lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Hey Everyone, First off, I feel it necessary to let on that I am not the relationship type. I've only been in one serious relationship and I am 27. It's not that I'm against them, it's just that I am VERY picky and am used to being alone, therefore I do not enter relationships out of neediness. I've been single way more than I have been involved. I have always been looking for the right guy, dont get me wrong. it's just not a priority for me. ok - hopefully that intro will weed out any "stop being so needy and be ok with yourself!" type posts LOL. : ) I never like guys first. They always chase the sh* out of me and I eventually give in. There was this guy at work. ( we didnt work together, just on the same floor- diff companies) He always seemed and looked a little young, so I never noticed him in that way. Boy, was he persistent though. He would find every reason to talk to me - about the dumbest things.....running into me in the hallway, the communal kitchen, etc.. At first it was funny because I thought he was like an annoying lttle boy following me around and my co-workers encouraged me to be more responsive to him. I had been pining over a guy with a girlfriend that led me on for almost a year, they wanted me to get over him and meet a guy who LIKED me! lol So they eventually made me realize he was a little bit adorable, so I stopped giving him one word responses and rolling my eyes behind his back and started talking to him. We realized we had a bit in common and he gave me his number one day when we realized we both had job interviews the next morning. (we both work freelance- always looking for the next gig) SO the next day i said what the hell, I need to start dating guys and stop pining over the old guy..So, i texted him and he suggested we meet for a drink at the bar his best friend works at. So we had drinks, I met his best friend, and we all had a blast. He didnt flirt too much, but was super friendly and ended up inviting himself out with me that weekend to a party I was going to. It was at a park- so anyone could really come. so i said yea, yu should both come! Im used to guys flaking on me so i figured he wasnt really coming. he kept being super friendly at work and coming around my desk a lot just to "say hi" he was child-like and adorable and i found myself becoming attracted to him. i was not used to guys being that attentive. (i tend to go after what i cannot have-lol) i started to get really excited and wondered why i hadnt given him a shot earlier. I was excited that he might just be a good one! fast fwd to that weekend, he called me ON THE DOT when he said he would and was so excited to come to the park. he showed up with his friend and meshed with my friends and we all had an amazing day- that lead to night.... mind you all the while, i am very nonchalant with guys, not clingy...dont call first, yadda yadda. not a game-player, just cautious and independent. anyway, that night we all got drunk and i think he knew i wanted to hook up with him. (i hadnt gotten any in awhile- i was horny! lol) so he had a sweet conversation with me (drunk - but not falling over, very sincere and honest) he said he had the worst week last week because he had just gotten dumped and seeing me at work has been the only thing that made him happy. i got freaked immediately and told him that he was probably on the rebound and he agreed, but said he didnt WANT me to be a rebound, so we should hold off getting physical because he said he gets attached easily. he said he didnt want to ruin things with me because i am the type he can "see himself with". now if i were sober i would have been more likely to respect that, considering i always like to drag my heels when starting a relationship. BUT i was horny as hell and acted annoyed that we couldnt at least make out. i acted * * * * ty and immature and he tried to resist, saying it wasnt a good idea since he was fresh out of a relationship. he wanted to spend more time with me. i guess i was pretty persistent and horny because he ended up giving in, pulling me behind a staircase and making out with me like crazy! - whispering things like "youre so perfect....and youre not just hot, i can talk to you...youre exactly what ive been looking for" and im just acting all ok ok shut up lets just make out. he was distant at work that week, so one day i popped by his desk after hours when everyone was gone and cheerily said hi and apologized if i gave him the wrong impression- that i get like that when drunk and id like to spend more time with him, like he wanted. Well, he went completely cold on me, acting awkward as hell and saying "its fine. its fine seriously" like he was super nervous and embarrassed. so i felt like that sealed the deal and i figured my approach freaked him out. I decided that was it, and i backed off. whatever. So the next day i avoided him at work and had no contact with him. the day after, i get an email from him asking me if im at work, and that he hasnt seen me. i had left early that day so i got the email at home that night and didnt respond. so the day after that, he came looking for me at my desk and was like HEY! where have u been? i explained that i had been busy and left early the day before and i acted cool and happy. We then went back to normal for the rest of that week. i had a dinner party at my house that weekend and he came, and even made food to bring. he brought some of his friends and once again we had a fun saturday. he