quankanne Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 not sure what status you need, but there is a private messaging function on this site. Just click on the person's name, scroll down to "PM" and a prompt will kick up to send the message.
Owl Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Once you've been a member long enough here, and you've reached a certain number of posts, you get PM privileges which allow you to do so. Until then, your only option is to post on the threads. Its normally better to post openly anyway...the more input you get, the better decisions you can make.
Author OFGnomore Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 It was you I was actually wanting to contact. Need support during reconcilation. Want to know the books you read and tips on getting through the first year.
Owl Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Let me have a bit of time to get some stuff worked through, and I'll post some advice back to this thread later today if possible. I'll be glad to offer whatever I can to help you, friend.
Author OFGnomore Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Thanks Owl. BTW, I'm a fellow midwesterner, WS female. Ended the A in August, confessed in January.
Owl Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 OFGnomore, sorry for not getting back with you yesterday. You'd asked about some of the "resources" we'd used during our recovery... There were a couple of great books I'd suggest: "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley "His Needs/Her Needs" by Dr Harley "20 (Suprisingly Simple!) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens "The Five Love Languages" by Dr Gary Chapman I'd also add in here as "critical" for our recovery was a GOOD marriage counselor...one who is capable of making BOTH spouses feel comfortable, and has a good plan for marital recovery after infidelity. We needed MC primarily as a "safe place" for communication that was too difficult for us to work through after her affair. I'm not sure what specific issues you guys are dealing with right now in your recovery, so I just gave some high level stuff. Do you have any specific questions or issues that you're trying to work on?
Author OFGnomore Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Do you have any specific questions or issues that you're trying to work on? Yes, at 6 months out. I think the new reality of disclosure is hitting. Meaning so much energy was put into managing the crisis after I confessed. Now it seems like both parties are back in their corners dealing with their lives. There has been no contact since January. Now its like walking through the ashes after a bomb hit. Is this typical so far out? To feel this disoriented? It's like really coming to terms with a new reality that is immensely painful.
Owl Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Yep...sounds pretty typical for the six month timeframe. Both of you are just starting to realize that there is NO "quick fix" to this. What happened completely changed the landscape of your relationship...and nothing is going to change it back anytime soon. You're both just now starting to get the "scope" of how much work this is going to take to make it work. This is also when most BS's anger tends to peak as well. Between six and nine months post d-day. Here are a couple of things to consider. First...schedule your time to discuss the affair and marriage. Don't just talk about it whenever it pops up. Set a specific date/time...like Sunday and Thursday from 7pm-8pm. Both of you start bringing a notebook to these sit down, face to face conversations. For the first one, just start discussing whatever is most relevent. Keep going until you've worked through all the issues you're dealing with at the moment, or until the time ends. At the end of the time, document what you need to in your journal so that you can pick up where you left off in the next session. During the interval times, whenever a question or issue comes up...don't bring it up right then. Write it down in your journal...and bring it up in your next sessions. When the time ends...the subject is DROPPED, and walked away from. And...schedule a treat for the both of you at that time. Ice cream worked wonders for my wife and I!!! On nights when you're NOT holding these discussions...at least once a week, schedule an "event" for the two of you to do together. Alternate who manages/schedules the event. Make it something that the both of you can share and have fun with. Do somethings that you'd never done before...like one of those pottery barn trips...a trip to a carnival if one is in town...a shopping trip through the plaza...romantic dinner...rent a movie...you get the idea. RECONNECT TIME. Take a look at that book I'd suggested..."20 Surprisingly Simple...". My wife and I would spend about 15 minutes a night reading a chapter in that book and discussing it before we went to bed. That's another possibility for you if you'd like. Hope these suggestions help.
