Author lolarose Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Exactly right you did nothing wrong. Nothing you could have done or said was going to make him stop thinking about his ex. Had he been emotionally available things would have been different. Not saying it would have worked out in the end but you cannot second guess your actions when you were dealing with an emotionally unavailable man right out of the gate. He was the one with issues, not you. Had he been available the things you did or said would have been fine given his initial interest. You are being monday morning quarterbacked by some here when the game was nothing more than a scrimmage anyway. Exactly, talk about creating drama. I always noticed that the ones always so concerned with drama are the ones that create it. This is an adult message board and I feel like I am talking to a bunch of 16 year old girls who read nothing but Oprah's book club books. lol Thanks to you too, Die Hard.
Chocolat Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 i am not contradicting....i am just adding more detail. the OP was (if you can believe it) my attempt at an abbreviated explanation. and like i said....all that was not even my concern. i know i didnt chase him. i dont know why youre so fixated on it. maybe you should stop judging others and look a little deeper into yourself as to why you need to spend your time find other people's "faults"?? hmm? Is this for me? In the event that it is, I think it's quite clear that you initiated a ton of contact with this guy, even after he made it clear that he did not want a (physical) relationship. I also think I was clear that my comments are not about finding fault but about you adjusting your behavior to achieve the outcome YOU want. Good luck.
Die Hard Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Exactly, talk about creating drama. I always noticed that the ones always so concerned with drama are the ones that create it. This is an adult message board and I feel like I am talking to a bunch of 16 year old girls who read nothing but Oprah's book club books. lol Thanks to you too, Die Hard. I don't think its anything personal, like you say its a message board and opinions will be posted. I wouldn't take any of it personally. I had the easy job of teling you that you did nothing wrong so yeah you liked my advice. At the end of the day most folks here are just trying to help in their own way. You are welcome though and quit sweating this dude.
Author lolarose Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Is this for me? In the event that it is, I think it's quite clear that you initiated a ton of contact with this guy, even after he made it clear that he did not want a (physical) relationship. I also think I was clear that my comments are not about finding fault but about you adjusting your behavior to achieve the outcome YOU want. Good luck. yes, he didnt want a physical relationship, he wanted a REAL relationship with me. (he actually said those exact words at one point)
Chocolat Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 yes, he didnt want a physical relationship, he wanted a REAL relationship with me. (he actually said those exact words at one point) Ok. And what I am saying is that your behavior, manifested in your refusal to respect the physical boundaries he asked for, ended up sabotaging your goal. There's no way to know what he would have done or how you'd have ended up if you had allowed him to pursue you at the pace that was right for him. I understand that DieHard is presenting an appealing scenario in that he is saying it's all about the guy and nothing to do with you. I also understand that you had to apologise to this guy - twice! - for getting drunk and behaving badly (your words). So maybe DieHard's take is correct and maybe it isn't - there's no way to know. All we can know is that, at a minimum, had you not pressed him you would not have had to deal with feeling that you'd lost your dignity. This is what I meant when I said you should look at how you behave in the context of getting the outcome you want.
Die Hard Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Ok. And what I am saying is that your behavior, manifested in your refusal to respect the physical boundaries he asked for, ended up sabotaging your goal. There's no way to know what he would have done or how you'd have ended up if you had allowed him to pursue you at the pace that was right for him. I understand that DieHard is presenting an appealing scenario in that he is saying it's all about the guy and nothing to do with you. I also understand that you had to apologise to this guy - twice! - for getting drunk and behaving badly (your words). So maybe DieHard's take is correct and maybe it isn't - there's no way to know. All we can know is that, at a minimum, had you not pressed him you would not have had to deal with feeling that you'd lost your dignity. This is what I meant when I said you should look at how you behave in the context of getting the outcome you want.I just don't see the point in negatively analyzing someone's behavior when the guy was not emotionally available. Had this guy not just got out of a serious R then maybe I would have some more opinions. I just don't see the point when imo nothing she could have done would have brought him around. Imo she could take your exact advice and it would have been the same outcome with this particular guy. I just don't see the point in her beating herself up over any of this. This is exactly why those fresh out of a R need to take a break before jumping back in feet first. It never comes to any good and his behavior was typical for a guy who jut got out of a R he didn't want to see end but doesn't know what to do about it. imo.
