Living in Reality or Settling there instead? Passion, sex, and love in a marriage...

June 3, 2009

Hi... I am very new to this forum, but have read a lot of the posts searching for my own issues. I do hope I'm not posting something too familiar.

I've been with my husband for 8 years, having started dating him when I left college at 21. We got married about 6 years ago and we have no kids.

He works and I'm a struggling writer, working from home... and I really do appreciate him supporting me financially and emotionally, helping me to reach a small dream.

As a husband, he's pretty fantastic. He still cracks me up, we enjoy each others company, and we relate to one another well. He views me as an equal and he still thinks I'm pretty. I've stayed fit and so has he.

So what's the issue? There's no passion, there's no jumping bones, or devouring kisses. There's not a lot of sex either, maybe once a month. It's like we're good friends.

I used to dress up in lingerie. But that did nothing for him, may have even turned him off. I listened when he said he wasn't into lacy lengerie and instead I started wearing cuter things that he suggested (more collegy undies and t's), which he did respond to a couple times. But not much came of it. I'd try my damnest to turn him on. Serious sex, loving sex, dominating sex, kinky sex... but he'd always be too tired. I tried to understand that, that he was working and I was at home (working, but not like getting up in the monring and communting). But he doesn't kiss me... forget sex fine... if your too tored) but holding me to him, kissing me, that wasn't something he'd do either.

And yet, when I spoke to him about it all, he'd say he's very attracted to me... and loves me sooooo much. Yet he still won't kiss me seriously. He makes it joke now, cause I told him its something I feel is mising. Passion, kisses, etc...

I love him, but I fear I may not be in love with him anymore... and maybe I never was. I married him because I had never felt stronger about anyone in my life, but I wasn't jumping his bones at the time... and he certainly wasn't showing passion (though his libido was a bit more active). He's never been one for huge PDA's or passionate kisses, or smelling skin. He's kinda practical.

What I'm trying to figure out is: is this love. Is this normal? Do the movies and books tell tales of something that doens't really exisit? or... am I really missing out on something by not being kissed strongly, or grabbed and hugged a lot, or my skin or hair smelt like someone really cherishes me... you know, all the movie stuff.

God, I hope I'm making sense. Our situation just feels so boring... but yet okay.

I have thought of trying to find someone else, that does do all of the above. But if that's just fantasy and not reality, I don't want to let go of what I have.

Anyway, thoughts? Anyone? Anything need explaining? I may not have come across totally clear.

Thank you!

June 3, 2009

Have you told him how you felt about wanting more passion?

Often in a relationship we get into automatic pilot and it becomes difficult to get out of it. Communicating our needs in a clear manner become tough. When we love someone, it grows especially difficult because we assume they should be able to read, or intuit, our feelings.

What does he want from the relationship? Is he happy with the way things are? Have you told him how you feel and what you want?

June 3, 2009

I agree with the above reply, too, but I'm wondering if you ever get out of the house? Vacations? Even just a night away from home together?

Perhaps you both just get bogged down in the day-to-day stuff. Have you asked if maybe he is resentful of you not working a full-time job like his? Perhaps you could see a counselor to discuss?

It doesn't sound normal to me. Maybe it's just a case of give-and-take. My fiance is extremely affectionate, always kisses and cuddles me. In fact, he says it is difficult not to at least hold my hand or be slightly brushing fingers when we're out together, even in front of his friends and our parents.

So it's definitely out there. Just depends on why you don't have it in your marriage. At the same time, though, my fiance is definitely not the practical one in our relationship. He will likely not ever have a job that allows me to work at home or work part-time. He does okay, but he's not the nose-to-the-grindstone type of man. Maybe there's a trade off?

June 3, 2009

Hi,

I understand, and hear you loud and clear.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he's the same way. I've always loved kissing, especially passionately with someone I'm really attracted to, which I am to him.

He doesn't really like to kiss, has always been this way, so I always have to initiate and a lot of times he turns his head away after a quick smootch. He knows how I feel about kissing, but nothing has really changed and it's very frustrating, but I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do.

I sometimes wonder if I can accept this, but I'm 39, and it took a long time to find someone like him.

Still trying to come to terms with me needing a little more affection than he gives, so we'll see.

Good luck, to you, and me both!

June 3, 2009

Is there any other real action in any other part of his life?

Success in his career - forward motion, goals being reached, accomplishments being strived for?

Is he involved in any other venue that gets him excited like a sport?

Success in other areas sometimes increase my H's sex drive whereas when he feels he not performing well in those areas (he calls it under pressure) , he wants sex less often.

