Are some people just more expressive with their feelings?

[colosseum]

From personal experience, I feel that there are 2 types of people in the realm of dating: those who are willing to openly express their feelings to their SO, and those who won't do so very much. I define open expressiveness as willing to look the person in the eyes, or tell the person over the phone, "I miss you" or "I really like you" or "I'm thinking of you."

 

Let me illustrate. I consider myself an extrovert; I like people, I like conversing, I like community. I'm also the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve: if I'm pissed, frustrated, happy, or turned on, you'll know. And I'm willing to be upfront with others about how I feel, to everyone (I can think about timing, but I'm still willing to be upfront about my feelings. I won't try to smother them with my emotions).

 

The girl I'm staying in touch with now and my ex are both not like that. At all. They're not ones to easily say to someone how they really feel, much less really know what they feel.

 

So I find it frustrating sometimes when I tell her that I miss her (LTR right now) and I don't get a response. I know dating isn't under some equal-trade policy, but doesn't one need some reciprocation? I mean, sometimes I wonder why I always have to be the first one to say something in order for her to say "I miss you too". I don't get it. Maybe I'm just insecure.

 

OH, and so regarding emotional expressiveness: Is that just a personality divide? I'm not convinced that expressiveness is on a "scale"; either you're willing to say to the person how you feel, or you're not. Or is there a gender divide (i.e. guys more willing to say what's on there mind than girls)?

[neowulf]

From personal experience, I feel that there are 2 types of people in the realm of dating: those who are willing to openly express their feelings to their SO, and those who won't do so very much. I define open expressiveness as willing to look the person in the eyes, or tell the person over the phone, "I miss you" or "I really like you" or "I'm thinking of you."

 

Let me illustrate. I consider myself an extrovert; I like people, I like conversing, I like community. I'm also the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve: if I'm pissed, frustrated, happy, or turned on, you'll know. And I'm willing to be upfront with others about how I feel, to everyone (I can think about timing, but I'm still willing to be upfront about my feelings. I won't try to smother them with my emotions).

 

The girl I'm staying in touch with now and my ex are both not like that. At all. They're not ones to easily say to someone how they really feel, much less really know what they feel.

 

So I find it frustrating sometimes when I tell her that I miss her (LTR right now) and I don't get a response. I know dating isn't under some equal-trade policy, but doesn't one need some reciprocation? I mean, sometimes I wonder why I always have to be the first one to say something in order for her to say "I miss you too". I don't get it. Maybe I'm just insecure.

 

OH, and so regarding emotional expressiveness: Is that just a personality divide? I'm not convinced that expressiveness is on a "scale"; either you're willing to say to the person how you feel, or you're not. Or is there a gender divide (i.e. guys more willing to say what's on there mind than girls)?

 

Happens a lot. Oddly I've seen it as kind of a paradox in that we seek out in others the things which we see as weaknesses in ourselves.

 

So as an emotionally expressive guy myself, my partners are often have much better mastery of their emotions than I do.

 

I suppose its something I respect in them, dispite the fact it makes life difficult at times

[lizzylizliz]

My other half is exactly the same; I'll tell him I love him or miss him, and not hear anything back. A lot of it I think is to be with upbringing; some people aren't used to being able to vent their feelings, so just lock them away, and don't know how to release them. Don't take it personally.

[SoulSearch_CO]

So as an emotionally expressive guy myself, my partners are often have much better mastery of their emotions than I do.

I don't see lack of expressiveness to be a strength. Quite the opposite, really. I think it's an asset to be in touch with one's own emotions. To have "master of their emotions," as you put it, strikes me as them just being cold. I suppose that's why YOU pick those kinds of people though - because you think it's some kind of strength and YOU are the weak one.

 

I personally do not do well with somebody that is emotionally distant/unexpressive. Especially since I am VERY in touch with my feelings and have no problem expressing them.

 

So yeah, I guess agree that there are people who will and people who won't express their feelings. Two types. I am expressive and I'm with an expressive. LOL

[colosseum]

Yeah, I think I'd probably go with SoulSearch and think it's easier when both people can express their emotions; it seems like an easier means of communication as well...no?