Author lolarose Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Ok. And what I am saying is that your behavior, manifested in your refusal to respect the physical boundaries he asked for, ended up sabotaging your goal. There's no way to know what he would have done or how you'd have ended up if you had allowed him to pursue you at the pace that was right for him. I understand that DieHard is presenting an appealing scenario in that he is saying it's all about the guy and nothing to do with you. I also understand that you had to apologise to this guy - twice! - for getting drunk and behaving badly (your words). So maybe DieHard's take is correct and maybe it isn't - there's no way to know. All we can know is that, at a minimum, had you not pressed him you would not have had to deal with feeling that you'd lost your dignity. This is what I meant when I said you should look at how you behave in the context of getting the outcome you want. Yes, I understand. This is why I'm on here. Regarding how I acted that last night. I regret it like crazy and I'm pretty sure it scared him away - just hoping that maybe, just maybe....it didn't. I was just annoyed at how everyone was taking the rest of the story wrong, which could have been my fault- the way I wrote it. I think he and I both got the wrong impression of what the other wanted, to be honest. I thought I had to prove to him that I really liked him and didnt just want sex....when halfway thorugh he probably had more ex- drama creep up and decided he didnt want ANYTHING with me - while I did not know this....and kept thinking he wanted to date me, and he was cooling off because he thought I was not interested.
stefspets Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I don't know if it's worth jumping in with any comments since it's apparent that the only posts that the OP considers valid are the ones that put 100% blame on the guy, but here goes. I think it's irrelevant at this point if you scared him off or if he wasn't ready. He's not in contact with you and with his recent breakup and ex issues it's for the best. I don't see him resuming contact with you in the immediate future to pursue a relationship. I also think his line about not wanting to get physical because he could see himself with you was a load of BS--not because of you but because of his mental state around his breakup. All you can do now is look at the mistakes you made in this situation, as others have pointed out. If you can learn from them then you might be more successful in the future when you meet someone who is available. The two big things are the drinking/physical advances (maybe drinking around potential love interests is not a good idea) and pursuing someone after receiving an indication that either they are not interested or they want to take it slow. If not interested then you need to drop it. If they want to slow it down then you should let them set the pace. Put it this way--if he was interested he would have asked you out after the initial "date"--when he didn't you dropped by, invited him out again, etc. If people are reading the situation wrong then maybe you should take a look at your original post. It's up to you to present the situation wholly and accurately to get the best advice.
Die Hard Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Also I think it needs to be mentioned that this guy was likely giving off weird signals which could easily provoke what in hindsight appears to be bad behavior on the OP's part. Had he been truly open to a R he may very well have acted quite differently which in turn would have brought out a different respone from the OP. This is just one reason why I don't think anyone should judge themselves in a situation like this. The whole thing was hosed before it ever started.
Author lolarose Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 "I don't know if it's worth jumping in with any comments since it's apparent that the only posts that the OP considers valid are the ones that put 100% blame on the guy, but here goes." See, this is what i mean. I dont blame him at all. I 100% blame myself for the way I acted on that last night. He never did a damn thing wrong. He was a sweetheart throughout and nothing but honest with me. Im getting so sick of this.
Author lolarose Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Put it this way--if he was interested he would have asked you out after the initial "date"--when he didn't you dropped by, invited him out again, etc. LOL for the millionth time. I NEVER asked him out once. After our initial "date" he invited himself to every damn thing i did for the next week.....even sleeping over....without me asking. The asking to lunch thing....see, this is what we all do at work. it literally involves stepping outside together to pick up our takeout. he and i used to do that almost everyday. he would walk past my desk one day and say "you goin out? " and i would...and id sometimes go by his on the way out an say "im grabbin lunch, wanna come?" and he would come....everyone who worked there would do the same thing. If i didnt ask him one day, he would ask me. i would completely disregard that whole thing. i prob should not have even mentioned that as it has nothing to do with the situation. thanks. and yes, i probably should have re-written my post lol
stefspets Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I think you're being too sensitive. All of the people who have responded have given what I think is constructive criticism as to how your actions may have impacted what happened, but to every post you've been defensive. What were you expecting in response to your post? I actually agree with Die Hard in that this guy wasn't in a place to have a relationship and so this was "hosed from the start." I disagree with him in that I think you can still look at your own actions and maybe learn something from this situation. Putting 100% blame on yourself is not going to accomplish that. The situation is what it is, it's over. Take from it what you can and move forward.
