enavyblue Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I'm am extremely confused about my situation and I'm looking for any insight that anyone can provide. I apologize in advance if this repeats what people have said on other threads and the length. I just want to be through. I (age 33) started dating my ex-girlfriend (age 28) in January and we immediately hit it off. We moved fairly fast but we both admitted that it seemed correct and we were very open with each other if we thought things were moving too fast or too slow. We never had any major conflicts and talked frequently about our goals, what we were looking for individually, and our differences. We never "fought" once because we discussed things calmly and resolved any issues that came up. She admitted to me that while she has dated other people in her life, this was her first "real" relationship. I had dated other people in the past and was engaged once 9 years. She admitted that I was the first person she had ever said she loved and she was only the second person I've ever told I've loved them. The only major difference that I knew might be an issue at some point was our religious beliefs. She is a fairly devout Catholic and, when we started dating I told her I was an atheist. I was afraid this would be a major sticking point but she claimed that for now, she didn't have a problem with it and if it became an issue would talk about it in the future. More on this later. At the beginning of April, things are still fantastic. We have been dating for three months and, again while things were moving fast, we both agreed it felt appropriate and it didn't bother either one of us. She asked me if I wanted to go meet her parents for a weekend and I agreed. Right before we left, she remarked how happy she was for me to be going with her, how much I would love her parents, and how happy she was with our relationship. We go to her family home and it was a good time. I'll be the first to admit that I really wasn't myself the entire time I was there. Normally, I don't get nervous in most situations but this one really threw me for a loop. Also, while I knew her parents were doing well financially, I was not prepared for the vast difference between the financial wealth she came from and what I was used to in my family growing up and my own current situation. My ex-girlfriend never once gave any pretense or airs of "being wealthy" and the juxtaposition really shocked me. The day after we got back, she started acting very oddly. We went from talking and be with each other whenever we could to her being very emotionally cut off or literally not wanting to speak to me all together. When I asked her if she wanted to "talk," she said no and everything was fine; that she didn't feel well. On Wednesday night, she asked if we could meet after work for dinner the next day so we can "talk." That Thursday she said she wanted to end the relationship now "even though everything has been wonderful" because there are enough differences between us that "everything might be perfect now" but in the future it will cause incompatibility and she wants to end it now instead of the future when it's harder to do. To say I did not see this coming would be an understatement. I ask her was it because of something I did over the weekend with her parents. She says no, her parents "loved" me. She doesn't explain anything further because at this point I excuse myself to go to the bathroom to compose myself. (I take 15 minutes in the bathroom because I start throwing up.) Later that night after talking to her that evening on the phone and doing my best not to sound like I was pleading for her to come back (which I probably was) she said she would call me after she got back next week from being out-of-town for work. We don’t communicate with each other over the weekend. When she left Monday for business I send her a text saying, “Have a safe trip.” She texts back, “Thanks!” While she is gone I have two running thoughts: I have no clue as to why this has ended and I’ve let many things slip through my fingers in my life that I’m not going to let this slip away without a fight. While she is away, I decide I am going to make a ‘bold’ statement. I make a box that is plain black on the outside and when you open it, it’s filled with lights and flowers, framed picture of a glowing heart floating in the flowers, and a note telling her to go to a specific website. When you go to the website, it shows a stop motion animation I made involving the heart and flowers and what I think about her and our relationship and ends with me directly addressing the camera with more to share about my feelings and why I think we should try to make it work. I know she will be back early Friday morning so I leave the box at her apartment door on Thursday night. Note: it took me a hour of pacing up and down her street to decided whether or not to leave it there and I ultimately did. On the Friday she came back, I receive this email: (enavyblue), I received your present and saw the video online. First, I ask that you take the video down as soon as possible. I've heard what you wanted to say and I don't feel comfortable with my personal information on the web regardless of who has the address. I understand you had things left to say and you used that format to express yourself. However, it does not change how I feel towards our relationship. I had hoped to speak with you today, as I mentioned I was going to call you when I got back from (business.) But I think we should take a few weeks to not speak or contact one another. (ex-girlfriend) After receiving this email, she blocks me on Google IM, twitter, and facebook. I send her this email in response: (ex-girlfriend), I wanted to let you know that by the time you read this the video has been locked down, no one can see it, and will have been removed. Take as much time as you need. If you can arrange for my things that are at your place to get back to me would I appreciate that. You can come up with whatever option is convenient to you. There is nothing that is time sensitive. Take care, (enavyblue) After two weeks of receiving this email and no contact, I decide to reach out to a mutual friend of my ex-girlfriend and myself. The mutual friend has known my ex-girlfriend for 6 years and was the one who introduced us. I basically pour my heart out to her via email saying how I would do anything to make this right and why won’t my ex-girlfriend talk to me. The mutual friend sends this email: First, no need to apologize for writing - ever. But