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Pregnant & Depressed


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Posted

Hello everybody. I feel like if I don't tell someone my story I am going to explode! So, here we go...

I cheated on my husband last June (nearly a year ago) with a colleague whom I knew was interested in me, yet married. So, I approached him, we got to know each other, and had instant chemistry. I never fell in love so deep or hard for anyone so quickly in my whole life. It was like we were made for each other, and the love was reciprocated. Long story short, my husband found out about the affair, and as the OM said he would do, he denied our affair when his wife confronted him. His wife knew he was lying, so I provided her with letters that he had written me to prove that he did in fact cheat on her. I just felt so bad for the woman, and I wanted to come clean.

Well, it's been a year, and I still can't get over him. I attempted suicide twice I was so depressed. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. I want to stay with my husband, but I also love this OM soooooo much! I think about him everyday. I don't know what to do!?! It's not like I can actually talk to someone about how I'm still married to my husband but secretly crying in the shadows over the OM I had an affair with (who I presume is still married). To make matters worse, we still see each other all the time because we work at the same place, so we just ignore each other completely as we promised our spouses. I was doing well for a month or so, but the feelings are coming back.

I recently found out I am pregnant (10 weeks now), and I am not exactly happy about it becuase I feel like it seals the deal ya know? There are no more hope for me and the OM to get together...it's gone. And the thought of that is debilitating. I want to have this child and turn a new leaf, but then again I don't think I really want to. My husband has been great to me, even though he is an avid drinker, but something inside of me wants to run far far away into the arms of this OM. What do I do?????

Posted

Saying you want to run into the arms of OM is at this point the equivalent of saying you want to run off to never never land.

 

The OM, and a relationship with him is not reality.

We all have to deal with reality.

Your reality is difficult to deal with, you are living unhappily in your marriage, and now you are pregnant. Already unhappy, maybe depressed, you are now dealing with hormones which may have added to your sudden relapse of longing for the OM again.

 

Recovery after infidelity doesn't just mean staying married. Both partners have to make changes, both partners have to come to terms with the problems in the marriage.

 

Have you and your H done anything to improve your marriage?

Posted

I strongly suggest counseling for yourself and as a couple. There are so many things that need to be addressed especially now that you have a baby on the way. I wouldn't suggest staying together just because you are pregnant, but it does push the urgency of getting things settled between you.

 

If your husband has been "great" to you, then appeal to that love and ask him to work with you. Now is the time to rekindle your marriage if there is something left to save. Even though you can't stop thinking about the other man, you need to do this. He is not loving you back - since he is ignoring you at work. He used you, though you admit to seeking him out. Is it possible for you to change jobs? It would be a huge step toward letting the OM go as you would no longer have a daily reminder of him or repeating patterns that draw you toward him.

 

You need to take care of yourself... love yourself... forgive yourself. You are growing a life inside and need to consider the energy you are delivering into that little innocent baby. You owe it not only to yourself, but to the baby to have things settle as much as possible before the baby arrives. You have 30 weeks - get going!

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Posted

That's the thing, we have made some good changes in our relationship. It has gotten a lot better, but for some reason I feel like it just isn't enough, or what I want. I don't think he will ever be the man that I truly want, so I settle for what I have. The changes I want him to make require him to change his whole personality and intellect...so it's probably not going to happen. And so I have tried to deal with that...although it's hard. I married him when I was young, and it was a dumb idea. I've known that for several years now. I'm just not interested in him the way I used to be when I was an adolescent...(I know, we never are). A part of me wants our marriage to work out, the other part of me doesn't believe a truly happy marriage with him or anyone else for that matter is possible...haven't met truly happy married people yet...always seems to be too much compromise with your self identitiy...it seems to get lost or subsumed along the way. I'm just unsure of how I am going to get over this OM (it's been a year and we haven't exchanged a word!) or this dreadful feeling that I am going to be tied to my husband forever through a child now. (which sounds awful and I feel guilty for thinking it)

Posted

Getting married young isn't always a terrible thing, but sometimes it hurts later because you have both grown and matured in different ways. That doesn't have to mean that there is nothing to work with in your marriage. It is so hard when you want to completely change core parts of your husband, but if there is real love between you then there is something to work with him on.

 

Here is a suggestion for you to do this weekend:

Go to a place you haven't been to in a long time or make a nice dinner or get some take out. Take a trip down memory lane. Bring out old pictures of when you were dating, get out wedding pictures/video, and talk with him about how things used to be. Do you laugh? Does it make you feel warm and connected to him? Does it stir in you the love you have together?

 

Also... can you get a new job? Having a daily reminder of OM is just not healthy. You are repeating actions of when you were together and of course you can't get him out of your head. You will not be able to move on if you don't move on. Something has to change and it has to be you.

 

I know you have the "dreadful feeling that you will be tied to husband forever" and with a child that is true you will be forever connected... but it doesn't have to be awful. It is a sign of deep unrest and if you can't capture the love in your heart to help you move forward together it will not be the end of the world if you move apart. It won't be easy, but sometimes the best things in life are not easy.

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