Is he bored with himself?

June 3, 2009

We've been married 22 years. My husband was never a big kisser, hugger, sexual being. But I fell in love with him and married him anyway.

I guess because I was 30 when we got married (my first marriage), I had already been into a lot of relationships that included lots of sex and passion. Those relationships lasted on a few months or weeks at a time. When my husband and I started dating, I had to slow myself down because I was so used to lots of sex and passionate kissing, I was practically mauling him!!!

I thought it was okay since I've already experience an abundance of those emotions and feelings and I also thought that once you are really in love with someone, that everyday sex and french kissing was just lust and not real sustaining love.

Now 22 years later, its still like that. I would have gone my merry way with our lives had he not had a longterm EA with a fellow coworker. Now I feel he didnt need to show passionate love and regular sex because he was getting it from someone else and in my mind, thats what he was doing from day 1 of our relationship.

Now I feel I have missed out on simple love expressions: passionate kissing, hugging, regular sex, so that I could be married to him. I feel cheated and I further feel I have wasted a lot of time.

I think I had fallen out of love with him. When you spend all your time initiating contact and get little in return and never reciprocation, your feelings start turning down a notch at a time to where you don't "feel the love" anymore.

The flip side to this is that I never told him how I felt but did this past weekend when we went away together.

He understands and is trying to show his version of "love". He still hasnt kissed me passionately but he's hugging and giving lots of little kisses and he told me he loved me! Hadnt heard that in years. We are holding hands a lot and looking into each other's eyes and not saying a thing.

Its making me feel better than I did last week. Everything takes 'baby steps', I guess.

June 3, 2009

It's perfectly normal to not be affectionate. Seems this is just the way he is. He's probably not lying to you when he says he loves you and is attracted to you. But it's a personailty just like how some of us are affectionate, some of us are not.

It's hard to change a personailty, especially if he doesn't really want to. It's not necesarily making him a better person. It's making him a different person.

I think that if you've expressed your feelings verbally with no mistake and still nothing changes than you have 2 choices. Settle for little passion and affection. Or you leave and seek a man who is affectionate.

I do beleive its normal over time to lose the "passion" but to lose affection is something abnormal.

June 3, 2009

Wow, everyone thank you...!

Spark1111:

I have tried talking to him about it, and explaining to him that its what I need and how concerned I am for us if its something we never are able to create. He listens, though frustrated, thinking I'm clinging to a very small part of our relationship. After these talks, and I've had a couple, he either conciously tries, forcing kisses that he seems not really into. Or, he just turnes it into a joke, and being passionate becomes an exagerated movie clip.

He himself seems happy with how things are. He doesn't ask or suggest anything.

stace79:

We get out on weekends, country walks with the dog or visits to towns and such. Vacations are rare, but we try to go somewhere once a year... no overnights.

He and I have spoke at length about resentment with me working from home towards a goal and him supporting me through it. But we spoke at length before I even did it, and he was very content about it, and now he's even more supportive and okay with it because he says I look happier for it. He laughs, suggesting at least one of us doesn't have to do the 9-5. HE says that makes him happy about it.

I'm definitely the less practical of us... maybe it is a give and take... not sure if its worth the lack of physical love though. I feel like I'm missing out on the "I'm crazy about him' feeling.

Although... as

girl68 suggested,

maybe it's just not him to be physical. He's a strong emotional and intellectual support, but not so much physical and romantic. And again maybe its a give and take. But I guess I'm back to square one where I wonder if I'm missing out on something truly amazing that life has to offer. Passion and sex and a strong physical relationship.

Hookedonhim2: I really hear you when you said you felt cheated and have wasted a lot of time... It hasn't gotten that far yet, but I don't want it to.

I don't want to look back and feel I've wasted life and love. And then I think, damn, maybe no one else would even come along if I left. MAybe it would be worse. Maybe for all the physical and passion, there would be something else that made the relationship tough. These fears keep me where I am, thinking "it could be worse," thus never realizing "it could be far better."

rambling again. sorry.

June 4, 2009

Wow, you say everything that I feel. My guy jokes about the passionate kissing thing too...like a movie clip...it makes me mad.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm in the same boat.

I'll let you know if anything works for me that I can tell you about.

June 4, 2009

KaceyKitty: Oh please do... cause I'm at wits end here. I know I'd be throwing away a lot of really good and strong aspects of a relationship... but I really don't want to miss out on something so basic and sensual... life's so short. It scares me... I really don't know what to do.