Author lolarose Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Interesting turn of events for anyone that cares. Started my new gig last night (work in TV- night shift) to find that he works there as well! Same shift! I saw him from afar in his room and freaked, so I decided to hide out in my room all night and delve into my work. I decided to let nature take its course and have is run into each other later. Well, we literally almost did. lol. In the hallway. He was SO EXCITED to see me. To the point where I had to giggle. It was nervous energy, I'm sure. I'm not sure if he knew I was working there or not. Either way. He said "come here, give me a hug, it's been awhiile" and I "played it cool" (lol) what else was I supposed to do? I was friendly but let him do all of the talking, which boy did he do. He did not shut up. Asking me what I've been up to, etc....He even kept talking as he stood in the doorway to the bathroom, until I finally laughed and said "Alright dude, I'll see ya later" Maybe this is the second chance I wanted? Maybe not. I know it's definitely a chance to redeem myself.
Author lolarose Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Update us when he calls you for a date hahahha riiiiiiiiiight. : ) I'm not even going to hope for that. One day at a time, my friend.
carhill Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 It does sound funny, but there is truth in that humor. It's about signals. Do you want him to ask you out on a date?
Author lolarose Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 It does sound funny, but there is truth in that humor. It's about signals. Do you want him to ask you out on a date? Well, yes, of course I do. But I do know that it's silly to hope for that now, considering he is going through stuff with his ex and I do not want to get involved. I mean, he said he was "trying to get back together with her". That's pretty serious. I mean, what can I do now, ya know? He knows I like him. We get along well and I will continue to be my friendly self and talk to him about things we have in common, but not going to initiate anything. Ball's in his court. I also don't want it to interfere with my work.
Die Hard Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I would very, very wary. He sounds like a flake to me. He's like a kid playing with matches. He can't help himself but then the fire gets too big, he freaks and starts throwing cold water in every direction. He's either using you to take his mind off the ex or he's a chaser. My advice would be to find another interesting guy and forget anything other than friends. Running hot and cold like he has is not a good sign at all.
Author lolarose Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 well, i mean...what was he supposed to do? Be rude? He was never blowing hot and cold. Even on our last night hanging out, he was very nice. Never rude or cold. The only thing cold was the ignoring of emails, which you said was just him being a coward, not being cruel. I really dont know what to think. I dont care so much about his actions now. Im just happy I can get the chance to kind of get back some of my dignity, you know?
Author lolarose Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 and we already decided hes not using me. i mean he flat out told me he wanted to back off so he WOULDNT use me. He did a little, at first, but I wouldnt constitute our five min conversation last night "using" me. It was just a conversation. But yes, I am definitely going to be more cautious now. It's kind of like my chance to go back in time. lol
Die Hard Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 and we already decided hes not using me. i mean he flat out told me he wanted to back off so he WOULDNT use me. He did a little, at first, but I wouldnt constitute our five min conversation last night "using" me. It was just a conversation. But yes, I am definitely going to be more cautious now. It's kind of like my chance to go back in time. lol Like I told you already if he's a CP he will lie cheat or steal to keep it under wraps, even in his own mind. Not looking at actions is like sticking your head in the sand. Otoh, if he's not a chaser, he's still hung up on the ex and is just playing around until he gets weird feelings again. Otherwise he'd have asked you out. You've given every indication you are interested and he does what..nothing. Just remember you were warned.
Author lolarose Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Well, as far as I'm concerned, he hasnt done anything but be friendly to me at work. He's not doing anything. But yes, he could cme around and start chasing again for all I know. I doubt he will, honestly. I doubt he is a CP. Ive dealt with many of them. To be honest with you, I am a confirmed CP myself. lol who knew?????
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