wow123 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Time and Time again it is said the the dumper let go of the relationship before they broke up with us. How do they do this while still seeing/talking to us daily. Many of us are on weeks even months of NC and still cant let the relationship go.
tigerstripes Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 It's not like one day you just hate your s/o (unless something major happens). You just kind of grow apart, you find yourself less and less interested because you're not getting something that you need out of the relationship or there is a personality trait that you can't overlook anymore. You're letting go but it's really a period of uncertainty where if you find that it's not just a temporary bump in the road, you have already gotten to the point where you aren't invested anymore. Not because you stop caring about the person.
lonelygurl Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Time and Time again it is said the the dumper let go of the relationship before they broke up with us. How do they do this while still seeing/talking to us daily. Many of us are on weeks even months of NC and still cant let the relationship go. I don't know how it works for some people but many don't want to try to work out the issues involved or communicate properly. It is more work to keep a relationship going than it is to leave and start a new one. But eventually the new relationship will grow old. Depends on the person and their patterns too. I personally would try to work at the relationship to resolve things rather than my X who left for the second time in December. He never expressed his unhappiness and we were not communicatning well. I was afraid to bring it up because he had left me before and I could see our relationship falling into the same pattern. I wanted to stay together and "repair" the relationship as I had discussed with my counselor, but he said he was "numb", in other words it was too late. but he was chronically dating a lot of women and none really lasted very long. I was his longest relationship next to his wife. Rather than us communicating things broke down and he left rather than talk to me about it. The betrayal for me runs very deep. I know he would have had a new g/f right away, possibly before he even left, because he can't stand to be alone and he has always had another woman lined up before he leaves. He dumped a girl for me and I wasn't the first. I personally don't get it. I have no interest in men or dating and it's been six months today that he left. I was with my Xhusband for 18 years and for about three years I tried to get him to do counseling with me, but he always refused. After I felt I had exhausted everything to keep us together happily I did decide to leave. But that was after I had spent all that time getting him to work on our marriage as well. I think it is just too easy for people to get up and leave now and they don't really want to hold true to the vows they take and actually work at the relationship. I don't think people should stay together no matter what, considering abuse and stuff like that. But I do believe long lasting relationships are breaking down. In the mean time we are left to deal with the pain. Everyone says it takes time, but I don't know how much really. I have read and been told in my situation it could take up too two years for me to completely heal. It has been six months and I'm still a complete mess. But I also have severe anxiety and depression, so I think my grief has been a bit complicated.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 It is like balancing a scale. As long as there is something left on the 'positive' side, you can ignore the slowly growing 'negative' and try to enjoy what 'positive' there is left. It is when the scale tips that you start hearing stuff like "I need space/time", etc. When the scale bottoms out on the 'negative' then its game over.
Author wow123 Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Lonelygurl, I know exactly what you mean. My ex expects perfection in a relationship. She didn't tell me about the things that were making her unhappy until she was too far gone. Poor communication and unwillingness to put work into a relationship. She is young and I don't think she has yet realized that relationships take work even if you are with the right person. It shouldn't be a constant struggle but it always involves some work on both parts to be happy together.
Thornton Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Time and Time again it is said the the dumper let go of the relationship before they broke up with us. How do they do this while still seeing/talking to us daily. Many of us are on weeks even months of NC and still cant let the relationship go. Simples... they have fallen out of love with you, while you were still in love with them up to and beyond the end of the relationship. If the person is not getting what they need in a relationship they will gradually begin to withdraw... this is the point at which most couples would agree they need to work on the relationship, but sometimes either the person involved is quite young and walking away is easier than working on things, while at other times the person may think it's not possible to work on their issues, or maybe they tried to work on them already and it didn't help. Either way, the person is slowly withdrawing from the relationship while you are still invested, to the point at which they end it while you still want to be in it. Gradually you have begun to turn them off, but they don't turn you off, so they are relieved to end the relationship and you are miserable because you still love them. Seeing you every day is what actually turns them off... you begin to annoy them and they feel more and more turned off every day just by being around you, until they finally dump you.
AriaIncognito Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I have to agree with previous posters. It's because when you're not getting what you need out of a relationship, whatever it may be, it causes you to basically start seeing all the negatives and no longer able to see as many positives. I would disagree though with those that said people think it's easier to walk away than work on it. I'm in a situation currently where I've been communicating 100% with my partner, but nothing is changing. He agrees with me when i say things to him, and he agrees that we need to work on getting that rectified, but then nothing happens. It's as if he's totally happy with where the relationship is, where I feel it either needs to move ahead, or end. It's incredibly difficult to deal with these feelings, thinking about the fact that you don't know if you'll even be with the person when people ask you about the future and whatnot. The last place I want to be, is back out there again. however, I also know that I can't sit in a relationship too much longer, that isn't giving me what I need emotionally/physically. You just end up resenting eachother too much. So yeah, it's entirely possible that someone can feel blindsided by the other person walking, and it's totally possible that it seems like they are over you instantly, but I don't think it's really that cut and dried. Just because someone isn't showing you they are hurting, doesn't mean they aren't. It just means they might want you to be able to move on as well.
Exit Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I certainly don't know. I have never ended a relationship. Whereas the girl who just left me after 1.5 years has never been dumped. Some people already mentioned poor communication and that is a HUGE part. I am also a victim of an ex who didn't tell me ANYTHING until AFTER the fact. Girls like that who expect you to read their mind aren't worth the trouble. People like that need to learn that true love is about looking someone in the eye and saying "I love you, I want to be with you, but this is what I need". Instead they just notice a fault, and sit there quietly and see if you'll keep repeating it. She told me I had blown my last chance and my response was "WHAT CHANCE?!". If they would sit down and say "I am GOING to leave if this doesn't change...", then they'd have a point. Instead, they wait, and then say, "I'm leaving, and this is why". How do they do it? I have no idea. Well, in my ex's case, as I said, she has never been dumped. She doesn't know what the pain is like. And she also has a record of guys who totally spoiled her, bought her things, treated her like a queen, with very little effort on her part, so she probably expects that a guy like that is not hard to find. It makes it a little easier for me to move on knowing that somewhere down the line in her life is a reality check waiting to hit her like a ton of bricks.
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