Author GreenEyedLady Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 I hope she wasn't talking about me, or I will be pouring red wine down her silk dress faster than you can say "Scarlett O Hara". I think it's funny you would think I'm talking about you. You weren't even on my radar when I wrote this post. I was basically doing it to try to help. As far as pouring wine down my shirt, I say "bring it."
Author GreenEyedLady Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Wouldn't "riding it out" make the OW/OM an "available-enabler" factor? In this context, you're enabling when your R isn't working for you. I know my H/then MM ended his M when he finally saw that he was REALLY going to lose me FOREVER. From my experience, they have to have a jolt before they actually move unless they were already looking to get out in the first place and the jolt is usually NC. Some OW are fine with status quo. They don't want the guilt or sometimes commitment if the MM actually left.
Author GreenEyedLady Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 To all the people who posted who liked the post: I'm glad you liked the post. This place has been like a second home to me during dark times and happy times. And I (usually) always try to help (if I'm not policing the forum in my own special way). And to PIH, CGU and CL: **SMOOCH** Love ya Gals! Glad to see you posted! NID: I'm glad that you liked it too. I wasn't sure how it would be received. ((HUGS TO ALL)) GEL
White Flower Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Just read the whole thread and yes, GEL, it was an excellent post! All too often when we fall in love we make so much of them and their life and we can lose ourselves by doing so. We focus on them so much that we can forget why we want it so badly. By turning the focus on ourselves, we may realize that while we enjoy that person in our life they might not be so perfect for us if it became full time. We can only imagine they are the way they are with us 24 hours a day when in reality they go home and take a nap because they were on their best behavior with us! Try spending 48 hours with that man, or a whole week and you may think twice. I never saw exMM get cranky or angry but I sure heard about how he was at home all the time. And weren't you on your best behavior while with MM? And would you find it tedious being that way 24/7? There have been times when I was grateful to have my house to myself with no one to answer to and no one to be perfect for. The bottom line is finding someone who would want that for me as well--who would make me feel loved and comfortable enough to not having to be perfect all the time. And I'm not going to pine away for it. It will come when it comes. Oh, and I understand perfectly about the 'bedding' part. All MM are about 'bedding', lol.
NoIDidn't Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 To all the people who posted who liked the post: I'm glad you liked the post. This place has been like a second home to me during dark times and happy times. And I (usually) always try to help (if I'm not policing the forum in my own special way). And to PIH, CGU and CL: **SMOOCH** Love ya Gals! Glad to see you posted! NID: I'm glad that you liked it too. I wasn't sure how it would be received. ((HUGS TO ALL)) GEL I don't think you would have gotten much flak from former BSs or anyone that generally doesn't think an A is the best choice, because its what we tend to say when a poster seems like the A has taken control of their thinking faculties and they come across as totally delusional and in denial. Your point was spot on without any level of moralizing. Can I talk about you for a sec though? Nothing too personal, I promise. A lot of OWs look to your story and get, what I think to be, truly false hope. Your now H did lie to you about his marital status - for whatever reason. But during that time period he was in a relationship with the real you, not the sneaking around because he had a W, you. When the bomb did drop, you decided to stay (but I'm sure it was with much agonizing initially) and he got to see that you truly wanted "him" and not the thought of some prize of him. Your situation is pretty unusual but it still lends itself to the same rules. I remember when you left him. You never gave any indication that you would ever consider going back. He probably knew that and decided he wanted what he had with you. I hope the thing that stands out most from your OP is that you took your own advice. Many don't do that. :bunny:
OldEurope Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 To all the people who posted who liked the post: I'm glad you liked the post. This place has been like a second home to me during dark times and happy times. And I (usually) always try to help (if I'm not policing the forum in my own special way). And to PIH, CGU and CL: **SMOOCH** Love ya Gals! Glad to see you posted! NID: I'm glad that you liked it too. I wasn't sure how it would be received. ((HUGS TO ALL)) GEL Very nice post GEL.... And I totally agree about the bottom line. What it comes down to is self-esteem. IF a gal does not have it, ALL her relationships will be unhealthy, whether with a single guy lacking character or an "MM" who strings them along. You just have to be really centered and on solid ground with yourself and personality and values and THEN from there you build a great relationship. Weak attracts weak---be careful! There seems to be rampant unhappiness among women so many decades after so many lessons about dutifulness versus freedom in a woman's identity, but that is a psychological investigation for another time and place. Main point is, self-respect is the basis of true freedom and true success. GEL's points are valid for relationships of all sorts... OE
Mimolicious Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Reality is. I didn't single anyone out. Made an observation in general. Can't say I've known any OW who was a DQ whose MM left his W. You just did! ME. My H left me and his kids for some psycho DQ that has done the unimaginable. Now when he comes to see his kids or she assumes that we are under the same roof (getting along pretty well- i must say) she doesn't stop calling and flipping her wig. I dont see that lasting! Who would want to complicate their life in such a way???? Jeez! Sucks to be her, cause it sure sucked to be ME. Karma is a mother flower! Dont do to others...
Stepone Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I think it's funny you would think I'm talking about you. You weren't even on my radar when I wrote this post. I was basically doing it to try to help. As far as pouring wine down my shirt, I say "bring it." Yeah, I am not so much of a drama queen than a very defensive narcissist! Hehe. Sorry GEL. and not that the fact I have real green eyes makes any difference, but I felt a bit huffy that night that you got your MM and I didn't - what's wrong with me......... *slinks off into a corner and drinks the wine*.....
Stepone Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 ....... you decided to stay (but I'm sure it was with much agonizing initially) and he got to see that you truly wanted "him" and not the thought of some prize of him. :bunny: See NID I think this statement could give OWs false hope. It certainly gave me momentary regret. "Should I have stayed so he realised I really did love him..."
NoIDidn't Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 *slinks off into a corner and drinks the wine*..... Yeah, its always better to drink it than to pour it over someone. What a waste! But get out of the corner. Drinking wine is a social activity!
OWoman Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I so believe in this. I think people who have ongoing and unresolved psych problems will NEVER be happy or find the person they can be happy with. They gravitate to abusers because that's the kind of living they are familiar with. ???? Are you sayong OWoman abuses him too??? :laugh:The bruises are from moving house, I promise... :laugh: Seriously, though, my H did a lot of introspection, spoke to a good many friends and family members, went to IC and family counselling and read a great deal, and even now it's not completely sorted (sometimes the xW can still elicit a knee-jerk response from him like a wounded puppy - until someone points it out to him or he catches himself doing it, and changes his behaviour.) but then, changing decades of learned and reinforced behaviour is not going to change overnight...
NoIDidn't Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 :laugh:The bruises are from moving house, I promise... :laugh: Seriously, though, my H did a lot of introspection, spoke to a good many friends and family members, went to IC and family counselling and read a great deal, and even now it's not completely sorted (sometimes the xW can still elicit a knee-jerk response from him like a wounded puppy - until someone points it out to him or he catches himself doing it, and changes his behaviour.) but then, changing decades of learned and reinforced behaviour is not going to change overnight... Thanks for seeing the joke in that. :lmao: whew
ednadean Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 in my ltd experience if the man has achieved financial stability that has taken years to achieve -- he won't ever leave his wife unless she's a monster [which is rarely the case]. If he does leave -- how can you ever really trust him? It's a tricky situations all round.
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