June 4, 2009

He loves you but is not 'in love' with you. If you have the experience of a man who is in love with you, you'll see the difference. I've experienced the same with women. Regardless of their style of affection, you feel it. You're not feeling it. He says things but where are the actions? IMO, he's doing the same thing my wife did to me; putting in the bare minimum of love and affection to keep the M going and you engaged. That sounds harsh, I know. Get in front of a MC and talk about it. I think the discourse will be revealing

Just so you know, my W and I are divorcing and we still get along well, the caveat being that I don't expect anything remotely loving and emotionally generous from her, just like in our M. She's the epitome of consistency. Good on her for that

You're right. I'm nearly twice your age and life is indeed too short...

June 4, 2009

I'm not sure if this is what Carhill means exactly, but I sure hope the fact that my guy doesn't like to kiss me passionately doesn't mean that he's not in love with me. That's depressing. He says he's in love with me, and even mentions marriage now and then.

June 4, 2009

I think y'all need to seriously review what "love actions" your men ARE showing.

we've been married 17 years and dated long-distance for about 2-3 years before that. Because my husband is older than me, and because of health problems, our sex life has dwindled to once a year. Last year, because I was focused on helping care for my dying dad, I missed my annual dose, LOL.

yes, it does bug me, esp. when I think about being at the height of my sexual peak at 43, and I resent the hell out people who whine about *only* getting laid once a week or once a month and they feel they need to look elsewhere for gratification. And like OP, I wonder how much of what we believe to be a "normal" sex life is just bullshxt dreamed up in smutty romance novels and movies?

the reality is, there is no "magic" number. However, there IS "magic" behavior, and that's how your spouse responds to you. Despite the darth of sex, I believe I've got one of the most loving marriages I know of, because DH has always been great about hand-holding, touching, kissing and sharing those inside jokes.

I miss screwing, some days more than others, but if I'm having to do without, I'm glad it's not the affection or non-sexual loving that's been sacrified; it's the main reason I stay, because it means hope that our relationship is vital.

so look at what you've got ... really, really look ... and discern what your love styles are? He is telling you through his actions just how he feels about you, even if it might not be exactly how you'd prefer it expressed. And hopefully, you'll understand that while you might not be getting your brains boinked out as often as you desire, there are other ways of loving each other.

June 4, 2009

I'm not sure if this is what Carhill means exactly, but I sure hope the fact that my guy doesn't like to kiss me passionately doesn't mean that he's not in love with me. That's depressing. He says he's in love with me, and even mentions marriage now and then.

I don't see it as nefarious intent, but rather as incapacity, whether global or situational. He may not have it within him to feel or express those emotions. Not everyone can love in the elemental sense. I use a phrase here on LS called "thinking love rather than feeling love". It's an intellectualizing of an emotion. Opinion on it varies, but I hold steadfast in my view that "balls to bones" feeling is elemental to a healthy intimate relationship, if you're wired that way. The exception would be where both parties think rather than feel love, are satisfied with that, and are compatible on that level. I think, if you look around, you'll see many examples of this dynamic.

June 4, 2009

Getting back to the OP, you mention "Passion, sex, and love in a marriage..." as though those are a constant. Changing the situation to rekindle passion, maybe short lived.

Not all subscribe to this way of thinking, but to quote from the book "The Road Less Traveled";

"I have defined love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn't, the commitment to love, the will to love stills stands and is still exercised."

June 4, 2009

beautiful quote, alfalfa ...

June 4, 2009

This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present

Yes, and I continue to be that way, even in divorce, because it is the way I'm wired. You can feel love and think love and be loving and still be incompatible. A relationship is a two-way street. Selfless, unconditional loving of another adult (children are exempted) is a recipe for psychological disaster, IMO. It took MC and a lot of introspection for me to change my viewpoint on that issue. I formerly thought true love to be unconditional. Wrong.

June 4, 2009

Yes, and I continue to be that way, even in divorce, because it is the way I'm wired. You can feel love and think love and be loving and still be incompatible. A relationship is a two-way street. Selfless, unconditional loving of another adult (children are exempted) is a recipe for psychological disaster, IMO. It took MC and a lot of introspection for me to change my viewpoint on that issue. I formerly thought true love to be unconditional. Wrong.

Please do explain? I find this quite thought-provoking.

June 4, 2009

No time right now with the weeds calling, but think about a brightly shining star, its light, and a black hole. That's a credible and possible dynamic arising from such mindless and selfless giving. Then imagine the importance of time for a mortal being with a limited lifespan. See where this is going?