I'll be honest - while I appreciate you emailing me, and I very much sympathize - for both of you - and really wish I could help make this situation better because I hate to see two people I very much care about in so much pain...I'd prefer to stay out of it. Not that I'd have much to offer, because [the ex-girlfriend] breaking up with you was as much a shock to me, and I don't really know any more than you do about the details of her reasons for breaking up with you...but I didn't press her for details, either - I just don't think it's any of my business. The only thing I can offer either of you is my friendship and support, whatever happens, and just urge you to just talk to each other about this. I'm honestly sorry about this situation, though...please know that. The next Monday I decide that I’m going to go live my life and just do what I would normally do so I go a bar that both the ex-girlfriend and I have gone to but she would not normally be there on Monday. As I arrive, the ex-girlfriend is there. While we don’t talk to each other, she has to pass me at one point she says something light-hearted to me and when she passes me again to leave, she stops for a brief second to say goodbye and leaves. Another week, no contact. While talking my friend who has the same first name as my ex-girlfriend via IM, I accidentally click my ex-girlfriend's name on my buddy list and send the message intended for my friend to the ex-girlfriend. (If you're curious, we were talking about the new Star Trek movie and I sent her the message: “No, no, you should really go see it. It’s a great time.”) I use an IM program that combines every IM service. While my ex-girlfriend had blocked me on Google Talk, she still appeared on her AOL account on my IM client. I swear up and down that it was not trying to IM my ex-girlfriend. Needless to say, the ex-girlfriend's AOL account disappeared from my IM immediately since she blocked me. Another week, no contact (now four weeks since the break up,) I am getting fed up that we haven't talked and haven't resolved why this has happened. I feel completely in the dark why this has happened and I'm starting to get angry. To compound to this, she still has not returned any of my things that are still at her apartment. (My thinking is if you really want to be done with me, then give me my things back and clear me out of your life forever.) After I calm down, my thought process is if we could meet somewhere casual and non-threatening to even establish we can talk with each other, things will probably go a lot more smoothly. So, I call her and her voicemail is full, so I instead send her this email: Hello there, I wanted to see if you were available for a little bit after work tomorrow (Monday) to go grab some coffee. I was thinking [a location in between where both of us work] at like 5:30pm? Just let me know either way. Also, I did call you to ask you if you wanted to meet up except your VM was full or I would left a message there. Thanks and take care, (enavyblue) She sends me this in response: Hey, I'm not able to meet. I'll email you later when my schedule frees up. [ex-girlfriend] Approximately two weeks pass, no contact between us at all and she calls me at noon this past Saturday. She leaves the message, “Hi there, I don’t know what your schedule is today but I was going to do some errands and wanted to know if I could come by and drop off your things. Let me know if you’re available and I’ll talk to you later.” I receive this message while I’m at a friend’s house 50 miles away helping him move. By the time I get back to my place, it's 6pm and leave her this message, “Hello, I’m calling to let you know that I got your message and I literally just got [home]. I have to stop at the corner store to pick up two things and then I’ll be home for the rest of the day. Call me if you want to come over. Thanks.” She does not respond. Knowing that my Sunday is going to be goofy as well, I send her this text message at 10am: “If you’re free today, I’ll be back at [home] by 5pm. I can pick up my things or you can drop them off, whatever is easier for you. Have a great day.” At 4pm, the ex-girlfriend sends this text message, “I can’t make it tonight since I’m busy. We’ll work it out later this week. Have a good night.” The next day (this past Monday,) I send her this email and have not heard any response from her: Hi there, Wanted to let you know my tentative schedule for the week. I'm doing something this evening and tomorrow (Tuesday) evening. I have nothing planned this Wednesday or Thursday evening. I have something tentative Friday evening but it can be rescheduled. Saturday and Sunday, I have things in the morning and should be back at my apartment by 12:30pm at the latest and free the rest of the day. Let me know what works for you. I can come over to your place or you can come over to mine. Thanks and have a great day, (enavyblue) And that’s where we’re at. I still haven’t talked to her about the breakup except through my one-sided, emotional manner. At least from my perspective, she won’t communicate with me about anything. While I really don’t know the exact reasons why the break-up occurred, these are the only things I can think of: She is incredibly close with her parents and they either directly voiced their disapproval of me or she felt some sort of pressure by them (directly or perceived) to break-up with me.She said this is her first real relationship and she doesn't know how to operate within it. Something came up (her own concerns or from outside pressure) and she didn't know how to go about it dealing with it so she completely shut down and decided to cut it off than deal with it.She’s been feeling this for awhile and basically lying to me in the meantime and just needed to work up the nerve to break it off. I'm not saying I'm the greatest human being in the world. I know my faults and insecurities. I felt I was completely open with her about those. Maybe I wasn't, or maybe I was too open and scared her off. The things I can think of that would be a negative is my current work situation and financial standing (I don't like my job, it's not very financially stable job, and I'm essentially broke) and I've dealt with depression issues for a good chunk of my life. In regards to my working situation, I'm actually up for two promotions that will change my financial standing significantly but all of this started occurring AFTER we broke up even though the seeds to get this started happened WHILE we were dating. As for the depression issues, I started truly