famke Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 hello everyone, so I am a 18 year old girl and he's a 26. (yes I know there is a age-difference, but please don't comment on that because were I come from it's quite normal en legal. so that's not the problem.) I am outgoing, spontanious, creative etc. He is a shy, down to earth, no-nonsense type of guy. But he is also really sweet en has a great sense of humor. I met him a year ago, we started flirting a bit, but he's really shy and I did'nt know what to do with it. His best friends told me he was in love with me, but I didn't do anything with it. I liked him a little bit too, but I wasn;t in love or anything.. so once a while I ran into him on the street, we talked a bit. sometimes online.. nothing more. But he still didn't ask me out or something. A couple months ago I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and I started thinking about him again. I realised how crazy he was about me, and how he was everything my ex-boyfriend wasn't. So I started talking to one of my (girl)friends about him. She started matching us together. She said that he still really likes me, but he is taking it slow because he's been hurt a lot in the past. I wrote him this email, just to say: hi! how are you doing? now we are sending messages on the phone to eachother and he finally asked me out. Were having a date this weekend at my place. Now it hits me.... He is really nice, but I'm really scared that I dont like him in the way he likes me. He is really shy around me, starts blossing and stuff. He asks my friends about me. I know he's in love with me... I really dont wanna break his heart.. I mean.. I started contacting him. what if I gave him hope and I find out I don't like him after our first date? I would hurt him so much. How should I handle this? should I give him a chance? or should I just tell him that I'm not in love with him? and HOW should I do that? how to not break someones heart?
bean1 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Sounds like you just wanted the challenge of getting a "shy guy" but not deal with the reality of it.
lora22 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Sounds like you liked the chase, then lost interest or something along those lines. I don't mean to be rude, but you also sound a little like a drama queen. Maybe he's just into you, or infatuated with you; you don't know he's in love with you, or how the date will go, so why would you jump the gun by stressing out about what ifs? My advice is to 1. lose the drama and 2. go on the date. If you decide you're interested, proceed accordingly. If you decide you're not interested, you say some variation of "I had fun with you, but I'm not interested in pursuing this/I think we should just be friends/etc." - whatever is appropriate for your situation. I would strongly encourage you to avoid "I realized I'm not ready to date yet."
carhill Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 OP, from reading how you think things, it's likely possible that you don't yet have the capacity to love him like you say he loves you. This is discerned from the way in which you describe him, yourself and the process so far. Perhaps that is a good thing. At your age, experiencing many men is normal. No need to focus on one. Enjoy! BTW, it's often mentioned here on LS that, if there is to be an imbalance of love in an otherwise healthy LTR, that it's better that the man love more. This is predicated on the stereotype that men tend to be more polyamorous and can more easily abandon a family (meaning children). This is why women generally attempt to seek out loyal, loving, stable men to be providers for their offspring. Remember, it's a historical stereotype, not an absolute.
Author famke Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Well.. Maybe I was. You know I was really shy myself when I was younger. Now I've overcome that. I really like him. Sometimes I even get butterflies when I think of him. I do like him. But the point is... Im scared that I might not like him as much as he likes me. but I wouldn't know that if I never go on a date with him. But a date makes everything more complicated, if I find out Im not in love with him. Its just.. I dont know what I want. But I should have taken it slow with him.. I havent done that I know I dont wanna break his heart.
carhill Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 OP, if you feel attraction (you perhaps call it "butterflies"), then the only way to ascertain where that can go is by going out on a "date" and letting those feelings out. IMO, and I have much experience with this, skirting your authentic feelings will only lead to frustration and an unhealthy dynamic with this man. If either of you is otherwise committed, of course such a sacrifice is healthy, but, if available, there's really no reason not to explore the potential. IMO...
