sailing Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 It’s long – but it is my first thread. First of all, there is no dating culture in the North American sense in my neck of the woods. Online dating isn’t my cup of tea either, so even in my thirties, I'm left to being hijacked by attraction in my social life, which makes it even more difficult to detect someone’s intentions. I was quite happily pootling along, having recovered from being dumped by my previous, unavailable, boyfriend, learnt a lot in the process and started a new life, still a little wary of relationships. When I found myself getting the butterflies over a friend of friends, it was great at first: you walk in somewhere and he’s there, and the evening just got much more interesting. I didn’t even think it would go further than a girly crush, as I was getting clear signals that he, too, was unavailable in some sense. I have textbook abandoment issues: my, up until then, loving father left my mother and us for another woman when I was in between childhood and puberty. I buried my feelings and didn’t meet with him for 18 years. Much as I have learned to recognise the signals and the triggers that make me re-enact this pattern - and realise how destructive and pointless it is, I can’t help being drawn to the same type of man. They aren’t even players or clear cut bastards, but guys I share interests and a sense of humour with; intelligent and sensitive enough to understand that they hurt me, but no doubt confused by my conflicting messages and probably unaware of the abandoning role my subconscious has casted them in from the start. Sorry, I ramble. Well, a mutual attraction was building nevertheless, and one late night we ended up in bed. From then on it developed into a semi-secret but very sweet friends with benefits arrangement. Not surprisingly, he told me that he hadn’t had a long term relationship for several years, and I second-guessed that he wasn’t interested in one with me. When I still had my wits about me, I actually put an end to it, but it was too difficult to stay away from him when we were in the heady days of initial hormones. A couple of months in, I’m hooked. The other day, I met for coffee with a mutual friend and she, discretely, mentioned that he was “probably in love” with a girl he refers to as his friend, and that he “really wants a girlfriend” and there was the familiar corkscrew through the heart again. I had just about rationalised the FWB thing, after all there is mutal respect and I have a good gut feeling about it being - at the very least - a way for me to clear the cobwebs of my previous relationship. I was fairly certain that, once I’d built the strength, we could go back to being just friends. I hadn’t counted on the feelings of hurt, rejection and jealousy to enter the stage though. Should I put my trust in him or our friend? My instinct is to slink away into the shadows, never see him again, and bottle up my feelings, but no contact is impossible due to our circle of friends. How can I get out of this and deal with it in a better way than that of my 12 year-old self? Any advice or similar experiences?
paddington bear Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 This is a bit of a horrible situation for you. I guess all you can do is either go cold NC and when you do see him tell him sweetly that the FWB thing isn't working for you, but you hope that you can still be on friendly terms when in social situations with your peers. And stick to the NC thing - this is very hard when you see the person a lot and those feelings get dredged back up to the surface over and over, and when you're not in a position to be going on lots of dates - I'm more or less in the same position myself, you invest too much in someone because you like them, and even if you know it's going nowhere it seems better than nothing, because as you've said where you live is not somewhere where you'd be snowed under with dates or potential dates. So, anyway, either that, or simply weigh up whether you'd be willing to get your pride dented and tell him that you've developed feelings for him, that someone mentioned he was possibly in love with someone else and is that the case. That you need to know because it will make it easier for you to draw a line under him if you are actually verbally told that his heart is elsewhere. Thing is, I'm really bad at doing the second suggestion, either up front from the beginning (abandonment issues too) so I'm too afraid to say 'I like you, I have feelings for you' or anything like that, and wait and hope for them to give me signs that they like me and so nothing's ever said, nothing's ever clear and the longer I don't say anything, the harder it gets But I'm finding that this attitude of mine, the not being straight up and being vulnerable and admitting my feelings is what gets me into trouble. You end up getting into vague situations where you never know where you stand and end up hoping, when if I'd just swallowed my pride in the first place and simply risked the rejection and asked the guy if he wanted me, straight up, then I could have avoided getting strung along or me hoping against hope for months at a time only to eventually hear the reply that I would have gotten at the beginning if I just hadn't been too chickens*** to ask in the first place. Hope this rambling reply helps somewhat.
prettybaby Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I don't know if I'm getting this right: - you fell for a guy - you two have sex - he somehow told a friend of yours that he's falling for a friend of his (probably you?) - you like him but want out .... why? You two like each other and you're already intimate. The guy is looking for a stable relationship. So why are you trying to dump him? Please tell me if I completely misunderstood the whole story. Because I'm not sure I got it right.
Author sailing Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Thank you for your replies - it really helps to hear from an outsider what I can't seem to tell myself. Prettybaby, sorry if I was unclear - the potential love interest isn't me, and the quotes are our mutual friend's take on the situation. She knows about the FWB but she doesn't ask, out of tact I think, and I haven't discussed it as it's a difficult subject, the sheer vulnerability. I suppose I'm clinging to the hope that what she meant was "I think you should know, and maybe make your intentions clear". Paddington bear, thanks for the sympathy, you've nailed it. The thought of stating my feelings fills me with absolute dread. Part of me doesn't even want to hear the answer, but would rather put off the "here we go again" of rejection for as long as possible. Saving face by simply ending it with a white lie is soo tempting, but what if I'm actually sabotaging something? When I tried to end it before he wasn't having it and if he is in love with someone but not sure where he stands, he would take something instead of nothing too, and it would be so easy to fall back again avoiding the questions. More importantly though, if I take the easy way out, I'm not being honest, and I have to learn to be verbalise my feelings, not only in writing.
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