Stealthyone1161 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Hey, So i want to know if i should start thinking about moving on or should i try to stick things out. I normally can reason things out myself but i am completely split on this. I apologize for the long explanation leading up to the problem, i can be a bit long winded at times. To begin we are both 25, I have known my wife for 10 years, been together for 8 and married for 5. We have a beautiful son that's almost 2 1/2. Been high school sweethearts since freshman year. The first few years were up and down but nothing to dramatic. She has never liked my family nor i hers and our family's feel the exact same way, no one likes anyone else but us two. I was serving active duty in the Marine Corps for the first 4 years of our marriage. We both handled the military life in our own way but we both worked through it and were mostly happy. When i was deployed to Iraq i fell in love with a fellow Marine i worked closely with, she was going threw all the bs i was going threw right at my side and never faltered. Her strength both physical and mental made a big impression on me, she has the same feelings for me as well. We never got together physically but our relationship was very unique. We both love each other dearly but she (at the time) was married as well and we kept our relationship purely emotional. To this day we still keep in contact and have a very close friendship (to the bane of my wife) and yes by the way i understand that this emotional relationship is possibly a huge source of our marriage problems. When i came home from Iraq eventually after i got settled back into a daily routine i told my wife about my feelings for her. Long story short we both got very emotional and i ended up defending myself from a punch in the face... a few times. Because of telling her about that relationship my wife does not trust me as far as she can throw me now. She has always been controlling, suspicious, and underhanded when it comes to our relationship though. For example she checks who i'm calling (phone bill), who's texting me (checking my phone when im not looking) having her family keep an eye on me, before i caught on and changed my password she used to check my e-mail while i was deployed and deleted e-mails from my family and friends she didn't like so i wouldn't get them, and accuses me of being unfaithful the moment she finds something she classifies as suspicious. I have never freely allowed her to do this hence a big part of the "ups and downs" in our relationship. I love her dearly with no question and i can understand why she is so invasive now because of what happened but i have always been able to deal with our problems until now (and it felt like it took the patience of a saint on my part to get threw this). Just recently a close friend of mine from the Marine Corps invited me to come see him and his wife, even offering to pay for the plane ticket and hotel. But because he is in the same area that the Marine i fell in love with used to be my wife automatically told me no i can't go. She forbid me from going she said because i can't prove that the woman i was in love with is still not in the area, and she can't go to keep an eye on me. Now 2 weeks later she came to me and said I can go to see my friend if i let her go out for drinks with and old friend of hers, both she and him have admitted to having feelings for each other in the past. So not to be a hypocrite and to show her i trust her, i told her she didn't need my permission to go but she had it anyway, and all i asked for return was to not come home at 4 in the morning drunk, and not to give me grief over going to see my friend. So she went, and came home at a decent hour and everything was fine. Then last night she started asking me about having an "open marriage" and told me it was hard for her to not have sex with him. Now this woman is FIERCELY controlling but i rarely let her control me unless the situation is apropriet (few and far between IMO). I'f i so much as glance at another woman the wrong way i get scolded, let alone be in a relationship, even if its just plutonic. And now she is telling me she doesn't mind me having sex with another woman , she just doesn't want me to do it behind her back, and so long as she can do the same. Now to be honest i will admit that i have thought about sleeping with other women, i am after all compelled by who knows how many years of evolution to spread my seed as many women as possible just like every other man on the planet. But the idea of her being with another man, especially willingly, makes my head swim with anger and jealously. If I could have my pick of any woman at any time i still wouldn't be comfortable with her being with someone else. And yes i know its a double standard but that's why i haven't cheated on my wife, i want to be with other women yes, badly, but i won't because of the consequences. Recently she has been very open about showing interest in men she works with and see's out and about. This is very unusual for her. As far as our sex life goes thought it has its ups and downs. I have always been an advocate to make sure she is satisfied at the same time or before i am. Since our son came along her libido kicked the bucket. Very rarely does she come to me and ask for sex, but when we do i make sure like i said before that she gets what she wants and is satisfied. As far as how often, maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Also i talked to three of my closest friends (separetly) and they all suggested that i go threw with it and have an open marriage. Stating that we both want to try new things and it might be good for us. I talked to her about it again but said if this must happen, i want to be separated when it does so neither of us will be accountable to the other for anything. She doesn't want to separate but i think she is considering. One more thing as well. After talking with her old friend over drinks she apologized for how she reacted when i first told her about my friend, saying now she understands why i confided in her when we were at odds (VERY out of character for her, she NEVER admits to being wrong about ANYTHING). Now this barely scratches the surface of the drama that is our marriage but is what is most directly related to whats going on right now. So my question is that is this a sign that she is tired of me? and me of her? should i really consider an open marriage? or separation? or even divorce? have i been trying to keep us together and help her help herself through all the bs over these years only to end up with a bigger break up and nothing to show for it but my son in the end? I'm in love with her yes, but with the way things are right now i'm not happy, and it looks like she isn't either from my point of view. But if i do leave her without it being mutual it will emotionally destroy her, and i mean DESTROY. She is an unstable girl with a history of self mutilation, and i am terrified that this will come back with a vengance and especialy with my son around her i am even more hesitant, i feel responsible for this behavior from her because of all the hardship we have been threw all these years. Before you ask yes i have tried counceling. I have gone myself several times and she refuses to go at all. I got her to go to one session by threat of divorce and nothing since. So there it is, destroy her life to make me happy, or stay were i am and continue to be unhappy myself for the sake of our marriage and my son. As far as i can see, unless she aggree's to separate peacefully, this is a lose lose situation for everyone and im genuinly scared of what might happen. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Stealthyone1316
Cinnamon777 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Wow... you are going through quite a lot right now. I have had quite a long struggle in my marriage and we discussed having an open marriage for a few years. For my part, I have come to realize that I wanted an open marriage as an excuse for not being able to admit that I didn't really want to be in my marriage any more. I think that if I loved my husband and felt satisfied with our marriage I would not consider being with another person. We did explore the open marriage and he ended up sharing a night with another woman - I was excited the door was open for me and I was not upset at all. It was not what he wanted though and it made him realize that he didn't want me to be with anyone else. The whole experience made things worse because ultimately we were simply avoiding all the problems. I would strongly recommend that you go to couple counseling to explore the issues and feelings between you. If that is not going to work - one or both of you unwilling - I just finished reading a great book that validated my decision that it's time for me to end my marriage. The title is "Too Good to Leave and Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's very positive and walks you through questions to help you determine where your feelings are regarding a wide range of marriage/relationship aspects. You have come through a lot already and if you love her it seems like there is still something worth fighting for with her... but... if she is acting like she is interested in others and wants an open marriage, IMO she is already half way out of the door. You will need to do some serious work to show her there is something worth staying for, but I would not recommend lying down and being a mat for her to walk all over. Ultimately - you NEED to stay true to yourself.
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