heart but, you must in order to move on. You need to go back to NC and stay there. Time and NC will help you move past your feelings here and you will be able to see things in a much more realistic way. Good luck.

 

Mea:)

[whichwayisup]

Use this time (the NC) for you. Not to hope she will miss you, want you back, but for you to try to heal and get stronger.

 

If contact has to happen, (phone bill) then use email. Hearing her voice will just upset you more..

 

Sorry that you're hurting.

[jlr]

She called again today, before I had a chance to call her back. I picked up. It was hard. I felt like my voice was getting shaky. But I basically tried to keep cool and talk about the bill and stuff - we're meeting up at some point tonight so I can pay her for this month's bill. The phone is in her name - she added a line for me a few years ago. Anyways. The rest of the conversation, she was asking about me - if I'm going back to school, where I'm gonna be living, stuff like that. I didn't ask her anything. I was sort of tongue tied. I ended up ending the conversation, telling her to call me tonight when she gets out of work so we can meet up.

 

I'd love to be able to talk to her and see what a month has done for her frame of mind. But I'll be heartbroken if it's just a simple pass off of money. Though, on the phone, she seemed to be asking questions...

 

Now I'm all weird. I had plans to go to dinner with an old friend I haven't seen in ages and now I don't even want to go because I can't stop thinking about it.

 

Ugh

[jlr]

update.

 

rough news.

 

so she never called that first night when we were supposed to meet up. instead, i called a few days later seeing if she wanted to do it or not. when i called, she didn't realize she had picked up, i heard her say in a suprised voice, "oh, it's eddie calling...". I was like, um, yeah it IS eddie calling. she was embarrassed. she said shed call me back later, which she did, and was really cheerful. telling me about her day and stuff. eventually later in the evening, i went to her place to give her the money. it was going fine. i was just going to talk about the phone bill, not bring stuff up. we were making small talk.

 

then...

 

she started talking about the past, i think to get me to go in to it all. after about 40 minutes of going back and forth about the same stuff we've gone over a million times, she drops the bomb. she's seeing someone else. why we even went over all this old stuff when she was clearly trying to get that out, i don't know. she was taking the last month away from me to "clear her head", to work on her, to not have to deal with an "us", just her. i was hoping she'd do that. for her, not even for me. and basically, she tells me around the time we stopped talking, she met someone.

 

i was devastated. and as i look back at it, it was so odd. she was unusually positive. i've known her for five years and it wasn't like her being really happy, it was like the same reaction she'd have to being happy about like a bowl of cereal. she just kept saying "ive never been happier, everything is great, i 've figured out everything for myself" - like she was trying to convince HERSELF, not me. sort of like she was reading from a teleprompter - really forced. she said that with our relationship, she had to work at it, and here's the best part - she said if it's love, it just works, you don't have to work at it. that statement summed it all up for me. she thinks relationships don't take work. she went on about how great the new guy is and how he knows how to do everything. of course he does, you've known him a month. wait until there's issues, and you have to WORK on them. things don't stay shiny and new forever.

 

i feel like she doesn't want to deal with anything, so she's just gonna run to something else. one day she's going to look back, after running and realize that relationships do take work, and that she needs to deal with herself for once.

 

i've beeen switching from sad to mad for the last 2 days now. it's rough. but in a way, it tells me alot about her.

[Steadfast]

When or if you have to deal with her in person again, be cool. Not Fonzie cool, the kind of cool where you carefully measure your answers and treat her with respect. No tantrums, no pissing, no dirty looks. Mature and kind.

 

You're doing two things; first, you not allowing her to make you do something you'll regret later (which is good for you) and second, you're not giving her the satisfaction of watching you crumble (which is also good for you). Be nice, as if you're the one trying to keep her from crumbling. No games. Be polite, caring and sincere. No matter what she says, no matter how she acts, good or bad. Smile when you look into her eyes and be real.

 

A good friend once told me; "When's the last time you felt bad about something you didn't say?" It's called building character, and you're already ahead of the curve.

