Did I scare him away for good? or was he just not ready?

[lolarose]

I wouldn't tell you. I'd lie in real life. Partly because it would hurt you and partly because it would make ME feel bad. Ignoring you isn't right at all nor are my actions justified. At the end of the day it is selfishness...and a desire to take the easy way, or better yet, the path of least resistance that would cause this behavior in myself.

 

well if he were gonna lie, he could have said no when i asked if he was trying to get back with his ex.

[paddington bear]

Paddington, I know this. I dread this. It's what always happens! lol

 

That's why I'm so worried that I lost any chance of him coming back around when he's ready...

 

If I had said "ok i understand....you have stuff to deal with ..but i like you and hope we can stay in touch" and left it at that...I feel like he's hold me in high esteem and come around. OR HE MIGHT NOT. That's the thing. Did my actions really even matter.

 

Now I feel like I screwed it up for good. However. It's never too late to leave it alone. and i have for over 2 weeks now! GO ME! I'm hoping this helps me re-gain my independent "shes really cool and doesnt need me" status. It's definitely better than still trying to contact him. You cant screw it up more by doing nothing!

 

 

Lol! Yes doing nothing certainly stops your chances of screwing it up. However, don't forget nothing ventured nothing gained, God loves a try-er and all similar cliches. You did what you thought was right at the time. If his head hadn't been in the ex-zone it would have worked because he found you attractive. On the bright side, even if construed as chasing you have been friendly and approachable after the events, so he has your number, knows how to contact you. Just keep it cheery and breezy from now on and show him through your actions that it's not a big, heavy deal.

[lolarose]

lol. im definitely a try-er.

 

ugh this all happened so fast and its so hard to believe i lost him...maybe for good. i keep thinking back to how cute he was, following me around and constantly saying hi to me at work. i just hate knowing that my actions may have caused the outcome. thats the real bugger. if i heard he got back with his ex, i would have a HUGE weight lifted off me, knowing there was nothing i could do...and that my actions didnt cause anything. in fact, is it weird that i'd be RELIEVED if he got back with his ex? lol

[Trialbyfire]

lolarose, I'm not going to soft-sell you, although it's not about fault, more about methodology.

 

When you pressure someone so hard at the beginning, it can cause them to step backwards and re-evaluate. As a woman, it's happened to me enough that I'm guessing, I have an inkling about how this guy is feeling.

 

Also, when someone is fresh out of a relationship, they're less interested in anything serious right away.

 

Back completely off this guy and say "Hi" if he does. Otherwise just keep it professional. Truthfully speaking, I wouldn't bother with this guy, even if he turns around and wants something more. If this happens, it just proves he's not ready for any kind of mature relationship.

 

Btw, forget the "cool chick" personna.

[lolarose]

When you pressure someone so hard at the beginning, it can cause them to step backwards and re-evaluate. As a woman, it's happened to me enough that I'm guessing, I have an inkling about how this guy is feeling.

 

ughhhh I did not come on strong at the beginning!!!!!

 

If you read the post you would see that I'm only concerned about how I acted on our last date!!! He made all the physical moves up until then. There was no "coming on strong" on my part at the beginning. It was all him. Following me around like a puppy dog and inviting himself to everything I was going to.

 

and... the cool chick persona is all I know, sadly. I am awkward around guys and don't exactly know how to "flirt". It's my personality. I cant help it.

[pandagirl]

My own little humble opinion.

 

This guy isn't dumb. And he was mature enough to tell you up front from the very beginning that he was just out of a relationship and didn't want to rush things. He could have slept with you easily, but didn't. Seems like a stand up kind of guy.

 

I think he saw that you were too much drama for what he could handle right now. He sensed something was off with you and decided he didn't want to go down that road.

[lolarose]

thanks.

 

but what exactly was "off" ?

 

and where was the drama?

 

Please tell me, because apparently I don't know my own situation.

 

Please dont answer my post unless you are going to answer my question.

