screwedup®retful Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Some of you may have read my previous posts, but I'm a guy who screwed up and broke up with my GF. It was not for anyone else and I was absolutely totally into her and loved her deeply, but I had some unfinished business (in the realm of healing) that lingered from my past. I broke up with her very abruptly and thought I was doing it FOR her but only shortly afterwards realized that I should have just laid it out there and told her what I had been struggling with...but I didn't. Anyway, I tried for a month to be in contact with her. We rarely spoke, but we traded a few voicemessage in that first month and she was adamant about me not being in contact with her. After a month of my trying to have a chance to explain, she took a very firm stand and insisted that I not have any contact of any variety with her. That was at the beginning of Feb. We were supposed to go to a family member's wedding together on Valentine's day and, of course, we did not go together, but she went with her sister and I was told that she was wearing a beautiful necklace that I had only just before our breakup had bought her (and the necklace was a very sentimental discussion topic for us leading up to the whole choosing of the necklace and talking about all that it represented, etc.) This wearing of the necklace was just one week after she insisted that I have no more attempts to contact her (btw, I was not doing what some folks have talked about doing just after a break-up like calling 20X a day and begging, etc. I tried about 8 times in various ways, i.e. letter, phone call, stopped at the house, sent flowers) over a 6 week period of time. So, the other day I ran into a mutual friend that I hadn't seen since the breakup. She mentions that my xgf has kind of disappeared and isn't around much. This mutual friend and she used to be very close and hung out and talked ALOT just after our breakup, but not so in the last 2 or 3 months. She did say that my xgf spent the first month in total dismay over our split, calling and crying to her all of the time, etc. and that she was really, really broken up over our split. Now, my question is, she has obviously gone into the NC thing herself when it comes to me. I had tried to reach out to her in order to let her know I screwed up, but she didn't want to speak to me and insisted on NC. Our split was in December, I tried to get in touch with her throughout January and into the 1st week of Febuary and then tried one last time the 1st week of April, but she has not been in contact with me at all, in any way shape or form. My question is, how does the REVERSE of NC work. She has obviously decided to go a route for herself that is preventing any sort of reconciling from happening and she has totally turned things around. I know I screwed up and want to make it up to her, but I have no way of getting her to speak to me, to listen to me, to hear my apology and to let her know how much I miss her and want her in my life. I'm afraid I let the one get away and I did it through my initiating of the breakup...what a dumb@$$ am I!!!! Any advice? Any thoughts on whether or not the wearing of the necklace after she insisted I not contact her be a sign of hope or just a sign that she likes the necklace?
bluewolf17 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Hmmm, First off, I don't think the necklace means much. Secondly, sounds like she was very hurt. One thing about NC, is that once you do it for long enough, you get over some sadness, and by that time, you may no longer want what you have lost. She sounded really hurt when you left her, and maybe she is at a point now, where she doesn't want you back. Are you sure you have done everything you could? Did you tell her specifically that you want her back and would work on it 100% I advise not to muddy things up. Be clear, send her a email or better yet, call and leave a vm. If after that, you still get nothing, then you have your answer. Lesson learned. BTW, I am doing the same thing. I broke up with my Ex, and relized what a mistake that was. Now he doesn't want me back. It sucks, but I will carry if to my next relationship. I wish the best for you, really.