[hoping2heal]

If she thinks love relationships don't take work, consider yourself lucky for dodging the bullet. Yes, I'm sure in a way she is in cloud 9 right now, and OF COURSE it all works, it's a new relationship. They are all rainbows and kitty cats without being based on anything, because you haven't yet had to weather the storms. When things get rocky, hard, people are hurting, that's when it really counts; that's when you either learn to work through it and emerge with a stronger relationship and bond, and begin to fall in love all over again; this time those kitties and rainbows have an actual basis.

 

I think the relationships you have to work at will be the one's you value the most. I think that's a psychology no one can escape. She wants an easy peasy life? Let her. Where do you think the two of you would be in the long haul? With that kind of atitude, not far.

[Leveller]

For what it's worth I am in a similar situation. We broke up in Feb after a year and in March I found out she had got with someone else straight away. When I asked her directly if there was someone else she looked like the cat who ate the cream. Having been the backup boyfriend until 3 weeks ago when I went NC they seem to have a very up and down relationship at best and she keeps him at arms length whilst I dutifully carried out the mundane-i.e. taking her shopping/work, doing favours etc. as I wanted a second go through this method-see the 'afraid to love me thread' in the second chances forum for the whole sorry saga.

 

In other words she got the best of both worlds and got to enjoy all the fun things of a new relationship without any of the real baggage that comes with a serious loving relationship. Moreover she would tell me in detail what was happening between them and it is clear they already have problems. What I can't figure, like you JLR, is why?

 

Your words "like she was trying to convince HERSELF, not me" that she is blissfully happy struck a chord. My ex, also appears to be happy and contented most of the time but then seriously pissed off with him the next to the extent that they argue and don't speak for a week or see each other for a fortnight. I would hear all this and whilst I have no doubts she really does like him she is able to gloss over the fissures already apparent in their relationship and with me/friends and family pushing for us to get back together is more determined to make it work than she would otherwise.

 

My advice to you is steer clear and do NC, if you have got all the answers you are likely to get at the present, otherwise it will end up hurting you as it has me. My ex has frequently said she will probably live to regret her decision (and wanted me to stay in the picture just in case) but to do this she has to experience whether the grass is greener and life without me in any capacity. I hope this helps.

[jlr]

thanks to all of you. and yes, that did help.

 

i had to see her today actually. we finally were able to go to alltel to seperate the phone plan so it's not something we share anymore.

 

i was trying to be very cool and calm. i wanted to appear as if it wasn't bothering me. we went in, made small talk, talked to alltel, got it taken care of.

 

then, in the parking lot, she started saying something about how we both know each other really well and have alot of trust, and she hopes we can "continue to respect that about each other" - i don't know what that meant. but i was trying to just slush it off. then, i asked her about my friends wedding in august - if she was going. she said no. at first she said she couldn't get off work, then said, the truth is, it'd be hard to be at a wedding with you. to which i began to feel tears. it wasn't full on crying, but she could tell. i felt bad that i did that. i wanted to look tough. i wanted to seem like i was ok. at that point, i said if there was anything left over from my line on the next bill (they said there would be), to text or email the amount to me with her new address. she said she doesn't have a problem meeting up or seeing me. i just said, sort of sarcastically, it's not ME who's ever had the problem with us seeing each other.

 

then, she shook my hand. yeah, shook my hand. and thanked me for being cool and coming out to divide the phone bill. then tried to joke about my car - the door won't open on the driver side, something that always happens to my cars.

 

i got in the car and drove off. tears came down hard. i could barely drive. it was like a river.

 

back to NC.

 

i'm so lost. i'll never understand it.

[nopainnogain]

Is she lost without you?

How do you think it would make her feel if she knew you were lost without her?

would it make her want you more ?

 

rick.

[jlr]

well, she knows i'm lost without her.

and no, it isn't making her come back.

i know that.

 

as for her being lost without me...

i think she's lost period. she's just gonna run to the next person thinking that's the solution to all her problems. and that's sad.

 

but yeah, i have to see that if she isn't the type of person who wants to deal with problems, work on a relationship, or face pain - then why would i want her.

[Soul Bear]

Wow Bro...what a story. Hugs to you man.

[jlr]

thanks man.