dealing with them before we started dating and she was the first person I've dated not-depressed and with a clear sense of myself and my future. She knew about them and I was very open about it and the new, extremely happy place in my life. The last thing I could think of that is negative for me is my religious standpoint. While we were dating, something "happened" to me that got me thinking that I should return to church and exploring my faith. (If you want to know what "happened," DM me. Not that I'm embarrassed but I don't want to turn this into a discussion of faith.) I started going to mass without telling my ex-girlfriend because I wanted to make sure that I was confident in my decision and that I was doing it for me and not her. I never told her that I started to renew my faith and we broke up before I had the chance. Her behavior is unlike any person I've dealt with personally in former dating situations and when I tell friends and family about this, they are completely baffled as well. We literally went from being very open and communicative and within a weekend, it all got shut off. I don't know why she is keeping my things. We have enough mutual friends that she could have given them to any number of people at anytime. I know she knows my address; she could have mailed them as well. How she is behaving now is a complete and total opposite of how she normally acts. As much as I mentally know this relationship is over, emotionally, I'm still very much attached to her. I know this is cliched, I know this has been said all over this board, but I would truly do anything in the world to make things right with her to give this relationship another chance. What I am afraid of (and starting to accept,) if her current behavior is any indication, she won't make the effort to make it work on her end. Any insight, suggestions, anything at all will be greatly appreciated. I have good days and I have bad days. When I was engaged so many years ago I wasn't even this upset and lovesick over my ex-fiance (who I dated for 5 years) after we broke up than I am over my ex-girlfriend of a little over 3 months. I'm sorry for the long post but I just wanted to make sure I got the facts right as closely as possible. Thanks everyone.
screwedup®retful Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Hey There, You know, I totally can relate to everything going off like a switch and I am not sure that anyone can truly offer you any explanation that will afford you any consolation whatsoever. While my situation is different, we went from an exceptionally open and communicative relationship to zero, nada, nilch and it was me who attempted to be in contact with her and she would have nothing to do with it. As far as I know, she still has a bunch of my stuff, still wears around a necklace I gave her and lots of stuff that "seems" like there might be hope, but it has been almost 6 months and I really don't think there is. Again, my situation started with ME breaking up with her, but when I went back to apologize, she had made the decision to not speak with me or allow me a chance to apologize or in anyway try and express myself or dialogue with her. So, the best "advice" I can give is to focus on yourself. It sounds like you have a pretty busy schedule already and you should keep it that way. Even though you might not feel like it, I would even suggest going out on some very low-key casual dates with some attractive girls. This is really just to show yourself that you REMAIN worthy of someone else's attention. While your ex may very well have shown you things about yourself and about how you can feel when your with someone great, that is not something that just goes away because she isn't in your life anymore. You had a great, life changing experience with her in just 3 months and you will have that for every relationship you are in for the rest of your life. That's awesome, man! The one thing that is CRITICAL for you to keep your eye on here is that you did NOTHING wrong. Don't replay things in your head and ask what you could have done different. She has made a choice which is about herself and not you. Not your faith, not your depression, not her parents opinion of you, good or bad, has anything to do with you. You seem like a really sharp person, very deserving of someone who will choose you. Believe me, it will happen. As a fellow guy, there aren't too many of us worth picking and keeping, so the few of us that are worth it are like straight guys in the cast of a Broadway play....we are THE pick of the litter. Head High.
Cinnamon777 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I think you have a lot going for you and wracking your brain trying to figure out what happened is akin to banging your head against the wall - it'll just result in a headache. If your stuff isn't very important, let it go. Maybe you will get it back, but don't let it hold you back from moving on. Whatever her reasons, and maybe she doesn't full understand herself, she is the one loosing out here. You seem like a very conscientious guy and deserve someone of equal caliber. You are still young and life is short. Go live! Love will grace you again...
Author enavyblue Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Thanks for responding. It was nice to get that off my chest. There are days where I'm "fine" and there are days, like today, where I completely just lose my collective crap and I can't believe that everything has turned out this way. If could just sit and talk to her and really find out her perspective, I know that would give me significant closure. The hard part is accepting that it will probably never happen. Also, the other thought that runs through my head over and over is if my ex was worried about what I might be like in the future, she has severely underestimated what I am capable of. I have an inner-strength like I've never had before (in everything except for this) and to doubt what my future entails is her loss. Plus, if doesn't think I'm capable of being the person I can be and the person she deserves, then again, she is losing out. @screwedup®retful - Thanks for the advice and encouragement. I don't how sharp I am/was before or after this happened (I'm trying to be funny), but I know what you mean. @Cinnamon777 - Thank you for the kind words. The only reason my items mean anything to me is some of them are kitchen items that I need to even make dinner for myself. Not that they aren't replaceable, but they include dishes my sister made for me that have sentimental value.
Recommended Posts