 

But hey, what about the gender issue? Is it just more common that men will express compliments/affection/endearment because of the stereotype that women need them more than men do? And all else equal, are women just less willing to be expressive of how they feel than men because men are supposed to initiate almost everything? (i.e. a woman will more likely say "I miss you" to a man after the man says the same to the woman)

[kizik]

I'm a guy, and I'm a big softie with my emotions.

 

I'm sensitive, I'm a musician, so I suppose the two go hand in hand. I don't care if other guys find my emotionality "p*ssy" or anything - I like and embrace my sensitivity because it makes life so much fuller, vibrant and meaningful.

 

This is why it irritates me to hear that "men don't express feelings" - well, in my case, they DO.

[Thornton]

I agree that some people are emotionally expressive and some are not. My father, for example, is very emotionally unexpressive - he has never once thanked me for a gift I bought him, has never said he loved either me or my mother, and even threw his fortieth anniversary card away without opening it. My partner, on the other hand, is very emotionally expressive - he tells me he loves me a million times a day, sends me emails and texts to say how much he adores me, does nice little things to cheer me up, etc. I much prefer someone who is emotionally expressive! I don't think that it's men who are the most emotionally expressive though - usually it's the woman who's complaining that her partner isn't emotionally expressive enough. I also think there is a sliding scale of expressiveness - some people are VERY expressive, some people are a bit expressive but not overly so, and some like my father aren't emotionally expressive at all.

[Trialbyfire]

Overall, if you're unhappy with a non-communicator, then why are you with this person? Communication is key, as is language of love which also includes communication on your side, that you wish your partner would be a little more expressive. Cite examples of behaviour that you want.

 

Myself, I'm not overly-emotional and don't partner well with someone who is. If someone is telling me they love me ten times a day, it would drive me batty and become meaningless. But...if someone never says it, that's also not acceptable. Moderation, just like moderation with PDA.

 

Don't ever put your tongue down my throat or your hands on my chest or ass, in public!! Do hold my hand, give me a peck on the lips/cheek, arm around my shoulder or touch me in places that are respectful, in public.

[anne1707]

Yes some people find it harder to verbally express their emotions compared to others (regardless of gender). But note that is verbal expression. Some people can say all the right things but do they really mean it. It's actions that really count in the end - that is the real test of someone's feelings for you.

 

However I also think that even if you know from someone's actions that they love you, it does help (and is perfectly understandable and reasonable) to be want to be told that as well at least now and then.

[monkey00]

I think some people can just be really out of tune with their emotions/self-esteem.

 

But the situation with being emotionally open at times can leave some people vulnerable in the way that they open themselves. Personally I can be the emotional guy or the hard*ss who can be assertive when needed. There have been times where I had to say to girls on dates that 'I had a really good time' and not hear it back and dates where the chemistry between us would be so obvious - we'd say it to each other.

 

IME, some people that are emotionally closed off may just not be that into you or they just had an upbringing where communication wasn't that important.

[kit_kat]

I met a guy someone just like you and I'm someone who could be likened to your girls, too. Well, I guess we just have to consider that each person has varying personalities and different approach of letting the significant other know that he/she is special for him/her.

 

you know what? that guy got fed up. he said he was tired of initiating text, of saying i miss you and i wanna be with you. lol! guess, i wasn't that attentive enough or i was just cautious because i knew he's seeing other girls too..

[pandagirl]

I am non-expressive, in general. But that doesn't mean I'm not emotional. I'm just not showy with my feelings. I'm more into actions.

 

However, it doesn't mean I'm not a good communicator! They're completely differently things.

[colosseum]

My partner, on the other hand, is very emotionally expressive - he tells me he loves me a million times a day, sends me emails and texts to say how much he adores me, does nice little things to cheer me up, etc.

 

So my question to you, Thornton, is this: how frequently do you return his messages and e-mails? I'm just totally curious how you think about it.