 

I have no problem with harsh truths, but come on.

 

Thanks.

[pandagirl]

The truth is, none of know what the "answer" is. We're all just throwing out our own personal opinions. And you'll make yourself crazy trying to make sense of it all.

 

I don't think you "scared" him off or was crazy or dramatic or anything. I think each person has their own set of emotional triggers. I think when he said he didn't want to be physical with you and you pushed, it was a turn off for him. Not in a physical sense, because let's face it -- guys are horny and he was attracted to you -- but he probably felt put off that he was being open and honest with you, and you did not respect his sincerity.

 

We have no idea what his break up was like. Maybe it was really bad. Maybe he is emotionally vulnerable and fragile right now. If he had any uncomfortable feelings with you, why would he want to date you, seeing he was already in pain from his recent ex?

 

You need to stop analyzing and accept the situation for what it is. If you really want a chance in the future, respect his space and be his friend.

[lolarose]

good point panda.

 

I would like to try to be his friend, but unfortunately theres nothing I can do right now.

 

I just found we both got hired on the same job that starts tomorrow. this should be fun.

 

i havent contacted him in a little over 2 weeks and dont plan to. my best game face should come in handy tomorrow.

[lizzylizliz]

My two penny worth...

 

Sounds like he doesn't know what, or who he wants. If he's going to blow hot and cold, don't buy in! There's a million other guys out there for you, and it sounds like he's got issues...you aren't together, so these aren't your problem. Maybe you have freaked the hell out of him...but so what? People say and do crazy stuff all the time, it's not the end of the world, and if he really liked you, he'd see past it. Forget him, and maybe tread more carefully next time

[Kamille]

i dont know. ive had situations like that, where they really just didnt like me and were seeing a totally new girl. i mean, i really should try to believe him...i just have trust issues

 

Oh my God, you are so like me at 27, it's uncanny. I used to wonder why guys would come on strong and then fizzle and then fall in love with the next girl.

 

I still argue that what's getting in your way is the whole "playing it cool" thing.

 

Two things: if you had admitted to yourself that you wanted something serious with him, you wouldn't sill be pining for him now. You would have realized the second he told you he wanted to work things out with his ex that you deserved better then that and you wouldn't have acted impulsively. I agree with panda, that moment is one of the moment when you cast yourself as someone who might thrive on drama.

 

Another point where you were already kind of creating drama, even though your intention was the opposite, was the first time you apologized... You say yourself he went cold, which means he lived the situation as dramatic. You were also contradicting yourself here: you kiss him and then you apologize for kissing him. Granted, up until this point, I think the level of contradiction wasn't super-high, and the guy was likely thinking that maybe you really meant it when you said you could be his friend. But the fact remains: he wanted friendship, you wanted more. This situation was bound to come to a head.

 

You should have realized BY THEN - by the apology- that the guy wasn't available for something more. That's the point when you should have said: fair enough, NEXT. that's why I feel that everything after that can be construed as drama. You two weren't on the same page and you were being dishonest about your intentions.

 

Paddington, I know this. I dread this. It's what always happens! lol

 

That's why I'm so worried that I lost any chance of him coming back around when he's ready...

 

"It's what always happens speaks" to the point I was making about you being so much like me... Clearly, something you are doing isn't working for you: my guess is it's hoping that playing cool will land you a man who has told you he isn't available.

 

Now I feel like I screwed it up for good. However. It's never too late to leave it alone. and i have for over 2 weeks now! GO ME! I'm hoping this helps me re-gain my independent "shes really cool and doesnt need me" status. It's definitely better than still trying to contact him. You cant screw it up more by doing nothing!

 

Newsflash, relationship-oriented men like to feel needed, they like to feel they are important in your life, that you think of them, that they make you happy. I'm not advocating casting yourself as someone needy, but rather as someone who appreciates having someone special in their life (and who is looking for someone special). I'm thinking that maybe by playing it cool, you're sending mix signals. Relationship material men do not respond well to mix signals.