spent the night, and nothing happened. slept next to each other but no touching or cuddling. totally platonic all week. and i didnt press him for info as i knew what he was going through. We spent the morning just talking and joking in my bed,and eventually left because he had to do some stuff at work on sunday. (all true) once again, i made no advances, remained cool and platonic. the next week he was even MORE distant. i came around his desk a couple of times, asking if he wanted to grab some food, etc...i didnt see this as chasing at all, but im sure he knew i was interested. i didnt smother him, just popped by his desk once that week, and sent a funny email once as well. i had to initiate everything, but when i did, he was very responsive. we did not see each other that next weekend. i didnt ask him, nor did he ask me, we just didnt speak that weekend. i sent him a text that sunday night though, asking if he were going to a concert that a bunch of people we knew were going to. and i knew he was going, and a week ago he asked if i was and i said i didnt know....so i texted asking if he would be there, as i was gonna head over with some friends. NO ANSWER. that week at work, i didnt see him til WED. and it was because i went by his desk and said HEY! (totally like friends and like i was happy as hell- didnt mention the wknd or anything) and he acted SO HAPPY to see me. he even mentioned how he had the worst weekend full of "drama with the ex". he thanked me for coming by to say hi, saying that it cheered him up. we talked and laughed for a bit and then i left. both of our jobs ended that week and neither of us had new gigs lined up. i figured we had plenty of time to hang out....we even had plans to see a concert that was a week away. i wasnt worried. i knew this type of guy. he just needed time, and i was FINE with that, i preferred it. so i didnt talk to him allllll that next week. nothing. no contact. i was a liiiiiitle concerned and disappointed that he didnt contact me though. whatever. we had plans the following week. i chilled. the day of the concert came, and he remembered. calling me that day to decided where we would meet. i didnt act annoyed that i hadnt heard from him all well. i just acted really excited about the concert and chipper and breezy. lol. the concert was amazing. we had a BLAST. i flirted a little but he kept it platonic. of course i had to go and ruin it. but id been patient for 2 weeks and i got drunk and horny again lol. he walked me back to the subway and i asked if i could kiss him. i leaned on him coyly and he SAID NO AND PULLED AWAY! i was so embarrassed but instead of respecting it i had to try to overcome the humiliation by talking and talking and not shutting up. i didnt get all "psycho * * * * * " but i was confused. he kept saying it wasnt a good idea and that he was still "going through some stuff" and i said. "are you seeing someone?" and he said "no im not seeing anyone. seriously" and i asked if it was about his ex and he said yes. i should have believed him! but no. i acted like i couldnt understand why he wouldnt kiss me if he liked me and was attracted. i knew i was making it worse. he flat out even told me "no im not interested, i guess you can look at it like that. im not interested in you right now" and i guess i had my arm around him all persistent and drunk because he said "this is really hard for me" and said he had to go and that he was sorry and we would still talk and hang out. so i went home and called him and left a vm apologizing for acting drunk again. and that i respected him and that he was doing the right think. "im sorry and hope we can continue being friends" He knew i wasnt trying to be his gf or anything, i just wanted to fool around! ( i think he knew that - i was pretty damn independent and cool the whole time) anyway. no answer so i waited 2 days and texted him asking if the offer still stood for him to help me go bike shopping. no answer. then later that day i sent an email - only a few sentences. apologizing again, and explaining that i tend to get horny when im drunk and i really did not want to pressure him and wanted things to go back to normal- being just FRIENDS. yes, i would date him, but im also still detached enough, feeling-wise to be his friend. the email was very light and i even cracked a few jokes he and i had shared before. ending it with, hope to hear from you...or something like that. and a smile. NO RESPONSE. this was now 2 weeks ago. i, of course, stopped after that because i think, if that night didnt scare him away. the 2 calls, and an email in a matter of 2 days definitely scared him. though that wasnt my intention! i just dont like to be ignored- and took that as though i annoyed him. i dont blame him. ugh. is there hope? i pretty much refuse to contact him. he hasnt blocked me on any chat applications- which surprises me. i would think if he wanted to cut me off, he would block me. should i break the ice? its gonna be hard. i have to have SOME dignity! Did i scare him away or would it not have mattered if i had said nothing, being that he was not ready anyway? SORRY THIS POST WAS LONG AS HELL! LOL I appreciate anyone who has the patience to read through it all!!! : )
Jilly Bean Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 No way could I get through the entire thing, but in reading the last few paragraphs, I would say yes, you have scared him off. Leave this boy alone before he gets a restraining order. Everything you have done was totally nuts.