 

I met a guy someone just like you and I'm someone who could be likened to your girls, too. Well, I guess we just have to consider that each person has varying personalities and different approach of letting the significant other know that he/she is special for him/her.

 

What do you think one can do to consider this? Is it realistic to expect someone to change their behavior, or is it irreconcilable?

[carhill]

I am non-expressive, in general. But that doesn't mean I'm not emotional. I'm just not showy with my feelings. I'm more into actions.

PG, describe an action which communicates an emotion but does not show it. As someone who is open emotionally (you often see it in my words here on LS), I'm curious how that works. In MC, my wife could never describe that dynamic in a way which made sense to me.

 

The often negative side effect of being emotional and emotionally and spiritually supportive is that people whom I do not consider my friends consider me their friend. Generally, these people are emotionally inexpressive. Because I consider emotional intimacy a component of friendship, and do not receive it from them, I don't 'feel' close to them. It's like reaching out a hand to embrace someone and they wave at you. Totally different communication. Within themselves, they may feel just as emotional and supportive as I, but I'm not getting their message. Disparate language of love and friendship.

 

I would never partner with an emotionally inexpressive person again. I'd drive them nuts and vice-versa.

[pandagirl]

PG, describe an action which communicates an emotion but does not show it. As someone who is open emotionally (you often see it in my words here on LS), I'm curious how that works. In MC, my wife could never describe that dynamic in a way which made sense to me.

 

Easy. I say what I feel. I communicate. If I'm angry, I will say: "This upset me," but I'm not going to necessarily go through the motions of being angry. I'm very sensitive, but I was raised in a family where emotions were not worn on your sleeve (I'm japanese-amercian). I've told many of my friends about my herpes dilemma, how it upsets me and makes me anxious when it comes to dating, but maybe I repress my emotions outwardly, even though inwardly I feel them. Also of note: there's only one friend I allow myself to cry in front of. I've never cried in front of my parents.

 

The often negative side effect of being emotional and emotionally and spiritually supportive is that people whom I do not consider my friends consider me their friend. Generally, these people are emotionally inexpressive. Because I consider emotional intimacy a component of friendship, and do not receive it from them, I don't 'feel' close to them. It's like reaching out a hand to embrace someone and they wave at you. Totally different communication. Within themselves, they may feel just as emotional and supportive as I, but I'm not getting their message. Disparate language of love and friendship.

 

I have the same problem! Lots of people seem to want to be my friend, but I'm not interested in superficial friendships. Many of my now close friends told me when they first met me I seemed standoffish and unfriendly, but neither is true. I'm just not showy. It takes time to know me, because I try to be sincere in all my actions. Now, my friends know I'm a caring and loving individual, though they make fun of me that I don't like to hug them.

[carhill]

Question:

 

It sounds like others would receive your emotions aurally, through language. Do you note anyone (like friends) making mention of your body language and/or mannerisms conveying such emotions? Do you feel, absent verbal communication, that you're 'hard to read'? Perhaps some people interpret that as 'standoffish and unfriendly' which is apparently not the case at all. Personally, when I feel that kind of distance from someone, it dampens my interest in getting to know them better. About the only mitigative factor might be if they expressed overt interest in me, controverting the other signals I'm receiving from them. I was this way with women when young, both hard to read as well as sensitive to stimulus, so it made for stupendous failure in the romance department.

 

Anyway, in the final analysis, I don't think there's right and wrong here, only difference. Whether those differences are compatible and the dynamic healthy is individual to each situation.

 

BTW, in your HSV threads, did the care and support I was trying to offer come across in my words? Did you feel it? That's part of the message here. If the emotions are ineffectively conveyed, all the caring in the world won't matter. When intent and perception match up, it makes for some great stuff

[Shock Me Sane]

I am non-expressive, in general. But that doesn't mean I'm not emotional. I'm just not showy with my feelings. I'm more into actions.

 

However, it doesn't mean I'm not a good communicator! They're completely differently things.

 

I'm like this too.