 

 

 

I read a book written by a man about commitment phobic men...and basically the whole premise of this self-help book was that women were too needy, demanded too much, that small throwaway comments made men think that we would never be satisfied e.g. man and woman on a date, he's picked a restaurant. Date is going well, good conversation, flirting etc. Women says 'hmm they overcooked the steak, I'm going to send it back'. Man takes this personally 'huh! I'm NEVER going to be able to please this woman' and thus starts the decline of the relationship. So men being commitment phobic was actually the fault of the women, if we'd just play it a little cooler then all would be ok.

 

However, this whole take on the commitment phobic thing kind of annoyed me, as yet again, along with the Rules and He's Just not that into you, and why men like bitches and on and on and on, every self help book tells women to change their behaviour in order to 'secure' a man. It's rare that one says 'this man's not for having, he's not even aware why he's doing what he's doing, just abandon ship, you are perfect as you are, it's his problem'. We always seem to be the ones expected to fix ourselves in order to fit in with how men see relationships. I always think of it like some nature documentary. The guy is like this little deer and the woman is like a lioness having to use stealth and camouflage in order to get the prey when it would be nice if the male lion and the lady lion just got it on without all the crap of working out the why's and you should act like this and that.

 

Obviously most self-help books particularly about relationships are bought by women, so that makes sense that we are told it's our problem, as I guess we can only change ourselves, but your post has got me thinking about how some men just aren't for having no matter how much effort you put in, how you try to communicate in a way a man would respond to and how many games you play.

 

Great post Paddington, had me on the floor laughing. The key for me has been to try my best to weed out commitmentphobes (although, who knows, maybe Die Hard could fool me! ).

[Trialbyfire]

BUT i was horny as hell and acted annoyed that we couldnt at least make out. i acted * * * * ty and immature and he tried to resist, saying it wasnt a good idea since he was fresh out of a relationship. he wanted to spend more time with me. i guess i was pretty persistent and horny because he ended up giving in

Here's the first and worst example of too much pressure.

 

he was distant at work that week, so one day i popped by his desk after hours when everyone was gone and cheerily said hi and apologized if i gave him the wrong impression- that i get like that when drunk and id like to spend more time with him, like he wanted.

More pressure, when he was being distant after sex.

 

i had a dinner party at my house that weekend and he came

I'm guessing you invited him. More pressure.

 

the next week he was even MORE distant. i came around his desk a couple of times, asking if he wanted to grab some food, etc...i didnt see this as chasing at all, but im sure he knew i was interested. i didnt smother him, just popped by his desk once that week, and sent a funny email once as well. i had to initiate everything, but when i did, he was very responsive.

More pressure as he gets more and more distant.

i sent him a text that sunday night though, asking if he were going to a concert that a bunch of people we knew were going to. and i knew he was going, and a week ago he asked if i was and i said i didnt know....so i texted asking if he would be there, as i was gonna head over with some friends. NO ANSWER.

More pressure, to the point where he ignores you.

that week at work, i didnt see him til WED. and it was because i went by his desk and said HEY!

More pressure.

i flirted a little but he kept it platonic.

Now we have sexual pressure.

 

of course i had to go and ruin it. but id been patient for 2 weeks and i got drunk and horny again lol. he walked me back to the subway and i asked if i could kiss him. i leaned on him coyly and he SAID NO AND PULLED AWAY!

So then you push him some more with sexual pressure.

i was so embarrassed but instead of respecting it i had to try to overcome the humiliation by talking and talking and not shutting up. i didnt get all "psycho * * * * * " but i was confused. he kept saying it wasnt a good idea and that he was still "going through some stuff" and i said. "are you seeing someone?" and he said "no im not seeing anyone. seriously" and i asked if it was about his ex and he said yes. i should have believed him! but no. i acted like i couldnt understand why he wouldnt kiss me if he liked me and was attracted. i knew i was making it worse. he flat out even told me "no im not interested, i guess you can look at it like that. im not interested in you right now" and i guess i had my arm around him all persistent and drunk because he said "this is really hard for me" and said he had to go and that he was sorry and we would still talk and hang out.