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 hahaha well if you only read the end, then yea it looks like i'm insane. lol but that phone call i made to him was literally the first and only time i ever called him. and it was just to apologize. Just as a request, anyone, please dont respond unless you read the entire post. i dont expect you to, but its very hard to get the whole story from just the end. thanks! : )
Kamille Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I read the first few paragraphs and skidded over the rest... Has it ever occured to you that maybe this guy doesn't want to be treated like a booty call? You seem so invested in playing things "cool" that you make it impossible for a guy to actually take you seriously. So tell me, what were you expecting out of this guy? A random hook up? Then he told you that's not what he wanted. Dates potentially leading to a relationship? Then you should have acted in consequence, not using the "I'm drunk and horny" bs to try and lure him in. Words to the wise: know what you want and act accordingly.
missmich Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Maybe you shouldn't drink around him if you know how it makes you feel and act.
lora22 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Sorry, I only skimmed over it also, but I saw words like "he kept it platonic" "he was distant" he was even MORE distant" and so on. Jilly Bean's post made me read in full the last few paragraphs....and it def. does sound like you scared him off. Either way though, does it really matter? Even if you didn't scare him off and he's "just not ready" (I don't really buy into that as a general thing though), there's not much you can do about it. Either you scared him off, so you shouldn't go after him. Or he "isn't ready," so you shouldn't go after him.
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 No way could I get through the entire thing, but in reading the last few paragraphs, I would say yes, you have scared him off. Leave this boy alone before he gets a restraining order. Everything you have done was totally nuts. Just ignore the post I just quoted. It was posted in obvious ignorance since the poster didn't even read the thread. You've done NOTHING nus or deserving of a restraining order. Now, it seems to me you acted 100 percent appropriately in response to his initial interest in you. My opinion is that he is not over his ex and is simply having a hard time dealing with moving on and dating other women while at the same time missing his ex and maybe even having feelings of guilt when he kisses you. From what you have posted, its nothing you did. He just has ex issues and imo you should just move on.
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I meant "isnt ready" as in he is still trying to get back with his ex, which is what he told me. not in the bs way. as far as the booty call, he definitely knows I didnt want just a booty call. In fact, the night he spent the night in my bed, he was very very drunk and put his hand on my leg right before we fell asleep, and i laughed and pushed his hand away in a "hey, watch it buddy!" way - reminding him of how he said he wanted to hold off on the physical stuff. he laughed too and then we fell asleep. I'm pretty sure he knows I didnt just want a booty call. Especially since I only hit on him once. lol. This is why it's imperative you read the whole post. maybe i should have shortened it a bit....
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Thanks Die Hard. it's a little tough to move on....we are up for the same job now and theres also a small chance we will BOTH get hired and work together.... he also hasnt blocked me on aim or gchat (im surprised- I would have blocked me lol) that leads me to believe he doesnt have that "god i never want to talk to this girl again" approach to it and just needs to chill. i wish we could start over as friends.....and i hope he does contact me eventually. we were great friends and we BOTH were guilty of hitting on each other when drunk!
Kamille Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I meant "isnt ready" as in he is still trying to get back with his ex, which is what he told me. not in the bs way. as far as the booty call, he definitely knows I didnt want just a booty call. In fact, the night he spent the night in my bed, he was very very drunk and put his hand on my leg right before we fell asleep, and i laughed and pushed his hand away in a "hey, watch it buddy!" way - reminding him of how he said he wanted to hold off on the physical stuff. he laughed too and then we fell asleep. I'm pretty sure he knows I didnt just want a booty call. Especially since I only hit on him once. lol. This is why it's imperative you read the whole post. maybe i should have shortened it a bit.... I did read the whole post. You pretexted being "drunk and horny" twice to hit on him, and even told him so the second time. I'm not a guy, but if I were a guy looking for something meaningful with someone, this wouldn't sit well by me.
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I meant "isnt ready" as in he is still trying to get back with his ex, which is what he told me. not in the bs way. as far as the booty call, he definitely knows I didnt want just a booty call. In fact, the night he spent the night in my bed, he was very very drunk and put his hand on my leg right before we fell asleep, and i laughed and pushed his hand away in a "hey, watch it buddy!" way - reminding him of how he said he wanted to hold off on the physical stuff. he laughed too and then we fell asleep. I'm pretty sure he knows I didnt just want a booty call. Especially since I only hit on him once. lol. This is why it's imperative you read the whole post. maybe i should have shortened it a bit.... Again don't worry it is NOTHING you did! He just has ex issues. If he had been truly emotionally available the kissing and mugging would not have been a problem. He's having guilt and regrets about the ex. Again, it is nothing you did. He was simply exploring what life is going to be like without his ex and that process takes time. Having a few experiences like this is normal in his situation and you just happened to be one of the experiences. He'll either get back with his ex or eventually move on, but like I said, if I were you it would be better to just forget about him. You did nothing wrong!
