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One of the worst situations ever... :(


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Posted

Hello Love Shack,

 

I have come to this site many times before to try to find advice, and i have seen some threads that pertain to my problem but they dont really answer my problem...

 

Anyway, my problem is this.

 

I have been dating this girl for almost 3 weeks now, and it has been good so far... the only problem is it has to be kept a secret from society that we are dating. She lives in a very religious familly and they wont let her date until she is 18. She is 16 as of right now. So we have to keep it secret from them and her two brothers, one who is older and one who is younger then her.

 

But, the relationship is getting week. This is because we have no time to hang out what so ever. We met in TaeKwonDo class in our town, and we get to hang out there, but that is it. We have gone to some movies together, but we had to go in a group to make it seem less obvious. And because we go in a group we have to pretend like we aren't dating and we cant do anything like hold hands or kiss.

 

This week though, i have gotten a god send to help out the relationship. We are at this martial arts camp, just me, her, and her best friend. (she had to bring her best friend or else she couldnt come to the camp, sort of a protection thing). But, if i can get her friend to go away for a little bit, we can hang out alone, finally.

 

Anyway though, we have talked about this problem and we both feel that is greatly unfair to make the other person lie. We hate it, a lot. She has been going through a weird spell since saturday of not wanting to talk much. I think she kinda wants to stop liking me so much so she doesnt have to lie any more.

 

But like i said we talked about the problem and i asked her if there was any way she could let her parents know about it. She said no, because she was already confronted from her dad and he said that she better not have any feelings for me until she was 18, and he let her mom know that and they are really tight about it.

 

So love forum, i need your help. In a nutshell, these are the problems:

 

1. We have to keep our relationship secret, so does anyone know how we can hang out and not get caught?

 

2. We are at a camp together with her friend, does anyone have any good strategies or plans to help get her friend to go away for a while so we can hang out?

 

3. Does anyone know how we can keep the relationship strong until she turns 18, even if we cant hang out that much?

 

Much help is needed, thanks in advanced.

Posted

I'm sorry to hear about this situation you are in here. You have many factors working against you here, and unfortunately it sounds like you're not going to win. She's been banned from seeing you or anyone else until she turns 18. End of story.

 

Best suggestion is to end it now. Keep things friendly, and, if you still know each other when she's 18 then maybe. But it doesn't sound like there is much of a future for you two. We all have limitations, especially at her young age. Her religious family has their reasons, I'm sure, for keeping her out of the pool until age 18, and she must be going along with it for some reason. You simply do not have many choices in this matter, so it's best you both move on.

  • Author
Posted

We talked it over and she said that she still didnt want to break up, no matter what.

 

I understand that it is hard to get through this, but she seems to be willing and that makes me more willing to do it too.

 

I just need some tips on how to get alone with her, even though we could get caught, i just need some tips. It doesnt matter if we get caught, so she said, she just wants to have some time.

Posted

Here is my thought:

 

She comes from a very religious background, and if what she is doing may displease her parents, perhaps now is not the time to persue anything. My Family comes from a very deep religious background as well, and the virtue of marriage and relationships is a very cherished and treasured thing. While this lifestyle may not prove to be one she wishes for herself when she is older (as my mother chose) it is still in the forefront of her daily life. If she should chose to stray at a young age and then decide that her current lifestyle is the best she may live with a guilt the rest of her life. At 16 please be patient with her, and if that means that you need to back off and be her friend only until she is 18 then that is what you must do. If you truly feel like she is the one then this is something that should be easy for you to do as loving her means that you respect her religious beliefs. Her family will respect you for that as well.

 

What exactly do you need to get her alone for? Perhaps you need to slow down 3 weeks is not enough time for a girl of 16 to need to be alone with a boy. In my opinion, expecially one in as strict of a religion as it sounds she is.

 

Like i said a relationship such as this one requires ALOT of patientce. Many religions (what is sounds as though she is involved in) Only allow hand holding when the reach 18 and a kiss is only allowed after marriage. So be prepared to takes things slowly and carefully.

Posted

the montagues and the capulettes .....romeo and juliet anyone?

 

How old are you????

Posted

Clearly she is conflicted regarding her feelings for you, and wanting to respect her parents and honor her religious beliefs.

 

Stop pressuring her before her Dad restricts her further and/or beats the crap out of you.

Posted

Here's the thing - relationships are hard enough within themselves, but you have to deal with the fact that you can't even actually date this girl, so honestly, I don't see how this can ever work.

 

Can you email each other? Talk on the phone? IM or anything?

 

If not, then I don't think it can survive. Relationships are like flowers in the garden - they need to be nurtured to survive, and that requires being able to see each other, interact live, touch each other, foster intimacy, etc.

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Posted

Yes, i do respect her. And your advice is clear to me. I know what i have to do if i want this to turn out when we get older.

 

I am 18 years old.. i think someone had asked that.

 

And yes, we can. We talk on the phone almost every night till one of us falls asleep. And we txt when we are not talking. IM doesnt happen much since neither one of us are on the computer that often.

Posted

Interesting situation. Whenever I read a post like this, I ask myself "What would I do if I was in this situation?" For me, I would establish our relationship as a just friends relationship that involves kissing and whatever else. That way, you're not dating. You're just good friends that kiss. Have her talk to her parents about you and have her tell them that you are a really good friend. That isn't lying. You are a good friend. Just don't ever hold hand or kiss in front of parents and friends. When she's 18, you guys can date. So try not to think of you guys as dating, just good friends that hold hands and kiss. Think of it that way :)

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