Kamille Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 This will be my last post but I'd just like to emphasize again that you did nothing wrong. Folks can nitpick ANYTHING when it comes to individual actions taken in these situations, but at the end of the day, NOTHING you did would chase a truly interested AND available man away. This man is interested but he is not emotionally available. STOP entertaining the idea you did anything wrong! All just my opinion of course but I do highly value my opinion. Aaaaahhh but you guys often fail to realize what it is that makes you fall for a girl so hard that nothing she does will keep you away. It usually involves 1) being drama-free 2) being/ acting like relationship-material. Again, I'm not making accusations. I'm just trying to be helpful.
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 As far as my experiences, I can post a thread later maybe but truthfully, it will be just a bunch of stuff that will further confuse you. A lot of my behavior I cannot totally explain myself. I'm not particularly unique either. Typical guy who likes a chase and is not sure what to do when he catches. This is particularly so if I were hung up on an ex. I really have no great overall advice but I thought I could help here in this narrow situation. Hope it helps..
lora22 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 LOL, I've been there/done that with a guy (with the contact thing) - it really sucks not getting any answers! Dude should just man up, but they almost never do.
Kamille Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 As far as my experiences, I can post a thread later maybe but truthfully, it will be just a bunch of stuff that will further confuse you. A lot of my behavior I cannot totally explain myself. I'm not particularly unique either. Typical guy who likes a chase and is not sure what to do when he catches. This is particularly so if I were hung up on an ex. I really have no great overall advice but I thought I could help here in this narrow situation. Hope it helps.. Soo.... a commitmentphobe? I tried to edit my previous post to add this: Again, I speak from experience Lolarose. Once I gave up the "playing it cool" act, men started showing me the nothing-will-be-held-back kind of interest that Die hard is speaking about. And, they were great quality men, ready and available for an R.
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Aaaaahhh but you guys often fail to realize what it is that makes you fall for a girl so hard that nothing she does will keep you away. It usually involves 1) being drama-free 2) being/ acting like relationship-material. Yea. I know that last night was pretty dramatic. But where was there other drama? Nowhere. I never called him. Never asked jealous questions, etc... I was always just the cool work buddy that would be friendly. Even the night he slept over, I was cool as a cucumber. Even on that last night he said to me "youve been so cool about all of this. youre f-ing awesome. youre like a dude!" lol then i had to go and ruin it. He was pulling away a little before that dramatic last night. Which by the way, lasted 5 minutes, tops.
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Aaaaahhh but you guys often fail to realize what it is that makes you fall for a girl so hard that nothing she does will keep you away. It usually involves 1) being drama-free 2) being/ acting like relationship-material. Again, I'm not making accusations. I'm just trying to be helpful. I can't argue with the drama free point. Relationship material can be a different story, for me anyway. I personally didn't see where she ws causing drama though. If anything the guy was causing drama in this situation what with he coming on strong then pulling back because of the ex. She's(OP) good to go and he's knee deep in his own drama right now, imo.
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 yea, i think i WAS good to go until i sent that text, email, and made that phone call all in a 2 day stretch after that night. lol THAT'S what im concerned about. But i think someone said this, and was right....if he was interested, it wouldnt freak him out. Espcially since I wasnt a big caller, texter, etc... for the rest of the month that we were hanging out.
Kamille Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Well, I went and reread the original post for second time- could you believe it! So I will subdue my take: he made it clear very early on that he wasn't interested. So Die-hard has a point there. Nothing you could have done, no amount of playing it cool would have gotten you this guy. Basically, it sounds like you got friendzoned. But I do think this is where being honest with yourself about what it is that you want comes in... From the sound of it, even as he was telling you he wasn't interested, you were hoping he would be if you only hung in long enough and played your cards right. yea, i think i WAS good to go until i sent that text, email, and made that phone call all in a 2 day stretch after that night. lol THAT'S what im concerned about. But i think someone said this, and was right....if he was interested, it wouldnt freak him out. Espcially since I wasnt a big caller, texter, etc... for the rest of the month that we were hanging out. Yeah - but you did initiate some contact - you texted first, went in for apologies, asked him for lunch, texted about a concert. All things that you might construct as "being friendly" and that he might perceive as "chasing". Plus, I'm not so sure you were good to go until then. I think part of where you thought you were being drama free and instead showed you were not immune to drama was by ignoring his wishes to "wait" and keeping in touch with him (albeit in amicable touch). Like that apology that had him go cold. He went cold... which meant that he likely perceived it as drama. I don't know - you might respond that I wasn't there to evaluate how casual and friendly you were being all along. I just hope you're being honest with yourself as to how you approached him and why you approached him.
