lizzylizliz Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Hey, bit new on here, so I'll get my hello's out the way before I really kick off I've been with my o/h for 5 months, we met in a club and have been pretty much inseperable since. A month later, he took me for a romantic weekend away, told me he thought he was falling for me, and said that he'd like us to move in together. Since then, we've been talking about it, and last week he told his e (who he has two young children with) and some of his friends. All seemed fine, until last night he came over and told me that actually, he thinks we're rushing it, that he wants us to slow down, and because he swore he'd never fall in love with someone again after his ex, he wants to take things slowly. Never mind it was HIM asking me to move in with him in the first place! So yeah, my head's a bit mixed up at the moment, I'm not sure why he's decided to be like this, and I can't help but blame myself, although he said that I've done nothing, its just something he's been thinking about. I know he's under a lot of strain, his ex has been causing trouble, plus he hardly ever sees the kids, hes looking for a new job etc etc.... nevermind a few days ago, he practically begged to see me, and now it's lie this....seems really hot and cold, and I'm just not sure the best thing for it. I've told him that I want to be here for him, if he needs to talk or open up, or be around someone, and I said I'm glad for his honesty, but cannot help but take it a bit personally. What do I do?! I just want to hold him and feel like everything's going to be ok, like he's not going to leave or what...but that'd probably be wrong. I want to give him space, but my mind is going into overdrive, because I just don't get what's changed, and why he said that in the first place, you know? Help me please, people...what can I do???
carhill Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Personally, I'd give him processing time. Sounds like he dove in with the infatuation and sex and romance thing and now is going whoa, there's a real relationship potential developing here. Men often throw the brakes on once they start to see exclusivity and commitment looming. Their polyamorous independent minds have to get a grip on it, even more so after/during a time of emotional upheaval like divorce or similar loss. What to do? You've told him you love him and support him and are there for him. That has value, more than you know. Leave the next steps to him. Back off to light contact. Be consistent. Set a timeline for yourself for this process so your emotional and/or sexual needs do not suffer markedly. If he can't perform, move on. It would mean that he's not ready for a deeper relationship, yet, if at all. Life is imperfect.
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Thanks for the advice...I just don't understand why he'd be like this suddenly, especially after it was him that said about moving in together...I can't help but think it's something I've done that's wrong....I don't want to ignore him and come across as being cold and unfeeling to him, but I don't want to text him and find myself waiting by my phone.....
carhill Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I don't know your ages but, after life experience, men learn, and will use if so inclined, ways to get what they want from women. The combination of sexual intimacy (most men push for it early), talk of 'our great life together' and romantic gestures are designed for one thing, to stimulate oxytocin in the female brain and promote bonding to the man. It's a methodology, whether the man is purposeful in its use or not. A classic example is the philanderer. Think about how he hooks the OW while still promoting loyalty and bonding in the BW at home. When I see men doing this to women I know and care about, I do mention it but have to laugh (privately) at how obvious these guys are, at least to me. That said, they are the ones getting laid, so there ya go
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 He has a lot of issues with himself, and recently came out of a 9 year relationship, he's 25,s o all hes really known is his relationship with his ex. For him to say he never wanted to fall for someone again is weird to me, because he coulda just ended it all last night, bt just said he wants to take it slow....it's all too strange...he must be messed up himself...I'm pretty sure no one else is involved, I've said to him before, if he finds anyone else he'd rather be with, who could make him happier than me, then I'd want him to go for it and be happy. Maybe he's literally just stopped and started evaluating everything, and he's got cold feet? I guess if he needed a get-out clause, he coulda gone then and there. I just don't know, and it's making me so sad
carhill Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 So, he was in a LTR since he was 16? Whoa, yeah, take it slow there. In fact, I'd encourage you to encourage him to take it slow. Hold on loosely. I'm assuming that LTR was his first real love affair. Very potent stuff. No rush here. Let him process.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 It doesn't sound to me like it's anything you did at all. He probably just got to thinking about things going south with his ex and he doesn't want to rush things and risk spoiling it. I think once guys have one failed relationship like that, it's natural for them to question things more in the future. He's got the impulsivity of still being young, while having the sting of a failed relationship. Just relax. There's no hurry if you're serious about each other. If you're both not going anywhere, why does it matter if you move in, or not?