Lucky555 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 This is a tough situation. From my experience after having been with a guy and completely trusting him ect. I unfortunately found myself in a situation where he basically said he had things lurking from the past (ex gf) who prevented him from moving on and I got some weird speech like that. Ok so this hurt me so bad. I first tried to make myself be his friend, but i couldn't so i did NC. This year he decided to "pursue" me again but I find myself RUNNING from him for fear of him hurting me again. In my mind "someone who loves you will never let you go." How could he just throw something so amazing away? This question is in my mind and as i think about it, it makes me cry. It took me months to get to the point where i am today and I don't want to take the chance of him "leaving" again. I empathize for you, but you clearly hurt this girl and she may just think well he will just do it again and leave again. Will you break up with her again if you have to deal with this situation again? (really thats probably playing in her mind) You need to tell her "there is no one else but you and i feel like such a jerk for hurting you. If you want to talk about this please call me. I will not let anything bother me like this again and if i have problems i will tell you what is going on, this was a relationship and i was selfish. I am so sorry and i love you. (say it like you mean it) After this don't contact her and keep doing things to stay busy. There is a very slim chance of me getting back together with the guy I spoke of just because of the time it has been and hes not getting anything from me. The apology is what will make the biggest difference and the choice of letting her contact you and talk about it when she feels like it could help you to at least get your foot back in the door so to speak. I hope this helps
Author screwedup®retful Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Thanks Lucky, I do know how badly I hurt her and in April (after 4 months and 2 with Zero Contact...the first two months only having limited contact that was me trying to apologize and her not wanting to speak to me at all), I heard she was still struggling like crying while she was out with girlfriends and things like that. Two more months have passed since then and I am just hoping that she will reach out to me. She knows where I stand. I have told her how much I love her and that I made a mistake, but as of April, she said she never wanted to speak to me again. I can say, truthfully, that the relationship itself was incredible for both of us. We had know each other a LONG time and were together as a couple for only a short time, but within that stretch, we both experienced an incredible connection with one another, which each other's family and friends as well as with one another's children. She knew when we started dating that I had some things to sort out and she even suggested early on that we wait a year or two before we got involved, knowing that she loved me and that I was going to have some things to deal with, but it seemed like that great advice was difficult for either one of us to follow when we wanted so badly to be with one another. But, when those difficult times came up (as we both anticipated they would), I acted hastily and she now wants nothing to do with me. She knows how I feel about her though, without question and she is either going to allow this time to pass and reach out to me at some point, or she has given up and is moving on with her life. Mutual friends have told me that they believe she is waiting. That she knows I needed time and that, while she won't speak to me, it is because she knows if she does we will end up back together and that might lead to the same outcome as before, but that, if she forces a lengthy separation, then we will have a chance in the future, but I'm just not sure about it because I am not hearing it from HER!
Ronni_W Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 She knew when we started dating that I had some things to sort out... Mutual friends have told me that they believe she is waiting. That she knows I needed time and that, while she won't speak to me, it is because she knows if she does we will end up back together Let's pretend that she IS "waiting" -- then it would, IMO, be a safe bet that she's waiting for you to get some professional help to sort out whatever it was that you know you need to sort out. (Whether it's psychological, legal, financial, spiritual, emotional...whatever.) So. Go and get that help, leave her alone for the next 3 months and spend that time sorting yourself out. THEN get in touch with her and say, "I've been getting help and sorting myself out for the past 3 months. Would you maybe like to get a coffee so I can tell you about it?" *IF* she is "waiting", it's going to be pointless and fruitless for you to just keep offering her the same old same-old crap that she is CLEARLY not interested in. I suggest that your friends are really stretching their imaginations, and that by doing so they are giving you false hope. Right now you are offering her NOTHING but what she clearly doesn't want. It makes no sense to just keep doing that . Where you are right now, yes she is "waiting" ... for some guy to come along who has the capacity and desire to be the kind of partner that SHE wants to have. You are not him, and she knows that. The fact that you love her and know you screwed up doesn't make you him...that's totally irrelevant to her and what SHE wants in a partner.