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I did read the whole post. You pretexted being "drunk and horny" twice to hit on him, and even told him so the second time. I'm not a guy, but if I were a guy looking for something meaningful with someone, this wouldn't sit well by me. yes, i was drunk and horny the first time we hung out, but he was the one who hit on me and pulled me behind the staircase and kissed me. i just expressed that i was attracted to him. i was not hanging all over him. im not that kind of girl. im very reserved. and on the last night we hung out, we had a blast....and i really thought he was feeling it so i tried to kiss him. big deal. i'm not worried that the "physical" hitting on him scared him away. in fact, i am positive it didnt. there was a lot more going on there. look, im not on here to fight, i just need some good advice and viewpoints. thanks.
Kamille Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Thanks Die Hard. it's a little tough to move on....we are up for the same job now and theres also a small chance we will BOTH get hired and work together.... he also hasnt blocked me on aim or gchat (im surprised- I would have blocked me lol) that leads me to believe he doesnt have that "god i never want to talk to this girl again" approach to it and just needs to chill. i wish we could start over as friends.....and i hope he does contact me eventually. we were great friends and we BOTH were guilty of hitting on each other when drunk! He hasn't blocked you or deleted you because he has made up his mind about you: no he isn't interested. Yes, you likely could end up being friends, just make sure you don't expect anything more from him. All I'm saying in regards to you "playing it cool" is this: I used to be the queen of "playing it cool", thinking guys liked girls who were distant and didn't care and knew how to have a good time. I learned the hard way that the guys who fell for my act were actually generally commitmentphobes. Good guys, with a head on their shoulder, would actually lose interest. One day, when I was complaining about another guy bailing on me even though I didn't want something serious and had put no pressure on the guy, a friend confronted me: "So if you didn't want anything from the guy, why are you upset now?" She went on to say pretty much what I have told you. If you want a relationship with a guy, act accordingly.
Kamille Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 look, im not on here to fight, i just need some good advice and viewpoints. thanks. I am not figthing and I am sorry you feel you have to defend yourself. I feel that I am giving you advice, and good advice at that. I understand if you're not ready to receive it.
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Again don't worry it is NOTHING you did! He just has ex issues. If he had been truly emotionally available the kissing and mugging would not have been a problem. He's having guilt and regrets about the ex. Again, it is nothing you did. He was simply exploring what life is going to be like without his ex and that process takes time. Having a few experiences like this is normal in his situation and you just happened to be one of the experiences. He'll either get back with his ex or eventually move on, but like I said, if I were you it would be better to just forget about him. You did nothing wrong! Well, if i didnt do anything wrong, why did he ignore my apologies? was he totally freaked or does he just not know what to say? I know the call and email and text were a little overkill but I hope he understands where I'm coming from.....and also, like i mentioned before. that was the first time i ever called him! lol So I know i didnt chase him at all before that last night. I guess the only "chasing" I dd was after the fact, and it was just to set things straight and apologize, not to get with him.
lora22 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I meant "isnt ready" as in he is still trying to get back with his ex, which is what he told me. not in the bs way. Ah, gotcha! Well, I still think that it doesn't matter, cuz either you scared him away, or he's not over his ex/trying to get back with her. But I mean, honestly otherwise it sounds like maybe it's a combination of the two: he's not over his ex/wants her back, and your obvious drunken interest scared him away - you know, once it wasn't just flirting anymore. I also think that it was a terrible idea to keep contacting him after you left him that first "sorry" voicemail and he ignored you. That would scare me off, regardless of I was over my ex or not. Not trying to be mean, but I guess that's how I see it
Chocolat Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I read the whole thing. Ouch. If the first incident didn't teach you that you shouldn't drink, the second one should have. And yes, I find the second episode a little nuts. Hey, if a guy refused to take no from a girl who was saying what this guy was saying, everyone here would be on him like white on rice.