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Soo.... a commitmentphobe? I tried to edit my previous post to add this: Again, I speak from experience Lolarose. Once I gave up the "playing it cool" act, men started showing me the nothing-will-be-held-back kind of interest that Die hard is speaking about. And, they were great quality men, ready and available for an R.I see your point but as an admitted commitment phobe, I can tell you, there is no formula for weeding me out. If you play hard to get ill chase until I catch. If you play it real ill be cool at first then start getting fidgety when I see you starting to arrange your life more around me or sense your growing investment in me. And most importantly, I will do ANYTHING to hide the fact that I have commitmnet issues. Now, my gut tells me this guy didn't have the time to get scared and that he has real ex issues. That said, I would run away even faster if you come to suspect this guy is a commitment phobe.
Kamille Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I see your point but as an admitted commitment phobe, I can tell you, there is no formula for weeding me out. If you play hard to get ill chase until I catch. If you play it real ill be cool at first then start getting fidgety when I see you starting to arrange your life more around me or sense your growing investment in me. And most importantly, I will do ANYTHING to hide the fact that I have commitmnet issues. Now, my gut tells me this guy didn't have the time to get scared and that he has real ex issues. That said, I would run away even faster if you come to suspect this guy is a commitment phobe. Agreed, making men chase or playing it cool doesn't weed out commitmentphobes. That's why I much prefer option number three: there is a formula to weeding commitmentphobes out. It's being upfront about wanting a relationship . Not in the "I want a relationship and it has to be you kind of way" but more in a "I date and meet people in the hopes of meeting the right guy" kind of way. But I agree, it does sound like this guy has ex issues more then he is a commitmentphobe.
Lindarose84 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 If you haven't heard from this guy in 2 weeks it's safe to say he's back with his ex and that your hanging out with him was purely him rebounding and needing someone to help him get over the sting of initially "breaking up" with his gf. On your actions with him (re: the drunken makeout attempts), I would curb that behavior because regardless of whether you're really this chill "playing it easy" kind of girl, a lot of guys read that behavior as "slutty". Yes, the wrong kind of guy will oblige you in that behavior and take advantage of it but he will always look at you as a booty call. If you want to be taken seriously as even just a date prospect, you can't give off the vibe that liquor is all it takes for you to get sexual with someone.
paddington bear Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I see your point but as an admitted commitment phobe, I can tell you, there is no formula for weeding me out. If you play hard to get ill chase until I catch. If you play it real ill be cool at first then start getting fidgety when I see you starting to arrange your life more around me or sense your growing investment in me. And most importantly, I will do ANYTHING to hide the fact that I have commitmnet issues. Now, my gut tells me this guy didn't have the time to get scared and that he has real ex issues. That said, I would run away even faster if you come to suspect this guy is a commitment phobe. Wow Diehard, I've been reading your posts on this thread with interest and I'm liking your total honesty and upfrontness - especially the above. You have in a few short words summed exactly what commitment phobics do. "I will do ANYTHING to hide the fact that I have commitment issues". I'm in agreement with you with regard to the OP's situation too. The guy clearly was not ready to get involved with someone else. Sure he was attracted to the OP, but simply not able to get involved as his head is full of ex. He knew he wanted the OP, but also knew that this was completely the wrong time to be able to give himself to her fully. Time spent away from the OP was time spent dealing with ex. Never be fooled when a guy says something like 'Oh it's really nice to be with you after dealing with my crazy ex all week' or whatever, or references to her screaming at him and how awful she is blah blah. Yeah, you might be a blessed relief, but really the fact that he's even talking about the ex at all even if it is negatiely is a major red flag, he might be complaining about her, but complaining is still thinking about, still trying to resolve emotions, still mentally connected in some way. I also agree with Kamille on the chasing - the OP tried to be friendly and cool, but in this instance I think even the little contact was perceived by him as chasing - but I mean, that's a hard balance to strike as well, we can all only do what we think is right. Silence might be taken as being sulky at being rejected, a couple of texts or office drop-bys can be seen as chasing once there's been some kind of romantic/phycial contact between the guy and the girl. Maybe the OP can say to the guy that she realises that this is the wrong time, that it's probably best for both to limit contact, but that when and if he's resolved his ex issues that she'd be happy to hear from him. Could be a year down the line and maybe he's missed his chance by then, well so be it.
