pandagirl Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I remember there is a thread like this already, but this is more of a vague question. I have JUST started to date someone new via a dating site. Those familiar with my herpes thread, knows we've only been on a couple dates, but he is very attentive, always calls, writes, etc. He seems pretty great...so far. I noticed today he JUST updated his profile information, something he hasn't done in a month -- when we first started emailing. Why update it now when we JUST started dating? This happened last year, too, with a guy I met online. He was super attentive, into me, told me he liked me, then after not updating his profile for awhile, he updated it while dating me. wtf? Listen, I don't expect commitment or anything from these guys -- we barely know each other, and god knows they are free to date other people at this stage. But why after not touching their profile for a long time, choose to update it when they are just starting to date sometime they seem into? More than anything, it's just kind of puts me off and makes me think they are being disingenuous in their actions towards me.
Jilly Bean Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I feel strongly both ways on this on, PG. As a woman, I also would be really offended and turned off if someone who was supposedly into me, started reposting or updating a profile. If I like someone, then I'm into just HIM, so I totally get your feeling on that. Then again, keep in mind that not all men approach dating as women do, and that his actions don't necessarily mean he's looking for the BBD (bigger, better deal). I read a lot of John Gray books. He preaches that men don't even exist until the 5th date, as he believes the propensity to poof is great during this period, and that when early dating, both parties should keep their options open, as dating is just dating - getting to know someone. So, I can see why you're upset (I would be, too), but LOGICALLY speaking, his actions at this point don't detract from what he has done, or told you. Now, if a guy does this AFTER you've been sleeping together, then yeah, big problem. But, after two dates? Don't let it sweat ya. But I'd keep my profile up a while longer as well.
carhill Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 IMO, pay attention less to online profiles and more to real world interactions and feelings. Assign the electrons the importance they deserve
Author pandagirl Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 I feel strongly both ways on this on, PG. As a woman, I also would be really offended and turned off if someone who was supposedly into me, started reposting or updating a profile. If I like someone, then I'm into just HIM, so I totally get your feeling on that. Then again, keep in mind that not all men approach dating as women do, and that his actions don't necessarily mean he's looking for the BBD (bigger, better deal). I read a lot of John Gray books. He preaches that men don't even exist until the 5th date, as he believes the propensity to poof is great during this period, and that when early dating, both parties should keep their options open, as dating is just dating - getting to know someone. So, I can see why you're upset (I would be, too), but LOGICALLY speaking, his actions at this point don't detract from what he has done, or told you. Now, if a guy does this AFTER you've been sleeping together, then yeah, big problem. But, after two dates? Don't let it sweat ya. But I'd keep my profile up a while longer as well. I agree with you, JB! But seriously, it's just such a mindf***! Like you, when I am into a person, I am just into HIM. I have no interest in trying to find someone else. Keep your dating profile up, log in, check your messages, write women, do whatever -- but updating your profile is like...a PRO-ACTIVE attempt at putting yourself out there and making yourself look more attractive to other women. I guess it's a bummer because one of the things I like about the guy is he doesn't seem like a player, and these actions go against my view of him. But, perhaps, that is a blessing in disguise. Am I making sense or do I just sound crazy?
BubblyPopcorn Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I agree with Carhill. I wouldn’t worry too much about someone’s online status.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Is this the guy you went on one date once and contemplated about telling him about your health issues?
Jilly Bean Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I agree with you, JB! But seriously, it's just such a mindf***! Like you, when I am into a person, I am just into HIM. I have no interest in trying to find someone else. Keep your dating profile up, log in, check your messages, write women, do whatever -- but updating your profile is like...a PRO-ACTIVE attempt at putting yourself out there and making yourself look more attractive to other women. I guess it's a bummer because one of the things I like about the guy is he doesn't seem like a player, and these actions go against my view of him. But, perhaps, that is a blessing in disguise. Am I making sense or do I just sound crazy? I agree - I think ALL of dating is a mindscrew, and as much as people say there aren't games - there always is! I just think that men and women approach dating far differently, you know? We meet a guy, that's it for us. As much as women won't admit it, we all let our minds run amok with fantasies of him being THE ONE. Guys just think, "yeah - PG's a cool chick. I have to call her to take her out on FRI. Right after I update my match profile." Like they're all separate issues, you know? Men compartmentalize quite well. We see how everything interconnects. I wouldn't condemn him quite yet. Give it a third date, and see how he behaves. Thing is, you're at an age and a place, where you don't need to overinvest in something or someone that you feel isn't going to fulfill you. So, if you decide to cut bait, that's cool - just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.
Author pandagirl Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Is this the guy you went on one date once and contemplated about telling him about your health issues? Yup. This would that dude.
Author pandagirl Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 I agree - I think ALL of dating is a mindscrew, and as much as people say there aren't games - there always is! I just think that men and women approach dating far differently, you know? We meet a guy, that's it for us. As much as women won't admit it, we all let our minds run amok with fantasies of him being THE ONE. Guys just think, "yeah - PG's a cool chick. I have to call her to take her out on FRI. Right after I update my match profile." Like they're all separate issues, you know? Men compartmentalize quite well. We see how everything interconnects. I wouldn't condemn him quite yet. Give it a third date, and see how he behaves. Thing is, you're at an age and a place, where you don't need to overinvest in something or someone that you feel isn't going to fulfill you. So, if you decide to cut bait, that's cool - just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Yeah, I guess I'm just old-fashioned like that. I want a boy to meet a girl, they like each other and drama-free dating ensues. I wish! That's the problem. I'm a person who hates going out and meeting people -- I'm sort of shy and a wallflower when it comes to talking to men. So I try online dating, but it's just too disingenuous for me! I hate the feeling that you are "shopping" for people. I'm a person, not a profile!