Author OFGnomore Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Yep...sounds pretty typical for the six month timeframe. Both of you are just starting to realize that there is NO "quick fix" to this. What happened completely changed the landscape of your relationship...and nothing is going to change it back anytime soon. You're both just now starting to get the "scope" of how much work this is going to take to make it work. This is also when most BS's anger tends to peak as well. Between six and nine months post d-day. Here are a couple of things to consider. First...schedule your time to discuss the affair and marriage. Don't just talk about it whenever it pops up. Set a specific date/time...like Sunday and Thursday from 7pm-8pm. Both of you start bringing a notebook to these sit down, face to face conversations. For the first one, just start discussing whatever is most relevent. Keep going until you've worked through all the issues you're dealing with at the moment, or until the time ends. At the end of the time, document what you need to in your journal so that you can pick up where you left off in the next session. During the interval times, whenever a question or issue comes up...don't bring it up right then. Write it down in your journal...and bring it up in your next sessions. When the time ends...the subject is DROPPED, and walked away from. And...schedule a treat for the both of you at that time. Ice cream worked wonders for my wife and I!!! On nights when you're NOT holding these discussions...at least once a week, schedule an "event" for the two of you to do together. Alternate who manages/schedules the event. Make it something that the both of you can share and have fun with. Do somethings that you'd never done before...like one of those pottery barn trips...a trip to a carnival if one is in town...a shopping trip through the plaza...romantic dinner...rent a movie...you get the idea. RECONNECT TIME. Take a look at that book I'd suggested..."20 Surprisingly Simple...". My wife and I would spend about 15 minutes a night reading a chapter in that book and discussing it before we went to bed. That's another possibility for you if you'd like. Hope these suggestions help. I think the key is to KEEP TALKING. It's easy to get busy and put it all on the back burner and get back to a "functional marriage". I really like the dinner, one on one w/o the kids time. I have a harder time getting H to do this. He thinks a family night out is "quality time" and it is but not what we or maybe just I need to feel like a fulfilled adult. Is there anyway to send a private message I can't find any tab to do so. Do you PM with other members OWL? Or do you keep it on the main board for boundary reasons? I would completely understand that. Lack of boundaries is another huge factor that got me into this mess. I became xOMs emotional sounding board, his best friend, then 6 months into it it went physical. This isn't how I thought affairs happen. I thought they happen to selfish people picking up people at the bar. You know from 0-60 in a night. ETA: Any other "time frames" that stand out? I'd like to manage any additional surprises.
Owl Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 You're going to have to continue posting until you've reached whatever the required post count is to get PM priviledges here. To send a PM, click on the name or avatar of the person you want to send the PM to...it should come up as an option when you're able to do so. I've looked, and I can't send you a PM yet, so I'm assuming that you're not able to send/receive them yet. I do prefer posting in an open forum for the boundary reasons you mentioned, but I will accept PM's if need be...I've had a lot of people PM me when they want to discuss something without being flamed by other posters. What specifically are the two of you actively doing to recover your marriage from all of this?
Author OFGnomore Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 You're going to have to continue posting until you've reached whatever the required post count is to get PM priviledges here. To send a PM, click on the name or avatar of the person you want to send the PM to...it should come up as an option when you're able to do so. I've looked, and I can't send you a PM yet, so I'm assuming that you're not able to send/receive them yet. I do prefer posting in an open forum for the boundary reasons you mentioned, but I will accept PM's if need be...I've had a lot of people PM me when they want to discuss something without being flamed by other posters. What specifically are the two of you actively doing to recover your marriage from all of this? MC. But H's work schedule got busy as of late so I've been going to the appointments alone and I'm worried we're going to fall back into old habits. We're back on board this week and I/we need to make it a top priority. And I've done a ton of reading prior to disclosure and afterward including IC. Will continue to do a lot of reading, praying, growing for myself. H hasn't forgiven me for this although much of the intense anger is gone. There's more residual sadness and grief at this point. When does forgiveness usually come. Is it possible to do it quickly? This is when I wish I was Catholic. Go to confession and be absolved instantly! ETA: <sarcasim regarding the confession.
Owl Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Forgiveness tends to depend on the situation and people involved. I "forgave" my wife immediately...but then realized that I really needed to understand the full scope of what it was I was being asked to forgive...and that took time to get from her, as well as processing time for me. Another factor here is how much true remorse and regret the fWS displays as well. If he doesn't believe that you truly regret what happened...he's less likely to forgive. But again...THERE IS NO QUICK FIX. They say that it typically takes YEARS for a marriage to recover from infidelity...assuming that it can. I've read statistics that <35% typically recover and survive 5 years past d-day. Our marriage really was recovered around the 2 year mark...but we pretty much did everything right, and had a HECK of a great foundation to rebuild from.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Actually, if you become a supporting member you receive PM privaleges right away. Its very inexpensive.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I think the key is to KEEP TALKING. It's easy to get busy and put it all on the back burner and get back to a "functional marriage". I really like the dinner, one on one w/o the kids time. I have a harder time getting H to do this. He thinks a family night out is "quality time" and it is but not what we or maybe just I need to feel like a fulfilled adult. thing is, you probably felt like a "fulfilled adult" with the OM because the OM doesn't have the burden of living with you. The OM doesn't have the burden of going through the daily trials of marriage and parenting with you. This is where WSs seem to delusion themselves thinking that the grass is greener on the other side because the affair partner doesn't have to carry all of their baggage. I became xOMs emotional sounding board, his best friend, then 6 months into it it went physical. This isn't how I thought affairs happen. I thought they happen to selfish people picking up people at the bar. you saying your affair was not the act of 2 selfish people here?