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Agreed, making men chase or playing it cool doesn't weed out commitmentphobes. That's why I much prefer option number three: there is a formula to weeding commitmentphobes out. It's being upfront about wanting a relationship . Not in the "I want a relationship and it has to be you kind of way" but more in a "I date and meet people in the hopes of meeting the right guy" kind of way. But I agree, it does sound like this guy has ex issues more then he is a commitmentphobe. Well you'd be in trouble with me. Remember what I said about not ever letting anyone know I'm a CP? I'll even try and convince myself...and that's how I end up in relationships anyway. Because THIS time it will be different! But you probably know how that goes. I ususally end up with women very angry at me. A woman stating up front that she's looking for a relationship will not deter me because I've convinced myself I'm looking for a relationship too. Who knows maybe I really am looking for a R but just haven't found the right one. See, I'm convincing myself. Just to show how sick I am there is a seinfeld episode where george wants a R with a woman in prison. You get congical(spelling?) visits, and she can't just pop in at your house or get too attatched. I actually related to this! I also ended up with a married woman because I thought it would be kinda perfect but of course I fell for her. Of course she was never truly available either and that probably had something to do with it.. Trust me, I know how women hate CP's' but I always get in under their radar and that's probably a big reason why they get so mad at me afterwards. I have to go in under the radar though or else I don't get in. Like I said too I'll convince myself I'm all past that even if only to convince YOU. Rememeber what george costanza once said "its not a lie, as long as you believe it".
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Paddington Bear: yeah I'm honest here but the trick is to be honest in real life and I have yet to master that one. This is why I hang at the loveshack.
paddington bear Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 As a woman who formerly dealt with a commitmentphobe I'm curious Die Hard, have you assessed WHY you are commitmentphobic? Or have you labelled yourself as such because in fact you just actually haven't met the right woman so far? My commitment-phobic now friend, then potential drove me up the wall. He then ended up in a LTR with this poor girl and I knew from the offset that he was going to break her heart and he did. Got her then did everything in his power to push her away, she clung on in there, he disappeared, came back, disappeared again, always with valid reasons, sick parents to be minded, career opportunities in another town, but the girlfriend was never invited or allowed to partake. She finally issued an ultimatum, either move in with me and commit damn you, or it's over. It's over. I feel sorry for the girl. But ultimately I actually feel more sorry for my friend because he will never ever be able to have a loving relationship with anyone ever. And I'm not sure what the fear is, of being tied down, trapped, this is forever, oh no! I think most men go through phases of this while entering into a relationship to some small degree but the benefits outweigh their fear of committing to one woman, so I'm curious as to why the benefits of an LTR are never seen, or appreciated and are always seen as something to be afraid of, suspicious of and to be avoided.
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I hear ya about how even the limited contact I initiated could be seen as chasing...to a man who isnt emotionally ready. sad isnt it? lol i mean, what are women supposed to do? constantly play games. i am not a game player ad i didnt want him to think i hated him, so id be friendly here and there. we'd gone to lunch a million times so me asking him was not a big deal....BUt since it was after we'd made out, it was a whole different ballgame - to him at least. When all i wanted to do is have things go back to normal and not have things be "weird" at work. he seems to be very non-confrontational, while i always like to have everything out in the open and talk things out. this is why i never get into fights with people : ) we always talk it out before it can even get there. got that from my dad. lol I can totally see that. I doubt he is a commitment-phobe. i mean, it's human nature to a point. I've even been guilty myself. Definitely a case of bad timing, i'll tell you that much.