More pressure and pathos, where he tells you for the umpteenth time, he's neither interested or ready for anything.

so i went home and called him and left a vm apologizing for acting drunk again.

AND more pressure.

 

anyway. no answer so i waited 2 days and texted him asking if the offer still stood for him to help me go bike shopping. no answer.

More pressure, when he's ignoring you.

then later that day i sent an email

And more pressure.

[Chocolat]

Thanks, TBF. You had the energy to do what I didn't.

 

Lolarose, you keep saying that you do not initiate contact and that your drinking is not a problem but, with this guy at least, you initiated tons of contact, and used your drinking as the excuse for throwing yourself at him even after he said he wasn't interested.

 

Rather than finding fault with him, you might want to examine your own behavior. You can't change how others act or react, but you cna take stpes to ensure that the way you act and react help produce the results you want.

[lolarose]

@ Trialbyfire

 

The first night we hung out, there was no sex. Basically he expressed his intense feelings for me, and it freaked me out, and I basically told him that if he just got dumped, his "feelings" for me were premature and probably not sincere, since he just met me. I felt bad that I made it seem like I wasnt interested in him and just wanted a fling, while he was getting angry because he said he wanted to date me and wanted me to believe his feelings for me. But I kept telling him that we should just be friends for now. He was angry and at first didnt want to kiss me because he said he wanted to "make things work" between us. So the reason I apologized the next day was because I felt so bad that this guy was expressing his feelings for me while I was rolling my eyes and telling him that what he was feeling wasnt real. I knew he was hurt that night and hence why he acted weird when i apologized. His face was bright red. He was embarrassed that I "shot him down" basically. I told him that I felt bad for being so harsh, and that I agreed with him and would like to get to know him better.

 

I dont feel like aything i did was "pressure". I barely talked to the guy. The dinner party I had....I didnt even invite him. That was one of the things he invited himself to. The guy was borderline stalking me. And it bothered me because I thought he and I both decided to take things slow since he just got dumped. Be he persisted, platonically, but def was always around. I couldnt even back off if I tried. Then he gets drunk after my dinner party and insists on staying at my apt and sleeping in my bed.

 

If he was "pressured" at all, it was his own problem. Any friendliness on my part was me trying to make things go back to how they were.....asking him to go to lunch, etc.... and it was literally, like, once a week that i would even talk to him.

 

my concerns have nothing to do with what went on during this time. my concerns were if i scared him off at the end. with all the apologies....

 

i know i did nothing wrong during our month of "quasi-courtship" or whatever you would call it. lol

 

I tried to back off, but he just wouldnt let me. So i figured, hey...maybe i found a good guy...

 

thanks for the breakdown though. i know he felt tons of pressure on that last night we hung out. but hey, he started it. if he didnt want to get involved with me, he shouldnt have told me he wanted to get involved with me.

[Kamille]

In the spirit of trying to help:

 

You do realize there are a lot of contradictions in what you are posting lolarose right?

 

First, the guy told you on one of the first "drunk hang outs" that HE didn't want to get involved with you. Yet, you kissed him , you apologized, you kept "playing it cool", popping by his office to say "hey".

 

So, the best you can do is recognized that you both participated in the month of "quasi courtship". Personnally, I think it was "courtship" on your side and "friendly flirting" on his side. Putting it all on him would be disgraceful.

 

But, none of that matters. Guy has issues with the ex and has made it clear he is no longer interested in you.

 

The best you can do now is move on. Forget about him. Dust yourself up and say that you will at least learn something from it. A lot of us have pointed to things that we think you could learn from this.

[Trialbyfire]

lolarose, this isn't about his behaviour which you can't control. You CAN control your behaviour. Don't keep pushing when someone is running scared, regardless of your intent.

