Bernie Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I'll try to be concise. You can read my story in these threads: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t184773/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t186625/ My girlfriend broke up with me in the last days of February ("I need space/This relationship is causing me stress") I was doing all the wrong things (begging, zillion messages and phone calls... you name it) during three weeks. At that point I started strict no contact. After two weeks of nc she started to send me some messages like "Hello, I saw a missed call... maybe it was you". I didn't reply immediately, but I did. I was cool, short and calm in my messages. After one month (aprox) of NC from me I call her. Ok, I admit I was influenced with the "get you gf back" books, and some people here gave me good advice (thanks, guys) about avoiding any type of contact. But I think I did my homework. My heart wasn't hurting too much, I was positive, focused, organized in my work, gym and hobbies, looking the bright side of things... I think it was the right time, so I did it. Everything worked like a charm. She was happy that I contact her, we start to talk two-three times a week. Then I went to Holland (Leiden) with my friends to have some relaxing time. She sent me some text messages and I called her and everything was great. When I came back we went to supper. It was a great night. The next day I saw a message in my mobile: "It was great to see you. Thanks for everything". We stayed in contact during two weeks more. She send me happy pics of her daily life in her emails. I was trying to see her again, but she had lot of work and she spend some days at her mother's place. Last Saturday I did a mistake. I call her and I was trying to arrange something for Sunday. She told me that she had lots of homework and I let it go very gently. But after that conversation I sent her three messages, not in a desperate way, they were cheerful and happy. But I told her that I miss her and it would be wonderful to see her again. She didn't reply and we're in nc since then. What's your opinion of the situation? I want to get back, but I'm not desperate. I think it was a mistake to sent her those "open heart" messages, but after weeks staying in cheerful contact I thought it was ok. I'm afraid to start contact again, but I'm more afraid of losing her forever. Thanks for your opinions and your time in advance.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 You knew you had an ulterior motvie in getting in contact with her, she knew you were trying to get back into her life. She just chose to keep you around when she felt convenient.
bluewolf17 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Hmm. Sounds to me that you had the right idea with NC. I will be blunt: You say you don't want to lose her, but you have to realize...you already have. She broke up with you. She knows that you miss her/want her back. She knows she would have a great time with you on a date. But STILL she isn't doing anything about it. Take that as a huge sign. Go back to NC and be aloof. If she wants you, she will contact you. And isn't that what you want anway? Her to come back to you, not you chase her till she succumbs? It's going to be hard. I am doing it right now. My ex sent a few tiny texts, but I didn't jump the gun. I stayed NC. Let's be honest. You can't be friends right now. You can try and pretend, but it's going to be written all over your face the next time she disapoints you by being busy or otherwise not giving you the feedback you want. Just give her all the room in the world. That's what she wants anyways. Let her really miss you, and really now what it would be like to not be able to talk to you or see you. If down the road she has a change of heart and wants to try again, you will be in a better place to decide your next move. If she strings you along, and never suggests getting back together, at least by that time your will already be on your way to healing. You have already planted the seed. You don't have anything more to do. Best of luck, Bluewolf17
Author Bernie Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate your words. Now, she knows I want to get back, but in the beginning of the new contact period I think she didn't know my true intentions. I suspect she thought I was dating with someone because she asked me questions about my girl friends. She was sniffing around me. Maybe I've lost all the chances at this moment beacuse I sent her those "open heart" messages. But the last time we talk everything was great, smooth, cheerful... I don't know if she needs room or if she is playing mind games. It's hard to tell. Because I think she really did things towards some reconciliation: sending pics, calling me, sending messages everyday, answer my phone calls very cheerful even if she was very busy at that moment... Ok. She didn't call me saying: "I did a mistake. I love you. I want to get back". But I think people don't do that. People stick with their decisions. It's a way to be self assured. To be coherent. Some people change their minds but they don't want to express it clearly because they are afraid to be indecisive. Anyway, I'm still in my nc period again. Day 5. I'll keep you informed. Thank you very much, Bernard
drummerprince81 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Ok. She didn't call me saying: "I did a mistake. I love you. I want to get back". But I think people don't do that. People stick with their decisions. It's a way to be self assured. To be coherent. Some people change their minds but they don't want to express it clearly because they are afraid to be indecisive. I so agree with this! It would be almost every person's dream, who has been dumped and wants to reconcile, to wake up in the morning with a voicemail saying those words or a text message or whatever but I believe they would only happen in a moment of weakness and if they were completely wrecked on alcohol because that is when we really speak the truth! If you have been dumped, we are encouraged not to spill our hearts but to take things one step at a time. I honestly believe those who dump, would behave in the same manner. I really do think people stick with the decisions and 'pride before a fall' comes into play a lot...just take it step by step dude.
Leveller Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Quote "I really do think people stick with the decisions and 'pride before a fall' comes into play a lot...just take it step by step dude". I think there is a great deal in this. What does it take, particularly for stubborn people like my ex with commitment issues, to admit they have made a mistake and reopen the door when you are in NC? Could it be that some way down the line they will swallow their pride or do we have to do some pushing and prodding at some point down the line? Not sure I know the answer, perhaps time will tell.
drummerprince81 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I think with stubborn people, something might hit home. I think with really stubborn people, they are unreachable. I would go as far as saying stubborness is a form of laziness to REALISE and PROCESS information and feelings because it is far easy sticking to your decisions. That is why most people who have been dumped want to push and prod. Its very unfair. I'm very very stubborn but not when it comes to feelings. I think you are right Leveller - time will tell. And waiting is the wrong word because that suggests false hope, so I guess all we can do is move on. But I am struggling.
Leveller Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Me too for what it's worth. There are some things out of our control and the mind and heart of our ex is one of these to an extent. Unless it was an abusive relationship (and even then I have known exceptions) there will be at least some regrets and feelings of unfinished business. It is these regrets and feelings of uninished business that can rekindle interest but as I indicated earlier this can only come through time and change. She has already expressed enough in words and deed to make me think that she already doubts she made/is making the right decision. If this feeling of unfinished business lingers (as I believe it will) then maybe down the line there is hope.
Author Bernie Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Hello After 6 days of NC I'm in contact with her again. Sometimes we are without contact during two or three days, but then I call her or she send me some sms and we start a contact period and talking about our lifes. Everything is happy and cheerful. Last Saturday we talk nearly two hours on the phone! And she told me about arrange a something this week. I don't know what she's thinking. Maybe she's trying to keep some friendship. But I'm not sure. She send me mixed signals and I think this switch on and off communication is a kind of flirt game. I think that if she wanted to cut all the emotional links with me she stops talkig with me or sending messages and emails. Last week she send me an email with some pics of her trip to London... I'm confused. This seems some kind of roller coaster. Intense contact + mixed signals then no contact. After some days, contact + mixed signals again and then no contact. Over and over. What's your opinion guys? Maybe I should try to tell her that I want to get back next time we date... but I'm afraid that it eliminates all the chances to get back. I don't know... Thanks in advance. You are great.
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