Author OFGnomore Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 thing is, you probably felt like a "fulfilled adult" with the OM because the OM doesn't have the burden of living with you. The OM doesn't have the burden of going through the daily trials of marriage and parenting with you. This is where WSs seem to delusion themselves thinking that the grass is greener on the other side because the affair partner doesn't have to carry all of their baggage. you saying your affair was not the act of 2 selfish people here? Okay, ok, now that I'm getting to know some of the personalities on the board I was just about to delete the "selfish" because I thought it would be misconstrued. Yes it was and before my experience, I didn't realize that often develop more subtley than what makes for good TV.
Author OFGnomore Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Forgiveness tends to depend on the situation and people involved. I "forgave" my wife immediately...but then realized that I really needed to understand the full scope of what it was I was being asked to forgive...and that took time to get from her, as well as processing time for me. Another factor here is how much true remorse and regret the fWS displays as well. If he doesn't believe that you truly regret what happened...he's less likely to forgive. But again...THERE IS NO QUICK FIX. They say that it typically takes YEARS for a marriage to recover from infidelity...assuming that it can. I've read statistics that <35% typically recover and survive 5 years past d-day. Our marriage really was recovered around the 2 year mark...but we pretty much did everything right, and had a HECK of a great foundation to rebuild from. So did you tell her you "unforgive" her and then did the hard work? Where did you get the less than 35% stat?
Owl Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 So did you tell her you "unforgive" her and then did the hard work? Not exactly. During MC, I told her that I'd forgiven her shortly after d-day...but I was still strugging to understand exactly what all it was that I was forgiving her for, especially given how she struggled with telling the full truth from the beginning. In the end...she knows now that she's been totally forgiven...and we're in a far better place now than we were then. Where did you get the less than 35% stat? Per stats that I read over on the marriagebuilders forum (which I heartily recommend you do NOT post on...they're not known for their kindness for fWW), Dr Harley estimated that 2/3rds of the marriages that suffered infidelity ended in divorce in < 5 years after d-day. So on average, approximately 1/3rd of marriages that dealt with infidelity recovered.
z1850 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Does anybody know how many posts are necessary to be promoted to Established Member?
Lizzie60 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 It depends.. Why not subscribe.. you get that priviledge right away.. and it's the price of a latte.. really!!!! you got to be really cheap to enjoy a site like this one and not subscribe...
Andy L Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I can't send you a PM yet, so I'm assuming that you're not able to send/receive them yet. Do you can't send PM because OFGnomore has few posts to receive one or because you can't send to anybody???
Andy L Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Actually, if you become a supporting member you receive PM privaleges right away. Its very inexpensive. Ok, but if I become a support and receive PM privileges, Can I send PM to users who have few posts also or ONLY to users with a lot of posts? Thanks:cool:
Owl Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 PM'ing depends on YOUR ability to send posts (which is based on time on site and # of posts, OR your becoming a supporting member)...and your intended recipient's ability to receive your posts (they too have to have reached the minimum # of posts/time, or be a supporting member). At the time of this post, the OP didn't have sufficient time/# of posts to have activated PM'ing on their side, which was why I was unable to send them a PM.
Thaddeus Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 At the time of this post, the OP didn't have sufficient time/# of posts to have activated PM'ing on their side, which was why I was unable to send them a PM. The FAQ bit about PMing reads as follows:Access to the private messaging facilities of the site are determined based on the length of membership and the number of posts contributed to the public forums.But nowhere, at least that I can find, is there a quantified requirement of how many posts and how long one has had their membership outlined before PMs become active.
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