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Thanks for the support, guys. I'm 22, and have been in 3 serious relationships, and have been engaged twice, and lived with one of them. However, I just throw myself straight in. He's texted me once today, but I DID make the cardinal sin of texting him first...nothing heavy, I just wanted to make sure he was ok. I'm worried for him, because he's got low self esteem and can't open up easily, plus he does a lot of drugs (weed everyday, I've just managed to help him stop taking E's and Coke so much...no pushing, just advising him it's not good for him, but if he wants to, I won't stop him)...I think maybe you're right
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Oh yes, I've managed to coax him off doing other drusg so much, but he's in a vicious cycle now...he told me last night that he 'needs' to smoke weed to try and escape from all of what's going on inside his head right now...funny, as that normally makes things a lot worse, with the paranoia etc!! Spoke to him today, said about seeing him Thursday and he said he'd let me know...so I said never mind iof he wants space, he can have as much as he wants....and he said he'll speak to me soon. Men are so perplexing sometimes....
Kamille Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I really don't like the drugs - or the fact that you're making the self the warden of his well-being. Before getting involved with someone who seems to have issues about substance abuse, please read up on co-dependency and check out Al Anon. That being said, like Carhill said, men tend to pull back when they it finally hits them that they're headed straight to commitment-ville. And in this case, after five months and a 9 year relationship, I think he is right to take some time to figure himself out. So don't think it has anything to do with you... In fact, this is about him making sure he is making the right decisions for himself and for you as well. In your shoes, I would support him, just like it sounds you have been doing. And guess what! Good news, you now have some free time to yourself to get around to hanging out with friends, pick up a new hobby, practice for a marathon, whatever. Deal with the anxieties his "slowing down" is causing by making your own life fabulous. And, while it is good you are concerned for him, don't baby him. He's a grown man. He knows what he's doing and why he's doing it.
carhill Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I think you know what the issue is, regarding his waffling, but want to assign other explanations. Simply, it's his drug use. .he told me last night that he 'needs' to smoke weed to try and escape from all of what's going on inside his head right now Self-medication at its best. Not an indictment, but rather an explanation. He's not ready for a healthy LTR. Is that what you want?
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 You're right. I think it's best I just leave him to it, try and get a bit of space myself, and see what happens, and if he comes to me. I read on another thread 'if you love somoene, let them go...if they come back, it's for keeps'....you're right, I haven't done anything to make him do this, it's all him and I best just leave him to get on with it.
robinincarolina Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 You had to coax him off of drugs? Oh my. I have been there, done that, won't do it again. You can't fix a man, he has to fix himself. There is no other way. You mentioned you jump in or something to that respect. Try taking things slower and getting to know yourself. Wrapping yourself up in a man can be very distructive over the long course. Give him his space and enjoy yours. Men do step back when they start thinking this might be a relationship and the best thing you can do for him is let him.
carhill Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Be aware he will likely try to pursue you (I call this the "rubber band" effect) and hope that you'll reconnect with us for support and shared experience. Best wishes!
bean1 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 The man is a drug user, including the use of cocaine while he has 2 young children. He uses drugs to cope with daily pressures. He wouldn't stop doing it for his own children, don't be fooled into thinking he'll stop for a girlfriend of 5 months. You are only 22, it's time for a woman's greatest lesson, you can't fix a broken man. You will only be hurt trying.