 

My ex would always get mad because I would never look upset or cry or whatever when we had arguments. I'm still emotional, I just don't like being emotional in front of people really.

 

I'd much rather apologize with a kiss or back rub than by actually saying, "I'm sorry, I was wrong." I'll talk to someone about how I feel, calmly and rationally. Although, it takes a lot to get me to that point

 

I also don't like talking all lovey dovey on the phone to my SO in front of other people because it's embarrassing. I just don't do it.

 

However, I think I'm still a good communicator.

[oscakool]

One thing you must realize is that most girls are in fact insecure along with most guys. The fact that you express your feelings is good. I would stop worrying about the other person not saying it back. Say what you feel regardless of what other people think. That's one of the first things I teach guys: to start thinking out loud and saying what ever they want to say regardless of what other people think.

 

So don't get down on yourself. If you're dating someone that doesn't meet your standards, dump them. Being selective is very important AND sexy. Standards are extremely attractive. Also, feel free to be upfront to your girl. Say "what you don't miss me too?" see how she responds.

[kit_kat]

What do you think one can do to consider this? Is it realistic to expect someone to change their behavior, or is it irreconcilable?

 

As for me, I don't expect anymore... Coz' when my expectations aren't met, I feel disappointed. So, i got to deal with it. However, I'm still open with the idea that nothing is impossible -- so if a person is willing to change, so be it!

[neowulf]

I don't see lack of expressiveness to be a strength. Quite the opposite, really. I think it's an asset to be in touch with one's own emotions. To have "master of their emotions," as you put it, strikes me as them just being cold. I suppose that's why YOU pick those kinds of people though - because you think it's some kind of strength and YOU are the weak one.

 

I personally do not do well with somebody that is emotionally distant/unexpressive. Especially since I am VERY in touch with my feelings and have no problem expressing them.

 

So yeah, I guess agree that there are people who will and people who won't express their feelings. Two types. I am expressive and I'm with an expressive. LOL

 

I can understand that my description probably gave that impression, but my girlfriends have been some of the loveliest, warm people I've met.

 

What I mean by mastery, is that they've all had very stable, down to earth personalities. They're optimistic, not prone to wild mood swings, anti-drama queen kind of women.

 

My ex was a wonderfully warm, funny woman who was very down to earth, easy to talk with and be around. She was positive and happy and for the most part, pretty optimistic about life.

 

However, she was very independent, so she really resisted leaning on other people for support. So often, I'd have to try and tease the negative emotions out of her when I could tell something was bothering her.

 

It wasn't in her nature to just open up and talk about her problems, like I was accustom to doing.

 

That's probably a more accurate description of what I meant.

[Thornton]

So my question to you, Thornton, is this: how frequently do you return his messages and e-mails? I'm just totally curious how you think about it.

 

Oh, I'm also very affectionate towards him - I give as good as I get. My partner and I have discussed this topic before, and we concluded that we're both very affectionate and emotionally expressive people who need a lot of attention, so our relationship works well because we're both happy to give and receive that amount of attention. Both of us have previously been in relationships with less emotionally expressive people who made us feel unloved because they didn't want to give or receive as much affection. We are the sort of sickly sweet couple that make some people go "aww" and others want to barf

 

In general I think that relationships are most successful when both partners have similar emotional needs. If one partner is more emotionally expressive than the other it often causes problems; the expressive partner feels neglected and the less-expressive partner feels smothered.

[carhill]

I think that relationships are most successful when both people have similar emotional needs, because when one person is more emotionally expressive than the other it leads to problems; the expressive partner feels neglected and the non-expressive partner feels smothered.

 

I agree with this. In fact, after much discussion of it in MC, I've come to the conclusion that it's an essential element of compatibility. In our case, my wife felt the most loved when I left her alone, but she knew I was around in case she needed me. Example: She liked when I'd sit quietly and read the computer or a book while she watched her favorite TV show after coming home from a long day, but if I went into another room to do similar, she felt abandoned. If I engaged her, she felt smothered and overstimulated after a day of "doing that" at work. Disparate emotional styles worked against us, IMO.