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 As a woman who formerly dealt with a commitmentphobe I'm curious Die Hard, have you assessed WHY you are commitmentphobic? Or have you labelled yourself as such because in fact you just actually haven't met the right woman so far? My commitment-phobic now friend, then potential drove me up the wall. He then ended up in a LTR with this poor girl and I knew from the offset that he was going to break her heart and he did. Got her then did everything in his power to push her away, she clung on in there, he disappeared, came back, disappeared again, always with valid reasons, sick parents to be minded, career opportunities in another town, but the girlfriend was never invited or allowed to partake. She finally issued an ultimatum, either move in with me and commit damn you, or it's over. It's over. I feel sorry for the girl. But ultimately I actually feel more sorry for my friend because he will never ever be able to have a loving relationship with anyone ever. And I'm not sure what the fear is, of being tied down, trapped, this is forever, oh no! I think most men go through phases of this while entering into a relationship to some small degree but the benefits outweigh their fear of committing to one woman, so I'm curious as to why the benefits of an LTR are never seen, or appreciated and are always seen as something to be afraid of, suspicious of and to be avoided. If I knew the answers to your questions I wouldn't need to hang at the shack, now would I ?. I do not know why I do what I do. It comes down to feelings I get and I cannot easily express in words these feelings. Off the top of my head it is feeling like she is more in to me than I her and that by sitting pat I'm just getting in deeper rather than just chilling to see if my feelings develop. I usually flake out well before I can give it quality time to see how things continue to go. On top of this when you start flaking on a chick it confuses her and she will naturally start acting "off" and that will just re-enforce my CP behavior. I need to learn to chill without the feeling of getting in deeper every minute I chill. If this doesn't make sense don't worry it doesn't to me either and I have issues verbalizing it.
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 there is also a little part of me that wonders if it is all a lie? he is seeing someone else and doesnt have the heart to tell me? THAT would hurt. i dont see why he'd need to spare my feelings and hide that, esp since he flat out said he was trying to work things out with his ex.... i dont know. ive had situations like that, where they really just didnt like me and were seeing a totally new girl. i mean, i really should try to believe him...i just have trust issues
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Any of you ladies ready to date good ol Die Hard yet...? Something tells me my hook-up chances with any LSers just dropped by about...99.9 percent.
paddington bear Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 LR from what you initially wrote it does genuinely seem like ex issues. Technically, he is seeing someone else, his ex, ok she's his ex, but she's not ex'd in his head. could be that you see him with another girl in a month and then you'll get pissed, but could be that in a month that ex is out of his head and the timing was better. Right now I'm trying to not be in love with someone that I shouldn't be. It would really take someone to totally sweep me off my feet for me to have any enthusiasm about engaging in a relationship with someone, and even if they did sweep me off my feet, I'd be a bit wary, whereas when I'm back to my normal, happy self some guy I might reject now might actually be the right one for me. I just can't see it as my head is too involved with some other person, no matter what the label is the head is all consumed with dealing with someone else and that my dear is not your problem, it's his problem, doesn't mean you're not attractive enough or not good enough, it just means that it was bad timing, which is unfair and crappy, but leave the door open a chink and you never know, he might come fully through there when he's ready.