 

You are responsible for you. He's responsible for him. No amount of excuses and justifications changes this.

 

I guarantee that a cool, independent chick would not have acted this way...

[Chocolat]

Huh? Am you in some state of altered reality?

 

We realized we had a bit in common and he gave me his number one day when we realized we both had job interviews the next morning. (we both work freelance- always looking for the next gig) SO the next day i said what the hell, I need to start dating guys and stop pining over the old guy..So, i texted him and he suggested we meet for a drink at the bar his best friend works at. So we had drinks, I met his best friend, and we all had a blast. He didnt flirt too much, but was super friendly and ended up inviting himself out with me that weekend to a party I was going to. It was at a park- so anyone could really come. so i said yea, yu should both come! Im used to guys flaking on me so i figured he wasnt really coming.

 

You initiated the first date. No mention of his intense feelings here.

 

fast fwd to that weekend, he called me ON THE DOT when he said he would and was so excited to come to the park. he showed up with his friend and meshed with my friends and we all had an amazing day- that lead to night....

 

mind you all the while, i am very nonchalant with guys, not clingy...dont call first, yadda yadda. not a game-player, just cautious and independent.

 

anyway, that night we all got drunk and i think he knew i wanted to hook up with him. (i hadnt gotten any in awhile- i was horny! lol) so he had a sweet conversation with me (drunk - but not falling over, very sincere and honest)

he said he had the worst week last week because he had just gotten dumped and seeing me at work has been the only thing that made him happy. i got freaked immediately and told him that he was probably on the rebound and he agreed, but said he didnt WANT me to be a rebound, so we should hold off getting physical because he said he gets attached easily.

 

This is the second date and he's already telling you he does not want a physical relationship.

 

Your response:

 

BUT i was horny as hell and acted annoyed that we couldnt at least make out. i acted * * * * ty and immature and he tried to resist, saying it wasnt a good idea since he was fresh out of a relationship. he wanted to spend more time with me. i guess i was pretty persistent and horny because he ended up giving in, pulling me behind a staircase and making out with me like crazy! - whispering things like "youre so perfect....and youre not just hot, i can talk to you...youre exactly what ive been looking for" and im just acting all ok ok shut up lets just make out.

 

This is what you wrote about the apology initially:

 

he was distant at work that week, so one day i popped by his desk after hours when everyone was gone and cheerily said hi and apologized if i gave him the wrong impression- that i get like that when drunk and id like to spend more time with him, like he wanted. Well, he went completely cold on me, acting awkward as hell and saying "its fine. its fine seriously" like he was super nervous and embarrassed. so i felt like that sealed the deal and i figured my approach freaked him out.

 

And here is what you said a few minutes ago:

 

So the reason I apologized the next day was because I felt so bad that this guy was expressing his feelings for me while I was rolling my eyes and telling him that what he was feeling wasnt real. I knew he was hurt that night and hence why he acted weird when i apologized. His face was bright red. He was embarrassed that I "shot him down" basically.

 

I don't have the energy to go through both posts and show all the inconsistencies, but it appears that your story is changing with time. In your initial post, it was quite clear that you were chasing a guy who'd told you releatedly that he did not want a r/s with you because he was still resolving his r/s with his ex. Your latest post suggests

 

I tried to back off, but he just wouldnt let me.

 

WTH????

[lolarose]

i dont see where the contradictions were. forgive me for being a horrible writer. He didnt tel me he wasnt interested on the first night he said he wasnt interested in GETTING PHYSICAL because he had feelings for me and wanted to date me. i just met the guy and made it clear that i wasnt sure i wanted what he wanted. i was living in the moment and wanted to make out.

 

next day, i apologize and tell him i rethought it and would like to get to know him better, and didnt mean to act like i just wanted to make out with him....