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 I'm not that fussed about the drugs really...a load of my friends do them, I have in the past...we live in a rubbish, boring area where there's pretty much nothing to do (I know its the same old excuse everyone uses!) and everyone just falls in and out of them. He said to me himself that he does want to stop doing them so much...its just become hard because now he's in a conundrum about everything in general. So...I texted him last night, told him I care about him and won't be contacting him as I want to give him time to himself. He said ok, and that we'll speak. soon...he texted me this morning asking me how I am, and if I'm still sick (I've got food poisoning!) so I replied and said yeah I was still pretty bad, hope that he's ok, and left it at that. We'll wait and see. And Carhill, sound advice. You know men too well (I assume you are one?). I'm pretty sure he will be back...he's kinda odne something like this before, when we had a row, he wanted a break...and then decided he missed me after a day and wanted to see me. I care about him a lot, but he's very, very confused I think.
carhill Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Yes, OP, that little guy in my avatar is me in 1962. The rubber band can be very draining emotionally. I hope you're up for that. It really tough to love someone who has emotional or addiction problems. BTDT. Best wishes
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Alas there have been further complications! I was hoping to se ehim today...he rang me, had a chat, and told me beasically he can't, he's seeing his mate for a drink,a nd then he's going to relax, as apparently he hasn't had time (even though it's been since Monday, and alleegedly I've done nothing wrong...despite him treating me like I HAVE...)...I texted him saying that it was basically hurting me that he wa slike this...he called again and said he just wanted space, which i said was fine...and then he calle dme AGAIN saying he hadn't said goodboye properly on the last call and didn't want me tot hink he was blowing me out again (despite him blowing me out for seeing me today) and then pretty much said see you soon and that was it. I haven't texted him since or anything...just so, so confused. I was getting ready to just ignore it all, maybe even tell him that if he doesn't think he wants me and can't be seeing me, then there's no point...now I'm even more unsure...why would he call me when he could just text those things?? And why is he so concerned about saying goodbye properly and me not thinking he's blowing me out, when he's treasting me like I've done something wrong, and pretty much ignored me all week (we usually see each other pretty much every day!) ??? Help me, please. Carhill, maybe? You know the insisdes of the male psyche pretty well
carhill Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Perhaps a bit strong of a phrase, but emotionally unstable was the first thought which occurred to me when reading your last post. Not surprising considering his situation. Part of the rubber band is the engagement. Just enough to keep your emotions engaged and focused on him. People who are unstable or emotionally detached are experts at this; almost clairvoyant. They are seemingly able to discern precisely when and how much attention to give you to keep you in the game. Your choice if you want to play. I'd say sit this one out...
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 You're a total genius. Let's run away together! Lol...no, that would be weird, as I don't actually know you I know I'm emotionally unstable myself...but did you mean him? Bear in mind, he asked me to move in with him...and changed his mind...told me he was falling in love with me..and then said he'd sworn to never love anyone again, and is now screwed up....? It's weird. It's like he initiates and wants contact with me, but won't commit himself to actually spending time, due to him 'needing space'...something I'm not sure how I've provoked, but sure as hell am paying the price for. I just don't get why someone would do this, you know/ All I've ever done was offer him love and support....
carhill Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 TBH, going through a D, I'd likely *want* to say and do the same things. MC helped me control my emotions better so I hopefully will not perpetrate what you're experiencing upon anyone who might care for me. So far, so good Critical factor here is I'm old enough to be both your fathers. Life experience does make a difference. I'd have made this guy look like the rock of Gibraltar when I was 25, so give him some space and leave it be for now. He knows where to find you when he's stable and drug-free again.
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Well, it's been NC since yesterday evening, hen he called me...chatted to him, but haven't texted since or not....not heard from him since either....i think i may have to go to one of the NC threads...it so hard, keeping checking my phone, and everytime it goes off, I'm hoping its him
Author lizzylizliz Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Bah, I've made it worse and texted him...just asking how he is...he replied just saying he's ok and asking how i am...so i said I'm allright, just watching a dvd...and that's been it. I'm such a mug. I feel even worse now. If this isn't my fault, why is he treating me like it is, and I've done something wrong?
joyloved Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Hello, I wish you best Compliment of the season My name is joy, a good looking girl. I saw your profile on this site and admire it, Well, i am sorry that i did not say much about myself because our profile cannot say everything about us. I have a special reason of contacting so i would like you to respond to my email address ([email protected]) there i can tell you everything about myself and the reason i am contacting you. Thanks as you write to my email([email protected]). joy.
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