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 there is also a little part of me that wonders if it is all a lie? he is seeing someone else and doesnt have the heart to tell me? THAT would hurt. s I wouldn't tell you. I'd lie in real life. Partly because it would hurt you and partly because it would make ME feel bad. Ignoring you isn't right at all nor are my actions justified. At the end of the day it is selfishness...and a desire to take the easy way, or better yet, the path of least resistance that would cause this behavior in myself.
crrogers Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 sounds like you may have a problem with the alcohol...... Hey Everyone, First off, I feel it necessary to let on that I am not the relationship type. I've only been in one serious relationship and I am 27. It's not that I'm against them, it's just that I am VERY picky and am used to being alone, therefore I do not enter relationships out of neediness. I've been single way more than I have been involved. I have always been looking for the right guy, dont get me wrong. it's just not a priority for me. ok - hopefully that intro will weed out any "stop being so needy and be ok with yourself!" type posts LOL. : ) I never like guys first. They always chase the sh* out of me and I eventually give in. There was this guy at work. ( we didnt work together, just on the same floor- diff companies) He always seemed and looked a little young, so I never noticed him in that way. Boy, was he persistent though. He would find every reason to talk to me - about the dumbest things.....running into me in the hallway, the communal kitchen, etc.. At first it was funny because I thought he was like an annoying lttle boy following me around and my co-workers encouraged me to be more responsive to him. I had been pining over a guy with a girlfriend that led me on for almost a year, they wanted me to get over him and meet a guy who LIKED me! lol So they eventually made me realize he was a little bit adorable, so I stopped giving him one word responses and rolling my eyes behind his back and started talking to him. We realized we had a bit in common and he gave me his number one day when we realized we both had job interviews the next morning. (we both work freelance- always looking for the next gig) SO the next day i said what the hell, I need to start dating guys and stop pining over the old guy..So, i texted him and he suggested we meet for a drink at the bar his best friend works at. So we had drinks, I met his best friend, and we all had a blast. He didnt flirt too much, but was super friendly and ended up inviting himself out with me that weekend to a party I was going to. It was at a park- so anyone could really come. so i said yea, yu should both come! Im used to guys flaking on me so i figured he wasnt really coming. he kept being super friendly at work and coming around my desk a lot just to "say hi" he was child-like and adorable and i found myself becoming attracted to him. i was not used to guys being that attentive. (i tend to go after what i cannot have-lol) i started to get really excited and wondered why i hadnt given him a shot earlier. I was excited that he might just be a good one! fast fwd to that weekend, he called me ON THE DOT when he said he would and was so excited to come to the park. he showed up with his friend and meshed with my friends and we all had an amazing day- that lead to night.... mind you all the while, i am very nonchalant with guys, not clingy...dont call first, yadda yadda. not a game-player, just cautious and independent. anyway, that night we all got drunk and i think he knew i wanted to hook up with him. (i hadnt gotten any in awhile- i was horny! lol) so he had a sweet conversation with me (drunk - but not falling over, very sincere and honest) he said he had the worst week last week because he had just gotten dumped and seeing me at work has been the only thing that made him happy. i got freaked immediately and told him that he was probably on the rebound and he agreed, but said he didnt WANT me to be a rebound, so we should hold off getting physical because he said he gets attached easily. he said he didnt want to ruin things with me because i am the type he can "see himself with". now if i were sober i would have been more likely to respect that, considering i always like to drag my heels when starting a relationship. BUT i was horny as hell and acted annoyed that we couldnt at least make out. i acted * * * * ty and immature and he tried to resist, saying it wasnt a good idea since he was fresh out of a relationship. he wanted to spend more time with me. i guess i was pretty persistent and horny because he ended up giving in, pulling me behind a staircase and making out with me like crazy! - whispering things like "youre so perfect....and youre not just hot, i can talk to you...youre exactly what ive been looking for" and im just acting all ok ok shut up lets just make out. he was distant at work that week, so one day i popped by his desk after hours when everyone was gone and cheerily said hi and apologized if i gave him the wrong impression- that i get like that when drunk and id like to spend more time with him, like he wanted. Well, he went completely cold on me, acting awkward as hell and