xpaperxcutx Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Yeah, I guess I'm just old-fashioned like that. I want a boy to meet a girl, they like each other and drama-free dating ensues. I wish! That's the problem. I'm a person who hates going out and meeting people -- I'm sort of shy and a wallflower when it comes to talking to men. So I try online dating, but it's just too disingenuous for me! I hate the feeling that you are "shopping" for people. I'm a person, not a profile! Well basically you're a person with a profile. In all seriousness, since you guys only went on one date, there's no need to jump to conclusions that he's actually " shopping" for someone better. You guys aren't exclusive so you're free to update your own profile. In fact, put in the fact that you're not " shopping", I wonder how many response you'll actually get?
Star Gazer Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Unfortunately, I don't think it's a good sign. Although I usually diagree with this dude, he really did say it best in another thread on the same subject: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2194678&postcount=2 Been there, it sucks.
rachel m Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I'm not really familiar with on-line dating, but is there any chance he is updating his profile to impress you?
amymarieca Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I dated a guy for 6 months that I met online. For the first 2 months, he was still logging in to the site, and possibly seeing other people. I didn't mind this because we hadn't talked about exclusivity. After a while we both agreed not to go on the site and that we weren't sleeping with anyone but each other. Six months in to the relationship, I found out he was seeing someone else! It was blatantly obvious on his Facebook profile. After seeing that and confronting him, I created another profile on the dating site we met on and found his profile on there again! God only knows how long it took him to create another profile after deleting his original one. This is the problem with online dating. All the experiences I have had were just men looking to get laid or just for casual dating, which is fine, but many of them aren't honest about it. I don't think that him updating his profile after 2 dates is a big deal, but if you two start to see each other more and sleep together, I would definitely make a fuss about it!
Author pandagirl Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 I've had a slight change in heart about this situation. Guess what? I shouldn't be focusing on this guy so much after only two dates. I like him a lot, and I don't expect to find someone I like better, but I need to keep my options open, just like it seems he is. If things are meant to be between us, let him date other people and either he will realize how awesome I am, or he'll find someone he likes better. Same for me. Either way, things will end up how they should be.
Author pandagirl Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Creepy internet stalker much? huh? what are you talking about?
rod_in_gtown Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I have something similar going on. I met this girl on a dating site not long ago. we went on our first date last wed, then again friday, and our third date yesterday. My account with our dating site had expired and I had turned it off. I checked today and she had deleted hers as well. But then I went onto another site where she had told me she had some success and looked her up and found her with activity in the past 24 hours. It's only been 3 dates in about a week and we get a long very well. I like her and I'm pretty sure she likes me. I'm going to ask her out again and see what she says. However I can't expect her to shut everything down and move in with me immediately... But it does put me a little down.
carhill Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 huh? what are you talking about? Although I don't think I would have worded it that strongly, there is a modicum of accuracy contained. I can tell you, as a man, such behaviors would ultimately drive me away. A healthy relationship, even a dating one, is predicated upon implied perception of trust and honesty. Expect that he will have a dating profile up. Expect that he will date other women. You're not exclusive, nor engaged, nor married Once you have shared your 'story' with him and have had a talk regarding exclusivity, if you get that far, then it is time to proactively take steps to validate that decision; not until then. IOW, if he is serious, he will want to remove his posting; not wait for your request. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Author pandagirl Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Yes, I get where you are going Carhill. So far his actions are good. I'll just take it day by day. Right now I haven't seen him in over a week due to me being out of town and him being sick. Now, I have to fly home this weekend for a family funeral. Then I'm out of town again NEXT weekend. Man, dating is hard when you already have a full life!
carhill Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Dating is an e-mail; dating is a 5 minute phone call; dating is a thoughtful word; dating is expressing an interest. Every choice you make in life is yours. It's mine. I chose to respond to your post instead of picking up my breakfast plates and washing them, which I will do now. Envision your priorities. Act on them. IME, when one is interested and attracted, one expands their time to act on those; they *choose* to. What do you choose?
Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 To me, there's a big difference between keeping a profile up and checking it (and thereby showing activity) in the first few dates, and CHANGING/updating it after those first few dates.
Author pandagirl Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 To me, there's a big difference between keeping a profile up and checking it (and thereby showing activity) in the first few dates, and CHANGING/updating it after those first few dates. I agree. But it's only been two dates and I really should pay attention to how he interacts with me in real life, rather than passively check his dating profile and making assumptions. At least, I'm trying to do that.
Author pandagirl Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Dating is an e-mail; dating is a 5 minute phone call; dating is a thoughtful word; dating is expressing an interest. Every choice you make in life is yours. It's mine. I chose to respond to your post instead of picking up my breakfast plates and washing them, which I will do now. Envision your priorities. Act on them. IME, when one is interested and attracted, one expands their time to act on those; they *choose* to. What do you choose? I am choosing to get to know this guy better and make time for him, without losing myself in the process.
carhill Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 OK, OP, what did he update? I guess you likely know his profile by heart, or downloaded it. IMO, all this scrutinizing of the trees misses the forest's beauty. Kinda hard to see that when all one is looking at is bark.
Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I agree. But it's only been two dates and I really should pay attention to how he interacts with me in real life, rather than passively check his dating profile and making assumptions. At least, I'm trying to do that. Did you read the post I quoted? I think it's quite telling. I mean, after your dates, were you inspired to change your profile?
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