 

then i literally back off....and he comes back around like a little puppy dog. so the contact that i initiated after that came from a mindset of "aw this guy likes me so much, and i guess i WOULd like to see where things go with him...i hope he knows i like him the way he likes me and that i dont just want sex...."

 

he was far from "running scared". in fact, he added every single friend of mine that he met on facebook...which i thought was creepy....my friends saw how much he liked me at my dnner party, but i kept pulling away when he tried to get all "couple-ey" with me....and my friends were like "aw come on , give him a shot, he obviously likes you" I was just hesitant cause of the ex. I was raised to let the guy chase you, which I did.

 

i dont know why i feel the need to explain myself and keep explaining how i know i did not chase him in the least. so this will be the last. i know he has ex issues that creeped up more and more throughout the month to the point where his "im not interested in you" shocked the hell out of me. so i know it was nothing that i did....or didnt do....

 

i am just embarrassed about how i acted on the last night. period. which i know shocked the hell out of him too....because it was the polar opposite of how i usually act.

 

that's it. period.

 

theres nothing i can do.

[lolarose]

it seems like you are getting confused between the physical relationship and the real relationship....or maybe i am.....

 

but that is the story basically. sorry if i was confusing.

 

 

yes, i initiated the first "date". however, it wasnt a date. i had NO interest in him whatsoever. I was into someone else at that point, actually. I looked at that as calling a work friend up to kill time. There were a few work people there anyway and he wasnt the only one i called about meeting up. it was in no means, a "date" id say the first date was when he came to the park. which he invited himself to.

[lolarose]

i am not contradicting....i am just adding more detail.

 

the OP was (if you can believe it) my attempt at an abbreviated explanation.

 

and like i said....all that was not even my concern. i know i didnt chase him. i dont know why youre so fixated on it. maybe you should stop judging others and look a little deeper into yourself as to why you need to spend your time find other people's "faults"?? hmm?

[Kamille]

yes, i initiated the first "date". however, it wasnt a date. i had NO interest in him whatsoever. I was into someone else at that point, actually. I looked at that as calling a work friend up to kill time. There were a few work people there anyway and he wasnt the only one i called about meeting up. it was in no means, a "date" id say the first date was when he came to the park. which he invited himself to.

 

Along with a friend... Which disqualifies it as a date. Unless the word "date" was actually uttered, then I don't think you can assert that it was.

[Kamille]

and like i said....all that was not even my concern. i know i didnt chase him. i dont know why youre so fixated on it. maybe you should stop judging others and look a little deeper into yourself as to why you need to spend your time find other people's "faults"?? hmm?

 

That's it! I give up! Good luck with your love life lolarose.

[lolarose]

Along with a friend... Which disqualifies it as a date. Unless the word "date" was actually uttered, then I don't think you can assert that it was.

 

 

exactly! it wasnt even a date. i am just calling it that because everyone else did. its easier than saying "the first time we hung out". it was my best friend's birthday party , grilling in the park....so i was around quite a few of my friends.

 

it was in no means a date....well until he started expressing his feelings for me at the end of the night...and taking my hand while he did it. lol

 

this man obviously was rebounding, even if he was trying his hardest not to.

[Die Hard]

i know he has ex issues that creeped up more and more throughout the month to the point where his "im not interested in you" shocked the hell out of me. so i know it was nothing that i did....or didnt do.....

Exactly right you did nothing wrong. Nothing you could have done or said was going to make him stop thinking about his ex.

 

Had he been emotionally available things would have been different. Not saying it would have worked out in the end but you cannot second guess your actions when you were dealing with an emotionally unavailable man right out of the gate.

 

He was the one with issues, not you. Had he been available the things you did or said would have been fine given his initial interest.

 

You are being monday morning quarterbacked by some here when the game was nothing more than a scrimmage anyway.

[lolarose]

That's it! I give up! Good luck with your love life lolarose.

 

Thank you, Kamille. I appreciate all of you that addressed my ACTUAL concern and gave your sincere advice/opinions.