carhill Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I'm not a guy, but if I were a guy looking for something meaningful with someone, this wouldn't sit well by me. Yep, "meaningful" being the operative word. TBH, I never believe anything a woman says or does when drinking or drunk. Too much pain under that bridge. Also, marked differences by either gender in the their sober and drinking personalities indicates to me that there are emotional issues at work. Some LS'ers opine "unstable" but I think that's a bit harsh. IMO, OP, leave this guy to work through his feelings regarding his ex and resolve to only flirt when sober
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I am not figthing and I am sorry you feel you have to defend yourself. I feel that I am giving you advice, and good advice at that. I understand if you're not ready to receive it. No, i understand. I just feel that you got a totally different impression of what happened from my post. Like i said, I should have shortened it and I perhaps made it seem like I was just trying to use him for sex. I can see how one could see it that way. But I assure you, promiscuity was not an issue in our situation.
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 yes, i was drunk and horny the first time we hung out, but he was the one who hit on me and pulled me behind the staircase and kissed me. i just expressed that i was attracted to him. i was not hanging all over him. im not that kind of girl. im very reserved. and on the last night we hung out, we had a blast....and i really thought he was feeling it so i tried to kiss him. big deal. i'm not worried that the "physical" hitting on him scared him away. in fact, i am positive it didnt. there was a lot more going on there. look, im not on here to fight, i just need some good advice and viewpoints. thanks. Quit trying to justify yourself to folks that want to blame you. They're wrong. You did nothing wrong. I'm a guy and I know exactly what was going in his head. I've been there. He's hung up on an ex and that is why these issues happened. You can always stay friends...who knows what can happen, but my advice is to drop all actions that might be seen as you still having interest in him. If he starts to come on to you again though put a stop to it until you trust that he is past his ex for good AND that he isn't one of those guys who only wants what he can't have.
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Well, if i didnt do anything wrong, why did he ignore my apologies? was he totally freaked or does he just not know what to say? I know the call and email and text were a little overkill but I hope he understands where I'm coming from.....and also, like i mentioned before. that was the first time i ever called him! lol So I know i didnt chase him at all before that last night. I guess the only "chasing" I dd was after the fact, and it was just to set things straight and apologize, not to get with him. It could be any number of reasons not the least of which is that he's confused and doesn't know how to explain his behavior. I've done the exact same thing to women. In fact I did it fairly recently and now she won't talk to me. This is not to excuse his ignoring you but some men find this the easy way out and take it rather than trying to explain behavior that makes no sense, even to himself.
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I also think that it was a terrible idea to keep contacting him after you left him that first "sorry" voicemail and he ignored you. That would scare me off, regardless of I was over my ex or not. Not trying to be mean, but I guess that's how I see it Thanks! This is exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. I think I need to re-word this post, as everyone is fixating on the sexual part! lol Jeez people! Anytime I was drunk, he was ALSO drunk. The only time I tried to initiate anything physical was once...on that last night. And all I said was "I'd really love to kiss you" and leaned into him..and he backed away...and i got confused and asked him what was going on. There. I guess less is more. lol
Author lolarose Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Quit trying to justify yourself to folks that want to blame you. They're wrong. You did nothing wrong. I'm a guy and I know exactly what was going in his head. I've been there. He's hung up on an ex and that is why these issues happened. You can always stay friends...who knows what can happen, but my advice is to drop all actions that might be seen as you still having interest in him. If he starts to come on to you again though put a stop to it until you trust that he is past his ex for good AND that he isn't one of those guys who only wants what he can't have. I think he definitely did like the thrill of the chase. Although I never did give in and tell him how I felt about him. I just showed general platonic fondness. : ) (except for that last night lol) and yes, I am NOT contacting him. it's been 2 weeks. I feel like its not too late to regain my dignity! lol I am way too embarrassed to be the one to contact him. hell no! Glad to hear advice from a guy who's actually done this to a girl. I'd love to hear more about your relative experience(s)
Die Hard Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Thanks! This is exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. I think I need to re-word this post, as everyone is fixating on the sexual part! lol Jeez people! Anytime I was drunk, he was ALSO drunk. The only time I tried to initiate anything physical was once...on that last night. And all I said was "I'd really love to kiss you" and leaned into him..and he backed away...and i got confused and asked him what was going on. There. I guess less is more. lol This will be my last post but I'd just like to emphasize again that you did nothing wrong. Folks can nitpick ANYTHING when it comes to individual actions taken in these situations, but at the end of the day, NOTHING you did would chase a truly interested AND available man away. This man is interested but he is not emotionally available. STOP entertaining the idea you did anything wrong! All just my opinion of course but I do highly value my opinion.
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