Author screwedup®retful Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 All right, a little harsh, Ronni, but more presumptuous. I don't think I implied that I've been sitting on my arse waiting for her to take me back. I haven't been in contact with her in 8 weeks and I have been "taking care" of the issues since even before we split. I wasn't just sitting back waiting for the bomb to go off and being all sorts of complacent about things. Professional help in a couple of forms began before we split and she knew it and professional help has continued regularly and routinely since we separated. One of the things that had to happen was a time thing and six months had to go by in order for it to happen. That six months has now gone by and the the things is done. over. I do worry that my friends are expressign their "opinions" on her waiting and that it is not based on any real merit, and so, I am not going to sit around and act as though she is waiting for me. The only thing (and it's a big thing) that I was unable to offer her while we were together was a strong sense of security and I am definitely much, much further down that path (our split was 6 months ago) and feel strong about being able to make different promises to her now. I don't want to sound like an egotist or anything, but the guy that could come along and have the capacity and desire to be the kind of partner that SHE wants to have...IS ME. Again, this is where I think you get harsh, man, why are you so sure it isn't me? Do you know me or something? Man....Isn't this a support forum?
Ronni_W Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Er...I triggered something in you, and I'm sorry for that. I do hope that you find the type of support that you want and need, and that things will work out in the best interests of all concerned.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I don't want to sound like an egotist or anything, but the guy that could come along and have the capacity and desire to be the kind of partner that SHE wants to have...IS ME. LS is for support and I think you will also get a good deal of tough love when needed. I wish you luck but as Lucky said she may never trust you again. I was on the other side of your situation and I initiated total NC after he broke up with me. He made a huge mistake and I will never know if he knows it. I don't care anymore. That was the purpose of my NC. I was devastated and hurt but I knew I deserved more. In took two weeks and I knew that once he hurt me by giving up - it was over for me. I didn't waste lots of my time wishing he would change his mind or see he was not going to find another girl like me. I just wanted the pain to end so I could find what I truly wanted. He can never be that man. That man would never have done what he did. I can say that with total confidence. If your ex feels the way I did (and it does happen) then you should move on. I cannot tell you how to be sure. I guess you will have to find a way to ask her. Brace yourself. You might not like what you hear. Still, I wish you luck. There was a short and limited time when I would have given anything to hear what you want to say to her.
Author screwedup®retful Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Within two weeks of our initial breakup, I did let her know that I had made the mistake via a LONG apology letter. Shortly thereafter, she called me and left me a VM. In it, she was calm and said (paraphrased) "you need to let me go for now, we both have things in our lives that need to be taken care of". Unfortunately, this is when I should have relented, but I didn't and for another couple of weeks after this, I tried to get her to see me and talk to me, which invoked some serious anger on her part and the shutting of all doors, so it seems. It's all out of my hands, the making of amends for my mistake, I suppose and the decision to forgive me is all in hers. The part that I like the least about all of this is that my actions portray me as one of these guys who just hurts women and while I believe that no one deserves to be hurt by someone, in life, we all make mistakes. None of us IS our mistakes. You can hate what someone did to you, but the power to forgive is looking beyond the action and seeing the person. If you see the person and see who they are, then a mistake CAN be forgiven. In any relationship, even the ones that stay together forever, people hurt one another and the relationships that work are the ones where the two parties find ways to heal and forgive and remember that mistakes are mistakes and that they don't have to spell the end. That's my hope for anyone out there (myself included) that loves someone truly.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 In any relationship, even the ones that stay together forever, people hurt one another and the relationships that work are the ones where the two parties find ways to heal and forgive and remember that mistakes are mistakes and that they don't have to spell the end. That's my hope for anyone out there (myself included) that loves someone truly. I agree but once you are not in a relationship with someone none of that matters anymore. That is why you always need to bee 100% sure of what you are doing when you break someones heart. Its a hard lesson to learn but there is no relationship and therefore no reason to work together on anything, that is over. Commitment and love are separate things but cannot work independently in a lasting relationship. You may have made a mistake but that doesn't change the hurt and it is not really her problem anymore. I appreciate that you want forgiveness but you can forgive yourself and find someone new. The important part is that you can really understand what commitment is for the future relationships. Anything worth having is worth working for. You can't always apply that to your past but you have the rest of your life. I hope you find someone worth the work.
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