saying "its fine. its fine seriously" like he was super nervous and embarrassed. so i felt like that sealed the deal and i figured my approach freaked him out. I decided that was it, and i backed off. whatever. So the next day i avoided him at work and had no contact with him. the day after, i get an email from him asking me if im at work, and that he hasnt seen me. i had left early that day so i got the email at home that night and didnt respond. so the day after that, he came looking for me at my desk and was like HEY! where have u been? i explained that i had been busy and left early the day before and i acted cool and happy. We then went back to normal for the rest of that week. i had a dinner party at my house that weekend and he came, and even made food to bring. he brought some of his friends and once again we had a fun saturday. he spent the night, and nothing happened. slept next to each other but no touching or cuddling. totally platonic all week. and i didnt press him for info as i knew what he was going through. We spent the morning just talking and joking in my bed,and eventually left because he had to do some stuff at work on sunday. (all true) once again, i made no advances, remained cool and platonic. the next week he was even MORE distant. i came around his desk a couple of times, asking if he wanted to grab some food, etc...i didnt see this as chasing at all, but im sure he knew i was interested. i didnt smother him, just popped by his desk once that week, and sent a funny email once as well. i had to initiate everything, but when i did, he was very responsive. we did not see each other that next weekend. i didnt ask him, nor did he ask me, we just didnt speak that weekend. i sent him a text that sunday night though, asking if he were going to a concert that a bunch of people we knew were going to. and i knew he was going, and a week ago he asked if i was and i said i didnt know....so i texted asking if he would be there, as i was gonna head over with some friends. NO ANSWER. that week at work, i didnt see him til WED. and it was because i went by his desk and said HEY! (totally like friends and like i was happy as hell- didnt mention the wknd or anything) and he acted SO HAPPY to see me. he even mentioned how he had the worst weekend full of "drama with the ex". he thanked me for coming by to say hi, saying that it cheered him up. we talked and laughed for a bit and then i left. both of our jobs ended that week and neither of us had new gigs lined up. i figured we had plenty of time to hang out....we even had plans to see a concert that was a week away. i wasnt worried. i knew this type of guy. he just needed time, and i was FINE with that, i preferred it. so i didnt talk to him allllll that next week. nothing. no contact. i was a liiiiiitle concerned and disappointed that he didnt contact me though. whatever. we had plans the following week. i chilled. the day of the concert came, and he remembered. calling me that day to decided where we would meet. i didnt act annoyed that i hadnt heard from him all well. i just acted really excited about the concert and chipper and breezy. lol. the concert was amazing. we had a BLAST. i flirted a little but he kept it platonic. of course i had to go and ruin it. but id been patient for 2 weeks and i got drunk and horny again lol. he walked me back to the subway and i asked if i could kiss him. i leaned on him coyly and he SAID NO AND PULLED AWAY! i was so embarrassed but instead of respecting it i had to try to overcome the humiliation by talking and talking and not shutting up. i didnt get all "psycho * * * * * " but i was confused. he kept saying it wasnt a good idea and that he was still "going through some stuff" and i said. "are you seeing someone?" and he said "no im not seeing anyone. seriously" and i asked if it was about his ex and he said yes. i should have believed him! but no. i acted like i couldnt understand why he wouldnt kiss me if he liked me and was attracted. i knew i was making it worse. he flat out even told me "no im not interested, i guess you can look at it like that. im not interested in you right now" and i guess i had my arm around him all persistent and drunk because he said "this is really hard for me" and said he had to go and that he was sorry and we would still talk and hang out. so i went home and called him and left a vm apologizing for acting drunk again. and that i respected him and that he was doing the right think. "im sorry and hope we can continue being friends" He knew i wasnt trying to be his gf or anything, i just wanted to fool around! ( i think he knew that - i was pretty damn independent and cool the whole time) anyway. no answer so i waited 2 days and texted him asking if the offer still stood for him to help me go bike shopping. no answer. then later that day i sent an email - only a few sentences. apologizing again, and explaining that i tend to get horny when im drunk and i really did not want to pressure him and wanted things to go back to normal- being just FRIENDS. yes, i would date him, but im also still detached enough, feeling-wise to be his friend. the email was very light and i even cracked a few jokes he and i had shared before. ending it with, hope to hear from you...or something like that. and a smile. NO RESPONSE. this was now 2 weeks ago. i, of course, stopped after that because i think, if that night didnt scare him away. the 2 calls, and an email in a matter of 2 days definitely scared him. though that wasnt my intention! i just dont like to be ignored- and took that as though i annoyed him. i dont blame him. ugh. is there hope? i pretty much refuse to contact him. he hasnt blocked me on any chat applications- which surprises me. i would think if he wanted to cut me off, he would block me. should i break the ice? its gonna be hard. i have to have SOME dignity! Did i scare him away or would it not have mattered if i had said nothing, being that he was not ready anyway? SORRY THIS POST WAS LONG AS HELL! LOL I appreciate anyone who has the patience to read through it all!!! : )