Next, look around these forums for examples of such dynamics. The loathing of "doormats" as one example. One person's doormat could be another's selfless and unconditional lover, right? Or is it the same person, seen from a different perspective?

More food for thought

June 5, 2009

I wanted thank everyone again for their thoughts, opinions, and words. If anything it has made me really look hard at my situation and consider it from real angle. I think I was hoping, when I first posted, that I'd get some definite answer as to what to do. Like, he sounds great and most men are like that... or you will definitely find someone to love you, regardless that your thirty, you need to leave him. But of course, its not that black and white nor is there any easy answer.

quankanne: you're right that love and its magic isn't just caught up in sex and passion. And my husband shows very tender feelings towards me daily. Hugging me, touching my hip, and placing his hands on both sides of my face when he speaks to me. Things I actually though he wasn't doing, he was. I know he loves me, but as

carhill suggested,

he may not be "in love" with me. He doesn't show any passion towards me... and I'm not meaning sex. I mean kissing, making out for a few minutes on the couch... he doesn't seem to have that desire. I was so hoping someone would say most men loose that once married... but (and please tell me if I'm wrong) a lot of LS's posts suggest thats not the case. That men do want to be physical in this way.

He's british, and I've even been told that this is why he's not passionate... any British man out there want to rebut that? please?

This passion I'm missing is now something I have to decide whether I can live without... also knowing full well, if I decide to leave, I may still live without it. I am really worried that leaving my loving husband will wind me up alone, not only without passion, but without any sort of love. And this scares me to death. But I also understand that thats selfish as well.

Whats dating like after 30? I met him my last year in College, where dating was easy... Thats a petrifying though as well.

Thanks everyone for your constant consideration.

June 5, 2009

He's british, and I've even been told that this is why he's not passionate... any British man out there want to rebut that? please?

I'm not British (I'm Italian), but I live in England and I'm married to an English woman, or the "fridge", as I call her... I can only say she is the least passionate woman I ever met in my life and I ended up marrying her! I've never felt wanted or desired in my marriage, I've never being hugged or kissed with passion (apart from during sex...) and I really really like that. So, I'm in your position, and I've been thinking about my situation as well. I find it very depressing, but can I leave my family just because my wife doesn't show any passion towards me? I'm 46 and I have 4 kids. She says the same stuff... I love you but I'm not in love with you... You are 30 and, if this really bugs you, I would get out because, believe me, it (he) will only get worse...

PS we've been married 19 years...

June 5, 2009

I really feel for you. I think I am in a similar situation, and have wanted to post on here for ages - choosing to mooch around & read instead!

Can I ask - are you attracted to him - and do you show him affection?

That feeling of not wanting to give up what you have because it's solid & good but feeling something deep in the pit of your stomach that just isn't right is just dreadful......

Another question - has it ever been passionate? Or did other things lead you to be with him.... like respect and good qualities?

June 5, 2009

Sansouci: both really good questions... Push come to shove, I not as attracted to him as I probably should be. But it's not to say that I'm NOT attracted to him. I'm repulsed by him, but I'm also no hungry for him. He's attractive, but I can't say I'm jumping his bones. I never was, even at the beginning. My attraction to him centered more around how amazing a person he is, how much he did for me, and cared or me. How he made me laugh and related to me. How we really worked to be with each other. All of which seemed at the time, more important than basic labido attraction.

I do show him affection, hugging him when he's washing the dishes, like he hugs me when I'm at the counter. I've even showed him passion, kissin ghim strongly for no reason, trying to make out on the couch... but that is not recipricated, and when I do it, it's even stopped.

Has it ever been passionate? Not really... I mean, certainly when we were dating, yes. But when the relaitonship took on a substantial existance, not really. I always appreciated his stronger, emotional, and intellectual qualities over his physical ones. Maybe at the time, I was less sexually driven... I was young.

I fear its not something I can create, for us? Passion I mean. The 'I'm crazy about you' feeling. I feel sick... talk about pit of your stomach!

June 5, 2009

Do you think it's possible for someone to be in love with you, and feel passion for you, but really just not like the act of kissing?

June 5, 2009

Do you think it's possible for someone to be in love with you, and feel passion for you, but really just not like the act of kissing?

No kiss?! Well I guess a BJ is out of the question...

But seriously, I think that's a definite possibilty, but if there's sincere passion, I would expect it manifest itself in others aspects of the relationship.

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Living in Reality or Settling there instead? Passion, sex, and love in a marriage...

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