drummerprince81 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 My ex contacted me for the first time in exactly 3 months a couple of days ago. I couldn't believe it because everytime we have spoken or interacted over the last 3 months it has been me making the contact each time and each time I've had scant replies or had a response that basically told me she was done. I do not understand her motives because when I last contacted her 3 weeks ago her response was clear to me that she didn't want to talk to me whatsoever. But now she has finally broken the ice from her end, and I don't understand her motive. She asked how I was doing basically. I replied in a friendly manner. I'm not playing games, but realise I could have left it a day to reply to mull over. Nevertheless, she replied once more, and I sent her another message. They were just friendly exchanges. She didn't really ask many questions, and she didn't respond to my last message, which of course has now bugged me. Is it wise to call her up on it or is it best to leave it be and allow her to approach me again? Maybe the time is right to have a friendly conversation. But maybe she was trying to make herself feel better and calling her up would be a disaster.
TheBigCow Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 If you really think the time is right then call. But It sounds like its not yet.
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 If you really think the time is right then call. But It sounds like its not yet. In the last 3 months, I haven't called her once. In the first 2-3 weeks I wanted to give her space. After that, I haven't out of fear, respect, and protecting my own heart. I have texted her a few times, and sent a letter, and recently an email. I had no response from the email, and I hope she read it but I have no proof. Its hard knowing what to do. A few hours before she contacted me I said to myself in my own head its time to let go. I made plans for the evening. I was feeling good about myself. And then I received her message!!! Sod's law I guess.
TheBigCow Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 In my opinion, if she's interested, then calling isn't going to put her off because its too soon. So if you think you can handle the possibility of rejection (or her not wanting to talk whatever) then sure why not, but otherwise don't.
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 In my opinion, if she's interested, then calling isn't going to put her off because its too soon. So if you think you can handle the possibility of rejection (or her not wanting to talk whatever) then sure why not, but otherwise don't. Did you mean to say that calling IS going to put her off? You could be right...she might not be willing to talk. That would suck. If I call I'm going to make sure that the relationship is not at the forefront of the conversation. What I mean is I think it would be a terrible idea to bombard her with questions. The only option at the moment is for me to be friendly, and to make it light. I don't want to be her friend, but I've decided being friendly will only put me in a positive light, and if she has opened the door. I'll think about it. And certainly think about the possibility of further rejection. Thanks Big Cow.
TheBigCow Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 no I meant ISN'T, but I meant specifically if she is missing you, which she may not be at the moment. Her contacting you is a good sign and I personally think its good you replied.. although it might give her that 'ego boost' people often talk about, if thats all she was looking for then you don't want her anyway, so what loss is it to you.. but otherwise, it could put her at ease about contacting you again, knowing you can just have a friendly exchange. Personally, wait a bit before the call.. ideally until she contacts you again so you know she's still thinking of you, but if you feel you need to make a move after giving it some time, then like I said, prepare yourself possible rejection and go for it.
sedgwick Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Absolutely DO NOT call!!! In my opinion, the only message to which you should ever respond is, "I'm sorry, I love you, and I want you back." Anything else is noise.
Soul Bear Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 After 3 months, no one is going to just jump back into a troubled relationship again. If she did call and say those magic words, then you are lucky. But i doubt that will be the case asyou would just end up in the same rut again. IF...and this is a big IF...IF there is another chance for you both, then you have to start from scratch...you will have to get to know each other again and the changes that have been made. You will have to take things very very slowly. There are a few examples of this on another forum. Good examples and bad examples. Start by being friends and feel each other out, see where you both stand.
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Absolutely DO NOT call!!! In my opinion, the only message to which you should ever respond is, "I'm sorry, I love you, and I want you back." Anything else is noise. I do appreciate where you are coming from, but I almost posted a reply to another thread the other day about this. Dumpees are encouraged NOT to dive in and spill their guts, because they should always proceed with caution, and keep their dignity in tact. Surely, dumpers would act in the same way?!? What I mean is, I just can't see many people saying those things unless they were having a moment of weakness. Because whether you have been dumped or are the dumper, you are still a human being and a whole bunch of emotions come into play and I could equally turn around and make her look foolish. Of course I never would, but I think I have a point. YES - they are the ones that walked away and should be making more effort IF that is what they want to do but I'd bend over backwards for my ex-girlfriend and I guess I'm just looking for that glimmer of hope. The relationship is broken up at the moment/maybe forever but the chances of her saying those words you mention compared to her just saying anything are so small. Whether or not I call her will purely be based on if I can take any further pain. It certainly won't be based on pride. I'm not even saying her contacting me is a good sign but its certainly something.
Soul Bear Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 good luck to you bro I hope that you guys will manage to sort things out. Best advice for now is go back into NC again and see what her next move is Edit* dont put your life on hold an wait, just continue as you were
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 SB - IF...and this is a big IF...IF there is another chance for you both, then you have to start from scratch...you will have to get to know each other again and the changes that have been made. You will have to take things very very slowly. That is very true - it would have to be baby steps and nothing else. That is what I tried to explain in my last post - that even if she came back and said I love you or whatever, its not going to be that easy to forgive and forget and we would still have to talk a hell of a lot. In fact, 3 months ago when we last saw each other we even said to each other we would take things slow...but the next day things changed again. Thanks for the support guys. I guess the ball is in her court but I want to stretch out my leg and give it a big smack. The more I think about, the more I think that she wasn't really reaching out because she hasn't responded to my second reply, and because of that it probably would be a good idea not to call. It certainly warranted a response. I want to call only to be friendly, and perhaps her hearing my voice will activiate something in her BUT that is very much wishful thinking. I need more signs I guess. SB - Best advice for now is go back into NC again and see what her next move is... I just hope she makes a move...I've got a lot of thinking to do. I can always call her and go NC after that. I'll consider this very carefully coz everything else I've done in the last 3 months has been a mistake or at least the wrong move...
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