paddington bear Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Any of you ladies ready to date good ol Die Hard yet...? Something tells me my hook-up chances with any LSers just dropped by about...99.9 percent. I read a book written by a man about commitment phobic men...and basically the whole premise of this self-help book was that women were too needy, demanded too much, that small throwaway comments made men think that we would never be satisfied e.g. man and woman on a date, he's picked a restaurant. Date is going well, good conversation, flirting etc. Women says 'hmm they overcooked the steak, I'm going to send it back'. Man takes this personally 'huh! I'm NEVER going to be able to please this woman' and thus starts the decline of the relationship. So men being commitment phobic was actually the fault of the women, if we'd just play it a little cooler then all would be ok. However, this whole take on the commitment phobic thing kind of annoyed me, as yet again, along with the Rules and He's Just not that into you, and why men like bitches and on and on and on, every self help book tells women to change their behaviour in order to 'secure' a man. It's rare that one says 'this man's not for having, he's not even aware why he's doing what he's doing, just abandon ship, you are perfect as you are, it's his problem'. We always seem to be the ones expected to fix ourselves in order to fit in with how men see relationships. I always think of it like some nature documentary. The guy is like this little deer and the woman is like a lioness having to use stealth and camouflage in order to get the prey when it would be nice if the male lion and the lady lion just got it on without all the crap of working out the why's and you should act like this and that. Obviously most self-help books particularly about relationships are bought by women, so that makes sense that we are told it's our problem, as I guess we can only change ourselves, but your post has got me thinking about how some men just aren't for having no matter how much effort you put in, how you try to communicate in a way a man would respond to and how many games you play.
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 could be that you see him with another girl in a month and then you'll get pissed, but could be that in a month that ex is out of his head and the timing was better. Right now I'm trying to not be in love with someone that I shouldn't be. It would really take someone to totally sweep me off my feet for me to have any enthusiasm about engaging in a relationship with someone, and even if they did sweep me off my feet, I'd be a bit wary, whereas when I'm back to my normal, happy self some guy I might reject now might actually be the right one for me. I just can't see it as my head is too involved with some other person, no matter what the label is the head is all consumed with dealing with someone else and that my dear is not your problem, it's his problem, doesn't mean you're not attractive enough or not good enough, it just means that it was bad timing, which is unfair and crappy, but leave the door open a chink and you never know, he might come fully through there when he's ready. Paddington, I know this. I dread this. It's what always happens! lol That's why I'm so worried that I lost any chance of him coming back around when he's ready... If I had said "ok i understand....you have stuff to deal with ..but i like you and hope we can stay in touch" and left it at that...I feel like he's hold me in high esteem and come around. OR HE MIGHT NOT. That's the thing. Did my actions really even matter. Now I feel like I screwed it up for good. However. It's never too late to leave it alone. and i have for over 2 weeks now! GO ME! I'm hoping this helps me re-gain my independent "shes really cool and doesnt need me" status. It's definitely better than still trying to contact him. You cant screw it up more by doing nothing!
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 sounds like you may have a problem with the alcohol...... lol. yes, it does seem that way. keep in mind i was completely sober the night he stayed in my bed and took care of his drunk ass! and he was drunker than i was the first time we hung out. he was even drunk on the last night! he might not remember any of it! lol i can only hope. yea. getting drunk twice in the span of one month constitutes a major problem! lol GET ME TO REHAB, QUICK.
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