sam_g Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Ok so two nights ago i'm sitting on the floor watching tv and my wifes phone beeps, i glance down and read the msg. I've never snooped on my wife before, and feel a little bad about reading the message but it was there on the screen and unavoidable. It seems a guy who she worked with is visiting her company next week, just for one day, and wondered if she was ok with it? My heart sank. So i flicked her phone under the couch and waited for her to come down from upstairs. First up i ask if she has cheated on me - no. Then i ask if she expecting any msgs from ex boyfriends - no. Then i say "ok well i just seen a msg on your phone that suggests something is going on, you better tell me" The story, and i believe it, is this. It checks out because i've gone over details of dates and times etc. About 2 months ago this guy started at her company who she found really attractive. I knew this because she talked about him constantly, and i noticed her making more of an effort with her appearance around the time. Then a couple of weeks later he told her he was leaving and moving away,. a week after that she seemed really upset and i asked her if it was because this guy was leaving, she said no. Well the night before the guy left my wife sent the guy a msg along the lines of good luck, we'll miss you etc. He replied, and she replied it's a shame because i really fancy you. Several msgs like this flew backward and forward until he asked her to go round to his flat and help him pack. My wife said i'm sure you're capable of doing that yourself. To which this guy replied it wasn't exactly packing i had in mind. At this point my wife told him she was married and the flirting had gone way too far, the guy asked her for text sex whatever that is. And she told him to **** off. I know that she can't of left the house that night because i was only away for an hour, and when i returned she was doing paperwork in the living room. So as i said, i believe her 100%. But why the hell did she send him the msg in the first place? I understand flirting is natural, but we have been married less than a year and she crossed the line in my opinion. Because the initial msg way beyond flirting. I'm happy that it didnt get any further than it did, but i'm not convinced it won't happen again. I thought our marriage was perfect, and i honestly believed we were the happiest couple in the world. My wife is my entire world, i've known it from literally the first moment we met. And i honestly haven't looked at another woman since, so i feel like a part of me / us has died. I haven't eaten in two days, and i think that if it wasn't for the ring on my finger i'd have ended it.
delirious Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I don't get this business with texting, my girlfriend flirts all the time with different colleagues, even though she is happy with her man. She means nothing by it, it is just fun. It boosts her ego. I don't do it, but see no harm in it, unless it is just that one person maybe it could go too far. But as far as I can see, lots of people do it, she has warned him off however, so I do not see how you can complain.
Thornton Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 The first thing to remember is that while your wife is in the wrong, she did not have sex or a full blown affair with this man; she just sent a few texts, and she put a stop to it before it went too far. The second thing to remember is that she has been honest with you and has not tried to cover anything up. Admittedly what your wife did was wrong, but it isn't on the scale of an affair and as such I think this is an issue you can work on together. You need to talk about why your wife felt an attraction to another man, and more specifically what's missing in your marriage for her to feel that attraction. You also need to talk about boundaries, what's considered cheating and what's not, because she needs to appreciate that any emotional infidelity such as this is still cheating regardless of the lack of physical contact. Perhaps marriage counselling would help?
HsMomma Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 You need to talk about why your wife felt an attraction to another man, and more specifically what's missing in your marriage for her to feel that attraction. / I don't completely agree with this, Thornton - I think it's natural to feel attraction to people, regardless of one's marital status. I don't think there has to be something missing from a marriage to find a member of the opposite sex attractive. The problem occurs when one acts on the attraction. I think I would advise the OP to ask his wife why she felt the need to act on the attraction - that's where I believe the problem is. Having been a BS in my first marriage, I know how he feels & I think it's important to talk about it now, since this was a relatively minor situation - I just would hate to see an escalation of this type of behavior in the future - better to work it out now, early in the marriage. Just my two cents' worth.
2sure Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 We all know it isnt unnatural to find other's attractive. maybe a little office flirting, when both people know it isnt going anywhere is ok.Makes an office not so dull. Your wife crossed the line, then she stopped it, and you believe her. OK. Still, unless her profession requires her to be in cell phone contact with this guy...she crossed the line quite clearly. Why? She probably thought it was harmless. It wasnt. This is how people get a comfort level with relationships outside of their marriage and can eventually lead to infidelity. STOP this behavior in its tracks. CLOSE the door to any future comfort level. SHOW her where the line is. You dont have to be angry with her, but you do need to protect your marriage just a bit. Call the guy and tell him : Never Call My Wife's Phone Again. Period. No Questions, No Explanations. Sure, your wife will feel like a jerk. She behaved like one. She may be angry with you. She will never be tempted to cross this line again without acknowledging that it is harmful. Also, tell her you will look at the phone records for the entire time he is in town and continue to do so until you are comfortable.
Author sam_g Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Thanks for the help guys. I think what made this so much worse is how close my wife and me are. We do everything together, and we tell each other everything - or so i thought. We have both been cheated on / seriously hurt in the past and swore we would never hurt each other. As for the other guy, i'm not too bothered about him. He now lives in another country, and apart from that one day i mentioned he is completley out of the picture.
2sure Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I just wanted to note that the other guy is irrelevant. He could be anyone, it all depends in your wife's comfort level with crossing the line.
jmargel Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 What you need to be careful with is the lies and the deceit. She didn't come to you with this, you had to play detective. So as long as that is continuing you will be paranoid, your mind will wonder and at times your imagination will go too far. However it's her responsibility to be up front about these issues. Honestly most of the women that come upto me and talk/flirt are either married or with someone. It's a sad sign of the times that this happens. The thing is, what else has happened that you don't know about? And trust me you won't get the full truth from her. She'll only tell you what little she can. Not saying to leave her over this, but perhaps find the root to all of this. Always go with your gut instinct.
Recommended Posts