lora22 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I really like him. Sometimes I even get butterflies when I think of him. I do like him. But the point is... Im scared that I might not like him as much as he likes me. but I wouldn't know that if I never go on a date with him. But a date makes everything more complicated, if I find out Im not in love with him. Its just.. I dont know what I want. But I should have taken it slow with him.. I havent done that I know I dont wanna break his heart. Again, I think it's being quite dramatic to stress out over "what ifs." Of course it's good to be concerned with other people's feelings. But geez, all you know is that you like him (at least somewhat), you know he is interested in you, so you are going on a date. People date to find out more about each other, see if they have potential as a couple, etc. So I really don't get what the big deal is. If he says "I love you" and you aren't in love with him you say "I'm flattered, but I have to be honest, I like you a lot, but I'm not there yet." Or whatever is appropriate for your situation. If he doesn't say "I love you" and you're not getting other indicators of a huge discrepancy in feelings, then it sounds like you're looking for drama/problems where there are none. Maybe you'll go out with him and realize how amazing he is an fall madly in love. Maybe you won't. But you'll never know if you don't go. Again, that's why people go on dates. If he is madly in love with you, and he just doesn't do it for ya, then I guess you'd have to "break his heart" eventually, might as well be sooner rather than later. But first you have to figure out how you feel. The key is to be honest and not lead him on.
Author famke Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Sounds like you liked the chase, then lost interest or something along those lines. I don't mean to be rude, but you also sound a little like a drama queen. Maybe he's just into you, or infatuated with you; you don't know he's in love with you, or how the date will go, so why would you jump the gun by stressing out about what ifs? My advice is to 1. lose the drama and 2. go on the date. If you decide you're interested, proceed accordingly. If you decide you're not interested, you say some variation of "I had fun with you, but I'm not interested in pursuing this/I think we should just be friends/etc." - whatever is appropriate for your situation. I would strongly encourage you to avoid "I realized I'm not ready to date yet." thank you for your honesty. I might sound like a drama queen indeed, but Im not that way. I was just a little upset because he started calling me to talk about the date, and Im like: take it slow, you dont have to call me that often. and also I dont know how to express myself that well in english. I do really think that he's in love with me. that said. you're right! it's simple: I just see were it goes. But I do think its going to be very uncomfortable.. see: he;s not like other guys.. he is 26, still lives with his parents.. for as much I know, he never had a girlfriend. so Im thinking: I dont wanna disapoint him. You right. I just have to be honest with him if I had the date and I really dont feel a connection.
Author famke Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 OP, if you feel attraction (you perhaps call it "butterflies"), then the only way to ascertain where that can go is by going out on a "date" and letting those feelings out. IMO, and I have much experience with this, skirting your authentic feelings will only lead to frustration and an unhealthy dynamic with this man. If either of you is otherwise committed, of course such a sacrifice is healthy, but, if available, there's really no reason not to explore the potential. IMO... thank you for your great advice really helpfull!
lora22 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I was just a little upset because he started calling me to talk about the date, and Im like: take it slow, you dont have to call me that often. see: he;s not like other guys.. he is 26, still lives with his parents.. for as much I know, he never had a girlfriend. He does sound really inexperienced, I see where you're coming from. I'd be interested to know how the date goes. Good luck
dreamergrl Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I'm sure going out on one date to see if there could be more wont end in his heart breaking if it doesn't work out.
Author famke Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 I'm sure going out on one date to see if there could be more wont end in his heart breaking if it doesn't work out. I know what you mean, but he's had a crush on me for a year. (that sounds a little arrogant, but thats just how it is) and I finally gave into it, thinking I liked him. so I gave him hope, and I dont wanna screw him over now, or lead him on. (if I havent already done that)
Author famke Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 He does sound really inexperienced, I see where you're coming from. I'd be interested to know how the date goes. Good luck thanks. I will let you guys know how it went
dreamergrl Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I know what you mean, but he's had a crush on me for a year. (that sounds a little arrogant, but thats just how it is) and I finally gave into it, thinking I liked him. so I gave him hope, and I dont wanna screw him over now, or lead him on. (if I havent already done that) A crush is just someone attracted to you. For all you know, he may not like you after the date. I think you're giving yourself too much credit.
Soul Bear Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 A crush is just someone attracted to you. For all you know, he may not like you after the date. I think you're giving yourself too much credit. not to be mean to the OP, but that was quite funny
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