Living in Reality or Settling there instead? Passion, sex, and love in a marriage...

[KaceyKitty]

Of course BJ's are no problem for him, because I'm the one giving them!

[redtail]

Of course BJ's are no problem for him, because I'm the one giving them!

 

LOL, good one!!!

[aidanhh]

Update, kinda... So I really thought long and hard about my options, obviously. And as one option is leaving, that option is always there... And settling, just accepting it, to me wasn't a viable options at all. So, I spoke to husband about it again. WE spoke a few times through it this past weekend. He was, as always, very receptive... which never gives me much hope since he kinda forgets after a few weeks. But through tears, and honest talking about being happier together or apart, and considering whether we are "in love" anymore... we've definitely come to a stronger understanding. And in fact, after it, he said the talking is what he's needed to feel closer to me. I guess through the routine of life, we've allowed ourselves t become more independant of each other, not as much coupled. He even said me being so independant made him think I didn't beed or want a lot of 'tossling.' Of course I would counter with the fact that he must not either, and maybe we're just not in love anymore.

 

Eitherway, it's somethign to work at. Adn through many posts I've read here, even when people with the "crazy about each other" have offered that things have takned, or peetered out. Adn this is where I htink working at it comes from. You can't just expect it. Maybe some relationships you can, and other parts are harder to work at. Eitherway, its never just going to be smooth. I think I thought of my husband as mine, when in actuality he's him.

 

So we'll see. Nothing will just change overnight, specially passionate feelings... but I di hope we can find ourselves back "in love" again... If not, I always have my options... though I'm not getting any younger! :b

[stace79]

Update, kinda... So I really thought long and hard about my options, obviously. And as one option is leaving, that option is always there... And settling, just accepting it, to me wasn't a viable options at all. So, I spoke to husband about it again. WE spoke a few times through it this past weekend. He was, as always, very receptive... which never gives me much hope since he kinda forgets after a few weeks. But through tears, and honest talking about being happier together or apart, and considering whether we are "in love" anymore... we've definitely come to a stronger understanding. And in fact, after it, he said the talking is what he's needed to feel closer to me. I guess through the routine of life, we've allowed ourselves t become more independant of each other, not as much coupled. He even said me being so independant made him think I didn't beed or want a lot of 'tossling.' Of course I would counter with the fact that he must not either, and maybe we're just not in love anymore.

 

Eitherway, it's somethign to work at. Adn through many posts I've read here, even when people with the "crazy about each other" have offered that things have takned, or peetered out. Adn this is where I htink working at it comes from. You can't just expect it. Maybe some relationships you can, and other parts are harder to work at. Eitherway, its never just going to be smooth. I think I thought of my husband as mine, when in actuality he's him.

 

So we'll see. Nothing will just change overnight, specially passionate feelings... but I di hope we can find ourselves back "in love" again... If not, I always have my options... though I'm not getting any younger! :b

 

Great to hear you are at least communicating and willing to work on things! That is definitely a good sign in my opinion.

 

I don't know if you are at all religious, but a book my fiance and I are reading together is "The Love Dare". http://thelovedarebook.com/

 

Even if you are not religious, I believe it is a great start -- you commit to reading one chapter per day for 40 days. Each chapter is only three or four pages long. Each one ends with a "love dare" that you and your spouse do. They are usually simple things, like buying each other something unexpected and thoughtful (my SO and I did a $10 limit to be reasonable with our finances). It teaches you about being patient with each other, learning about what irritates each other, learning to accept feedback without justifying or rebuking. We've really enjoyed it so far.

 

We actually read it to each other -- I read a chapter one day, he reads the next. I'm sure there are other books similar that are less religious if you prefer. Good luck! I really hope it works out for you both.

[aidanhh]

stace79:

 

Thanks for the reference to the Love Dare book. At first i was hesitant, I am not religious in the orthodox sense, and I am not a Christian. But, that said, I certainly wouldn't push away something that could help... something that offers meaning regardless of where it comes from.

 

So I looked into it, and become fascinated. It's not a lot doctrine, but its definitely relateable, and offers some wisdom that you can pull out. I ordered one for myself. NOT my husband just yet. It got me thinking that I may in fact be the one in this relationship who is not appreicating my SO, and not the other way around. Given, we lack sme physicallity that I woudl like, but his selfless giving can do nothing but refflect love. So, I thought I may look into how I am 'loving' him back... and maybe its me whose neglecting him a bit... thus the book. So thank you... we'll see. We both know we have work ahead of us, but luckily thats what we're good at... working together.

 

Thanks again for you kind words of encouragement!

[MarkTwain]

Anyway, thoughts? Anyone? Anything need explaining? I may not have come across totally clear.

You are very clear.

 

Funnily enough, I just wrote about this on another thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=191301

 

I did a lot of research into why women go off sex and the main theme that came out time and time again was resentment. With men however, it was much harder to find out what caused them to go off sex, and unlike women, they did not want to talk about it. However, I came across a book that seemed to address it well - I did a short review a while ago:

 

Too much closeness.

In "Mating In Captivity" by Esther Perel, the author deals with a very strange phenomenon which applies equally to men and women experiencing lack of interest in sex. It seems that when some people experience the closeness of marital love, it sends them back to their childhood. If they came from a household where there was little physical affection, they tend to gravitate towards that state. "Show me how you were loved as a child, and I will show you how you will love as an adult". That's not an exact quote from the book as I don't have it in front of me, but it gives the general idea.

 

I found this book useful in that it covered material that is hard to find anywhere else. Her findings came mostly from therapy sessions with her own clients, and the case histories are certainly interesting to read. My own view is that closeness is a strain for some people because they see in the other person things that they can't stand in themselves. Demonising the other person makes it easier to bear, but unfortunately, it has the side-effect of making that person seem undesirable.

 

You can read the whole article here.